To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

All I am saying is don't exclude your friends from your pregnancies just because you think you know how they are feeling. As I said, for me being excluded would have felt very patronising and hurtful

Nobody is saying the OP should totally and completely exclude them from the pregnancy, but that she should allow them to decide if and or when they are ready for those discussions by letting them be the ones to bring it up on conversation.

As I said earlier, due to health issues I cant have any more children after DD, family and friends all know how much I wanted more children and so when they make any pregnancy announcements I will always be sure to congratulate them and then it has always just been understood that they dont mention their pregnancy again until I bring it up and even then they tend not to talk about it a huge amount unless I specifically ask about it.

Most of the time I just need a few days to have a good cry, refresh my coping mechanisms and then I am more than happy to ask them how they are doing/about the pregnancy etc but that comes from 10 years of practice. When my brother announced his wife was pregnant only a couple of months after I was told I couldnt have any more children I was hit for six and it took months for me to even think about asking about her pregnancy without sobbing my heart out.

I know people living with infertility, but more importantly, I’m living with it myself and you don’t seem to be as you use language like ‘would’, which shows you’re making assumptions. So much of what you’ve said is way off the mark. I’d encourage people on this thread not to listen to you, you’re clueless.

The reason I know so many people living with infertility is, as you would know if you had read any of my previous posts, because it took me 17 YEARS to get my bfp. Been there, done that, got the t shirt as they say. Even after 17 very long years I am one of the lucky ones who got there in the end. But I have certainly not forgotten how painful every one of those 17yrs was.

Haven't RTFT but they may also be painfully aware that not all pregnancies are viable and waiting until you are further down the line and have had your 12 weeks scan etc.

Different situation but two friends of mine announced their pregnancies the week or so after I lost a pregnancy (they didn't know as I found out at 12 week scan), we would have all been due at the same time. Safe to say I didn't ask them how they were feeling and just about managed a feeble congratulations.

Give them time.

@gobbynorthernbird

You say "because I've got pregnant first" which just shows how absolutely insensitive you are. Because your friends are not necessarily going to be second, third, or ever.

This

@Emeraldshamrock

Unfortunately it is a natural reaction to feel jealous/hurt/resentful under the joy for your pregnancy, it isn't fair or nice. I wouldn't share my pregnancy symptoms with them.

Yes, this. It’s not exactly admirable on their part, but it’s not super sensitive of you to go on about your pregnancy symptoms - they’d probably kill to have morning sickness and fatigue. Stop talking to them about it unless they ask.

Some people have been really harsh here.

DS was born after my first round of IVF. I was the first in a small group of friends to have kids. They knew about my journey and were delighted for me knowing the 2 years we had spent unsuccessfully trying beforehand. One by one, they fell pregnant naturally and with little effort (it appeared) and I was delighted for them.

I've since had 3 further failed rounds of IVF and am having to accept that more children aren't meant to be for us. They all expressed sadness for me then, once again, one by one fell pregnant with their seconds. I won't lie, it does sting but I have been very happy for them and asked how they are feeling each time and taken an interest in them during their pregnancies etc.

I know this isn't completely the same, as I have a child, but whilst I can understand OP's friends sadness (for years it seemed like everyone was pregnant but me) you can still show an interest in others.

@ChocChipPancake I sincerely hope you have the cop on to not ‘shout it from the rooftops’ to people who are suffering from infertility. I would find it absolutely amazing if after years of infertility because you ‘won’ and got pregnant you would think it gives you the right to go on and on about it when you know this will be inflict hurt and pain on women who are still suffering.

Personally what I have learnt is that if I get pregnant after all I’ve been through I will be so so lucky and I will be so happy. I won’t need to have a baby shower or bombard people with bump or scan pics or post on social media especially as I know I may inadvertently hurt people who are struggling. All my dreams will be coming true with a health pregnancy and baby. I see no need to have my ‘time to shine’ that so many pregnant women seem to be obsessed with. And my friends who have struggled have been the same so far.

I know this isn't completely the same, as I have a child, but whilst I can understand OP's friends sadness (for years it seemed like everyone was pregnant but me) you can still show an interest in others.

Having one child and wanting another is a totally different position from thinking that you will never have one.

@Ginger1982 you are a mother. It is not the same. You have Santa, Christmas plays, can discuss teething and feeding and everything else to do with parenthood with your friends. You are a member of the club. You have the chance of a wedding and grandchildren, in-laws, birthday birthdays and celebrations, holidays with family. A whole world that those without children can only look at from the outside and dream about it.

