To have thought we might get half an hour alone?

[roarfeckingroarr]

FIL is staying for 8 days. He's in good health. We have a ten week old baby who only sleeps on one of us or for a brief 10-15 min in his bouncer.

WIBU to have thought he might have said, just once, "why don't I take the baby so you two can have half an hour to yourselves?" or am I clouded by desperately missing intimacy with my OH?

I think it’s lovely that you are so ‘keen’ to be intimate with the father of your young baby!

I don’t think it’s weird! @roarfeckingroarr - you are lucky in your relationship! I hope you find a way 🤗🤩😉

Ps: I wouldn’t listen to anyone who says it’s weird or even unreasonable. I would think they are just jealous! 😉

@caperplips that's an interesting point. I think I was desperately hoping that if we did have that time, he might actually initiate something and it might go back to how we were before I was heavily pregnant. Much bigger issues.

Ah OP, I've just read your 15:43 post and it's taken me back to when DC1 was born. It is hard and you should go easy on yourself. I'm glad your DP is supportive. Things will improve and YANBU for feeling the way you do.

I don’t think the Op is being unreasonable.
I don’t know why people feel the need to be so judgemental and mean on Mumsnet. It’s not crazy to want 30 mins away from a baby!

@letmethinkaboutitfornow thank you. I miss feeling wanted. I know I'm loved but I feel lonely and deficient and empty.

If you miss intimacy with your husband why are you cosleeping? Assume that is what is happening if baby will only sleep on you. There are alternatives.

@FudgeSundae next2me cot and some co sleeping. I refuse to put baby next door or leave him when he's this small and cries when alone. Its cruel.

This is fairly grim. Like we all need sex I get it. But what you gonna do have a really quiet quicky a few doors away from FIL?

Also if my dad is anything to go by loads of older men would never think to offer.

@Redrunbluerun

I don’t think the Op is being unreasonable. I don’t know why people feel the need to be so judgemental and mean on Mumsnet. It’s not crazy to want 30 mins away from a baby!

For a shag while your FIL is in the house though?!

I actually think YANBU. Taking the sex thing out of it, you have hosted for over a week with a young baby. That is exhausting. I would actually expect your FIL to watch the baby a little while to give you a bit of a break. I don't think that is unreasonable in the circumstances.

As for sex, it seems to be a mumsnet thing to say it's weird to want sex soon after giving birth. My late DH and I went back to having sex a couple of weeks after both of our babies were born - we both wanted to. It's not wrong at all. You are a person, not just a parent. I understand that some women are not in the mood for sex for a long time after giving birth, or have health reasons for not doing so, but some are able to and do want to, and you shouldn't be shamed for this.

First off, eight days is a long time to have anyone staying for so I'm not surprised you're a bit stressed by now.

But I think you're not addressing this with your DH and instead it's easier to find fault with your FIL for not offering to take baby. Is it realistic anyway to think that after a break from intimacy, your DH would jump on you the second someone else had the baby? He might easily be worried it would look a bit insensitive on his part and that you'd far rather have quiet time to yourself. You don't seem to have talked about this, and communication is key to getting over problems. You've said it's your issue, but it isn't - it's an issue for you as a couple. You need to talk about it and find ways to bring back the intimacy, in a broad sense i.e. not just sex.

just lie fully clothed together and just be normal, talk, hug, share more than a quick kiss would be wonderful. I'm lonely and I'm sad.
I don't see why you couldn't do this while the baby is asleep on one of you. Which makes me think you're waiting for your DH to initiate this, and since he isn't, you're just quietly feeling sad. TALK TO HIM.

it seems to be a mumsnet thing to say it's weird to want sex soon after giving birth.

Has anyone said that?

If you want him to watch the baby for half an hour, just ask. He isn't a mind reader and he'll probably be perfectly happy to do it.

I find it so bizarre that you'd start a thread on Mumsnet about it rather than just ask him!

