Page 7 | To have thought we might get half an hour alone?

roarfeckingroarr · 2020-12-26T15:13:26+00:00

FIL is staying for 8 days. He's in good health. We have a ten week old baby who only sleeps on one of us or for a brief 10-15 min in his bouncer. WIBU to have thought he might have said, just once, "why don't I take the baby so you two can have half an hour to yourselves?" or am I clouded by desperately missing intimacy with my OH?

baggies · 26/12/2020 19:39

My daughter's baby is 14 weeks old and I regularly babysit in the evening so my daughter and son in law can go up to bed, watch a bit of telly, chat, and sleep. It's good for them to have time together and I get to munch my granddaughter. Win win.

Original poster

roarfeckingroarr · 26/12/2020 20:14

@baggies you sound wonderful. Unfortunately both our mothers have passed away.

OP posts:

peppita · 26/12/2020 20:16

@roarfeckingroarr

Pretty much unanimous that I'm being unreasonable and / or weird.

I'm very tired and desperately miss feeling close to my OH. Having a baby is like taking a sledge hammer to everything. I feel sad and I'm worried about my relationship if this carries on for much longer.

... it's been 10 weeks. That's not long at all.

Beautifulbonnie · 26/12/2020 20:34

@LittleRa

Then what's she going to do? Only have alone time like the rest of us? When they've got a babysitter? Or someone to watch the baby?

LittleRa · 26/12/2020 20:53

[quote Beautifulbonnie]@LittleRa

Then what's she going to do? Only have alone time like the rest of us? When they've got a babysitter? Or someone to watch the baby? [/quote]
It’s still very early days, they’re still adjusting to the new way of life as a couple. They will have their cuddles with the baby in the room or upstairs, as you’ve suggested, and will begin to feel more and more used to this. The baby will (hopefully) begin to sleep longer stretches, and to be put down to sleep on its own, which will make a huge difference. In the meantime, a small gesture from a relative to take the baby for half an hour would make all the difference to make the OP feel better for a little bit while things are tough, which is what the point of her post was- wanting her FIL to offer this. As I said in my first post, it’s over 6 years since my DD was a baby but that day my sister said “you two go and get a rest” and held the baby for an hour, I still remember it now, it made such a difference at a time when things were difficult and we were all adjusting.

LittleRa · 26/12/2020 20:54

@baggies

My daughter's baby is 14 weeks old and I regularly babysit in the evening so my daughter and son in law can go up to bed, watch a bit of telly, chat, and sleep. It's good for them to have time together and I get to munch my granddaughter. Win win.

You sound lovely

baggies · 26/12/2020 20:58

[quote roarfeckingroarr]@baggies you sound wonderful. Unfortunately both our mothers have passed away.[/quote]
So sorry to hear that. Be kind to yourself. Babies are hard work, your hormones will be swimming around and things that ordinarily you can get into perspective appear insurmountable.
Going for long walks together pushing the pram is a good way to get chatting to each other and properly talk.
I think you've been amazing having you're fil for 8 days.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 26/12/2020 21:09

I think you're incredible for hosting over Christmas with such a small baby and for being up for sex! I definitely wasn't at 10 weeks pp, we also had a next to me and a baby who would only sleep on one of us a lot, we had some lovely cuddles and it might sound twee but it made me feel connected and comforted by my husband and for me because I was really not up for it (completely touched out and leaking milk all over the place) it made me feel loved and like nothing was expected for that to be the case. There are other ways to find intimacy but you need to talk to your DH.

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 26/12/2020 21:35

Do people really not have sex if they have guests over?

Obviously, you need to do it a bit more quietly and don't suddenly disappear mid afternoon or lock yourselves in the shower together - but it's not weird to have sex with someone in the house.

OP - can you ask FIL to take the baby for an hour in the morning so that you can go back to bed with a coffee? Then you can do what you want

JovialNickname · 26/12/2020 21:52

Gosh, I don't think it really matters if you're going to have sex or not - that's no one else's business surely! Plus what's wrong with a loving wife wanting to have some one on one time with her husband. As FIL is there I would smilingly say you both haven't had a break together from your adorable bub since he was born, and as he seems so happy with FIL could he take him for a bit. I'm sure he'd be fine with that

Bluntness100 · 26/12/2020 21:53

Op, I think this wouldn’t have occurred to him. To be honest it wouldn’t most men, and many women. That’s one side of it

The second side is your worry about your relationship and your feelings of loneliness. Could you have post natal depression? It reads like you feel insecure in your relationship. And want to go back to how it was.

I think when you come out of this phase you’ll likely cringe that you wanted your father in law to care for your child so you could nip upstairs for a shag. However I think it’s about wider issues you’re having

You’re clearly struggling so maybe speak to your gp about how you’re feeling.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 22:05

@roarfeckingroarr

To be clear, I was not suggesting he offer to look after baby while we have sex. Eww. That is weird, I agree.

