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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

275 replies

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 05:57

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2020 14:21

I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

Yeah, you kind of are. From what you’ve written, I just can’t really believe that you are selfless the rest of the year. You’re really not prepared to compromise at all for either your DH’s sake or your MIL’s sake.

DorisDaisyMay · 28/12/2020 14:25

We alternate.

I would prefer to be on our own - especially after how good it was this year!

I think, you will have to invite your MIL to your family if you really don't want to alternate.

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2020 14:26

I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day.

It’s this bit that sounds so awful. You wouldn’t even have her to stay - even if you got the day you wanted - because it might “dampen the day”.

It’s pretty horrid. Don’t like the sound of your DH much either if he doesn’t ever prioritise his own mother ever.

Winterwoollies · 28/12/2020 14:29

I may have missed this but is she on her own?

Isthisit22 · 28/12/2020 14:35

Wish people would learn to read.
She said she's perfectly happy for DP to spend Christmas with his mother. He chooses not to.
Therefore how on earth can she be classed as selfish? Another example of women being blamed for men being rubbish. It's her DP who is treating his mother poorly, not OP.

Showers3 · 28/12/2020 14:36

You don’t need us to point out this is selfish. Maybe fast forward a few years though, and imagine that you have a son who goes on to spend every Christmas with his partner’s family - and later your grandchildren follow suit. Horrid.

Lookslikerainted · 28/12/2020 14:36

How would you feel if you had a child and could never see them on Xmas day.

Yes of course you’re being Totally unreasonable

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2020 14:39

@Isthisit22

Wish people would learn to read. She said she's perfectly happy for DP to spend Christmas with his mother. He chooses not to. Therefore how on earth can she be classed as selfish? Another example of women being blamed for men being rubbish. It's her DP who is treating his mother poorly, not OP.

Because she won’t even have her DP’s mother to stay.

There’s no compromise on her part at all.

I agree her DP is also being horrid to his mother.

phoenixrosehere · 28/12/2020 14:45

Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's.

It’s only just Christmas Day that OP doesn’t want to spend time with MIL or SIL and her husband can go without her on that day but chooses not to so why is this on OP?

Original poster

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 15:41

Thanks everyone. This has been helpful. My family set up is a bit complex. Both parents are divorced. My family ie. Aunts, cousins, father live right across the UK so it is the one day a year we all come together. When my parents split up they said that we would always do xmas as a family. My siblings live abroad and rarely make it back so if I didnt have xmas with my family, my DF would likely be alone because my DF is an only child and unlikely he would go to my DM's if i did not go. My MIL would have to stay at my house as she lives about 90 miles away and likes a drink. I think if we suggested a hotel/air bnb she would be very offended. When I was a child, we had xmas every year with DM side and day after boxing day with DF side so I had never thought it was a problem until MIL started moaning. I looked forward to boxing day as much as xmas. I was never aware my DGP had any issues with the set up. MIL is not alone on xmas. She spends it with her sister, SIL/BIL and their kids. They all live within 15 miles of each other. I had hoped that MIL might like to start a boxing day type tradition but this doesn't seem good enough. TBH, I would be happy to do it the other way and see her on xmas day and my family on boxing day but it would mean inconveniencing my entire family because a lot of them stay for 1 night and then leave.

OP posts:

TitsOot4Xmas · 28/12/2020 15:44

@Lookslikerainted

How would you feel if you had a child and could never see them on Xmas day.

Yes of course you’re being Totally unreasonable

Have done 11 Xmas days with DD, not one with the in laws (see previous posts).

Sky still seems to be where it always has been. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/12/2020 17:10

The majority response on this thread - the patriarchal dream in which OP is a terrible DiL, the sort of DiL 'we' all dread, immature, selfish (lord forbid a woman should ever be selfish; it's the worst thing a female can possibly be) - are missing this particular little trick:

DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun )

See: this is the OP's DH exerting HIS own preference. It's DH's family. It's DH's decision as to where HE chooses to spend Christmas. It's DH's mother. It's DH's duty of care. It's down to DH as to whether he takes the responsibility of extending that duty of care.

