To have thought we might get half an hour alone?

[roarfeckingroarr]

FIL is staying for 8 days. He's in good health. We have a ten week old baby who only sleeps on one of us or for a brief 10-15 min in his bouncer.

WIBU to have thought he might have said, just once, "why don't I take the baby so you two can have half an hour to yourselves?" or am I clouded by desperately missing intimacy with my OH?

You poor thing. I had awful sleepers as well and also co-slept to get any rest. I think most in-laws would offer to take the baby out and give you a bit of a break - why not just ask if he'd fancy doing that before he leaves? As for all the pearl clutchers on here - what's the problem if she'd like some physical or emotional connection with her partner and the FIL is the only way she can see to make that happen? Why's it grim or unspeakable? So judgy.

@Winterwoollies

I just wanted to join the throngs dying inside reading this cringe AF post.

So you have nothing useful to say, but just wanted to jump on the bandwagon. How very Mean Girls of you.

Oh love. You were totally right when you said having a baby takes a sledge hammer to your life. They bring many more wonderful things but I know I found those first few weeks very hard, my identity shifted entirely from being the person I was and the person my husband loved to being a mum. We struggled in different ways - I mainly wanted a bit of time to myself each day which were able to carve out.

I'd also massively struggle to have a house guest for that long so kudos to you. I hope you and your OH can have a decent chat soon about how you're both feeling. Sending love and my mantra in those early days 'everything is just a phase....your current situation won't be forever'

Thank you @LittleRa and everyone who has read my subsequent posts.

Just had an emotional chat and long hug with DH. Tried to tell him how I feel and he's listening, I just worry (despite his assurances) that he's changed the way he sees me and is no longer interested.

I'm going to go and have a bath and try to stop worrying.

I still think that if you allow anyone to host you for a week, let alone new parents, it would be kind to offer to take the baby round the block or watch it for a short bit of time. What the parents do with that time doesn't matter.

@roarfeckingroarr

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I talk to him. We are better at communicating than if sounds on here. I also talk to my therapist. He knows how hard I'm finding it but he's very stoic - "it'll happen when it happens, I love you and I miss it too but we have a tiny baby..." which is true but after the last few months of pregnancy where he didn't want to be intimate, was working v long hours and he was scared about parenthood.. I have felt lonely for a while now. We do talk but nothing changes.

Agreed - 8 days is too long. It wasn't the plan but then Covid rules changed so FIL couldn't move to another household due to tiers. He's great overall, told me he loves me like a daughter yesterday, and he's very much capable of looking after baby, but you're right he just hasn't thought to ask.

This has made me realise just how much this isn't about sex. I feel invisible and unattractive and deeply lonely. DH says the right things but he just seems way too ok with how things are.

I bet it’s not that your husband doesn’t find you attractive or whatever. It sounds like hormones are what is making you feel unloved. Just ask your FIL if he could look after the baby for 30 mins and go for a walk. Hug and kiss on the walk. That way it’s not about the expectation of starting something. Easy back into it.

Some much nicer replies from @LadyTiredWinterBottom2 @gnushoes and @Anna783426 Hope you’re ok OP if you’re still reading Maybe try one of the other boards than AIBU, such as relationships, parenting or sleep, and word your question around that, shifting focus from your FIL (although I totally get why him being there and not offering to watch the baby has brought things to the fore). The current resurrections make it much more difficult for friends and family to help out on a casual basis (ie a half hour walk here and there too).
Take care OP

PS he’s probably just wanting to avoid having another too soon. He’s probably not changed the way he sees you at all

Cross posted with you OP @roarfeckingroarr

What's the conversation going to be like? Absolutely no way from me, it's made my vagina seal up just thinking about it

Same, so ick!

To be clear, I was not suggesting he offer to look after baby while we have sex.

Yes, you are, though, that’s exactly what you just said!