I thought he might offer to have the baby for half an hour in general. And I would choose to use that time to have sex while pretending we finished wrapping presents or napped.

And if something happened in that time..... shudder

JovialNickname · 26/12/2020 22:06

Bluntness I'm sorry but I think what you've said is wrong... she wants to reconnect with her husband on a close emotional level, which might yes lead to physical intimacy. This isn't wrong or disgusting but perfectly natural and healthy. She's not forcing her baby on FIL to get a shag and it's not nice that you would say this. For long term marriages and relationships, taking time alone together, and having supportive family to assist with this, is important. The wellbeing of mum and dad matters too, and good families believe in this, as it contributes to the longevity of the parental relationship and therefore family.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 22:07

@Bluntness100

Op, I think this wouldn’t have occurred to him. To be honest it wouldn’t most men, and many women. That’s one side of it

The second side is your worry about your relationship and your feelings of loneliness. Could you have post natal depression? It reads like you feel insecure in your relationship. And want to go back to how it was.

I think when you come out of this phase you’ll likely cringe that you wanted your father in law to care for your child so you could nip upstairs for a shag. However I think it’s about wider issues you’re having

You’re clearly struggling so maybe speak to your gp about how you’re feeling.

We don't always agree Bluntness but I can see the point here.

LouiseTrees · 26/12/2020 22:12

[quote roarfeckingroarr]@ClaireP20 I was ready at 2 weeks but DbloodyH was keen to listen to the doctors who advised waiting at least six 😆. Water birth, two stitches, I was in the pub (with DH and baby, just for one glass of wine) the next day![/quote]
I think you need to calm down. Would you mind if I PMd you my own experiences in this area? I don’t want to post about my sex life really.

OhBaublesBaubles · 27/12/2020 10:12

You want sex 10 wks after giving birth

Goatscheesewithhoney · 27/12/2020 11:32

It’s perfectly acceptable to want to have sex @OhBaublesBaubles. You sound horrified at the very prospect

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2020 11:35

@JovialNickname

Bluntness I'm sorry but I think what you've said is wrong... she wants to reconnect with her husband on a close emotional level, which might yes lead to physical intimacy. This isn't wrong or disgusting but perfectly natural and healthy. She's not forcing her baby on FIL to get a shag and it's not nice that you would say this. For long term marriages and relationships, taking time alone together, and having supportive family to assist with this, is important. The wellbeing of mum and dad matters too, and good families believe in this, as it contributes to the longevity of the parental relationship and therefore family.

Did you refer to me by mistake and mean another poster? It’s the only explanation, I never said it was wrong or disgusting or that she was forcing the child on her fil.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 27/12/2020 11:41

If it was your MIL then people would probably say it's shitty of her not to take the baby off your hands for a while, but because it's your FIL people think it's too much to expect. It's just how society sees men and women. It's sexist and annoying.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 27/12/2020 11:42

You want sex 10 wks after giving birth hmm

I wanted it after only a week but had to wait 6 weeks because I was recovering from surgery. Not everyone goes off sex after they become a mum. We're all different.

Beautifulbonnie · 27/12/2020 11:43

@StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads. I’m probably a lot older than most

But my in laws. The father went out to work. The mother looked after the children. So most father in laws (for people my age) never even looked after their children alone. My own father worked so much I don’t have any childhood memories of me and him alone. Not one.

I think for a long time it’s a generation gap. My mother in law would happily look after the children. Happily. But my father in law wouldn’t. He would at a real push

But then times changed. So I think it’s very dependant on ages.

Before anyone jumps on me. NOT ALL MEN WERE LIKE THIS.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 27/12/2020 11:47

@Beautifulbonnie

I think you're right about the age/generation being a tell.

My In laws came to visit when my first was 3 months old and my MIL was very helpful with the baby. FIL did absolutely nothing of any use the whole time he was there. Didn't even change a nappy - bearing in mind they visited from another country and so stayed with us for a month. I mentioned it towards the end of their visit and he laughed very earnestly and said "that's a woman's job".

I think if they were 15+ years younger it might have been very different.

LittleRa · 27/12/2020 11:48

@OhBaublesBaubles

You want sex 10 wks after giving birth

And yet on this recent thread (link below), there was a whole range of responses, from 4 weeks post partum and less, to years. Recognising that everyone feels different and not judging anyone for how they felt. Many replies on the thread were posters saying they were desperate to have sex with their partners within weeks of giving birth.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childbirth/4111992-How-long-did-you-wait-to-have-sex-after-birth

payens · 27/12/2020 17:53

YABU

SaltyTootsieToes · 27/12/2020 17:55

YABU

My father was hands in dad growing up and has taken care of my D.C. on occasion from around 8 months old but never would it have occurred to him to hold our baby for 30 minutes for us to have a shag

Also, at 10 weeks, your baby should be able to be left alone - as in not in one of you- for 3o minutes. At this age they should be able to lay in a Moses basket or cot for 30 minutes with you near by. Certainly in the same room and you can have a shag.