To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

"No thanks, I'm feeling a bit sicky" is just fishing for pregnancy related conversation. In their position I would have ignored you too. Please be more sensitive. You can enjoy and discuss your pregnancy with other people.

In the kindest way, have you considered that your hormones are going bonkers right now and you may be feeling over sensitive yourself.

Agree you should join an online group for your pregnancy support. As an older mum I did that, as most of my friends already had older kids. So glad I did.

And it’s likely you’ll make new friends in real life at antenatal classes. Then nursery. Then school. Honestly it’ll be fine.

I suppose also you have to remind yourself how you felt not that long ago going through infertility. Your friends will probably be struggling with the fact that once again it’s happened to someone else and not them. However it may also give them hope as they see the treatment can work.

Of course you being pregnant gives them hope that it might happen for them too but they will also be massively envious of you.

It never gives me hope. Someone else’s fertility has no bearing on mine.

I think you’re being horribly insensitive to expect your infertility friends to want to discuss your pregnancy symptoms! Can you not see how painful that could be? Of course they don’t want to discuss your pregnancy journey for the next 31 weeks!

Great advice from PPs regarding joining a pregnancy board to discuss it with likeminded people, of course you’re excited and it’s all you want to think of and talk about, no one can blame you for that after struggling with infertility but these are not the right friends to do this with. Give them space, let them come to you when they’re ready and hopefully the friendship will survive,

YABU.

How would you feel if it was one of your friends announcing before you? You'd be crushed and reacting the same way as your friends are. It does not mean they do not care, but understand your news will be very difficult for them. I wouldn't mention your pregnancy unless they ask. Id also avoid publicly posting on social media, my friend posted a scan pic of her pregnancy (didn't even know she was expecting, again) which I found very difficult. She continues to post updates so I just have to hide them. You must understand how your friends are feeling? Your expecting too much of them.

YANBU OP.

But the dynamic has changed.

I’ve been through IVF three times. It’s tough but when you get that positive result your elated/scared/excited ect.. and you do want to share.

Find some one else to share it with. Leave them to catch up.

I struggled for ten years to get pregnant and even though my friends kept having babies I was always happy for them. There is a weird notion on MN that you must hide your happiness of your pregnancy incase you upset some one. It’s not fair.

Enjoy OP and congratulations

@PurpleDaisies

Honestly people in “those spaces” dont just want to be pregnant.

They want a baby.

Well, being pregnant is a necessary precursor to having a baby. Most women on those threads aren’t pregnant and it’s supremely insensitive to be looking for support there in any way that can’t easily be avoided by those who want nothing to do with it.

@PurpleDaisies i think you missed my earlier post.

I was answering people who said you don’t need these infertility friends anymore.

Previously I had said keep your pregnancy symptoms excitement to none fertility friends.

And whilst i fully understand the biology on the same note. Being 9 weeks pregnant does not always result in having a baby. If OP sadly has to undergo further infertility treatment she will very much still want those friends who have shared her journey.

First of all, massive congratulations on your pregnancy.
However, perhaps think twice about telling your struggling friends about the intimate details of your pregnancy- you of all people must understand what it feels like to be falling behind in the pregnancy race. Cut your friends some slack and realise that while yes they will be happy for you, they will be jealous and unhappy that they aren't in your position.

I have read all of your posts @Somersetlady

I just didn't expect to go from sharing everything to sharing nothing.
But what is there to share? You apparently have some mild morning sickness. Why do you need to talk about that? Because regardless of the inconvenience to you that feeling "sicky" is it's still part of your enormously good news.

There is a weird notion on MN that you must hide your happiness of your pregnancy incase you upset some one.

Nobody has said this. They've just said that OP needs to be sensitive and mindful to the audience.

Maybe they have been trying for a long time and now you have had success on the first round, they are a bit upset and jealous?

OP I’ve been a bit in a similar position in that I was pregnant first out of my friends. They desperately wanted to be and actually I found myself feeling guilty that I had something they so desperately wanted.
I had a difficult pregnancy and birth but chose not to speak to them about it. It did change our dynamic.

However, I do acknowledge that it’s not about me, and just do my best not to talk about it.

Maybe they have been trying for a long time and now you have had success on the first round, they are a bit upset and jealous?

It would make no difference whether the op had been successful on her fourteenth attempt. She is pregnant. The friends aren’t.

OP congrats on your pregnancy.

Of course you are BU, but it is jarring when you “graduate” from infertility. We had a pregnancy after infertility thread on MN when I was pregnant with my first which was a great source of support. Perhaps start one of your own if there isn’t something similar?

