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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

275 replies

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 05:57

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

OP posts:

Twylar · 30/12/2020 00:04

It's actually worse and even more unreasonable now that we have learned you live right by your family and nowhere near his...so you see yours all year and then also monopolise christmas with your own family. Selfish and spoiled,not really a team player are you.

Summerunlover · 30/12/2020 00:04

So selfish, imagine how you will feel I’m the future when your son won't come see you at Christmas because he spending it with his wife’s family.

Legseleven1990 · 30/12/2020 00:24

@Twylar

If you read the updates she only sees some of her family one day a year.

Celestine70 · 30/12/2020 02:52

YANBU. Do Xmas how you want.

Milliepossum · 30/12/2020 03:04

@billy1966

OP, Whatever about you, your husband has certainly displayed selfishness towards his mother.

You are still early in your relationship. But I have absolutely no doubt that you will see his selfishness in your marriage. Most likely when children come along.

It is very poor of him not to visit his mother for the past 4 years at Christmas.

I would take little pride in the fact that he prefers your house at Christmas, just that he is very willing to ditch his family when it suits him.

This happened to me, I was similarly treated as a non-entity on Xmas and birthdays after having children and no efforts were made on Mother’s Day either- his reason ‘you’re not my mother’. He never bothered for her either so watch him carefully OP, it doesn’t have to be that way for you if you make your expectations clear.

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 30/12/2020 06:20

You are being very unreasonable.

phoenixrosehere · 30/12/2020 07:27

OP’s mother is the only family member that lives near her. MIL has her daughter and various other family members.

OP wrote:

SIL hosts MIL on xmas day along with BIL's parents, MIL's unmarried sister and SIL DC. DH and i go to DM where there is my parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. None of us have kids. The only reason its more difficult for me to ask DM to move the celebrations to another date is my family live all over the UK. Everyone is off work so travels over for the night. Also my DF would likely be on his own on xmas day as he has no family other than me and my siblings who live abroad and don't come back every year. I suppose its not the end of the world if we were having a meal a few days later but I just don't understand why MIL would want to put out so many people and see my DF potentially alone for the day when it doesn't have to be like that.

What is the point of MN finally adding a way to see the OP’s comments and answers to questions asked throughout the thread if many cannot be bothered to actually read them.

Mollymoostoo · 30/12/2020 08:26

There is no obligation to spend Christmas with parents. You are not children, you are adults. Personally I don't see my family at all as they don't celebrate Christmas. My husband has always seen his family/parents over Christmas but this isn't always on the day, it just adds to the stress.

Be an adult and make the decision for yourself, what other people do is up to them, just because they sit with their MIL year on year doesn't mean you have to. It is your life and YABU to expect other people to make decisions for you.

Twylar · 30/12/2020 09:05

@phoenixrosehere

I did read updates but I'm not buying these excuses for poor behaviour.

Surely the DF would have all these siblings coming home to spend the day with. Christmas doesnt have to be moved. And OP can see them on another day. I doubt they go home at 9pm Christmas night. Bottom line is she still sees her mother regularly and the MIL is denied seeing her son EVERY christmas when she has expressed a wish to see him. Yes she has the SIL etc but she has expressed a wish to see her son.

It's cruel, selfish and spoiled.

frazzledasarock · 30/12/2020 09:42

[quote Twylar]@phoenixrosehere

I did read updates but I'm not buying these excuses for poor behaviour.

It's cruel, selfish and spoiled.[/quote]
OP said her father is an only child so has no siblings and OP’s siblings live abroad so they only come back close for the Christmas period.

MIL has family who host her namely her own daughter.
Is everyone missing the fact that OP is not invited to her SIL’s?

What if SIL wants to spend Christmas with her mum? OP has said she does not have space to invite everyone for Christmas. Inviting just MIL will leave MIL’s sister on her own for Christmas and potentially piss off SIL.

I’d continue as you are OP. It works fine.

Malbals · 30/12/2020 09:55

Yes sorry, it’s very selfish of you and totally unfair! Especially if you do have children in the future too.
You really need to include her and consider her feelings or at least alternate to be fair.
I really really dislike my mil but I’d never not include her and she spent every single Christmas Day with us until sil had kids last two years she’s alternating us now do we get every other Christmas off! Of course I’d love to have it just us or my family every year but it’s so unfair to do that and unreasonable so I put up with it

BoJoHoNo · 30/12/2020 10:03

I would just have Christmas day with your husband and child at home then start a new tradition of going to your parent's and MIL separately on a set day before or after. You can save a few presents to open and still have special food etc. I don't understand why some adults remain so precious about seeing their adult children on 25th December.

scubadive · 30/12/2020 10:11

YABU, how would you feel in the future if your children never spent Xmas day with you. You could host now as suggested at least every other year.

