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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

275 replies

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 05:57

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

OP posts:
HipHipHooray7 · 28/12/2020 07:06

OP, I am exactly the same. DH has come to my family's all but one year and we have a very relaxed day with tasty food and no squabbling. I do always offer to him that we can go to his but he also prefers my family Christmas as MIL is a bit stessy. Also, there isn't much room for us as they have a lot of people. The one year we went there we both agreed we enjoyed the more relaxed day and didn't have a great time. What we have started as an alternative is a Christmas tradition. It's close enough to my parents to go there every Christmas eve and we turn it into a lovely day in itself which we all look forward to. Obviously not this year due to covid so poor DH still hasn't seen his parents.
I am fully expecting some issues when we have DCs but she hasn't mentioned it yet and we will cross that bridge when it comes! Maybe by hiring a house big enough for all and offering to host but as other posters have implied, we are adults now and need to do what makes us happy.

Bluegrass · 28/12/2020 07:10

“And why shouldn’t you be selfish? Life is short - why spend it doing things to don’t want to do 😂”

Ahhhh...and finally I understand the true spirit of Christmas.

BonnieDundee · 28/12/2020 07:12

YABU

wintertime6 · 28/12/2020 07:15

You sound very immature, I imagine you must be quite young? Yes of course you should be an adult and alternate Christmas, that's what most married couples do.

I don't particularly look forward to Christmas at my in laws, it's just not the same as Christmas at my parents. My in laws don't get dressed up for the day ( I really enjoy putting on a nice outfit for Christmas) and you get your Christmas dinner and then sandwiches in the evening and apart from a tea or coffee and a bit of Christmas cake in the afternoon, that's usually it. At my parents house there is an array of foods available all day after the Christmas dinner and everyone spends the rest of the day helping themselves to chocolates, cheeses, wine and just whatever they want.

I very much looking forward to having a bigger house and taking on the hosting ourselves which will hopefully happen soon, and then we can have the Christmas Day that we want to have. But we'll still have to host each side of the family on alternate years.

ElizaLaLa · 28/12/2020 07:16

You are incredibly selfish so yabvu.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/12/2020 07:19

If your DH wants to spend every other Christmas with his parents instead of yours YABVU not to do so. But I think this obligation is to your DH not your MiL. So if he wants to spend time at home just the two of you rather than at your MiL's or if he would rather spend the time at your parents, or if the two of you can compromise on something different then that's fine. But it's not okay for you to just point blank refuse to consider any Christmas other than the one you personally want.

DecemberSun · 28/12/2020 07:22

Unreasonable and selfish. Don't have children until you've grown up a bit.

Whoopsies · 28/12/2020 07:26

Both DH and I would prefer to spend every Christmas with my family, but his family are fine and we have no issues with them, so we split it 50/50 so they each get the joy of their grandchildren at Christmas.

lockdownbreakdown · 28/12/2020 07:27

Well we spend every Christmas with my dad. It's not mu preference but my dad would be alone otherwise and MIL has several other children. Saying that I have invited her to our along with the rest of the extended family. They could all get an air B&B together nearby. Sadly , she wants to host and wont come because she dislikes my father. Therefore we wont be spending any further Christmases with her as she wont have my dad. We go to hers on boxing day for an extended visit.

Arrivederla · 28/12/2020 07:27

YABU.

PinkYellowTinsel · 28/12/2020 07:31

I make the effort to see my family all of the time (minimum once/ twice a week) and we always talk on the phone.

My DH sees his family once a year (I've tried insisting he goes more, but he doesn't). I've stopped because he's not a child and if he wants to see his family he'll make the effort.

Therefore, I really begrudge spending Christmas Day with them. Why should we see them on the "best holiday of the year" when we see them once a year?! I'll happily see them on any other day or the festive period. I know this is my DH problem and not my in laws but he doesn't seem to be making more of an effort with them.

We don't have kids yet.. and I know it'll get way more complicated if we do. But personally I'd happily spend every Christmas with my family who are there for us 365 days of the year, than his family who we see once.

I don't think you're/ I'm selfish at all. As long as I'm happy to see them on another day (which I am).

Northernmummy80 · 28/12/2020 07:33

I hope that if you have children their partners treat you the way you are treating your MIL. I’m sorry that’s horrible and as your MIL I would end up resenting you. Doesn’t matter if she isn’t your cup of tea she is your husbands mother and I always try to make everything equal and fair between family unless there is a good reason. I’m sure you are a lovely person but this post makes you sound immature, rude and selfish.

Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 07:36

You are the daughter in law that we all dread.

BendyWendy18 · 28/12/2020 07:36

Yes, YABU no matter what reasons you give. But I think deep down you already know this.

Namenic · 28/12/2020 07:45

It is the DH’s responsibility to see his DM. However, it would be good for OP to encourage and facilitate this. As people said, imagine if your DS did not want to see you much.

I do think the exception to alternating/both is special situations where someone is on their own.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 28/12/2020 07:48

Your relaxed fun easy going background hasn’t given you much generosity, has it?

Christmas at your family will still be there the following year.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 28/12/2020 07:53

We used to do Xmas morning with MIL and lunch with my family, now we just spend the whole day with my family.

It got too tricky with DH having 3 siblings and everyone trying to work around each other, so now we usually all do Boxing Day with MIL.

MIL is happy with this as it means no one is rushing off to be elsewhere etc.

She spends Xmas day with her partners family.

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2020 07:55

If your dh is happy with never going to his Mum for Christmas then it’s his choice

We do alternate christmases, obviously I would prefer to only go to my parents but it wouldn’t be fair so we do both

Northernmummy80 · 28/12/2020 07:57

@Minecraft4life so true!!! 🤣😂

TidyDancer · 28/12/2020 07:58

This is written in a way that is making me think reverse (and not a particularly good one). I don't think anyone could be this selfish and possibly think they were in the right.

Bluegrass · 28/12/2020 08:03

Funny how frequently you hear “we would see his parents but it just happens that DH and I both prefer spending Xmas with mine...they’re more fun, relaxed etc etc”.

What are the chances of all the fun relaxed parents having daughters and all the stressy less fun parents having sons?

And if parents have one son and one daughter, do their DD and her DH spend Xmas with them because they both happen to think they’re fun and chilled, while their DS and DIL go to her parents because, oddly enough, they both find that actually it is her parents that the the chilled fun ones to spend Xmas with? So many questions!

ivfbeenbusy · 28/12/2020 08:13

Really hope you're first child is a boy then you'll gain some perspective

MindyStClaire · 28/12/2020 08:23

Hugely, hugely unreasonable.

When you married, your DH became your immediate family, along with any future children. You need to realise that your MIL has the same level of connection with that family as your mother, and that she will be just as much a grandmother as your mother will. She just wants to see her son at Christmas, same as your mum wants to see her daughter.

Most people prefer to spend Christmas with their own family. But most adults realise that alternating years isn't such a big sacrifice when it means that their partner gets their family Christmas and their in-laws get to see their child and grandchildren.

It's one day. Suck it up and see your family the day before or after.

Northernmummy80 · 28/12/2020 08:25

@TidyDancer I did consider this. Wonder if it’s a MIL who is really struggling. If so it’s a really sad situation 😥

Martinisarebetterdirty · 28/12/2020 08:34

You’re getting a lot of stick OP. If your OH doesn’t want to spend it with his family then it really isn’t your job to facilitate. For what it’s worth, I much prefer my family at Christmas too but I’m happy for anyone to come to ours, I’m just not organising and doing the inviting.