To think I've cured my alcoholism?

[whenwewereyoung10]

I'm a 28 year old single mother. This time 2 years ago I was in the depths of despair, I was literally drinking all day everyday, from the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed. This time two years ago I was in my kitchen with a glass of red wine, vomiting on the floor whilst taking gulps of red wine in between.

I was ruining my life, I was missing work, losing weight at a rapid speed, ruining friendships and my ex had my daughter full time as I couldn't be trusted to have her.

In January 2019 I asked for help and got it, I started attending alcohol counselling, went on antidepressants and became sober. I sorted my life out, got my daughter back to me full time, started excelling in my job and got a promotion. The dark clouds shifted and genuinely life has been a real pleasure.

However, during lockdown I started drinking again. No real reason for it other than that I felt I had sorted my problems and was now able to drink.

It's been 9 months now and I drink around once a week, sometimes only one drink, sometimes getting bladdered. I've stuck to my rules, such as not drinking when my daughter is in the house, not drinking two nights in a row, not drinking in the mornings etc. And I truly feel like I can take or leave alcohol now.

It dawned on me last night when I was sitting down and had one Baileys and didn't even finish it that made me think how much my relationship with alcohol has changed. I would never have been able to have just the one Baileys 2 years ago, never mind not finishing it.

Yes I have been drunk a few times but has always been socially and I can go in between drinking without it even entering my mind when it used to be a struggle to get through an hour.

I usually would think that this was only short term and that inevitably my drinking would creep up once again, however, it's been 9 months now and no change. I can genuinely say I am happy with every aspect of my life, including my alcohol intake. I genuinely feel like a changed person.

AIBU to believe I have genuinely cured my alcoholism?

I don't think it's true to say the OP will always be an alcoholic. Just because she was once dependent n it doesn't mean that she can't control it and have the occasional drink without lapsing back into a dependent state.

I don't see what is the difference between her and me- I drink becauseI enjoy the felling it gives me and the taste- but I'm not dependent. The OP also admits she drinks because she likes the feeling- I don't see why she also can't be expected to control it as well.

@whenwewereyoung10

Thanks for everyone's comments. Going to come off this thread now as rather negative and toxic. Have a good one everyone.

People have asked important questions, shared experiences and explained consequences.

The fact you choose to leave the thread rather than take anything on board displays the denial that is so dangerous for alcoholics.

Many of us know and love people who are alcoholics, whether still drinking or now sober, and we recognise almost word for word the tactics to attempt to control drinking at various stages.

Your behaviour is textbook and you could get some great support here if you listened.

You are currently choosing the risk of relapse over your daughter. You're actively doing that.

Isn't she worth more than that?

Op, as others have said, alcoholism isn’t ‘curable’.
My childhood was ruined by an alcoholic father.

Thanks for everyone's comments. Going to come off this thread now as rather negative and toxic. Have a good one everyone.

So many people on here have been really supportive. Congratulating you on coming this far etc.

Most of us however are simply not supportive of you drinking. That's not negative or toxic. You interpreting it this way seems like a massive red flag.

I hope you stop drinking and choose your DD over alcohol. You've done it once. You can do it again!!

[quote whenwewereyoung10]@WorraLiberty not less than a year ago I couldn't look after my own daughter. Read the post properly. [/quote]
Ok sorry, 'less than 2 years ago' then.

Does that change anything about what I said?

You swapped your daughter for alcohol once and that was totally out of your control. You've done amazingly but you need to stay in control now so it doesn't happen again and getting bladdered or even just drinking 'around' once a week is not worth the risk to her.

All of this is out of her control.

@whenwewereyoung10

Thanks for everyone's comments. Going to come off this thread now as rather negative and toxic. Have a good one everyone.

Its not negative and toxic for people to disagree with you and not say what you want to hear.

Its trying to be honest that you are probably not cured and if you keep going are probably going to lose your daughter again, whether that is going to be your ex's choice or in the long run your daughters choice

Those who are certain you'll start drinking regularly to excess again don't know that

She already is! She never stopped.

As a child of an alcoholic mother. my experience is that 9 months is not a lot time at all. DM gave up drinking 3 times before she stopped for good. She has now been sober for 40 years. AA, recovering alcoholics, Ala-teen, Al-Anon were all part of my childhood and teens. 9 months is a great start, but I've seen so many people in your position start drinking again, that I really do think that the only way to maintain long term sobriety is not to consider alcohol to be an option. The percieved wisdom is that you cannot "cure" alcoholism. You can manage it, but not cure it. Even 40 years after her last drink, DM refers to herself as a recovering alcoholic.

Oh, missed the OP's last update.

In that case I think a PP had it right earlier on in the thread.

You've really just come here looking for approval for your weekly drinking/binge drinking.

Well done on the progress you have made. Keep going with it.

