To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

Congratulations OP!

This sounds like a difficult situation with your friends. As others have suggested, I would let things slow down with this group and keep to non pregnancy topics now.

I couldn’t imagine not being open about symptoms with friends and family in the first trimester. It’s a difficult time no matter how longed for baby is and you need support and positivity. I had about two hours symptom free each day for about 10 weeks - so it would’ve been dishonest/impossible to act as if nothing was happening.

Start to think about the kind of birth you’d like, feeding, antenatal classes in your area and look into joining groups related to those. You will meet supportive people and friends there who are like minded.

Keep supporting them along the lines of "it happened to us, it will happen for you".

Dear god, please don’t do that. It stinks of smug and fertile. OP has no idea if it’ll happen for them and they’re going through enough without being patronised.

I had no trouble conceiving but a nightmare staying pregnant. While I was losing baby after baby anyone who told me it would happen for us, often the same people who opine that “everything happens for a reason” and “some things are or aren’t meant to be” was someone I didn’t need anywhere near me.

There’s no justice in fertility, pregnancy, birth or babies. It’s all just luck. So much of it is still unknown loads of people will never get the answers or outcomes they need and self satisfied pregnant women or parents trying to chivvy you along with meaningless platitudes is an additional and unnecessary kick in the guts.

There is a weird notion on MN that you must hide your happiness of your pregnancy incase you upset some one.

No there isn't. However, wanting to discuss your pregnancy with a couple who are going through fertility treatment and then getting the hump when they unsurprisingly are not terribly enthusiastic to talk about such matters just shows a massive lack of empathy.

You just need to adjust who you spend the most time with and the topics of conversation. It’s simple empathy and graciousness really.

Don’t avoid these fertility friends altogether as that would be insensitive too, but just back if a little and give them time to adjust to your news. It will naturally take a little while. Don’t talk about the pregnancy unless they bring it up. And then, say very little and ensure you remain interested in them.

Find some other friends to discuss in nth detail the experience of pregnancy. You will want this conversation....but you need to have it with the right people.

It’s odd that you need this stuff spelled out to you, having had fertility treatment yourself. Haven’t you too had friends get pregnant with no effort and felt rather mixed feelings? Is it actually hard to see how they will have mixed feelings, need time to adjust to you being in the ‘special club’ when they still aren’t, or that any pregnancy conversation or signs can really grate?

I was broody for a while before we were ready to have a baby and I remember quite vividly the crushed, floored, bitter feeling I would get when my friends announced pregnancies. I cant even imagine how much worse it would be if we were trying, or struggling to get pregnant. It must be devastating. I think you need to be a bit gracious here and keep the detail to a minimum even when they ask. There are plenty of other places you can get support.

I'm pregnant myself now and I'm not intending on any social media announcements or boring on about it to anyone who will listen just because you never know what others are going through.

Congratulations though OP and good luck with your pregnancy!

I can see both sides. We’ve been ttc for a long time and are now under the hospital. I find pregnancy announcements really hard and I distance myself until my feelings subside. It’s a really tough position to be in and I do work on it with each announcement but I tend to stay away from pregnant women because it’s so painful.

Give them some time and space and hopefully they’ll come round. Congratulations to you - you have been through such a lot to get to this point :-)

Congratulations on your pregnancy but 18 months TTC and a single successful round of IVF isn't a struggle.

YABU I’m afraid although I understand where you’re coming from.

Imagine if you and a group of friends all had intense money worries. You all supported each other through the hardest of times. Then suddenly you win the lottery. You want their sympathy about how hard it is to manage all that money and decide what to do with it.

It’s time for you to be sympathetic and have the emotional intelligence to give them space.

Congratulations though - it is wonderful news.

Congratulations on your pregnancy but 18 months TTC and a single successful round of IVF isn't a struggle.

We went through seven years of infertility and joined an amazing, supportive group. Everyone's issues were different, but the rules about meetings were clear: no babies, no pregnant people. It is asking too much of others to be joyful when they're hurting so much.

I will say that every couple who stuck with the group succeeded: every single one. People adopted or were successful with IVF or other treatments or even had spontaneous conceptions. One couple did all three!

It's about never giving up and being there for the long haul.

@MissSmiley

It is - I don’t think anyone is in a position to decide what is and isn’t a struggle for someone else.

@MissSmiley

Congratulations on your pregnancy but 18 months TTC and a single successful round of IVF isn't a struggle.

How on earth do you know what’s been a struggle for the op and what hasn’t?

Rein it in. The idea of announcements, the world being interested etc etc needs a bit of a re-dial. Your excitement need to be contained to 2 or 3 carefully chosen people and some other pregnant women. For everyone else, less is definitely better, even if you want to shriek it from the roof tops.

Op, if you have princessy or ‘look at me’ tendencies, a first pregnancy is exactly the kind of thing you will want to tell the world and go on at great length about and lack empathy over. You need to get a grip now and think more about others and not just yourself. Think very carefully about your words and actions and if you are lacki; in self-awareness (as some people are) then realise saying nothing is usually best, because even comments such as ‘feeling sicky’ are very much fishing for pregnancy conversation. Do t do it.

