To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

As PP said it's easy to feel outcast of infertility spaces once you become pregnant

you don't belong there once you are pregnant, can't you see that!

There are plenty of pregnancy groups around and support around, make the most of those.

Oh OP what a tough situation, I do feel for you and your friends. I struggled with infertility and during that time 2 of my friends got pregnant easily. One of them went on and on and on about it and I ended up hating her, and the other tried to be sensitive but every time I saw her it was a reminder of what I couldn’t (then) have. Infertility turned me into a hideous jealous bitter irrational monster, it was awful.

I don’t think there’s really a solution to your situation. You’re naturally excited and want to share that with your friends, but every time they see you it will be a reminder to them of their plight. I think you need to be as sensitive as you possibly can, and keep checking it with them to find out how they are. Never ever moan about any aspect of your pregnancy. Offload to your partner, or other friends not in this situation. And don’t make a big announcement that your friends will see.

And congratulations by the way

• checking in not checking it

As PP said it's easy to feel outcast of infertility spaces once you become pregnant

Well yes...do you think that's unreasonable?

Of course the dynamic has changed, you need to go join one of the groups on mumsnet if you want to have a moan about feeling sick etc. which of course you're allowed to moan about, but dont moan to your infertile friends, they might kill to feel a bit of morning sickness.

It really depends on how many cycles of IVF you're friends have had? Someone who gets a BFP on their first cycle and first transfer - best will in the world - has no idea and can't empathise with someone who is on their 2nd 3rd or 4th round or transfer?

Congratulations on your pregnancy but YABU

I just didn't expect to go from sharing everything to sharing nothing

The difference is that they don't a have pregnancy to share with you. Treatment was a shared experience but now you have the thing that they want and might not get.
Listening to people talking about their pregnancy is boring at the best of times but I'm sure its even worse when you are desperate for a child.

It really depends on how many cycles of IVF your friends have had?

It really doesn’t.

My god, you’re getting a hard time on here! As someone who was literally ostracised for getting pregnant, you have every right to feel hurt.

Yes, it will take them time to come round and you will need to remind yourself constantly what it is like for them. But you are allowed to feel hurt as well.

What do you want them to do when you tell them you feel sick etc? And do you want them to constantly ask about your pregnancy? I wouldn't expect that without any ivf.

If you put all the fertility issues aside, I found that most people really weren’t all that interested in my pregnancy or it’s symptoms. This is huge for you but not for everyone else necessarily.
Tbh by the end of my pregnancy I was so sick of ‘sleepless night soon’ ‘are you ready’ chat I missed people asking, hey how was your weekend.

Enjoy your pregnancy privately and don’t push it on them and they’ll come round.

What 'support' do you need now that you're pregnant? Why the need to talk about it with multiple people? Just get on with it woman, it's hardly some sort of rare disease. Perhaps undersransably, you have made getting pregnant the centre of your life and now that you are it is perhaps all consuming for you- and has occupied that space - but really it's a very everyday thing and of course your friends who are still 'back' in the world of not being pregnant will neither want nor need to hear any detail.

@PurpleDaisies

It really depends on how many cycles of IVF your friends have had?

It really doesn’t.

It really does

In the kindest way the OP hasn't had the crushing disappointment of failed cycles and the fear of multiple failed transfers or collections - of running low on money and scrabbling around to fund the next cycle. She got lucky - that's great for her. But she can't compare her journey to someone else who has had multiple failed rounds

It sounds like because you've told your friends who are struggling with infertility that you're pregnant you're expecting an unreasonable level of support and engagement from them.
You've said you declined a mince pie due to being sicky and felt sad they're not acknowledging your pregnancy, but if you're not wanting them to start pregnancy talk then a polite 'no thank you' is enough. Anything else sounds like you're casting bait and hoping someone bites to bring the topic round to your pregnancy.

I was thrilled for my friends who conceived when I wasn't, but it didn't mean I'd want small reminders of their pregnancy slipped into even the most mundane conversations.

I found that most people really weren’t all that interested in my pregnancy or it’s symptoms.

why should they!

In the kindest way the OP hasn't had the crushing disappointment of failed cycles and the fear of multiple failed transfers or collections - of running low on money and scrabbling around to fund the next cycle. She got lucky - that's great for her. But she can't compare her journey to someone else who has had multiple failed rounds

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been through multiple rounds of ivf or none. If you desperately want to be pregnant abd you’re not, and your friend is it’s bloody awful. Stop trying to police other people’s feeling @ivfbeenbusy

I assume they said congratulations? We are pleased for you? When you told them you were pregnant?

So they have acknowledged it.

They just don’t want to talk about it all the time.

it's easy to feel outcast of infertility spaces once you become pregnant

This is a very strange way to think about it. Nobody wants to inhabit those spaces and they only do so because they have to. You aren’t infertile any more. Was that a big part of your identity previously?

Surely you’re an outcast from infertility spaces because youre pregnant?

I’m confused by that statement.

@dancingqueen34
Please don’t listen to the posters telling you you’ve been insensitive. You friends with people also are going through ivf. Expecting you to wait until you are 12 weeks would be ridiculous. People are literally going to ask if it worked or not so you can’t lie. As for the other friends, I wouldn’t wait til 12 weeks either, especially if they’re friends with the other two. I would let them know you’re waiting for the 12 week all clear for it to be common knowledge but you’re letting them know now as you understand it may be difficult for them to find out the same time as everyone else.

I have been through ivf btw.

@Dishwashersaurous

Most people don’t tell anyone really other than their partner for the first twelve weeks. I get that you are extremely excited and this has been a long difficult journey but really at this point he should be the one that you talk to about it. No one else.

And definitely not friends with fertility problems.

Absolutely. And it’s perfectly possible to keep the entire thing to yourself for much longer. Various reasons meant I didn’t tell anyone at all about my much-wanted pregnancy apart from DH, GP and midwife until I was 19 weeks — even the colleagues who were unobtrusively supportive without asking any questions when I was dealing with sickness at work, and my closest friends, who guessed, but respected my silence.

I didn’t explode from keeping it quiet.

@PurpleDaisies

It really depends on how many cycles of IVF your friends have had?

It really doesn’t.

Totally agree, the number of cycles is a red herring. It’s a cruel binary, you are either pregnant or not. When you’re not, it doesn’t hurt any less if your friend/family member got there through endless rounds of ivf or managed on their first round of ttc.

I got pregnant when my best friend couldn't. She was open about just not managing to be with me, not being able to come to my wedding etc when I was heavily pregnant, which was heartbreaking for me.

But I also understood. She eventually was able to reconnect with me and she's a lovely friend to me and loves the kids.

But I took the time to realise the agony it caused for her- which surpassed the love and happiness she could feel for me.

There's no way I would have rubbed salt into the wound with my pregnancy symptoms.

Please- put yourself into their shoes and empathise.

If they love you they will eventually be able to reconnect with you.

Congratulations OP

A word of warning from someone who has been pregnant 7 times and only has two children.

These are the people who you need in your life should this pregnancy fail. I really hope that you go full term and everything works out but it is very early days.

These people are probably happy for you at the same time as feeling sorry for themselves and indeed envious.

You have what they want but it’s not the end result for another 8months.

Be kind and aware of their feelings tell your none “fertility friends” about the woes of pregnancy and how excited you are for the future.

I really hope everything works out for you but as you know firsthand the fertility journey is a rollercoaster. Be kind to those that are struggling still whilst taking good care of yourself.