It's been 9 months now and I drink around once a week, sometimes only one drink, sometimes getting bladdered.

Getting bladdered is not a healthy relationship with alcohol. Binge drinking once a week is still alcoholism. I can only agree with PPs - if you say you can take it or leave it, please do just leave it.

@whenwewereyoung10

Thanks for everyone's comments. Going to come off this thread now as rather negative and toxic. Have a good one everyone.

OP there are lots of supportive threads on the Alcohol support boards on mn. People are being blunt to be kind. Please take care of yourself and remember sometimes it's the addiction talking to you and skewing your thoughts.

@FreekStar

I don't think it's true to say the OP will always be an alcoholic. Just because she was once dependent n it doesn't mean that she can't control it and have the occasional drink without lapsing back into a dependent state.

I don't see what is the difference between her and me- I drink becauseI enjoy the felling it gives me and the taste- but I'm not dependent. The OP also admits she drinks because she likes the feeling- I don't see why she also can't be expected to control it as well.

You don't see the difference? Has your drinking being so bad you lost custody of your child?

I’ve seen your last update. You’ve come a long way OP, but you’ve still got a long way to go. Asking for support to enable your current drinking (no single parent should be getting ‘bladdered, ever), shows that. Good luck on your journey.

Is the half a glass of Baileys ever worth the potential risk of slipping back into an alcoholic state?

The fact that you think it is worth the risk suggests that you are not over your alcohol addiction.

I haven't drank alcohol since 2016 OP.
After all these years I wouldn't run the risk.
It seems to me that you think about alcohol a lot if you are musing about it and two years isn't really that long when you've lost so much in the past to start the ball rolling again and even test this illusion that you're 'cured'.
Is it healthy to need to set rules around your drinking?

Do people who aren't preoccupied with drinking even start threads like this?

No. You have not 'cured' your alcoholism.

@Meowchickameowmeow

No. You have not 'cured' your alcoholism.

You state it like a fact. Have you anything to back it up? Or just thinking that because it's your opinion it must be true?

@Spied

I haven't drank alcohol since 2016 OP. After all these years I wouldn't run the risk. It seems to me that you think about alcohol a lot if you are musing about it and two years isn't really that long when you've lost so much in the past to start the ball rolling again and even test this illusion that you're 'cured'. Is it healthy to need to set rules around your drinking?

Do people who aren't preoccupied with drinking even start threads like this?

Totally agree the average heavy drinker would never need to justify their drinking I have been in AA many many years and haven’t come across a single one that has cured alcoholism The last person to see I was in trouble was me

My brother didn't admit that he was an alcoholic, I saw him a week before he died from liver poisoning through alcohol and he still wouldn't admit he had a problem. It was so upsetting and so frustrating, he still claimed he drank because he wanted to not because he had to.
He was admitted to hospital so many times, he always turned down rehab as he insisted he didn't have a problem. He was rarely 'bladdered'. He died, alone in his flat, having lost his family, job, and house. I cannot understand how he could minimise it and try to explain it away like he did, it was total denial.
Op if you do come back to read any more replies I can honestly say the enjoyment you get from drinking are not worth the potential long term outcome for you and your daughter.

Good luck

You were an alcoholic, you cannot drink. Ever. You are already out of control by getting drunk. You cannot drink. Ever.

You state it like a fact. Have you anything to back it up? Or just thinking that because it's your opinion it must be true?

She's still drinking, still getting bladdered, still enjoying the buzz. That is not cured by any definition of the word.

@Meowchickameowmeow

You state it like a fact. Have you anything to back it up? Or just thinking that because it's your opinion it must be true?

She's still drinking, still getting bladdered, still enjoying the buzz. That is not cured by any definition of the word.

Exactly and deep down she must know she's standing at the top of a very steep slippery slope whenever she does that.

You threw a way a year of sobriety and are risking your daughter being removed again, why on earth would you do that? No you can’t cure alcoholism and the fact you think you can is outright dangerous. Quit now before you lose everything, again. Sheer selfishness and stupidity to not learn from previous mistakes.

I’m another one who has had a struggles with alcohol; it’s connected to my PTSD, which is a result of childhood SA. I had to stop completely for a period, as I had blood tests showing that my liver function was raised.

That is one thing you need to watch out for, especially with young DC. You really don’t want to risk them losing their mum prematurely.

It really has parallels to an abusive relationship. Your partner beat the crap out of you many times and you stayed with him. Your child was taken away because she wasn't safe with you, you were badly physically injured by this relationship and everyone was desperately worried about you. Eventually you broke up with him and your family rejoiced! You've been living a normal life, you got your daughter back, everything seemed great. But now you're inviting him around occasionally. You think he's changed. Things won't be like they were before, it's different now.

We all know how this ends OP. It's never different. Dump the alcohol. No good can come of it.