It's about never giving up and being there for the long haul.

This is so unhelpful. None of you had to give up because you were all successful. At some point, those of us that aren’t have to move on, devastating though that is.

Not that I should have to justify myself, but there seems to be an insinuation that because I got pregnant on my first round of IVF I haven't suffered enough to understand infertility. This is insulting and unkind. I have severe PCOS and had three cancelled rounds for various reasons, so this is the only one that actually made it to egg collection. I was hospitalised with OHSS after and have had a really shit time of it, to be honest.

I am also not planning a grand announcement or some gender reveal nonsense - merely saying that I'm going to be telling mutual friends at 12 weeks because I am thrilled to be expecting after what (for us!!!) has been a long and difficult struggle.

To the poster who suggested I keep these friends close incase I lose the baby - that was a really nasty thing to say.

@DillonPanthersTexas

There is a weird notion on MN that you must hide your happiness of your pregnancy incase you upset some one.

No there isn't. However, wanting to discuss your pregnancy with a couple who are going through fertility treatment and then getting the hump when they unsurprisingly are not terribly enthusiastic to talk about such matters just shows a massive lack of empathy.

They asked her.

I’d agree, that 18 months and a first time successful IVF could be a totally different experience to that had by many others in the group. Being humble and gracious is so important .....so much better if these come naturally and are not forced, but if they need work and effort, put it in.

You need to accept that they are happy for you in some ways but there is an overriding feeling of jealousy/resentment and there always will be.

Infertility is horrible and soul destroying.

Talking about pregnancy symptoms with them (feeling sick) is very insensitive and there's no need to talk to them about this.

@PurpleDaisies

It's about never giving up and being there for the long haul.

This is so unhelpful. None of you had to give up because you were all successful. At some point, those of us that aren’t have to move on, devastating though that is.

Thank you for saying this. .

Op, I don't think you did anything wrong in telling them if they asked. It would have been worse if you'd lied and then told them at 12 weeks, they'd be wondering why you lied to them. I think just take a back seat now and let them come to you. It must be really hard for them and I'm sure they are happy for you but it will also naturally hurt.

@dancingqueen34

Gosh I feel like a bit of a twat to be honest. I never intended to be mean or insensitive, and I wouldn't have told them had they have not asked. I didn't mean to be mean or insensitive, and I feel really upset I've come across that way. I've taken all advice on board and accept that IABU

Very best of luck with your pregnancy OP and a bit of restraint on your part will hopefully mean these friends will be able to share their exciting news with you when the time comes.

YABU to "expect" them to be happy

Sorry to say but when you are dealing with fertility problems pregnancy announcements are the pits.

Discussing your symptoms with them is very insensitive.

Congrats on your pregnancy but maybe give them a wide berth for a bit.

There is a weird notion on MN that you must hide your happiness of your pregnancy incase you upset some one.

No there isn't! People are just expecting a basic level of tact and empathy. For a start no one but possibly your mum is going to be interested in the miniature of your pregnancy so it's best not to bore people but if you know for a fact your friends are struggling with fertility why shove it in their face?

Ooh, I totally understand this! You have my utmost sympathy about your dilemma & huge congratulations about your pregnancy!!

Hubby & I had all sorts of fertility problems...miscarriages, operations, drugs, etc for years. We were desperately sad about it all. For much less time, so did our very close friends. All very supportive of each other. Promises to help each other through & not freak out if we were pregnant at different times etc.

At the height of it for us, after a devastating late miscarriage, our friends got pregnant. It killed me to do it & I cried buckets in private, but I plastered a huge smile on my face, wished them well, checked in with her, listened to her endless updates & was generally there for her - all the while trying to cope with constant disappointment myself & IVF appointments. She wasn't particularly sensitive but I was determined to be 'ok' about it all - for her sake & my own mental health.

Then, miraculously, against the odds, I got pregnant again. Too scared to tell anyone for ages, we kept quiet. Horrifyingly, not long after we found out, my friend suffered a late miscarriage. My heart broke for her & I was very supportive.

From the second we told them that we were pregnant again (very sensitively), she cut me dead - refused to talk to me, would cross the street if she saw me, no reply to my messages, etc. It really hurt me but I let it go to begin with, figuring she needed to heal & I knew what pain she'd be in. I sent her a lengthy message telling her how I understood etc & promised from that point on not to even mention it & just carry on as normal. Plenty of other things to talk about etc. However, she just couldn't even face me. She lived close by & went out of her way to avoid me for months.

When our baby was born, she sent no congratulations, no message, no card, nothing. Carried on avoiding me - crossing the street every time she saw me out walking with the pram etc. I just didn't know what to do for the best. I kept reaching out but she blocked everything. I was really sad & upset so I decided to just drop it in the end. It was impacting on my joy & I'd done all I could.

A few years went by (total cut off - like we never knew each other - repeatedly crossing roads & walking out of places if I walked in etc) & she thankfully had a healthy baby, too. Not long after, she messaged me to re-connect & I was really angry!!

It took me a long time to reply & we've still not become proper friends again. She refused to even acknowledge what had happened & I just couldn't get past how awful she'd been.