To think I've cured my alcoholism?

[whenwewereyoung10]

I'm a 28 year old single mother. This time 2 years ago I was in the depths of despair, I was literally drinking all day everyday, from the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed. This time two years ago I was in my kitchen with a glass of red wine, vomiting on the floor whilst taking gulps of red wine in between.

I was ruining my life, I was missing work, losing weight at a rapid speed, ruining friendships and my ex had my daughter full time as I couldn't be trusted to have her.

In January 2019 I asked for help and got it, I started attending alcohol counselling, went on antidepressants and became sober. I sorted my life out, got my daughter back to me full time, started excelling in my job and got a promotion. The dark clouds shifted and genuinely life has been a real pleasure.

However, during lockdown I started drinking again. No real reason for it other than that I felt I had sorted my problems and was now able to drink.

It's been 9 months now and I drink around once a week, sometimes only one drink, sometimes getting bladdered. I've stuck to my rules, such as not drinking when my daughter is in the house, not drinking two nights in a row, not drinking in the mornings etc. And I truly feel like I can take or leave alcohol now.

It dawned on me last night when I was sitting down and had one Baileys and didn't even finish it that made me think how much my relationship with alcohol has changed. I would never have been able to have just the one Baileys 2 years ago, never mind not finishing it.

Yes I have been drunk a few times but has always been socially and I can go in between drinking without it even entering my mind when it used to be a struggle to get through an hour.

I usually would think that this was only short term and that inevitably my drinking would creep up once again, however, it's been 9 months now and no change. I can genuinely say I am happy with every aspect of my life, including my alcohol intake. I genuinely feel like a changed person.

AIBU to believe I have genuinely cured my alcoholism?

Can you cure alcoholism? I thought that if you have an addictive personality then the risk of relapsing was always there?
If I had lost residency of my DC in the past, I know I wouldn’t be having alcohol anywhere near my house.
I’m happy that things are going well for you OP - I hope they continue to do so

Alcoholism can't be cured, sorry OP I think this is the start of a downward spiral.

You've done so well and come so far. You have achieved so much, why do you think you need a drink at all? How does it enhance or benefit your life?

Well I was thinking more along the lines of perhaps I was drinking due to depression and now that I'm not depressed I don't feel that need to drink like I did anymore.

It’s a very dangerous attitude IMO. What about when things aren’t going so well? Say DC are playing up, bad day at work and you’re feeling tired, fed up and in need of a pick- me-up?

I’m delighted you have turned things around so well but do be careful.

If you've had a difficult relationship with alcohol in the past, I round be extremely wary of reintroducing alcohol again at all. I don't believe for most alcoholics that it's possible to not slip. It wouldn't be a risk id be willing to test. You've done brilliantly in coming back from the place you were before, but if Iwas your friend, I'd be concerned.

@MatildaTheCat thank you. The difference is that when I'm having a bad day etc I now know better than to treat it with alcohol, I'm aware how alcohol only makes things worse. Which is why having my rules in place really, really helps me.

I don't drink when I'm depressed or worried or celebrating for that matter. I used to believe that alcohol made me a much more interesting, happier person but I know now that that is a lie. I basically feel now that I see alcohol for what it is and not just as a lifeline and therefore I am able to take it or leave it when suits me.

YABU to think you're ever over or cured of alcoholism.

Well I was thinking more along the lines of perhaps I was drinking due to depression and now that I'm not depressed I don't feel that need to drink like I did anymore.

But what happens next time you're depressed or going through a hard time?

It's great you've made so much progress and I really do not for one minute want to knock you for that, but don't ever let your guard down where alcohol is concerned.

I work with people with people with drug and alcohol dependencies. I would personally say you are very much the exception to "the rule". Good luck on your journey

@whenwewereyoung10

Well I was thinking more along the lines of perhaps I was drinking due to depression and now that I'm not depressed I don't feel that need to drink like I did anymore.

So why are you drinking? To be frank, alcohol (and any other addictive substance) should have no place in your life. If you find that a difficult concept then you are clearly not 'cured'. It's really not worth the risk OP. What are you currently getting from those drinks?

I know you have your rules in place, but it's very difficult to stick to those when you're in a poor emotion or mental state. It might be very easy to revert to the booze.

No. You are on the beginnings of a slippery slope. My dad did similar, got sober and then it was just on occasions, just once a week, just on a weekend etc.

