To think I've cured my alcoholism?

[whenwewereyoung10]

I'm a 28 year old single mother. This time 2 years ago I was in the depths of despair, I was literally drinking all day everyday, from the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed. This time two years ago I was in my kitchen with a glass of red wine, vomiting on the floor whilst taking gulps of red wine in between.

I was ruining my life, I was missing work, losing weight at a rapid speed, ruining friendships and my ex had my daughter full time as I couldn't be trusted to have her.

In January 2019 I asked for help and got it, I started attending alcohol counselling, went on antidepressants and became sober. I sorted my life out, got my daughter back to me full time, started excelling in my job and got a promotion. The dark clouds shifted and genuinely life has been a real pleasure.

However, during lockdown I started drinking again. No real reason for it other than that I felt I had sorted my problems and was now able to drink.

It's been 9 months now and I drink around once a week, sometimes only one drink, sometimes getting bladdered. I've stuck to my rules, such as not drinking when my daughter is in the house, not drinking two nights in a row, not drinking in the mornings etc. And I truly feel like I can take or leave alcohol now.

It dawned on me last night when I was sitting down and had one Baileys and didn't even finish it that made me think how much my relationship with alcohol has changed. I would never have been able to have just the one Baileys 2 years ago, never mind not finishing it.

Yes I have been drunk a few times but has always been socially and I can go in between drinking without it even entering my mind when it used to be a struggle to get through an hour.

I usually would think that this was only short term and that inevitably my drinking would creep up once again, however, it's been 9 months now and no change. I can genuinely say I am happy with every aspect of my life, including my alcohol intake. I genuinely feel like a changed person.

AIBU to believe I have genuinely cured my alcoholism?

AA is not a professional substance misuse organisation

@rosie1959

AA is not a professional substance misuse organisation

Quite. I was making the point that their model (disease model of addiction) is not the only way of supporting someone with a drinking problem.

I would think that anyone who gets ‘bladdered’ has a problem with alcohol tbf. I don’t think you can cure alcoholism unfortunately.

My grandad drinks two drinks a day. Never drunk. Sometimes he doesn’t finish them, and sometimes he will miss a day, or a week - but he would be unable to stop drinking, and that is a problem with a alcohol. No he’s not fall down drunk, but he is still dependant on alcohol to an extend because he actively chooses it when he knows in the past it has been more serious.

I think you’re kidding yourself, I think you’ve done great sorting yourself out but in reality, I think you’d be better not drinking at all.

Try listening or reading Bryony Gordon's book Rock Bottom.

I'm so pleased life is so much better for you now - you've obviously worked really hard to get to this point, and you've done amazingly!

As for whether you can drink again now, I'd just point out that many, many people with drink issues think they can learn to moderate, or just try harder and then this time their drinking will be under control. It doesn't work out for many, because greater willpower isn't a long term solution to this, and willpower is in short supply once you start drinking anyway. It's really easy for 1 drink to become 2, or 5, and then before you know it, you're back to waking up in the morning not remembering everything that happened the night before but feeling sick and ashamed about it. Is that worth the risk of enjoying Bailey's at Christmas and a few glasses of wine?

People who can drink normally don't need rules to moderate their drinking - that you're currently sticking to your rules is great, but wouldn't life be nicer if you didn't have to think about drinking and when you last drank and when you can drink again and rules and whether tonight's the night you might just have one such even though your daughter's at home, because it's been such a long day and you deserve it, and so on and so on.

It's easy to talk yourself round your own rules - many of us have been there and tried all the rules, and it hasn't worked. I hope it does for you, I really do, but if it doesn't, remember that it's never too late to quit. And remember, too, that you said in your op that you've really enjoyed your time sober, so you're not going to be losing out if you decide to stop drinking - stopping entirely is often easier than trying to "drink normally". It's not failing in any way to recognise that there are some things we can't do safely, even if we really want to and try incredibly hard, and for some of us, one of those things is drinking.

wouldn't life be nicer if you didn't have to think about drinking and when you last drank and when you can drink again and rules and whether tonight's the night you might just have one such even though your daughter's at home, because it's been such a long day and you deserve it, and so on and so on.

Absolutely this!

This is why I’m sober. I tried cutting down/moderating but it just meant that alcohol took up SO much headspace, constantly doing the maths to figure out when I could/should drink and how much to allow myself. Sobriety is so liberating as I give alcohol almost zero thought these days!

