To think I've cured my alcoholism?

[whenwewereyoung10]

I'm a 28 year old single mother. This time 2 years ago I was in the depths of despair, I was literally drinking all day everyday, from the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed. This time two years ago I was in my kitchen with a glass of red wine, vomiting on the floor whilst taking gulps of red wine in between.

I was ruining my life, I was missing work, losing weight at a rapid speed, ruining friendships and my ex had my daughter full time as I couldn't be trusted to have her.

In January 2019 I asked for help and got it, I started attending alcohol counselling, went on antidepressants and became sober. I sorted my life out, got my daughter back to me full time, started excelling in my job and got a promotion. The dark clouds shifted and genuinely life has been a real pleasure.

However, during lockdown I started drinking again. No real reason for it other than that I felt I had sorted my problems and was now able to drink.

It's been 9 months now and I drink around once a week, sometimes only one drink, sometimes getting bladdered. I've stuck to my rules, such as not drinking when my daughter is in the house, not drinking two nights in a row, not drinking in the mornings etc. And I truly feel like I can take or leave alcohol now.

It dawned on me last night when I was sitting down and had one Baileys and didn't even finish it that made me think how much my relationship with alcohol has changed. I would never have been able to have just the one Baileys 2 years ago, never mind not finishing it.

Yes I have been drunk a few times but has always been socially and I can go in between drinking without it even entering my mind when it used to be a struggle to get through an hour.

I usually would think that this was only short term and that inevitably my drinking would creep up once again, however, it's been 9 months now and no change. I can genuinely say I am happy with every aspect of my life, including my alcohol intake. I genuinely feel like a changed person.

AIBU to believe I have genuinely cured my alcoholism?

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here.
Yes alcohol addictions are very complex but you should be proud of how far you have came and I think a lot of people are focusing on the negatives and what could happen should your addiction rear up again.
Yes okay you may never be cured of alcoholism But judging from how far you have come by the sounds of it you have it under control and recognise triggers and have a healthy support network around you.
So be proud. Congratulations on how far you've come.
May it be a stark reminder to never go back to that place

Your alcohol counselling can't have been very good if you've been allowed to convince yourself you're 'cured'.

Contrary to a lot of people here I don't believe abstinence always has to be the ultimate goal in recovery, I have known some addicts go on to have a reasonably healthy, pro-social relationship with drink but not a single one of them would consider themselves 'cured' OP. Especially not after 9 short months, and especially not in such a strange, atypical 9 months.

They all understand that recovery is lifelong.

YABU to even think you've "cured" your drink problem. It's not something that can be cured, if someone is an alcoholic they will always be an alcoholic. Your "choice" - if it is such a thing - is whether you are able (and want) to be an alcoholic who doesn't drink.

It doesn't matter if someone has been drink-free for decades, it only takes one slip, one period of personal difficulty, and the downward spiral will start again. All you can do is try your best to not have that next drink.

Nobody needs to drink.

Nobody needs alcohol consumption above zero.

How exactly are you going to explain it to your daughter, that’s what I’m wondering. That alcohol was more important.

You’ve reduced the amount you’re drinking. That’s all.

I think you are playing with fire where the person who could get burnt is your daughter.

What are you getting out of alcohol at the moment? Is it the flavour? Surely there are other nice flavours. And if it is relaxation, there are other ways to relax. But why take a chance with your daughter's well-being?

If you want to go back to drinking at least wait until your daughter is grown up.

I basically feel now that I see alcohol for what it is and not just as a lifeline and therefore I am able to take it or leave it when suits me.

Then you should leave it. If drinking is truly a choice for you then just stop drinking altogether. You lost custody of your daughter, you caused untold damage to your body; why would you choose to do something so harmful?

You have done well to quit but I agree with the other posters; you're in denial. Just stop drinking, sober life is fun! I haven't drank for a few years now and my life has honestly never been better.

I’m really sorry but you’re deluded. You can’t cure alcoholism or other addictions, they are always there and it’s easy to think you’ve got control and just slip.

You had your daughter unable to live with you. You now still get wasted. It’s a slippery slope.

“I will never lose my daughter again and she has no idea I am drinking once every while.“

Please, for the sake of your kid, shake yourself and remove all of the alcohol from your house and life. Focus on healthy activities that give you a buzz.

I am in a similar situation. My very heavy/problematic abuse of alcohol was brought on by depression, PTSD, loss of my mother etc...I was drinking to self medicate. I drink now for enjoyment - only problem is that I have no idea if I have the coping mechanism to deal with the next big crisis. But then, would I, if I were teetotal? Or would I "relapse" anyway?

