To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Congratulations on your pregnancy. If you’ve only just found out then calm down a bit and let them have a chance for it to sink in. And you must realise it’s profoundly insensitive to complain about symptoms when these other women world no doubt chew their own arms off to feel like that.

Of course you’re happy but try and find a bit of empathy as well. You felt sick, that’s because you’re pregnant, which is what you wanted. If you need to moan please do it to your husband, or anyone else rather than the people who so desperately want your problems.

I agree with this.

You don't seem to be considering them at all. Why would their pain and sorrow instantly evaporate just so they can be your cheerleaders?

I have a lot of friends who I'd like to tell @Palavah - I don't think that's unreasonable. This has been a huge struggle for us and I'm not going to hide it once it's past the 12 week mark

@dancingqueen34

Thanks all. I feared I was being unreasonable but didn't really feel like it.

I will add that the only time I mentioned symptoms was when I was offered a mince pie and I said 'no thanks, I'm feeling a bit sicky' - so I'm really not in their face about it

In which case, why are you annoyed that they ignored it? Were they supposed to take it as a cue to start talking about your morning sickness, what more were they supposed to say about it? I don't see why you couldn't have just said no thank you. And if they're offering you mince pies, they are still in pretty close contact with you...?

Why say you felt sick though? (And “sicky”? That would get right on my nerves even if I didn’t have fertility trouble). Just say no thanks.

I think YAB a bit U, there’s no need to be telling them about your pregnancy symptoms and expecting them to be into talking about it, also if you still have 8 months to go it doesn’t sound like you have given them much time to get their heads around it so I think worrying about having to ditch the friendships because you ‘can’t go on like this’ is potentially a bit premature. If they were still being this way several months in I’d understand a bit more. Also it’s Christmas which must make it even harder to be struggling with fertility problems. I think you need to be patient and allow them more time and space, maybe tell a different friend about your pregnancy so you have someone else to talk to about symptoms etc. Hopefully theyl come round.

@dancingqueen34

I have a lot of friends who I'd like to tell *@Palavah* - I don't think that's unreasonable. This has been a huge struggle for us and I'm not going to hide it once it's past the 12 week mark

Eh, and nor should you, or there'll be quite a surprise for people in 31 weeks' time. But there's a place between hiding your pregnancy from everyone and not bringing it up unnecessarily with people struggling with infertility and complaining that they don't talk about it enough with you.

Surely you realise that.

You're right @PrincessNutNutRoast - I think I'm just finding it hard that I can't talk about it with some of the only people who know about it.

It's clear that my expectations are too high and I think PP was right about joining some kind of group where I'm in the same lane as others.

There's nothing wrong with telling people, I just didn't understand why you thought that would be an issue? You can tell all the friends you want to tell directly. You dont need a post on SM that your IVF friends will see pop up.

YABU.

You want them to acknowledge and talk about your pregnancy (as evidenced by the fact you're put out the ignored your mince pie comment, when it didn't warrant any further discussion in reality) and they don't want to do so because it's painful. I think it's a bit cruel of you to expect a response from them.

FWIW, even from a the perspective of someone without fertility issues, discussing someone else's pregnancy is deeply tedious.

The boards here often have pregnancy threads that splinter off into social media groups etc, maybe look at joining one of those. I don't think they are being nasty, but as happy as they probably are for you it's not that simple is it, it's a complex range of emotions when struggling with fertility, and in honesty they probably don't want to hear about it at the moment.

@dancingqueen34

You're right *@PrincessNutNutRoast* - I think I'm just finding it hard that I can't talk about it with some of the only people who know about it.

It's clear that my expectations are too high and I think PP was right about joining some kind of group where I'm in the same lane as others.

Your husband/partner must know about it too...?

I agree, find a pregnancy group and do your sharing there. If you plan to mention it on social media, you're not obliged to edit the privacy so your friends with infertility don't see it, but it would behoove you.

