Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

[Dasher789]

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

YABVU. SELFISH

Gosh we have one like you in our family. We all think she's selfish and stuck up. Sound familiar?

YABVU

and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to.

This did amuse me.

You have ‘little desire to host’, you say?

You think the people who spend $£€$£€ on feeding the hordes, spend time and energy on organising and sorting, and then spend most of the day in the kitchen on Christmas Day (and more than likely Christmas Eve) preparing and cooking desire it?!

It was my turn this year. It costs a huge amount, and is a huge amount of work, on top of all the other organising that goes into Christmas (especially when you have children). I actually enjoy entertaining, but would love never to have to host Christmas Day. However, I step up and take my turn, not out of any desire to spend Christmas Day in the kitchen while everyone else relaxes, chats and drinks bubbly, but because I’m not a piss-taker who leaves it all to someone else, year on year.

It seems you don’t have the space to host, so there’s your get-out-of-jail-free card. But please know that the people going to the effort of hosting don’t usually desire it, any more than you do.

Yea this is exactly why we just have our own wee Christmas and see our families Christmas Eve/boxing day instead. Forever stuck in a loop of who's turn it is and carting the kids about when they'd much rather be at home playing with their new toys.

@ContessaDiPulpo

I'm very confused by the responses here

Christmas happens.
OP goes to her family, stating that DH is at liberty to see his mum.
DH doesn't want to see his mum and follows OP to her family (who he prefers).
Yet somehow OP is the selfish one in this situation?!

The onus is on the DH to go see his own mother, it's his fault that she is alone. I have forced my own DH out to visit his own mother whom he doesn't like much so do understand the situation, but I'm not going to deliberately forego seeing my own relatives ON MY OWN so that my DH is forced to see his own mother. Fuck that nonsense.

This.

I've never spent Christmas with my in-laws. Yes, I am a terrible person.

You’re right. I should totally go back to spending £400+ driving and staying in a hotel so that DD (10) can watch her grandparents (who have visited us maybe 3 times in the last 18 years) give presents to her 7 cousins but not her every other year. Such lovely family times.

YANBU my MIL makes it obvious she hates me, so why would I have her in the house just because it’s Christmas? Nope!

Why is it OP’s fault for spending Christmas with her own family?

Why is the DH, who’s family it is. Not at fault?

Why is the wicked evil woman the one who’s son may one day not visit her as a lesson? What about any future daughter?

Why is the DH, the son not wicked bad evil and awful and being wished lonely Christmases forevermore for not hosting/visiting his mother at Christmas?

I’ve told my DH I’m not doing the Christmas schlepping so often in future. To which he replied but I think my mum really enjoys seeing you, far more than she does me. Which is probably true to be fair.
DH barely saw his mum outside of Christmas Day before we got together. And yes it is because I invite her and host her and am delighted to see her.
I wouldn’t if I didn’t like her. But then DH’s lack of relationship with his mum wouldn’t be my fault, it would be between him and his mum.

You are being very unreasonable. I can’t stand my MIL. But she comes to us every Christmas. Why? She’s my husband’s mum. Only one he has. I also think about how I would feel if my son marries someone like you. And how I’d feel never seeing my son or DGC on Christmas.
Karma has a way of buying you back on the arse and it’s worth keeping this in mind.
If she was awful and toxic then fuck her off. But you say you just don’t like her. Imagine your DC marry people that just don’t like you, better hope they are nicer then you.
Alternating every other year is the fair thing to do. My MIL has ruined every Christmas for me for 14 years. She’s an unbelievable bitch. But she comes every year except this one due to Covid because otherwise she’d have been alone and we have a rule in my family that no one should be alone at Christmas.
I’m also hoping by constantly being the better person I am storing up tons of good karma. And showing my kids how to be gracious and kind.
I do understand not wanting to be around people you don’t like much but unfortunately it’s the old you can’t choose your family. It’s also shit for my husband who used to feel really stuck in the middle. It’s out of love and respect for him that I suck it up 2 days a year and see her even when I’d rather not. He really appreciates the effort and now my kids are older they do too.

Why is the DH, the son not wicked bad evil and awful and being wished lonely Christmases forevermore for not hosting/visiting his mother at Christmas?

Because it’s easy to blame the DIL instead of admitting their own sons don’t want to see them on Christmas Day. Some even seemingly want DILs to also force grown men to do so. Doubt you would see these same women telling their son-in-laws to get their daughters to see them.