My childhood was ruined by him.

If you care for your child, you'd stop. You aren't in control and you will always be an alcoholic (even if you are dry).

@Cam2020 I see what you're saying. I think for me I just wouldn't drink when I'm depressed. I no longer look at alcohol as if it's going to help me in those situations, I know it would only make me feel worse. I have been down in the dumps since starting drinking again but alcohol is just not something that enter my mind anymore to cheer me up. I'd rather get into bed with a good book for that.

You don't need alcohol, you don't use it to cheer you up, so why are you still drinking?

@MrsBrunch I enjoy the tradition I suppose, and of course I enjoy the feeling of getting buzzed. But it's so different now as I feel i am choosing to drink rather than the drink choosing me. For instance, I like being able to sit and sip a glass of wine or two on a child free night with some nibbles then head to bed. When I was out of control I couldn't have one or two glasses, it was two bottles. And I couldn't stop the next morning, I'd of continued on. Whereas now it's just totally diffeeent.

Sadly I too think you're deluding yourself. Saying you just won't drink when you're depressed is a dangerous mindset as you might not even be aware you're becoming depressed until you're quite low.

You are allowing alcohol to still be an option. Great that you've had treatment that has worked for you and helped you to a better place emotionally but life isn't static and your emotional reaction to life may change too.

Please stop while you can and don't start again. You owe it to yourself to stay healthy & well. Talk to other recovering alcoholics if you can or an alcohol advice service for a reality check. Please.

Does your ex know your drinking again? If I was in this situation and found out my ex was drinking again I'd be incredibly concerned about my child in that situation. Whether you believe it applies to you or not the general rule is addicts will always be addicts and given you say you don't get anything out of it now and you've lost your child once from this why on earth would you be risking it.

Nine months is early days.

I think once you realise you’re an arsehole drunk or in the way you use drink and have changed most of your habits you can change. The more you realise “i don’t need that” or “I’m enough without that” then I think you can “cure” yourself. I think you’ve done really well. But yeah, be careful of falling down the hole again.

@Umbridge34 yes my ex knows and he also is able to spot my behaviour if it's slipping. My family know, no one is worried as they can see how well I'm doing. It's fairly obvious when I slip up so it's fairly obvious when I am doing well. I will never lose my daughter again and she has no idea I am drinking once every while.

OP the fact that you have rules around drinking just illustrates how you are trying to control it. Normal drinkers don't need rules. You are not cured. What you chose to do with that information is up to you.

@Sakesman thank you, that is exactly how I feel. Before I used to think I needed alcohol, it genuinely controlled every aspect of my life, now I know I don't need it, it doesn't make me funnier, smarter, happier, more confident etc. I can enjoy a few drinks and then put the glass down and going to my bed because as you say I'm good enough without it. I realise that now.

You can't sure alcoholism, I'm sorry OP. I'm glad things are going well for you right now, but it will always be there, there will always be the chance of relapsing. You might feel in control but that is the nature of addiction, it does make you feel like you are in control until all of a sudden you aren't anymore. It is so easy to slip back into bad habits without even realising until its too late.

Echoing what the above posters have said, you're managing your life and addiction well and at the moment have a healthy relationship with substances, but you haven't cured anything. You've changed your life so that alcohol hasn't become the crutch you lean on for support and while those life changes are in place, you're 'clean'.

However, if circumstances were to become difficult or completely different to how they are now, there is a real risk you would fall back into old habits and addictions and that's the eternal struggle. That's why you're never truly over alcoholism, you're always in recovery.

My ex is an alcoholic and would frequently do the same as you. It would start off as one drink a week, then two, then every night and all weekend til it was all the time, then he'd embarrass himself because of his drinking, sometimes in front of others, sometimes just me. I won't go into it, but one time it was throughly disgusting and any normal person would've given up drink on the spot for the rest of their lives, but as usual, he did it for a couple of months then said he had to 'prove to himself that he could still drink but not to excess' 🙄 So it started off with one drink a week, then two and the cycle starts again.

So no, I don't think you can cure alcoholism. You can fool yourself into thinking that you can handle a drink or two but eventually you'll be back to where you started. You don't have to drink alcohol. It's not like going on a diet, where you still have to eat.

Have you explored or sought support from the recovery community such as SMART?