AA did not and will never work for me.

Things are obviously much better than they were. Here's what I don't understand. You've said that your alcoholism was so bad previously that you were unfit to take care of your child, and that it was so compulsive that you continued to drink even whilst it was making you physically sick on the floor. If after that journey you truly believe that you can take or leave alcohol, why are you taking it rather than leaving it? Do you think that "I like a treat" is the whole of the answer given how this substance turned your life upside down when it was fully in the driving seat?

"sometimes getting bladdered"
"I enjoy the feeling of getting buzzed"
"I don't drink when I'm depressed or worried or celebrating"
These comments of yours stood out to me. I'd be very surprised if family members weren't concerned that you were drinking again - do they really know every time you've been drunk or did you not tell them?
Alcohol causes depressive thoughts - and it's a downward spiral.
You're still in the early stages - thinking you're in control but continue with this and it will escalate.
My childhood was so damaged due to a drinking mother. She could go long periods with no drink and then think she was in control. She never was.

If you think you're in control then don't drink at all - you don't need it.
I wish you all the best beating this.

You said in your first point that you went to an alcohol addiction support group.

I think you need to contact them again and talk to the therapist. I think that you need help to get through this stage of your relationship with alcohol, you think you are in control, I think you could be going through a very deceptive stage of your addiction where you need help to understand how addiction works.

@WorraLiberty not less than a year ago I couldn't look after my own daughter. Read the post properly.

I've stuck to my rules.

Let's take a sober look at those rules:

1. not drinking when my daughter is in the house,
2. not drinking two nights in a row
3. not drinking in the mornings

In the kindest possible way, only an alcoholic would need those rules.

Wake up OP.

Addictive behaviour doesn’t go away. Whether it’s food/drugs/alcohol/exercise/shopping/gambling. It’s SO hard, OP. Well done. So far.

Thanks for everyone's comments. Going to come off this thread now as rather negative and toxic. Have a good one everyone.

Contrary to a lot of people here I don't believe abstinence always has to be the ultimate goal in recovery, I have known some addicts go on to have a reasonably healthy, pro-social relationship with drink but not a single one of them would consider themselves 'cured' OP. Especially not after 9 short months, and especially not in such a strange, atypical 9 months.

Yes, I agree. This works for some / a few people.

But it doesn't sound like the OP is a social kind of drinker that had one glass of prosecco this Christmas and won't touch it again until her birthday in June (or whenever).

It sounds like the OP drinks alone.
And has in my opinion some very very relaxed "rules". She can drink a lot of alcohol and still stick to them. That seems massively concerning.

I really hope you stop, op. For your DD.

Anyhow. Well done for coming this far. Please don't allow yourself to spiral.

Yes, it's hard. But you have the strength to do it!

9 months is very very early days. You're probably playing with fire.

@whenwewereyoung10

Thanks for everyone's comments. Going to come off this thread now as rather negative and toxic. Have a good one everyone.

Like I said, denial is the cornerstone of alcoholism.

No, alcoholism cannot be cured. You’ll use again one day in a maladaptive way when life is hard.

And I truly feel like I can take or leave alcohol now.

I know I don't need it, it doesn't make me funnier, smarter, happier, more confident etc.

If you can take it or leave it then why not leave it?

It is something that meant you lost care of your child.

You are putting self imposed rules in place to have something that in the past ruined your life, in the present doesn't add anything meaningful to your life and in the future could ruin your life again.

Something that lost you care of your child. And something that cost your child the security and safety a mother provides.

You chose alcohol then because you are an alcoholic. You are choosing alcohol over sobriety now because you are an alcoholic.

You cannot risk relapsing and it is selfish to be doing so considering you have a daughter who has already been affected in the past.

Sorry that's probably hard to hear but it's important.

But it's so different now as I feel i am choosing to drink rather than the drink choosing me

This is the crux of it. There's a lot of invalidating drama on this thread. There's no 'yes or no' answer. Those who are certain you'll start drinking regularly to excess again don't know that. Any of us might start to drink to excess at any time, so you have to keep an eye on it. Recognising that you are in control of it rather than it being in control of you is vital.

I have 2 questions: When you drink to excess, do you deliberately set out to 'get drunk' and deal with the fallout? And why are you asking others if you've cracked it? Why don't you know? That's the only thing that would make me question your resolve. You are looking externally for validation. Why are you not getting it from within?

Well done OP
Like really well done
It’s not easy to get yourself out of a pit
And you did 👋👋👋

You cannot cure alcoholism you can recover by never drinking again
Not everyone who drinks too much is an alcoholic despite the views on MN
But the average heavy drinker does not have to control their drinking