To have thought we might get half an hour alone?

[roarfeckingroarr]

FIL is staying for 8 days. He's in good health. We have a ten week old baby who only sleeps on one of us or for a brief 10-15 min in his bouncer.

WIBU to have thought he might have said, just once, "why don't I take the baby so you two can have half an hour to yourselves?" or am I clouded by desperately missing intimacy with my OH?

I think you have some issues here that need more than half an hour alone with your husband to fix. I don’t think the way you’re feeling is normal OP.

I don't know many grandfathers that would be happy to take a 10 week old child out on their own

This has made me realise just how much this isn't about sex. I feel invisible and unattractive and deeply lonely. DH says the right things but he just seems way too ok with how things are

I think you're right, it isn't just about sex but the lack of intimacy from when you were six months pregnant up to and including now "I miss it too but we have a tiny baby" has contributed to your loneliness . You need to get all the problems sorted out as half an hour of sex won't solve the problems.

hang in there. My baby #1 has just turned 14 weeks and was exactly like you describe. Waking up the second we got into bed together, only sleeping if being held, etc. You are doing amazingly to be hosting anyone at 10 weeks let alone for a long stay. Try a white noise app to keep him asleep longer during the day ?

... the good news, it does get easier I found 12 weeks a big turning point

I feel invisible and unattractive and deeply lonely.

And this can be so common and so, so normal.

It’s been 7 years since I had my first baby and I still feel unattractive because of the changes it caused to my body.

I had the opposite problem though that I didn’t want my husband near me because I didn’t want him to see my body, so it’s really positive that you are trying to reignite your sex life and that you still want that intimacy with him - that’s a far better route to take than the opposite one.

There is no ‘normal’ about when sex should resume.....I remember my friend telling me that by 4 weeks post baby she and her husband were absolutely gagging for it....and I felt horrified because I just couldn’t relate at all.

Even if nobody on here can fully see things through your eyes you are clearly upset and missing your husband and those feelings are so important to acknowledge.

Could you ask FIL to watch the baby so you and DH could at least go for a 30 minute walk or something? Holding hands, arms around each other, talking about important emotions etc, it could even turn out to be something intimate.

I wish I had the answer for you OP, I hate to see people upset (especially new mothers) so I hope you and husband manage to find a way to resolve your insecurities and find a way forward

OP your subsequent updates really throw a new light on things. I think you're struggling a bit. Could you have a little post natal depression ?
Keep speaking to your dh as much as you can. Lie on the bed & cuddle. Snuggle up on the sofa. Kiss each other as often a d you can. You're both readjusting to a huge life upheaval & new lifelong roles & it can take time.
I was the one in your dh's position when our dc was new born & my dh was patient & loving & kept the connection & intimacy going without it being sex for as long ad it took.
We talked & kissed & hugged & told each other how much we loved each other & it al l helped to align the 2 realities of me in my own head- the old me & the new mother me
I wish you luck op & really hope your husband and you reconnect asap

@SaveWaterDrinkGin

I think you have some issues here that need more than half an hour alone with your husband to fix. I don’t think the way you’re feeling is normal OP.

Feeling exhausted and undesirable 10 weeks PP is more than normal - silly comment to make.

This has made me realise just how much this isn't about sex. I feel invisible and unattractive and deeply lonely. DH says the right things but he just seems way too ok with how things are

Why do you think you feel like this? Is your DH pulling his weight with the baby? Are you talking to each other enough, if not maybe that is the cause of the loneliness? Do you think maybe a lot of your self esteem is tied up with having sex, being wanted sexually? Are you struggling with the change from putting yourself first, to always putting the baby first (I know I did...!)

I can't imagine having someone to stay when I had a young baby, don't think I could have managed that. Well he's going tomorrow so it will just be the three of you.

Eight days to too long to host anyone when you have a young baby, just the lack of privacy would have driven me nuts before now.

If I was your inlaw I'd have been offering to have the baby though.

@roarfeckingroarr

Pretty much unanimous that I'm being unreasonable and / or weird.

I'm very tired and desperately miss feeling close to my OH. Having a baby is like taking a sledge hammer to everything. I feel sad and I'm worried about my relationship if this carries on for much longer.

Yuk - weird and even a bit creepy. I'm more concerned that you're worried about the state of your relationship when you haven't had 'alone time' ( horrible expression ) for eight days !!!

Wow. This must be a wind up.

Babies DO take a sledgehammer to everything!

Cross posted with update - perhaps a wee bit pnd and feeling unattractive (perfectly normal) communication is key here - talk to your husband, calmly, let him know how you're feeling 👍

I'm not sure why he would offer to have the baby in the house whilst two parents are also in the house.

What's the weather like?

Perhaps he thinks that it's too cold for him to go out, let alone a newborn!

Some of the replies on this thread are so weird and rude. Like, have some of you who are replying even got children, or have forgotten what it’s like with a newborn?! Setting aside that the OP didn’t even mention sex at all so I don’t know what posters are on about saying things like “are you that desperate for a shag?!” Err no, she didn’t mention a shag at all??

OP YANBU at all to want a visiting relative to watch the baby for a short while. When my DD was small and relatives would come round they’d often say they’d take her round the block in her pram to give me a little while to rest/get sorted. And I totally get what you mean about wanting to do it with your DP. I found that we became like a tag team to survive- so taking turns doing night shifts etc, rather than spending the time together as we had before.
I remember one time we’d been out to a local country park for a walk with my sister one day and went back to hers for a cuppa. As we sat there with our eyes nearly closing, she said “why don’t you two go for a lie down, you’re clearly exhausted”. We went off to her spare room and just lay down together cuddling and falling asleep for about an hour, without the baby on top of one of us or feeding from me or even having to worry about keeping an ear out, knowing my sister was holding her. That was over 6 years ago now and I still remember that hour.

Bloody hell OP, you've taken a bit of a roasting from some miserable posters.

I can't imagine that you were expecting to hang from the chandeliers and make the bed head loudly rock.

There is nothing wrong with what you suggested. So long as you are doing it for you, and because you want some intimacy with your husband, whatever form it takes.

Also, don't feel too much pressure that it has been a while, you've both had a major life change, it takes a while to get back to 'normal'.

Hadn't seen your update, Op.

Would it help if the two of you went out together just for a walk for example?

Would that be possible?

Most relatives would offer to take a small baby for a walk in the pram I would think, especially if staying for 8 days. Totally normal.

Fecks sake get a bloody grip. That’s cringing

Ewwww

What?!?!?

Oh no. No no no

Cringe. How extremely weird. YBVU.

Yabvu

Why do people post without reading the full thread or at the very least reading the OPs updates?

Last three posters @Mydogissnooring @Beautifulbonnie and @Laughnaff What is cringey?

I don’t think you’re weird or unreasonable at all OP. But I know my mum would see the need for me to have a break, and offer to do it before I’d even thought of it, whereas my dad would be totally oblivious, but happy to help if specifically asked to mind the baby for a bit (as long as it’s not for too long 😂). I think men that age sometimes just need what would be helpful to you to be pointed out to them as it doesn’t occur to them naturally. I also don’t think you’re weird for wanting to have sex with your DP! Obviously like you said you’re not not going to ask your FIL to mind the baby specifically for this purpose even if that’s what you use it for.