I am not belittling secondary infertility. It is horrendous. But I can see why you can deal so much better with pregnancy announcements and baby talk.

@PurpleDaisies

I know this isn't completely the same, as I have a child, but whilst I can understand OP's friends sadness (for years it seemed like everyone was pregnant but me) you can still show an interest in others.

Having one child and wanting another is a totally different position from thinking that you will never have one.

Yes, I understand that completely.

[quote Letthemeatcakeagain]@Ginger1982 you are a mother. It is not the same. You have Santa, Christmas plays, can discuss teething and feeding and everything else to do with parenthood with your friends. You are a member of the club. You have the chance of a wedding and grandchildren, in-laws, birthday birthdays and celebrations, holidays with family. A whole world that those without children can only look at from the outside and dream about it.

I am not belittling secondary infertility. It is horrendous. But I can see why you can deal so much better with pregnancy announcements and baby talk.[/quote]
Yes, very true.

They always knew that there was a possibility that one of the couples would have a baby at some point and that it might not be them. I think they need to be happy for you as they would expect you to be for them.

I don’t think you should go out of your way to share pregnancy symptoms or details of the scans with them etc..?If they’re on your social media they can always unfollow you. Don’t ring them or text them to talk about it , wait for them to come to you.
But also don’t feel like you can’t scream your happiness from the rooftops when you can announce it to the rest of the world. You’ve waited a long time for this and you deserve to enjoy it.

Oh god yes, please do text them saying "you knew there was a chance of this, now be happy for me".

What a nuanced dispkay of understanding at the end of an epically long thread where many posters have gone into detail why that tends not to happen.

@Ginger1982 not only is it not “completely” the same, it’s actually nothing like the same.
(and I’m in your position with a single IVF child)

Oh god yes, please do text them saying "you knew there was a chance of this, now be happy for me".

Don’t be bloody ridiculous.

[quote Cocomarine]@Ginger1982 not only is it not “completely” the same, it’s actually nothing like the same.
(and I’m in your position with a single IVF child)[/quote]
Ok, yes I get that. Sorry everyone, was just trying to share my experience.

Of course they knew there was a chance one of the group would end up pregnant... It doesn't make it easier.

I never said it does make it easier.

@funinthesun19

I never said it does make it easier.

So what's your point?

It's irrelevant that they knew there was a chance someone might get pregnant.

Mate, I'm not the one being ridiculous by telling people they should be happy when apparently they're not.

@Parkandride has it right, especially this: the infertility community is a funny one its like when you achieve the goal you're not really welcome

My IVF was successful first time round (and I've not for a single second taken my beautiful 6 month old for granted). But it was like the once very supportive community didn't want me to succeed really. The longer a person has been trying, I guess the more difficult it is for them to see success stories. And there probably is something about the statistical likelihood of it working for them if it worked for me.

On one hand it sucks: I am now infertile again and infertility leaves its scars, so I still consider myself part of the community to some degree. On the other hand, I have what they're desperate for, I'm so lucky, and I understand the bitterness that comes with infertility. Ultimately, I had to accept that I no longer have much in common with those who are infertile and childless. My life is all about my baby now he's here so it's no hardship to me. I regret that it ever upset me. Did we ever want to be in that club anyway? Don't let it get you down.

It is up to you to back off because you've won the big prize. Check in now and then but don't mention pregnancy.

Huge congratulations, OP. I hope your pregnancy is straight forward and you find the overwhelming happiness that my baby has brought me. Spend more time with people who can support you where you are now.

the infertility community is a funny one its like when you achieve the goal you're not really welcome

Well it's a bit like being involved in a group about poverty when you've just won the euromillions isn't it.

In a perfect world everyone should just be happy for everyone else. But it's not where we live. We're human beings with complex, often selfish (understandably and often can't be helped) feelings.

I was jealous and envious and angry and bitter and everything I didn't want to be when other people announced their pregnancies. I don't like that I felt that way, but I did. Yes perhaps I should have been happy for others. But ultimately, we all think about ourselves and our misfortunes foremost. It's human nature.

It's hard to put aside those feelings and 'just be happy' for someone else. No amount of people telling you that you should be able to do it makes it so.

Theres probably some 'reject before you're rejected' too...fear that you will no longer need/want them in your life and will be off with new friends etc

It's really ok for some people to be in your life for a season. OP presumably got the infertility support when she needed it.

They always knew that there was a possibility that one of the couples would have a baby at some point and that it might not be them.

And equally, everyone knows that there's a possibility that it might be them, and this will change the dynamic of their role in the support group.