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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

275 replies

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 05:57

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

OP posts:
Triflingjelly · 28/12/2020 09:43

Since my last family member died 3yrs ago, my DH and I now host my dmil every Xmas. It's not unbearable but it's not what I'd wish for. Happy New Year.

Meredithgrey1 · 28/12/2020 09:45

@ContessaDiPulpo

I'm very confused by the responses here Confused

Christmas happens.
OP goes to her family, stating that DH is at liberty to see his mum.
DH doesn't want to see his mum and follows OP to her family (who he prefers).
Yet somehow OP is the selfish one in this situation?!

The onus is on the DH to go see his own mother, it's his fault that she is alone. I have forced my own DH out to visit his own mother whom he doesn't like much so do understand the situation, but I'm not going to deliberately forego seeing my own relatives ON MY OWN so that my DH is forced to see his own mother. Fuck that nonsense.

I don’t think OP is being that selfish in the current situation. I think if she goes on to have children, it would be selfish to insist that those children spent Christmas with her, at her mum’s every year, never seeing their other grandmother. I imagine OP wouldn’t like it if her grown up children never brought her grandchildren round for Christmas.
Sally872 · 28/12/2020 09:49

Everyone I know alternates between both sets of parents or hosts for all. Most people prefer the year it is with their own side, that said I do now enjoy Christmas with inlaws too.

I would be very disappointed if my husband tried to persuade me to leave my mother on her own for Christmas. I would also think less of my husband if he would leave his mother on her own at Christmas too.

Include her in your plans or alternate years.

Jeremyironseverything · 28/12/2020 09:53

This is why we swap over families half Way through Xmas day. Neither of us want to go a whole year and miss out on Xmas with our own family, so we do both.

hardboiledeggs · 28/12/2020 09:55

Very selfish tbh. That’s her Son she has just as much right to see him at Christmas as you do your family. I have two sons and whilst I hope to be a good MIL like mine I’d be heartbroken if they married someone who thought like this and I never had Christmas with them.

ContessaDiPulpo · 28/12/2020 09:55

I would also think less of my husband if he would leave his mother on her own at Christmas too.

I agree with this, I was deeply unimpressed with DH's lack of consideration for his mum when this first occurred.

thetaleunfolds · 28/12/2020 10:01

I'd be really upset and hurt if my son and his partner never spent a Christmas with me because they spent every single one with her parents. Alternating, yes of course, but why should she (and your DHs feelings) be left out?

ContessaDiPulpo · 28/12/2020 10:03

@thetaleunfolds

I'd be really upset and hurt if my son and his partner never spent a Christmas with me because they spent every single one with her parents. Alternating, yes of course, but why should she (and your DHs feelings) be left out?
Yes, you'd be right to be hurt; however maybe that hurt should be directed at your own child who doesn't care rather than their spouse?
Chanandlerbong01 · 28/12/2020 10:04

You are not selfish or immature. You get one life to live, do what makes you happy!

Your DH doesn’t seem that bothered so why should you be?

Notnownotneverever · 28/12/2020 10:05

You may do a lot for others during the year but do you do much (or anything really) for your MIL during the year? If not then it doesn’t really have any bearing on this issue what you do for others all year.
Overall it sounds like you are making excuses to not see her and none are valid. You just don’t like her.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 28/12/2020 10:05

My Mum is on the receiving end of having a DIL who wants only to spend Christmas with her family. If my Mum does go there, she isn't made to feel particularly welcome so prefers to be with us as we make her very welcome even if it does limit our activities (even in a non-COVID year). I can't believe you could be so callous as to exclude your MIL, although she shouldn't demand that you host either.

ImDoingMe · 28/12/2020 10:06

I don't like spending Christmas with my in-laws either but I treat them very fairly over this.

YABVVU and are very selfish and your DH is weak.

Be careful about how you treat people OP. It may come back to bite you on the arse.

MandosHatHair · 28/12/2020 10:09

That was my first thought too @Fivebyfive2 I can just imagine the OP posting in a few years time that she has 'gender disappointment' over having a boy and she will be the sidelined MIL one day.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 28/12/2020 10:12

I actually think that life is too short to spend with unpleasant people, whether it’s Christmas or not.