Yeah, a simple “no thanks” would have been fine. “Sicky” is grim and I don’t know what you expected anyone to say to that?

You’ve got the one thing they want. They will be pleased for you but so sad for themselves. Put yourself in their shoes.

You’ve got the one thing they want. They will be pleased for you but so sad for themselves. Put yourself in their shoes.

I’ve been on both sides of this and what they’re going through is just horrendous. I always felt like my pregnant friends had passed through some sort of doorway, or crossed over a river and left me waiting on the shore. It’s an incredibly lonely place, especially once all the friends you had who were going through treatment at the same time have succeeded and you are still waiting in no man’s land.

If you have only told these friends about your pregnancy then maybe find a good friend who already had children to tell. You can confide in them all about the horrors of morning sickness and the fear of scans etc. Or join a message board and talk with a group of women going through the same thing. I get it, you want to be able to talk about your pregnancy and all the amazing and weird changes your body is going through right now, especially at the moment when you can’t really see people. But these women are not the right audience for that, it is cruel to expect them to be.

1. Congrats.

1. I'd join a pregnancy support group. I don't think they're the people you should try to get sympathy from when they're struggling and probably can't help but feel jealous.

Well I think the consensus is clear! I'll give said friends some space and lean on my partner more. As PP said it's easy to feel outcast of infertility spaces once you become pregnant, I just didn't expect to go from sharing everything to sharing nothing.

I appreciate your comments even if they've made me feel like I've been an unreasonable tool 😂

I'm sorry OP but I feel you've been incredibly tactless and your friends have been left feeling hurt by your actions.

You are pregnant and that is wonderful but they are not. Do the decent thing and quietly get on with your own pregnancy now. IVF or not, no one else really gives a shit about others' pregnancies and many of us find all the SM announcements, gender reval crap and baby showers utterly crass, throw in not being able to concieve on top and its going to be horrendous for them. You said they are close friends, so if this is true think of their wellbeing and try to be kind as I am sure they will once they have had time to get to grips with their conflicting emotions.

You say "because I've got pregnant first" which just shows how absolutely insensitive you are. Because your friends are not necessarily going to be second, third, or ever.

Most people don’t tell anyone really other than their partner for the first twelve weeks. I get that you are extremely excited and this has been a long difficult journey but really at this point he should be the one that you talk to about it. No one else.

And definitely not friends with fertility problems.

Although you my not BU your friends are struggling with something so emotionally draining (as you know) it is probably impossible for them to be anything other than the way they are.

Even seeing pregnant women in the street was difficult for me when doing thro similar so I think you need to just accept this is how your relationship needs to be for now.

Hopefully they will also achieve a pregnancy and you’ll come together again but it may not happen and you’ll find yourself slowly separating.

I know this cos have been netherworld sadly. I have one friend who used to be so close and now I know through her partner that she just finds being around children so difficult she doesn’t want to be with us.

I hope one el mine are less dependent we can reconnect but my thoughts are that I’ll do what she needs.

You sound very insensitive if you can't see what the problem is. You need to take a step back from these people and considerate their feelings. It seems to be all about you.

Other people getting pregnant doesn’t give you hope. It just reminds you that you’re not.

As PP said it's easy to feel outcast of infertility spaces once you become pregnant

If you start feeling sorry for yourself, try and remember what it’s like still being in those spaces.

Don’t take it personally. I had a miscarriage which was horrible and a work friend of mine announced she was pregnant with a due date just a few days away from what mine would have been. I didn’t talk to her much for a while. Nothing personal, you do what you need to do to cope.

YABU.

This is a time when you need to lean on other friends or family. It's not a time to expect loads of congratulations from friends struggling with infertility.

My best friend has struggled. She's barely asked anything about my pregnancy and I'm 29 weeks and have been really ill throughout. I don't mind, I moan to my mum and other friends and family. I talk to my friend about other things.