To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

@dancingqueen34

In the nicest way possible OP you are feeling like you’ve been unreasonable because you have been. I am currently in the same position as you. Finally pregnant after fertility treatment and nearly 28 weeks. It is a wonderful time for you and you absolutely can share it with people and shouldn’t have to hide it but you need to be a lot more considerate with your friends from your fertility group. They will be happy for you but they will also have all their own feelings to deal with and probably won’t want to hear loads about your pregnancy as it’s just so painful. Although I congratulated people when they got pregnant it absolutely killed me inside and I couldn’t bear to hear any more about it to be completely honest. It was just so painful. I know it’s hard for you as you feel like you’ve lost a support network but you have to accept that for the foreseeable, that network is gone. Imagine you were them and try to show a little empathy and sensitivity. I know you have been used to sharing loads with them but you have to accept that they won’t want to hear about this. You feel like you’re on the other side of something because you are now. You’re pregnant and they’re not. That is huge. There will be lots of other people that you can share with and confide in but not them. Congratulations and good luck with your pregnancy OP and I hope it all works out well for you ❤️.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Hopeful and exciting news for 2021💐
You’re friend is probably finding it difficult to hear that you’re pregnant when she is only dreaming of feeling too sick to eat mince pies. Maybe a little empathy wouldn’t go amiss. She doesn’t need to hear your pregnancy symptoms.

YABVU and I say that as someone who also got pregnant on my first round of IVF. It’s understandable they feel the need to back off a bit, especially at this time of year.

@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping

As PP said it's easy to feel outcast of infertility spaces once you become pregnant

you don't belong there once you are pregnant, can't you see that!

You so do.

The OP does not yet have a live birth.
These people will be the best support network if this pregnancy sadly fails.

Is there another disease where you would expect still to have access to support spaces for people in the midst of treatment once you had been treated and cured? (Don’t jump on me -
I understand that successful fertility treatment doesn’t mean that you are ‘cured’ but it does mean that the treatment has achieved its aims).

Further to my comment, I should have added, you are being very insensitive to expect support with your pregnancy from people, who are having fertility issues. The mince pie comment may have been seen as gloating or performance pregnancy symptoms.

I can't imagine how awful this is for your friends, especially so close to Christmas. I've had miscarriages in the past and Christmas was always the most difficult time of year. I also think mentioning your sickness or "sickness (ugh)" just comes across as incredibly smug. I'm sure you didn't mean to but please be mindful of how they're feeling.
It would feel like I was being crucified every time I saw a pregnancy announcement on social media. It felt like just another reminder of what we didn't have.
I'm now 20 weeks and I haven't announced it and have no plans to do so. Close friends know but I wouldn't want to inflict that pain on anyone else.

@dancingqueen34

I know your right *@Gizlotsmum*. I suppose it just hurts a bit, but perhaps I'd be exactly the same.

They’re going through their own struggles and it will be hard for them to see others get pregnant when it’s their dream too.

You need to adjust your expectations, it’s like weddings, not everyone is going to be as happy about it as you are.

Be kinder to them, you don't have to shove it in their faces but that also goes for anything in life.

Their lives don’t have to affect yours at all.

Having been through fertility treatment twice and been to the depths of hell and back over it, I know what it is like.

After all you have been through you don't need to apologise to anyone. They will get their turn and now it is yours. Enjoy it.

I know you will be overjoyed but try not to talk to them about it. Talk to others. Keep supporting them along the lines of "it happened to us, it will happen for you". When they get pregnant you will have 2 other great allies to help you along your journey so for the moment keep it sweet between you all.

In the gentlest possible way, YABU. They are still facing the crushing possibility of never having a child. It is for you to be gracious, not them.

I think yabu. Friends just aren't that interested in the details of someones pregnancy, beyond an occasional how are you - and then they probabky only exlect you to say you are well!

You've done nothing wrong OP, but sadly these friends will, understandably, probably need some distance now. I'm sorry that it's hurting you but it's got to be hurting them more. It's not your fault, just sadly one of those things.