I still think that if you allow anyone to host you for a week, let alone new parents, it would be kind to offer to take the baby round the block or watch it for a short bit of time

But surely you invited him? And if I invited someone to stay, I certainly wouldn’t expect them to look after my baby. I think it was unfortunate to invite him for a week, that’s a long time for anyone to stay with such a young baby.

I think it would have been very polite of him to offer to have the baby so you could have some switch off time - to take it out for a walk in the pram for an hour, or even to sit and cuddle the baby for a couple of hours and tell you two to take some time to yourselves - so you could have a bath/read a book/have some time snuggled up and just chatting (or whatever you want to do ).

It is an exhausting time and I’d never have had a guest for that long, and if I did I would have felt furious if they had not offered to help. Having my MIL visit for more than half an hour at a time did my head in enough!

Did he cook for you or get a take away, offer to do some washing or cleaning, anything at all?

I feel that if it is was a MIL, people’s responses on here might have been very different. Older men can look after babies too, or they can learn if they want to be involved grandparents. My DF looked after my DD a few days a week when I went back to work - he got into the swing of it and loves it, people said he was always walking round the village with the pram and showing her off to people

But you need to be clear on what you need from him, or ask your DH too if he comes again.

It’s kind to offer to look after your baby but it’s not on his radar.

He thinks you have your routine and it doesn’t registrar he could be of help.

Ask?

I have read the updates and I don’t think OP is weird at all. What I do think is weird is going to new parents of a youngish baby and not offering to take the baby for an hour?! Evenin normal times, but especially this year where parents have basically been stuck in their houses with babies. If the OP hadn’t mentioned her FIL and had come on talking about how unattractive she felt, how tired she was, people would have been falling over themselves to tell her she needs some time to herself.

My PIL, friends etc constantly offered to take newborn DS for me 4 years ago. Sometimes I accepted and sometimes DP and I used that time to have a bit of reconnection time.

And I know you and your DH can have time together while your baby sleeps, but it’s not the same, you can’t switch off properly in their early days as you always have an ear open to listen to them breathing or in case they are crying. Just someone to take over for a bit helps. Depending on what tier you are in he could have babysat for a couple of hours so you two could go out for lunch or to the cinema together.

W blunt OP. If you reckon FIL is up to the job ask him to let the bay sleep on him while you both catch up on some tasks upstairs. Plonk baby on FIL's chest and disappear with an ear out. It really does get better.

Looking after a little one is super daunting for most, particularly at 10 weeks , I suspect this is probably the reason why .

If I was visiting somebody with a new baby, I would offer to do washing up or change bedding or mow the lawn, or do something with an older sibling, but I would never assume the parents wanted “time off” from their new baby 🤷‍♀️
I would also not assume that 2 parents would both need “time off” together to wrap presents - one would surely be able to do that on their own ...

We didn't invite for 8 days. This trip has turned out to be double the plan because of Changes to COVID bollocks.

There have been some really kind responses and I really appreciate them.

Do you have DC @LucyFox? I was desperate for time off from my 1st, all I wanted to do was give him to someone else so I could sleep or have my body to myself for a couple of hours.

I thought everyone felt like that, completely shellshocked! But then I was recovering from a traumatic birth and, with hindsight, was probably quite depressed.

Not like that with the others, but I knew what I was doing by then and had adjusted to having someone need me all the time.

@ClaireP20 I was ready at 2 weeks but DbloodyH was keen to listen to the doctors who advised waiting at least six 😆. Water birth, two stitches, I was in the pub (with DH and baby, just for one glass of wine) the next day!

Although it's awkward I find it better to ask people outright, the worst they'll say is no! If I was at a family members house I would be more than happy to look after a little one, but I wouldn't offer just as I wouldn't want them to feel obliged when they might not be comfortable with it. It is hard being a new parents, especially a mum with the physical changes, and it sounds like your DH is being respectful rather than he doesn't see you the same if you see what I mean; I felt the same, but now things are better than ever sexually. Glad you spoke to him.

YABVU, what the actual fuck?!

@sausagepastapot

YABVU, what the actual fuck?!

Calm down .