But no. Always the fault of the bloody woman.

waydownwego · 28/12/2020 17:29

The easy solution would be to just send him off to see his own family every year. Maybe he's saying what you want to hear; maybe he genuinely prefers hanging out with your family. But as long as you're not forcing him to spend every Christmas with your family, this is entirely his problem to fix.

Randomtasks · 28/12/2020 17:41

I think its normal to prefer your 'own' family Christmas isn't it? I'm not that enthusiastic about Christmas with my in laws either but we alternate because it's fair and because I'd hate to upset anyone.

I'd be quite gutted if in the future my kids never made the effort to see me on Christmas day.

Tal45 · 28/12/2020 17:42

It's up to you how you spend your time, you owe his mother nothing. If she wonders why you don't want to go then maybe she should take a good look at her own behaviour. If your OH wants to see her on Christmas day then that's fine, but it doesn't sound like he does.I would never have spent Christmas with my in laws, awful people and my OH dreaded visiting as well. I don't know why so many people think they should martyr themselves to horrible in laws out of some sort of 'duty'.

blueleonburger · 28/12/2020 18:21

I get where you’re coming from but I do think YABU and selfish. I prefer my family’s Xmas to my ILs but nothing wrong with them they are kind people. Your DH may want to spend Xmas with you, most importantly. So he feels he has to make a choice between you and his mother every year. I think that’s unfair. How would you feel if it were the other way around?

We alternate every year between the ILs. Xmas day at one, Boxing Day at the other. It’s fair. And I wouldn’t expect my DH to never see his side of the family again for Xmas because he’s close with them and that would be cruel.

KatieGGGG · 28/12/2020 18:36

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun )

But no. Always the fault of the bloody woman.

Exactly this. Absolute martyrs who want to see another generation of women incapable of setting boundaries and the inevitable posts on here about how miserable their Christmas is with MIL.

You do you. Your DH does him. Your MIL has her daughter and her family to see she doesn’t need to always get what she demands at the expense of what everyone else wants.

Cam2020 · 28/12/2020 18:47

But no. Always the fault of the bloody woman.

I raised something similar!

Also, if my child never wanted to spend Chirstmas (or any other time) with me, I'd be doing some serious self reflection. All those berating the OP have no clue what her MIL is like!

JinglesWish · 28/12/2020 18:53

Oh goodness, I have young DSs at the moment. They’re warm, loving, cuddly, lots of fun and also quite tiring to look after. They’re the centre of our world. I’ll be devastated if we end up with a DIL like you!!! It’s perfectly fair and reasonable to alternate which side you spend Christmas with. I wouldn’t want to spend every Christmas with my MIL, but every second year is fine

frazzledasarock · 28/12/2020 19:04

@JinglesWish

Maybe don’t turn into a horrible MIL then. One who’s own son doesn’t want to spend Christmas with.

Shouldn’t be hard. Then when your boys are in relationships they’ll voluntarily still happily come to you for Christmas.

I adore my MIL and we try and make Christmas really special for her. But she’s never dictating to me what I should be doing, nor is she rude or snide to me. We all enjoy spending time together.

HTH1 · 28/12/2020 19:05

We always spent Christmas with my widowed DM and we never had a desire to go to the ILs (who had other, more local DCs who did spend Christmas with them)! YANBU.

HTH1 · 28/12/2020 19:09

I agree with this. Be supportive and help out as much as you can (except with unsolicited advice), especially when DS and DIL are just starting out/starting a family rather than bragging about the help your own (poorer) MIL gave you and then not passing that onto your own DC.

HTH1 · 28/12/2020 19:10

That referred to @frazzledasarock’s comment by the way.

Lookslikerainted · 28/12/2020 19:10

@TitsOot4Xmas

Ah I see the “cool mums” are out in force.

katy1213 · 28/12/2020 19:11

Don't see why you should feel obliged to go if your husband doesn't! And why does Christmas Day have to be the big event - there's usually a whole week or more to fill and then New Year.

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