Cam2020 · 28/12/2020 10:12

*You are quite selfish to be honest

What about your husband I'm sure he would like to spend Xmas with his family

It should be turnabout*

OP has already stated he doesn't! They don't have kids, there's no reason why he can't go off to his DM's. If anyone is selfish, it's him - it's his mother, after all! Why is it always the woman who should compromise or be deemed selfish etc?

MegaClutterSlut · 28/12/2020 10:14

Massively unreasonable and selfish. We split xmas day in two so we see both sides christmas day. I would be an arsehole if I made dh and dcs spend it with my family every year imo

billy1966 · 28/12/2020 10:16

OP,
Whatever about you, your husband has certainly displayed selfishness towards his mother.

You are still early in your relationship. But I have absolutely no doubt that you will see his selfishness in your marriage. Most likely when children come along.

It is very poor of him not to visit his mother for the past 4 years at Christmas.

I would take little pride in the fact that he prefers your house at Christmas, just that he is very willing to ditch his family when it suits him.

Flowers
TitsOot4Xmas · 28/12/2020 10:21

@Kalula

Yes you are being unreasonable because she is your husband's mother, how you would feel if you were your husband and you never got to spend even one Christmas with your own mother? Imagine your DH decided you will both spend every Christmas with his mother and you will neve spend Christmas with your own mother? How would you feel? You are being very selfish. Very selfish.

Also, why does she have to stay over night? Surely she could drive back or you or DH could drive her back, OR she could get a taxi or an uber. Unless she lives a plane ride away, there is no need for her to overnight. How far does she live from you?

My ILs live a 4-5 hour drive away. Can’t fly that route and not really sure I would fancy making the 9 hour minimum round trip on Xmas night...... Sure this is the case for many people?
TitsOot4Xmas · 28/12/2020 10:22

@MegaClutterSlut

Massively unreasonable and selfish. We split xmas day in two so we see both sides christmas day. I would be an arsehole if I made dh and dcs spend it with my family every year imo
That only works when everyone is local though.
TitsOot4Xmas · 28/12/2020 10:25

@MegaClutterSlut

Massively unreasonable and selfish. We split xmas day in two so we see both sides christmas day. I would be an arsehole if I made dh and dcs spend it with my family every year imo
ILs are a 4-5 hour drive away, along with the rest of DH’s family. Nobody has any room for us to stay, so visiting means we fork out for hotel for at least 2 nights, meals, fuel etc. We visited for a weekend in Dec every year until DD noticed that all of her cousins got presents from PIL/aunts and uncles but not her. Now they can all fuck off.
Bumpsadaisie · 28/12/2020 10:25

YABU. Of course you prefer your own family. But when you get married/partnered up you take turns.
Your dh hasn't spent Xmas with his mother for four years just because she isn't your cup of tea?

Might be different if your mil was really toxic or dysfunctional but if it's just that you don't particularly like her and will miss your own mum then I'm afraid yabu.

readingismycardio · 28/12/2020 10:31

Hell would freeze over before I'd spend Christmas with MIL Grin DH feels the same, unfortunately (about my MIL) and he loves Christmas at my DP.

She can't freaking force you to host

bloodyhairy · 28/12/2020 10:35

You're happy to go to her any day after Christmas if she's willing to host?
How very big of you.
Hope you one day don't have a son who dumps you at Christmas in favour of his in-laws.

FrenchBoule · 28/12/2020 10:37

Sitting on the fence with this one.

It is selfish of OP’s DH to leave his mother (has she got anywhere else to go?) but...

OP has given him a choice and he chose to spend it with her family.

I’d also be very wary of people trying to dictate how I should spend my Christmas or trying to muscle in.

Look how many threads are here every year of people who are unhappy with relatives being a complete PITA but they host out of obligation/ go to see multiple relatives on demand schlepping several hours in the car and dragging the kids with them just because auntie/granny/another granny MUST see them on Christmas Day. Who’s selfish here?

I love my MIL,we rub along ok but the hell would break loose in the kitchen as we are incompatible in this department. She’s got her way of doing things and I have mine.

I’m happy to spend Christmas at home with DH and DC and would be very unhappy if any pressure would be put on as “you should...”

Do whatever YOU want to do,not what somebody else wants you to,family or not.

Nottherealslimshady · 28/12/2020 10:39

You're being incredibly selfish. Either host everyone or alternate every year.