To have thought we might get half an hour alone?

[roarfeckingroarr]

FIL is staying for 8 days. He's in good health. We have a ten week old baby who only sleeps on one of us or for a brief 10-15 min in his bouncer.

WIBU to have thought he might have said, just once, "why don't I take the baby so you two can have half an hour to yourselves?" or am I clouded by desperately missing intimacy with my OH?

@Jeeperscreepers69

Youve had a baby your now 2nd in the queue. No wonder your baby cries if all your thinking about is willie. The last thing on my mind was sex when baby was born

This is a bit harsh. Op is allowed needs! Ffs

I said I felt it was grim asking FIL to take baby so she could have a shag. While they were home. But I completely defend any woman's right to want sex.

It would never have occurred to my Dad to do this, he wasn’t brought up with men offering to take babies off new Mum’s hands. I understand you’re exhausted, if you want some help why don’t you ask? Sometimes thinking that others have an exact understanding of your expectations is a road to disappointment.

I know what you mean by being worried about your relationship but I would personally feel a bit weird having sex woth my fil in another room, I mean what if he walked in ?
I don't think you are weird for wanting to have sex with your hubby or wanting to, its just maybe not the right /appropriate time to have sex whilst your hosting fil.
I don't think its weird to ask fil or expect fil or even ask outright for him to hold his own grandchild (just not whilst you had sex,sorry). In fact I wouldn't hesitate to ask my fil . I would be "do you mind hiding her whilst I go to loo /scrub the cat _whatever example ...."

The underlying problem is not making your own time for each other. “Quickies” are just that. Quick. But they are fun and intimate. It’s stressful but have a laugh about it . Don’t think you need to drag you father in law into it .....

@anikaanika

Oh lord she doesn’t need to sleep train her baby, babies are not designed to sleep all night

She didn’t say her baby didn’t sleep and I didn’t say it would sleep through the night. I’m trying to give some advice to the poor lady so she can get her baby down on his own for a bit so she gets a break for whatever reason she chooses. Chill.

I have nowt to add on the sex thing, my libido got up and left many years ago, I'm just here to fly the flag for hands on grandads!

My stepdad is amazing with kids. Always has been. Never needs asked, never needs instructions. Just whisks them off and tells you to relax. I was an older first time mum so he was in his late sixties when DS came along but he was as wonderful as ever. I remember him jiggling and burping DS while his own Christmas Dinner went cold, so I could eat mine.

I know of course not all grandads are like this, maybe it's uncommon. But some older men aren't just capable of baby care, they're better at it than anyone else in the extended family.

Sorry that's a tangent isn't it.

I think the problem is inadvertently hosting a guest for 8 days which is far from ideal.

Youve had a baby your now 2nd in the queue. No wonder your baby cries if all your thinking about is willie. The last thing on my mind was sex when baby was born

This comment is so bizarre.

I’m shocked at how many people think “missing intimacy with my husband” means she wants sex... intimacy isn’t just about sex as I think the OP has explained much more than she needed to. OP - YANBU, but he is a man and probably feels awkward asking but I am sure if you asked him he’d agree. Maybe a “why don’t you take him/her out for half an hour and spend some quality time” rather than “can you take him/her out so we can have time to finish wrapping” that way it’s you making it about him and not about you.

No wonder your baby cries if all your thinking about is willie

Unusually perceptive baby . In other words, what a ridiculous thing to say.

As far as I can tell most men old enough to have grandparents never actually looked after their own children on their own when they were that young, so it’s not that strange he hasn’t thought to offer for your child but he could well be happy to. I agree you can use that time for whatever you want as long as he doesn’t know it’s for sex and you aren’t just on the other side of a thin wall. Hope things pick up op.

@roarfeckingroarr

Pretty much unanimous that I'm being unreasonable and / or weird.

I'm very tired and desperately miss feeling close to my OH. Having a baby is like taking a sledge hammer to everything. I feel sad and I'm worried about my relationship if this carries on for much longer.

Everyone is ignoring the real Issue here .. that OP is emotionally exhausted from not having any space without the baby and over time is worried this will impact on her relationship with her Husband . If the baby is not settling when being put down in their cot /bouncer /basket and always need to be held or next to you this in time can become draining . It is possible for babies to sleep in a Moses basket or cot or sit in their chairs in the same room as the parents . Don’t think it’s not possible . You need time to yourself .

That’s just weird tbh. He there’s for a visit not childcare, never mind sitting in another room whilst you and your DH disappear for a bit grim

Good god lass take a cold shower already when I was BF I had no libido at all and it was years before we DTD again you will cope

You sound like you have a very understanding partner so enjoy it for what it is. As a first baby it’s a massive learning curve and a shock to the system. My ex said I was fat and ugly after my second and I actually looked good haha. Don’t stress it. Having someone over with the stupid ever changing covid rules won’t help you adjust to being a new mum. Just keep talking and being open, you won’t go far wrong.

Maybe you have to think outside the box and grab your very private time when the baby is asleep. You could have asked your father in law to look after the LO while you had a coffee and a chat and be close by if needed.

@roarfeckingroarr
Please don't take this badly, but have you thought about the possibility that you have postnatal depression? Also, it's very common for men to have too.
If you're not already, then it may be worthwhile having some anti depressants and the both of you seeing a psychologist xxx

"Dear FIL, how do you feel about taking baby for a walk in the pram while DH and I get some stuff done around the house?". If he's good health he won't mind, but would probably not expect to be allowed to look after baby unless invited to.

I dont think it is unreasonable to think a guest might offer to look after baby for a bit to give you a break! BUT some things to consider:

1. Is FIL afraid of overstepping, treading on toes with babycare; aware that as new parents you are learning and doing things your way|?

1. Is he nervous of looking after baby?

1. Do you come over so competent that he doesn't think you need him to have baby; maybe you are all over baby adoringly in front of him and he thinks you prefer to keep baby with you?

1. Why didn't you just ask if he was willing|? Sone people don't take hints, don't think, aren't very observant, don't take the initiative, aren't mind readers. If you want something ask politely, allowing that the other person is entitled to say no!

Hope it works better next time he visits [fowers]