OP, I feel for you a bit here, but as others have said, these are not the right people to talk to. I don't think it's "tedious" for you to talk about your pregnancy. I told friends very early on, and appreciated the support and advice - it's a massive thing happening in your life so you want to talk about it. You need to find a new audience, like the groups on MN, other friends and family.

They are happy for you. It's just that it feels like a stab to the heart everytime they think about yet another person being pregnant. They do wish the best for you and are glad you're pregnant, I have no doubt about that. But it's just so so hard for them to be around pregnancy. Give them a break, they'll come round.

I know you feel happy and you want to share it with the world, I really do understand. But the truth is OP... people who want the same thing will NOT be happy for you. Maybe only some people will try to be happy for others but even they will intermittently feel bitter and jealous.
I know I can’t compare my situation to yours because mine is about a job. I’ve been going through a career change after years of SAHM and at first (when I was at the bottom of the “chain” in a new place) everyone loved me and sympathised. When I managed to get a better position/hours within the same place, people turned away from me instantly and the toxicity destroyed the happiness I felt for my achievement. I naively thought nobody else wanted the position etc but it wasn’t like that at all. Keep your happiness to yourself and your closest family.

Congratulations. YANBU but may have to adjust expectations and hopefully the friendships will be fine with a bit of space. Personally I believe feelings can co exist and it should be possible to be happy for someone else but sad about your own circumstances. Our own difficulties shouldn’t stop us celebrating other people’s good news. A long time ago my closest friend got unexpectedly but happily pregnant. At the time I believed it was not going to happen for me. I was over the moon for her and really excited. At some point, I mentioned my own fears and she said that she realised that those fears would be looming large. A good friendship should be about the good and the bad.

Gosh I feel like a bit of a twat to be honest. I never intended to be mean or insensitive, and I wouldn't have told them had they have not asked. I didn't mean to be mean or insensitive, and I feel really upset I've come across that way. I've taken all advice on board and accept that IABU

@PrincessNutNutRoast

There is a weird notion on MN that you must hide your happiness of your pregnancy incase you upset some one.

Nobody has said this. They've just said that OP needs to be sensitive and mindful to the audience.

And not talk about her pregnancy - which her friends asked about.

There is even a post suggestion she might lose it so better hang on to those friends..

OP if your still on the thread - just go quiet on it now and wait for them to come to you. Speak to your other friends about it.

Your IVF friends might never get a positive result and that will probably mean the end of your friendship anyway if this is they way they are responding to you. Don’t let it take the shine of your good news

You are being incredibly insensitive. It took me 15 years to conceive and that was only when I met my new DP. Every Pregnancy announcement killed me, every comment of maybe you'll be next also destroyed me because I knew it was highly unlikely. It was my ex SIL falling pregnant and my ex husbands insensitivity by not fore warning me first before going for a family meal and me having to find out and trying to act happy when in reality I was dying inside that put huge problems in our marriage and we separated 3 days before the baby was born. He also refused to do IVF so that was another factor in our marriage ending. With my new DP I've fallen Pregnant 4 times but I have no live children. I can remember a couple of weeks after losing my 4th someone who I thought had supported me through it also went onto to gleefully tell me that another colleague was suffering from bad morning sickness. I didn't even know she was Pregnant. Then I was put down to work on a call with her. Trying to do the majority of the moving and handling whilst still in the process of miscarrying myself so the pregnant person was safe was one the shittiest things I've ever had to do. When faced with the decision of what the next step would be when my body still hasn't passed Baby 5 weeks later and when I said I didn't know if I could have a D&c because to me it would feel like I was binning my Baby. My other losses went down the toilet so for ages I felt awful about that. I was told by the same person that it wasn't even a baby that it was just blood and gunk they'd be scraping out and that I shouldn't even class it as my Baby because it never had a heartbeat and until it had a heartbeat it was never really mine. Was berated for posting a xmas message in memory of my little ones which made me feel shit all Xmas day last year. In the end I did was best for me and that was tablets so I could continue miscarrying at home. It also meant once I'd passed Baby I was able to bury him or her and keep them with me forever. I'm just over a year post last miscarriage but even now seeing Babies, being near someone who's pregnant or seeing a pregnancy announcement on Facebook rips me apart each time because I don't know if I'll ever fall Pregnant again and if I do carry to full term

Congratulations. You are not being unreasonable to be hurt, but I’m sure they will come around, I understand why they feel that way thought. However, YABU to be sharing pregnancy symptoms. There’s no need.

There's no need to wait for 12 weeks to tell others if you don't want to. That way you can tell others about your symptoms as I think expecting your infertile friends to put their feelings aside completely is a bit insensitive. Congratulations on your pregnancy.