My husband drinks occasionally and being with him has shown me what a truly healthy relationship with alcohol looks like, and how rare I actually think that is. He will go months and months between drinks but if you asked him ‘when did you last have a drink?’ he wouldn’t have the foggiest because it’s just not something he thinks about or needs to devote any energy to. He doesn’t need to impose rules on himself or do any kind of maths to figure out when or how much to drink. And he has never felt the need to ask anyone else if it’s OK for him to drink either.

I basically came on here to write what @BillMasen wrote...if you know that taking a substance is very likely to negatively affect your relationship with your daughter and you truly can “take or leave” that substance...why would you take it?

Does it mean more to you than your relationship with your daughter?

Literally replace alcohol with any other substance, thought or action and see how ridiculous it is for people to continue to encourage you to do it when it can negatively affect the relationship with your daughter.

I have been sober for over 7 years now and so many times still, I think, well I could probably just have one and it will be ok, as I've worked out why I drank, and I'm sure I could control it now as I'm ok and all the issues can be managed....
What made me realise I absolutely could not have one or moderate was a simple accident - a couple of years ago I picked up what I thought was a can of energy drink and downed it - was cleaning the house and hot and bothered. What I had actually done was down a can of G and T!
After panicking that I would literally die on the spot (!) and calling dh and friends in a a state, I began to feel that lovely buzz - my disordered alcoholic mind immediately then went to - ooh, isnt that lovely, if I have another one, I'll be fine, and then I can just get a few cans in and hide then and have one every now and then... It Is An Addiction and it cannot be cured. Honest!

There is a lot of sense on this thread, mainly coming from alcoholics. That says a lot.

The denial from some and the wish to sweep a serious episode of alcoholic behaviour that lost the OP her child is also very telling.
The relationship our society has with alcohol is problematic.

I also agree that the idea that willpower around moderating is a solid long term solution to ‘curing’ alcoholism is an awful one. It doesn’t work, and it’s such an exhausting, punishing way to live.

You’ve clearly come a long way and that’s to be commended. It doesn’t take away from your achievements but some of what you’ve said raises red flags. I think it can be possible for some recovering alcohol misusers to drink occasionally e.g glass of wine with friends to celebrate a birthday. However, recovery is very new to you still and talking about occasionally getting “bladdered” is not normal this early on in your recovery. You say you can take it or leave it. Leave it. Focus on your daughter and building your life up and keep going.

I am a cannabis addict and I’ve been clean for two years in January.I smoked to help with my depression but it didn’t help, it made it much worse. If my DS was in bed or he went to someone elses house for the night I was high. He would barely be out the door and I was skinning up.

I know I can never touch the stuff again. I am a true addict in that I harbour the desire to be one of these people who can pick it up and put it down at will. In my weaker moments I have convinced myself I’ve cracked it. I haven’t though, because even after all the trouble it caused me, the mess it made of my life, I still want it. Why would I even want to go within 100 miles of something that had laid waste to mine and my DS’s life in such a way? Only an addict would feel like that.

I have one other important point. Since I gave up my MH has been much improved. My frequent bouts of depression have either been so mild as to not be a bother or they haven’t happened. I am a changed person. I thought that as I’d kicked the weed I would never fall into a suicidal depression again. Well I was wrong. These last few months have been awful, and those intrusive suicidal thoughts that hadn’t bothered me for ages came back with a vengeance. I have hit the depressive episode I knew I would struggle to cope with again, and thank the goddess that I am clean, because if I was still using who knows where I’d be now. Even if I’d managed a spliff every now and again, the last few months would have shattered that illusion of control, and that is why I know I can never ever use again.

You know there are swathes of peer reviewed research articles that challenge the idea that alcoholism is a disease. It’s a contested POV. It’s not denial to suggest there are different strategies to manage a substance misuse problem. Abstinence is one.

Whether you believe alcoholism is a disease is by the by, really. Why is preferable to have to spend your life trying to control your consumption of a mind-altering substance that is costing the NHS millions and in the case of the IP, has nearly destroyed her life? Why not just stop?

OP

@Frenchdressing

You know there are swathes of peer reviewed research articles that challenge the idea that alcoholism is a disease. It’s a contested POV. It’s not denial to suggest there are different strategies to manage a substance misuse problem. Abstinence is one.

Agreed but it’s early days for OP and she’s sometimes getting bladdered once a week. Arguing the toss isn’t helpful, she could risk losing her child.

@Frenchdressing

You know there are swathes of peer reviewed research articles that challenge the idea that alcoholism is a disease. It’s a contested POV. It’s not denial to suggest there are different strategies to manage a substance misuse problem. Abstinence is one.