If the original post wasn't sex related, and just that you wanted half an hours break I would totally get it. The parts where you insinuated you wanted him to see to the baby whilst you had sex, was odd.
I understand feeling the way you do, it's exhausting. However most men of that age I wouldn't expect to offer to see to baby either, it's just not in most older men to do so I don't think. My grandfather adored my Dd but was always cautious when she was a newborn to hold her. All changed when she was less fragile! When little one sleeps, try transition them to the next to me. Take the bouncer up to your room, 15 mins after 4 months is all you need to get it done 😂 pack father in law off, bouncer in room, baby asleep - stick on some nice underwear and hop on. It gets easier I promise

just be normal, talk, hug, share more than a quick kiss would be wonderful. I'm lonely and I'm sad

TALK to your DH about this. It's not your FIL’s fault. Hosting for eight days when your baby is only weeks old - not something I would have done!

it's not just cruel to leave a baby alone at this young age, it's dangerous!
Yes, adapting to motherhood can be very hard. I think you need to be a bit more realistic...your comment about what will happen if this continues much longer is very worrying...you have a baby! They are not going to magically stop needing you any time soon.
It takes a while to get used to the new normal though. Things won't go back to how they were before, you need to change and adapt, slowly, together. TALK to HIM.

And, with extended family - yep you will need to spell it out if you want them to babysit at this young age, a lot of people are naturally cautious about coming between a baby and its mum at this young age. ask for what you need.

You can have a conversation with your partner whilst holding a baby though! So start there, talk about how hard you're finding it, he will probably feel the same. Keeping lines of communication open are crucial to maintaining your sanity and relationship.

It would not have been unreasonable for him to offer a couple of times to take baby for a walk for half an hour, just to give you a break - you could use the time however suits you

@tiredybear

it's not just cruel to leave a baby alone at this young age, it's dangerous! Yes, adapting to motherhood can be very hard. I think you need to be a bit more realistic...your comment about what will happen if this continues much longer is very worrying...you have a baby! They are not going to magically stop needing you any time soon. It takes a while to get used to the new normal though. Things won't go back to how they were before, you need to change and adapt, slowly, together. TALK to HIM.

And, with extended family - yep you will need to spell it out if you want them to babysit at this young age, a lot of people are naturally cautious about coming between a baby and its mum at this young age. ask for what you need.

You can have a conversation with your partner whilst holding a baby though! So start there, talk about how hard you're finding it, he will probably feel the same. Keeping lines of communication open are crucial to maintaining your sanity and relationship.

Yes it's dangerous to leave a baby alone if you're off out on a jolly, leaving a baby in a crib is absolutely fine! Pretty sure op knows the baby will still need her as they grow up - that's not what she's saying.

@letmethinkaboutitfornow

I think it’s lovely that you are so ‘keen’ to be intimate with the father of your young baby!

I don’t think it’s weird! @roarfeckingroarr - you are lucky in your relationship! I hope you find a way 🤗🤩😉

Ps: I wouldn’t listen to anyone who says it’s weird or even unreasonable. I would think they are just jealous! 😉

I agree.

Surely your child sleeps at night ?

Hi OP,

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Does he know how much not having sex is affecting you emotionally?

After my first baby (and my second) me and DH didn’t have sex for over a year and I never felt lonely as a result and nor did he.

The fact you are feeling so sad 10 weeks in because you haven’t had any intimacy with your husband means you really need to tell how you are feeling.

Don’t worry about people who say that “your baby must sleep at some time?!” because as the mother of two babies who wouldn’t sleep anywhere except on me, I understand the difficulties it poses.

When I first read your post I also thought WTF in terms of you wanting your FIL to give you and your husband some baby free intimate time, however, from reading your posts it clearly goes deeper than that.

Talking to your husband may not actually solve the sex problem (in terms of finding time to do it) but at least if you share with him you are feeling it may strengthen the emotional connection between you a little bit

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I talk to him. We are better at communicating than if sounds on here. I also talk to my therapist. He knows how hard I'm finding it but he's very stoic - "it'll happen when it happens, I love you and I miss it too but we have a tiny baby..." which is true but after the last few months of pregnancy where he didn't want to be intimate, was working v long hours and he was scared about parenthood.. I have felt lonely for a while now. We do talk but nothing changes.

Agreed - 8 days is too long. It wasn't the plan but then Covid rules changed so FIL couldn't move to another household due to tiers. He's great overall, told me he loves me like a daughter yesterday, and he's very much capable of looking after baby, but you're right he just hasn't thought to ask.

This has made me realise just how much this isn't about sex. I feel invisible and unattractive and deeply lonely. DH says the right things but he just seems way too ok with how things are.

of course fil will know that you mean if you say you want half nap / break. he won't say anything but he was young once so don't kid yourselves.
sex doesn't because you are 45 + or become a grandparent

@roar