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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

275 replies

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 05:57

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

OP posts:
CleanAndPaidFor · 28/12/2020 08:39

OP you should spend Christmas with @Heyahun You both sound an absolute pleasure to have about the place.

ArtemisBean · 28/12/2020 08:40

This is the reason we always stay at home on Christmas Day. Going to the PIL's is beyond grim, even DH can't hack it for more than a couple of hours. My family is better, but I accept if we go there one year the PILs would expect us to go to them the following year. So we don't do either, and just see both sides on another day over Christmas for a much briefer and more low key visit. It keeps things 'equal', and means we don't have to suffer.

Thisbastardcomputer · 28/12/2020 08:41

What you need to think about here is, when you're future children are adults, how devastated you'd be yourself if the children are sons and let their wives carry on like you are doing. Be kind and unless she's done something really bad, let her in.

Ithinkim · 28/12/2020 08:44

I feel sorry for her. YABVU.

namechangefail2020 · 28/12/2020 08:47

YABU and I'm shocked that you can't see that. I hate my in laws but my husband doesn't so should get to see them and I suck it up every other year!

ContessaDiPulpo · 28/12/2020 08:49

I'm very confused by the responses here Confused

Christmas happens.
OP goes to her family, stating that DH is at liberty to see his mum.
DH doesn't want to see his mum and follows OP to her family (who he prefers).
Yet somehow OP is the selfish one in this situation?!

The onus is on the DH to go see his own mother, it's his fault that she is alone. I have forced my own DH out to visit his own mother whom he doesn't like much so do understand the situation, but I'm not going to deliberately forego seeing my own relatives ON MY OWN so that my DH is forced to see his own mother. Fuck that nonsense.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/12/2020 08:54

@Minecraft4life

You are the daughter in law that we all dread.
Yep. Yabu, incredibly selfish.
ChristmasAlone · 28/12/2020 08:59

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband is saying what ever you want to hear just for some quite. What an incredibly selfish person. As an adult people make sacrifices, obviously you don't have to rotate every year but once in a while is not a hardship.

M0rT · 28/12/2020 09:07

@ContessaDiPulpo Exactly!
What happened to Wifework and it is up to your DH to manage his own relationship with his family?
I married an adult so therefore I don't "facilitate and encourage" his relationship with his own family nor would I be very impressed if he tried to stick his beak into mine!
We spent all our early Christmas Days apart as he wanted to be with his family and I mine.
We have also had both sides together and this year we were alone. We will figure out next year in November 2021 but this writ in stone alternating years especially when you have no kids is just another way for people to create stress and drama for themselves around Christmas.

burnoutbabe · 28/12/2020 09:07

Seems to be as ever a lot of wifework. The men don't want to see their parents and up to the women to arrange it. #benice etc

maddening · 28/12/2020 09:10

Yabu, your op comes across as self centered and unpleasant.

Yummymummy2020 · 28/12/2020 09:12

Would you consider just staying home yourselves Christmas Day and do something with each side around the other days over Christmas instead? The pandemic made it easier on us this year but we actually just stayed us And it was great! I’d like to continue it If I can as usually there is a ton of pressure and resentment around the day by other family members regardless of fairness and I’m done with it!

Erictheavocado · 28/12/2020 09:16

We have been blessed with two DILs who do not try to keep us from our DS's (or themselves) when it comes to celebrations - or anytime in all honesty. I love them both very much and we all get on well, although we are all very different.
You say there has been no falling out, just that you don't like her very much. If that is the case, I'm sorry, but it makes you sound very unfair and unkind. I do understand that it is nicer for you to be with your family, even that your dh prefers it, but I do think that if you are going to spend Christmas Day with your family, you need to find a way to include her. Other alternative is to do what we did Christmas Day was our day to be together with our dcs and then we saw family in the following days.

30mph · 28/12/2020 09:19

You're not coming across very well here OP.

Fivebyfive2 · 28/12/2020 09:20

I genuinely think posts like this are why there are so many threads on mumsnet about 'gender disappointment' when having a boy. There'll be loads of replies stating how sons are so affectionate /doting etc and it makes no difference it boy or girl... Then you get tons of threads like this!

I'm speaking as someone who has massive issues with my mil and would love to spend every year with my family because we're close, so in one way I do understand. But she is still your dhs mum and it is really unfair that she never gets Christmas day! You say there's been no big fallout, just that you don't really get on. I think this is really common; when your own family bug you or over step, generally you can talk about it. But with in laws it can be awkward, different dynamics, not 'your' family. I get it, honestly. But i think for one day you could grit your teeth so she can see her son (and any future grandchildren) on Christmas day some years.

Fivebyfive2 · 28/12/2020 09:24

Oh and just to add we've got a 1 year old ds who is awesome and I was so excited when we found out he was a He... Hopefully I'll get to see him some Christmas's when he's older 😛

PimlicoJo · 28/12/2020 09:26

One day OP you too may be a MIL.

ImHereForTheEntertainment · 28/12/2020 09:26

Yabvu
Selfish.

R3ALLY · 28/12/2020 09:28

Why not just stay in your own house? If you have kids that makes it even simpler, home is where Santa comes. Visit both sets of in laws briefly in the day or on another day but have dinner together

MandB23 · 28/12/2020 09:34

I feel you.
I don’t personally feel that you should be somewhere you don’t want to be.
I wouldn’t want anybody at my house on Christmas Day who didn’t want to be there.

With my partner we used to have it separately. I lived with my Nan and young brother and so didn’t ever want to leave them alone for Christmas Day.
When we had children, we then obviously had it together with my family because it would have been pretty depressing for my brother otherwise. We used to have dinner together at home and then go an visit his family at around 6pm and spend the evening there. It worked fine for us I think and realistically was the fairest thing to do because they have other children and their elderly parents so have a pretty busy house on Christmas Day anyway.

We stopped going to theirs on Christmas Day as of last year as we had triplets and it honestly wouldn’t have been possible with newborn triplets so they visited us in the morning and we stayed home.

I think I would always choose to be at home with children. Especially with our brood.
I do agree that alternating is fair. But I’m assuming the MIL isn’t alone on Christmas Day and I think now when you don’t have children, you shouldn’t feel obliged to be there? your partner should maybe consider alternating. I think that would be fair. It is his mum! But that’s his responsibility.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 28/12/2020 09:37

In laws
Especially MIL
really are the new Mumsnet twins

burnoutbabe · 28/12/2020 09:37

Surely this is the man's fault. He isn't bothered about seeing his mother. He could visit on his own if he wanted but he doesn't want to go.

Dontbeme · 28/12/2020 09:39

@Thisbastardcomputer

What you need to think about here is, when you're future children are adults, how devastated you'd be yourself if the children are sons and let their wives carry on like you are doing. Be kind and unless she's done something really bad, let her in.
Let their wives carry on? Christ on a Christmas cracker.
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/12/2020 09:41

What would DH say if you suggested going to his parents every other year? Or hosting both sets of in laws yourselves? I get on with MIL now but used to find her annoying. We’d still alternate or host after we were married.

Calmandmeasured1 · 28/12/2020 09:41

You are being completely unreasonable and completely selfish. Ditto for your DH.