Frenchdressing Could you enlarge on these different strategies to manage substance misuse?

Not really because I don’t have the time but if you search it up you will find endless discussions about disease model, social model. Social learning theory, harm reduction etc.

I was just making a point that total abstinence is not the only way to deal with an alcohol problem and it does t work for everyone.

I did suggest the Op seeks support from her GP though Initially. AA is brilliant for some but is not the only way.

@TomatoCultivator lots of moderation management programs out there, very brief intro to what they are available here:

www.alcohol.org/treatment-types/moderation-management/

To the posters who think they’re ‘helping’ the OP by telling her if she has a single sip of alcohol this means that she prioritises alcohol above her daughter - your intentions are clearly good, you’re trying to guilt her into never drinking again for the sake of her daughter, but you’re also:

A) catastrophising her alcohol use by attaching your own meaning to her drinking, which can have a negative result itself e.g. if OP takes this message to heart and then has a drink she’ll be riddled with guilt and self doubt and grief, possibly thinking that it does mean she loves alcohol more than her daughter (it doesn’t, OP, your love for your daughter is evident and undisputed). What do you all think are the risks of someone with a history of alcohol misuse feeling desperately guilty and horrible? Might make them stop drinking, might make them go on a self-destructive bender;

B) wrong - you’re trying to compare apples and oranges;

C) mean - I just think it’s a desperately mean spirited thing to say, despite your ‘good’ intentions

D) deliberately ignoring the fact the OP has literally turned her life around because it doesn’t fit into your ‘not one drop’ narrative (which, again, doesn’t work for everyone).

If the OP was my sister, daughter, best friend...and she had pretty much fucked her life through her drinking and had her child taken away, and then just two years later was back to drinking and saying she had it all under control...? I would be extremely worried about her. That’s not ‘catastrophising’ anything.

Well @sararh if you think you’re helping OP by diagnosing her as a problem drinker rather than an alcoholic, despite never having met her - something a medical professional you admit you are not would never do - you’re not.

OP may think you are just as an anorexic may find the pro-ana poster and hang on their every word. But you’re basically enabling her by telling her what she wants to hear to justify continuing to drink.

This isn’t about whether OP is technically alcohol dependent or which treatment philosophy to subscribe to etc - it is just basic common sense that some who has had a problem with alcohol misuse/abuse until relatively recently, who is still binge drinking, is not yet in recovery.

@whenwewereyoung10

Thanks for everyone's comments. Going to come off this thread now as rather negative and toxic. Have a good one everyone.

Spoken like a true alcoholic!

You lost your daughter and still can’t put her first? ‘Parents’ like you make me so angry.

The fact you think you’re ‘cured’ yet say you still get ‘bladdered’ speaks volumes. Your poor child. I hope their other parent is a good one.

@TatianaBis

Well *@sararh* if you think you’re helping OP by diagnosing her as a problem drinker rather than an alcoholic, despite never having met her - something a medical professional you admit you are not would never do - you’re not.

OP may think you are just as an anorexic may find the pro-ana poster and hang on their every word. But you’re basically enabling her by telling her what she wants to hear to justify continuing to drink.

This isn’t about whether OP is technically alcohol dependent or which treatment philosophy to subscribe to etc - it is just basic common sense that some who has had a problem with alcohol misuse/abuse until relatively recently, who is still binge drinking, is not yet in recovery.

Yet the people who are diagnosing her as an alcoholic (also over the internet) who cannot have even a sip of drink without ‘proving’ she loves alcohol more than her daughter are helping? Addiction is so complex. The ‘common sense’ approach of ‘just stop drinking completely - simples!’ does not work for everyone.

The idea that we must all form a united front to patronise and guilt trip the OP for her own good is not one I am willing to partake in.

@sararh You are clearly out of your depth here. Your naïveté is startling. No one is catastrophising. The OP painted a vivid picture of her own shocking alcohol abuse.

The OP is 100% responsible for her own actions. Nothing we say will "make" her drink. It would appear that you are being manipulative and using guilt as an emotional tool, not us. We are merely reminding the OP of the consequences of her past drinking.

No one is being "mean" to the OP. We are talking to her about our experience as alcoholics and people who love alcoholics. The OP is clearly being dishonest and we refuse to support her dishonesty.

Nine months is hardly "turning your life around," especially if you are still drinking.

Would you have such a cavalier and naive attitude if the OP were abusing prescription drugs or cocaine?