Oh my god I can't believe so many people on this thread have clauses to go with their friendships!! You shouldn't have to not mention things going on in your life if you're actually friends. Different if you're sole function is discussing this stuff but sounds like you think of them for more than that. Congratulations op, best of luck

Stay in touch with them but be tactful and don’t be surprised that the dynamic has changed.
You need a new outlet for your pregnancy and later new baby stuff. So sign up for any antenatal classes you can find and make new friends. If it is a bit early for this then see if there is an antenatal thread on here for people due in the same month as you.
They are still your friends but are no longer your ‘trying to conceive friends’. In time hopefully they will fall pregnant and have you there to share that with but they are not there yet.

I would look for support elsewhere. They can't switch off their emotions. They might be able to pretend for your sake but do you really want them to knowing it's incredibly hurtful for them? Don't you have any other friends to share pregnancy stuff with?

@Mdmd

Surely you’re an outcast from infertility spaces because youre pregnant?

I’m confused by that statement.

Honestly people in “those spaces” dont just want to be pregnant.

They want a baby.

Until you have a baby when you have lost many you are still very much in those “spaces”.

Sadly there are many women like me who will confirm this.

Congratulations on your pregnancy (hurrah!)
But yes you are being unreasonable
I had IVF and a long time prior to that thinking I might not have children. Every pregnancy of a friend also struggling was an agony. I even had to go away and cry when my brother told me he was having a second child. I lost a friend along the way as I was consumed with envy with the ease with which she got pregnant (she didn’t even want children!) and when I finally got pregnant my conception ‘buddy’ (we chatted to each other through out pregnancy attempts) stopped talking to me completely (until she finally became pregnant too).
Find other people to share your pregnancy news and excitement and let your friends come round to you in their own time.

Firstly congratulations. As a fellow ivf warrior I can see both sides if this. It’s great that it worked first time for you. But try to remember they are still in the midst of infertility hell and some people find it very hard to see past that. You are experiencing everything they are longing for. Check in with them to show you haven’t forgotten but don’t expect much back. I joined a Facebook group for pregnancy after ivf and it was great. I would suggest the same you will get lots of support from there. Good luck with your pregnancy

Cripes, there’s not a lot of love on this page. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope all goes well. Some people aren’t in your world forever, because dynamics or whatever change. It must be hard that they’re not pleased for you, but they’re not and that’s that, go and find new support.

@dancingqueen34

I have a lot of friends who I'd like to tell *@Palavah* - I don't think that's unreasonable. This has been a huge struggle for us and I'm not going to hide it once it's past the 12 week mark

You may feel like it’s been a huge struggle, but you got pregnant on your first attempt. Lots of people have three or more attempts before they succeed and some never do.

I think you’re being both insensitive and overly dramatic. You “can’t go on like this”. You’re only nine weeks pregnant. You must have rushed to tell them fairly quickly. And now you want to discuss your symptoms with them. People you know are struggling with infertility.

I know you think it’s all about you. But you need to have some empathy. If you need to talk about your symptoms there are many platforms for you to do this, and others who know, you don’t need to discuss it with those that are dealing with infertility.

Honestly people in “those spaces” dont just want to be pregnant.

They want a baby.

Well, being pregnant is a necessary precursor to having a baby. Most women on those threads aren’t pregnant and it’s supremely insensitive to be looking for support there in any way that can’t easily be avoided by those who want nothing to do with it.

Just try and put yourself in their position. Of course you being pregnant gives them hope that it might happen for them too but they will also be massively envious of you.

I used to be part of various threads on here where lots of women were trying to get pregnant after adversity. It was always exceptionally difficult when someone announced a BFP and then I got my period. I was both delighted and devastated. It’s just a cruel business. I likened it to snakes and ladders. Sometimes someone was climbing a ladder whilst you were sliding down a snake, only for them to slide down the snake weeks later while I was busy climbing a ladder.

Sorry OP but you do sound like a bit of an insensitive twat. Having sat in the waiting rooms of fertility clinics more times then I care to remember overhearing the cries of disappointment, seeing the gaunt faces of couples who have maxed out credit cards or remortgaged the house to pay for the latest cycles and yes, experienced the pang of envy when somone from your cycle group has had a positive outcome you should show a bit more empathy and understanding. It's a really shit feeling when you know your odds of success are low and you sense you are being left behind. Of course you are happy for couples who become pregnant but that does not mean we want to discuss the minute of their journey. Its like salt in an open wound. Congrats on your pregnancy but you seem to utterly lacking in self awareness.