To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

Why on earth did you tell them?
That’s incredibly insensitive to have told them straight after the test and no even at 12 weeks

YANBU OP! I'm in a similar situation (although not quite as extreme I don't think) and it's really hard. I'm 7 weeks now and I'm hoping things go on the people who are there for me will show up 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's really hard though as it feels like they're taking away some of the joy.

The dynamic has changed, I am sure they will come round but imagine one of them had succeeded and you hadn’t. Would you honestly be fully supportive so early on? Wouldn’t part of you want to distance yourself? Maybe give them time to come around and accept that they may always be slightly envious...

@Dishwashersaurous they asked, I told them. We've always been very open about it and they knew when I was having the transfer.

Unfortunately it is a natural reaction to feel jealous/hurt/resentful under the joy for your pregnancy, it isn't fair or nice.
I wouldn't share my pregnancy symptoms with them.

I know your right @Gizlotsmum. I suppose it just hurts a bit, but perhaps I'd be exactly the same.

How long have they been trying for? And how many rounds? I can understand both sides of this. It’s a tricky situation.

But also, congratulations!

I would imagine them not being able to get pg is making them a whole lot more miserable than you are feeling because they won’t “acknowledge” your pregnancy.
You’re being hugely insensitive.

I would join a pregnancy group now and just check in with these friends periodically

You need to give them some space. How would you feel if it were reversed? I'm sure they're happy for you but it'll also heighten their own sadness. If they're true friends they'll come round in time, if not then no loss really.

You have an "advantage" now, for want of a better word, because you are pregnant and have of course done nothing wrong and can always rightly say so, while they have a lot of pain to overcome before they can be seen as decent. Be sensitive and give them some time and space.

Congratulations! But you are being a bit unreasonable, I’m afraid. How would you feel if it were the other way round? Your being successful will only serve to highlight to them that they haven’t been. I’m sure they do wish you well - and they certainly won’t think you’ve done anything wrong - but it must be difficult to watch someone succeed at something you’ve desperately wanted to happen and hasn’t for you.

You’ve got what they want more than anything else in the world and they feel hurt and envious.

Cut them some slack and cut out the baby talk for a while to give them time to come to terms with it.

Well congratulations to you. I'm sure they are happy for you, but also absolutely heartbroken for themselves, and also feeling a mix of anger, envy and shame. As another poster said, put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would have felt if it was the other way around.

I think seeing as you have exactly what they want the most you can afford to be kind about this and be the bigger person. Yes you want them to be happy for you and maybe in their position you would be but I think you need to give them time and hopefully they’ll be able to be happy for you in time. I’m not sure I’d be talking about symptoms too much with them as I’d think it was rubbing it in.

Yes it will be hard for them, sadly it’s far too emotive and they’re too tied into their own struggles to be truly happy and a support to you now. That will be very difficult for you to realise but I think you should look elsewhere for support for the time being.

If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it.

Is there a reason you have to mention this kind of thing to them?

I was listening to the Christmas special of BFN podcast and they acknowledged this, the infertility community is a funny one its like when you achieve the goal you're not really welcome.

On one hand its amazing to see that treatment does work, on the other hand if they see the 1 in 3 success stats and that you've achieved it probably makes them feel less likely to get there. Rubbish of course but its where my mind went.

I would try keep the complaining to a minimum, if its all they want then hearing you talk about sickness could come off as ungrateful. Again, its rubbish I was always aware that pregnancy was not a barrel of laughs.

Have they had a lot of treatment? They might find it tricky to see your success so quickly. You won't have had an easy ride but you've been spared some agony when it doesn't work.

I would look elsewhere for support as you're only going to be upset if they don't step up they way you want them too. Hopefully they'll be back in time, congratulations on your BFP

Congratulations on your pregnancy. If you’ve only just found out then calm down a bit and let them have a chance for it to sink in. And you must realise it’s profoundly insensitive to complain about symptoms when these other women world no doubt chew their own arms off to feel like that.

Of course you’re happy but try and find a bit of empathy as well. You felt sick, that’s because you’re pregnant, which is what you wanted. If you need to moan please do it to your husband, or anyone else rather than the people who so desperately want your problems.

YABU

of course do not keep it a secret, but mentioning details of your pregnancy, feeling sick etc.. is very insensitive.

You of all people should know the upset and heartache other people's pregnancy can be. I see nothing wrong in putting things on your social media if you like, people can scroll, ignore you and even mute you,
but you do not put someone on the spot and speak about it TO THEM.

Congratulations on your baby! I can see why you would like everyone to be happy for you but can also understand why they just can’t bring themselves to talk to you about it - you say you’re the first to get pregnant but actually they may never get pregnant. It’s early days, they are probably still trying to get their heads around how they feel, they may well feel bad that they want to support you but find themselves unable to. They may be struggling with feelings of jealousy/upset. I really don’t think you can expect them to empathise with you feeling sick/tired when they would give anything to feel that way because of a pregnancy.

Of course it is fine for you to announce your pregnancy and celebrate, it’s the happiest of news- but I think you also have to accept that they can’t put their own experiences aside and be unadulteratedly happy for you at this time. I’m sure there will be many other friends and family you can celebrate with. Enjoy your pregnant, hope feelings of sickness etc pass soon.

Thanks all. I feared I was being unreasonable but didn't really feel like it.

I will add that the only time I mentioned symptoms was when I was offered a mince pie and I said 'no thanks, I'm feeling a bit sicky' - so I'm really not in their face about it

Congratulations! 💖💙

But pregnancy is hard for a lot of people, it reminds them of what they haven’t got and at times feels like they never will...

I’m 38 weeks pregnant, I noticed a lot of my friendships changed and I have spent a large part of this pregnancy feeling really lonely - and I don’t have a wide network of friends who are TTC (that I know about).

Why do you need to 'announce' your pregnancy at 12 weeks? Tell very close family and friends privately, and other friends as you speak to them?

Other people’s pregnancies are boring enough and some feel like nine years not nine months.

For them, it’s going to be hard and they would likely welcome the sickness not moan about it. Agree you need to cut them some slack, it’s not all about you.