To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

Feel happy, celebrate with your partner in private and congratulations :)
Don’t expect anything from your friends still going through IVF, just hope silently for the best for them.

All my dreams will be coming true with a health pregnancy and baby. I see no need to have my ‘time to shine’ that so many pregnant women seem to be obsessed with. And my friends who have struggled have been the same so far.

I felt like this too.

Well I obviously don’t know what I’m talking about so I will leave you to it.

I hadn't rtft when I commented. I have now and you definitely do not deserve the kicking you've had, OP. My guess is that there's a tendency to view pregnant women as self-entitled princesses (some do behave as such of course) so perhaps some have commented on that basis. All very bitter. Take no notice, OP. You've accepted that mentioning sickness was an error (minor and totally forgiveable). Waste no more time on the matter

I think it's reasonable to expect pregnant ladies to be sensitive to those struggling in the horrendous world of infertility, regardless of whether they themselves have suffered. But I really don't think that those who went through IVF should be burdened with an expectation that they (in particular) enjoy their pregnancy "silently" as some have suggested. To read some posts here, it's almost as though infertile people who achieve pregnancy should feel guilty and hide their pregnancies.

I've felt the sting (sometimes punch) of other people's pregnancies but I recognised that was irrational. Infertility made me bitter, but I always fought it (often unsuccessfully). I certainly didn't expect other people to be secretive about their pregnancies, and personally I would have been gutted if friends felt they couldn't talk to me (though I know others feel differently).

It took me some years to get to IVF, when I did it I fell pregnant second time. We are friendly with a couple who have had to give up on IVF and accept that they will not have children. The moment they learned we were going to become parents, they congratulated us and from then on made themselves scarce. I think to them, it was a painful reminder of what their painful situation is. I never told them details because I thought that was the best action. My daughter is two and a half and they have seen her twice, once as a baby, and then when she was a year old. We live 500 metres away from each other. I am afraid their feelings are although irrational, very real. So distance yourself a little and get support from other friends.

@Yokey but the op is specifically talking about friends who are doing IvF and have had failed ivf treatments. She is not talking about having to hide her pregnancy from her own friends and family. So this is the reference group others are giving advice or opinions based on. Hence saying to keep quiet about it, be empathic etc. I would also talk about a pregnancy as much or as little as I want to my friends mother and sisters who’ve all had children with no issues but I would be extremely mindful around those who I don’t know may or may be struggling and around social media. It’s not me having to keep it quiet it’s that I would have everything I need by being pregnant. Posting on social media, baby showers - it’s just noise! It’s not important. If I had a baby safely I would have a extravagant christening for sure to celebrate after all we’ve been through and are still going through but again I would be very clear to any friends still struggling that if they can’t be there it’s totally fine by me and we can meet another time on our own for a catch up without baby.

I was trying to be sensitive to a friend struggling with IVF. She works as a nursing auxiliary and I ended up on her ward when I was admitted with hyperemesis gravidarum. She was really angry that I hadn’t told her I was pregnant and still isn’t speaking to me. I feel like I can’t win.

Yabvvu. You have no idea how they feel or you wouldn’t ask the question.

You got pregnant on first round of ivf so you don’t know how it feels to try and fail. We tried for 7 years. At one point it was very hard not to burst into tears at the word “pregnant” and the oddest things could trigger tears. I cried when I saw a cat with lots of kittens. It’s like being starving hungry while having to watch you friends eat. For their own mental health they may need to avoid you for a while - possibly permanently - because it is painful and upsetting to see you. If you were any kind of friend, or just someone with empathy, you would understand.

@letthemeatcakeagain

I don't disagree with what you've said, but I stand by what I said. Some of the responses here are awful in a way that the OP doesn't deserve (and I agree she made a mistake). Infertility is truly cruel and awful, but I don't think it makes it okay to be nasty and bitter towards someone for the crime of succeeding at IVF and not hiding under a rock. I honestly never expected that from anyone during my 10 years ttc, and would have been upset if my friends felt that way. I was so jealous, bitter and angry at times, actually feeling others didn't deserve their pregnancies (even though I knew better), but I didn't expect anyone else to act on my hideous feelings.

@Liana2021

Feel happy, celebrate with your partner in private and congratulations :) Don’t expect anything from your friends still going through IVF, just hope silently for the best for them.

This is a lovely way to look at it op.

I would be sensitive to their emotions but secretly I would be sad they have not been supportive or at least said congratulations.