Who does she spend Xmas with ?

scubadive · 30/12/2020 10:17

I think if you had explained your circumstances up front you may have got different reactions. You say if you didn’t go your Dad wouldn’t go, are your siblings nit his children?

Perhaps you need to explain to your MIL your childhood background and how you thought a Boxing Day tradition would be nice and see her reaction but most families alternate.

phoenixrosehere · 30/12/2020 11:36

Bottom line is she still sees her mother regularly and the MIL is denied seeing her son EVERY christmas when she has expressed a wish to see him. Yes she has the SIL etc but she has expressed a wish to see her son.

And who is denying MIL’s wish.

HER SON!!!

OP has said she had told her husband that he could go and see his mother and he CHOOSES not to.

No one has explained why it is on OP to make her husband go see his own mother. He has the option and has had the option since he left his childhood home yet once he finds someone and gets married, it’s on his wife to push him to go or to go spend one day that she doesn’t want to when she sees her MIL other times of the year so MIL’s son goes. What utter sexist BS.

CiderWithRosy · 30/12/2020 11:42

I've read the whole thread OP and I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.

dogsarethebestpeople · 30/12/2020 18:24

Don't do something you don't want to. I'm stuck in a pattern I hate bc feel obliged. I wish we had set up sthg like just us Christmas day then family visits afterwards eg boxing day/ new years. Now I'm literally waiting for ppl to die so I can have a Christmas I actually want. By then my children will be gone to their own plans probably.... and I hope they do!! Rather than putting up with me every year. Make space for what YOU want.

Imapotato · 30/12/2020 19:08

As a couple you could do the odd separate Christmas if you can’t bare the thought of spending it with your DHs family. If you eventually have kids of your own you’d be very unfair to never allow the other side of the family to spend Christmas with their grandchildren.

Are they that terrible that you can’t do alternate christmases?

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 30/12/2020 20:56

I did the same as you
My parents on Xmas day and DH mum and step dad on Boxing Day
There was a few reasons
DH had two siblings and 4 nieces and nephews who went to MiL on Xmas day
My mum and dad only had my brother and his daughter
MIL was an awful cook so Xmas dinner was either in a hotel or buffet style nibbles neither of which is my idea of Xmas Dinner esp when my parents are excellent cooks who pull out all the stops.
We also had to travel a fair distance to both of them so we went to my parents home then to MIL on our way home again.
MIL didn't like it but accepted it.
Since having kids we mostly stay at home and just host for who wants to come to us.

ArabellaScott · 30/12/2020 23:41

YABU.

Localocal · 31/12/2020 00:20

Until you have kids, you go to your DPs and he goes to his. He may prefer yours, but he should probably see his mum for at least one of the 24th, 25th and 26th. Once you have children you will want to be together with them, so you may need to start alternating or sharing then.

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 31/12/2020 00:43

I think you are being unreasonable.
My MIL is on her own. I have hosted her at my house every year for the last 24 years (except for 2 - once we went skiing as a treat as my husband was recovering from a traumatic accident earlier that year and this year due to COVID)
My MIL has a disability (she’s left handed) which means she has never peeled a carrot at my house. She stays with us for 5 days over this period and does nothing but moan about everything I do, helps herself to whatever we’ve got and eats/drinks her (considerable) body weight.
She has cooked our family dinner twice (sausage casserole - my son hates sausages) in all that time and never has anything in (like bread) for sandwiches for the kids as she doesn’t eat it/ normal milk (she only has oat milk in) etc - even though she has notice that we are going to visit ( she’s a 2 hour drive from us) we now eat before we get there and pick up a pint of milk on the way.
She’s awkward, every year there is a major row between her and dh - but as she’s in her own - she comes to us - so this year I was chuffed to bits that she couldn’t visit us as she’s tier 4 and we are tier 2!
But.... every year I’ve welcomed her to our house and even though visiting my mum would be so much more preferable - we’ve put up with it as it’s the right thing to do.
Be a grown up and alternate Christmases - or host it every year and see who comes - it’s 1 day a year

Speedyspunker · 31/12/2020 01:19

Do what you and your DH decide together that you want OP. Alternate. Don't alternate. Stay at home and host. Stay at home and don't host. But whatever you do, do it in the knowledge and expectation that when your children are grown you need to extend the same courtesy to them and let them make their own choices without guilt tripping them.

frazzledasarock · 31/12/2020 06:52

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns, is your post tongue in cheek? I can’t decide. Had no idea as a lefty I’m considered ‘disabled’ 🙄

So many women putting up with being treated like shit and feeling miserable.

sadblackcat · 03/01/2021 12:46

To be honest you sound like a spoiled brat. You have taken against your MIL and think that your husband should too. Grow up.

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