Also it looks like a lot of the posters doing the berating are themselves stuck having to put up with IL’s who are horrible having to dance attendance to them because of fear obligation and guilt.

The only thing anyone who martyrs themselves to acting skivvy for people who treat them with disdain is showing their children is how to be a doormat.

I expect if I have good relationship with my DC & we see each other often any way they’ll want to see me on holidays.

Alternating every other year is the fair thing to do. My MIL has ruined every Christmas for me for 14 years. She’s an unbelievable bitch. But she comes every year except this one due to Covid because otherwise she’d have been alone and we have a rule in my family that no one should be alone at Christmas.

So because you’ve been miserable, OP has to be as well? Also, if you read OP’s posts, you would see that her MIL is not alone whatsoever. OP’s MIL spends it with her daughter’s family and her sister who all live close to her while OP’s husband doesn’t. However, OP’s father is alone and her other family members apart from her mother live far away. Does OP’s father not matter?

Take turns . Seems bizarre to go to separate places. Maybe your marriage isn't very strong. Can't imagine being without my husband. With pandemic we sadly could only see the adult child who lives with us. The others just a couple of miles away and it was grim.

I'd ignore the awful comments that have called you immature and horrible.

YANBU!!!!!!!!! No-one would tell you spend every other Tuesday with her because its unfair so why should Christmas day be any different ? If you DH is ok with it then I wouldn't think much more of it.

Once and if you do have children you may change your mind, but if you don't, so what, it will be a family decision x

You have another year to worry about Christmas and probably even longer for a Christmas with a DC so it personally wouldn't take up any head space for me at the moment

I've personally never spent Christmas with my ILs or even my own parents since being with my OH (12 years) it's bliss!

Not got any advice, just I am the opposite. I prefer MIL to my own. Although FIL is a whole different story, however MIL and FIL are divorced. We do christmas at home 1 year and Christmas at MIL the following year

My sil always goes to her dh's family (in the past she has come home and he goes there) but my mil doesn't do Christmas like bil family and my mil has made it clear that she would rather come to us than have her dd and sil come to them so it works out.

My dm doesn't live in this country so there is no competition but also I love to host so happy to have pil with us.

Maybe your marriage isn't very strong. Can't imagine being without my husband

Really? Maybe yours is the one that's not that strong then!

Don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s up to DH to want to go to his mums!
17yrs in and we’ve spent 1 Xmas (full day/lunch) with all of my in laws - NEVER EVER again. My parents sat at home just them and given they’ve always asked PIL/SIL/BIL families to join us over the years I thought it was pretty bloody selfish tbh. We always did the rounds on Xmas day, so home in the morning, my parents for lunch then IL in the evening, sometimes seeing his bro and family and/or sis and her family but we stopped that a couple of years ago when IL were with SIL in the same town as my parents and suggested they came and visited us there instead. We’ve done a family gathering instead at someone’s home sometime between Xmas and new year which works well. Still see IL on Xmas day whether that be here or at their house but it isn’t for long and its how I like it...oh and how my hubby prefers it too! I’ve asked and asked and he always says “your parents” so that’s how we spend our day!
If and when children come, then you’ll work out your own ways!

My ex, my children and I always went to my family's house for Christmas, but it was purely a logistics thing. I'm in the USA, and while you can drive from one end of England to the other in about 11 hours, depending on traffic, my in laws lived on the other side of the country, which was a 3-5 day trip, driving 10 hours a day.

It's a bit of a pity that you don't have something like our Thanksgiving there (or do you? I'm woefully ignorant of UK holidays). For those with both families within an easy drive, it's very typical to spend one holiday with one family, then switch...reversing the order every year.

Honestly I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, you're allowed to not want to spend it with them. When I was with my son's father we never spent Xmas with his family, would've rather stuck pins in my eyeballs tbh but that's me. Anyway maybe next year u could go and visit them for a couple of hours then go to your families for the rest. Surely if your husband wasn't happy with the situation then he would say something 🙄 next year have your own Xmas at home let them come n visit you

The hell would freeze before I let anybody ruin my Christmas for 14 years just because “otherwise they would be lonely”. They would be alone for a reason and that being horrible to other people.

@Legseleven1990 I’m with you on this one