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AIBU?

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Original poster

Secondhand jumper from SiL

225 replies

Propercrimbo2020 · 26/12/2020 00:01

So, have been married for 6 years, been with OH for 12 years, always got on with SiL, her and her OH have very good jobs (i.e. money isn’t the problem).

Present opened this morning (which was sent as they’re not local to us), ‘oh lovely’ I thought, but too small.
Looked online to see if I could contact the company direct to get a bigger size (2 sizes bigger....!) as I didn’t want to say ‘oh I like the jumper but it’s way too small’ and have to send it back to her to exchange to send back, and couldn’t find the jumper online.
Had another look at the jumper to see if there was anything to help me find it, and noticed small balls inside (you get when the jumper has been washed), a small mark on the sleeve, and also ‘been washed’ balls under the armpits (outside).

This is a second hand jumper that she’s sent to me as a Christmas present.....

OH got gin, child got a couple of (new) presents.

Am I being unreasonable feeling a bit Confused by this?

As I mentioned above, her and her husband have not got any money issues, both have very well paid jobs (that have not been effected by Covid) and we’ve always got on well.

I just feel a bit upset she’s done this, and don’t want to say anything as I’d probably end up the bad guy, but also really confused why she did?!

OP posts:
errorofjudgement · 26/12/2020 14:48

Is it possible that she has bought it as a new jumper and the shop have sold her a returned item - so ordered online, received and then wrapped for Xmas without your SIL checking it carefully?

NataliaOsipova · 26/12/2020 14:57

Could if have been a mistake? For example, if I said to my DH “please could you wrap that jumper for SIL?”, I could very easily envisage a situation where he wrapped up one of mine without realising!

emilybrontescorsett · 26/12/2020 17:11

How can it be a mistake?
Seriously. You must be a bit, ok very, thick to wrap up a used jumper thinking that is what your oh meant. I mean it’s like asking them to wrap a gift set/toiletries and your oh grabbing a handful of crap off the bathroom shelf and wrapping that.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 17:12

@emilybrontescorsett

How can it be a mistake? Seriously. You must be a bit, ok very, thick to wrap up a used jumper thinking that is what your oh meant. I mean it’s like asking them to wrap a gift set/toiletries and your oh grabbing a handful of crap off the bathroom shelf and wrapping that.
This made me laugh - although actually I had an ex who was probably thick enough to do something like that!
Wanderdust · 26/12/2020 17:21

You're not being unreasonable, my SIL got me an awful gift this year that's completely uninteresting to me (related to gardening but I don't garden). I spent quite a bit on them as usual, this is the last year I'm bothering!!

Andylion · 26/12/2020 17:25

I’ve received a second hand present this year (used wallet) and, although I’ll be called “precious” and “not environmentally friendly”, I do feel a bit insulted. Again, it’s a decent brand but came in a box that was quite tatty and was obviously quite scratched and manhandled, had several scratches on, and when I opened the wallet it’s quite manhandled with marks on the inside and although it was at some point lovely it just feels a bit manky. The going rate for it in Charity Shops is about fiver. I suspect it’s been doing the rounds for a couple of years. I’m grateful the charity will have received a donation. It’s a work colleague and friend so unfortunately I feel obliged to be seen to use it, otherwise I would have donated it again.

@EleanorOalike You have have already thanked her. I don't think you need to use it. I assume the giver knew it was tatty. If you don't use it, do you think she will actually ask you about it the manky present? I think a wallet is very personal in that we all require different types, some like a huge one, etc. If she does ask about it just say you need a bigger or smaller one.

rosiejaune · 26/12/2020 17:33

I think secondhand presents (and fewer presents, and handmade presents) should become normalised, regardless of how much money the giver or recipient do or don't have.

However, it should at least be suitable. Maybe she just isn't very good at judging sizes.

I would post on a local group, or find a friend who has something they don't want and you do, and swap it. And be honest about that with her if she mentions the jumper; tell her it was too small so you swapped it with someone else.

EleanorOalike · 26/12/2020 17:58

@Andylion

I’ve received a second hand present this year (used wallet) and, although I’ll be called “precious” and “not environmentally friendly”, I do feel a bit insulted. Again, it’s a decent brand but came in a box that was quite tatty and was obviously quite scratched and manhandled, had several scratches on, and when I opened the wallet it’s quite manhandled with marks on the inside and although it was at some point lovely it just feels a bit manky. The going rate for it in Charity Shops is about fiver. I suspect it’s been doing the rounds for a couple of years. I’m grateful the charity will have received a donation. It’s a work colleague and friend so unfortunately I feel obliged to be seen to use it, otherwise I would have donated it again.

@EleanorOalike You have have already thanked her. I don't think you need to use it. I assume the giver knew it was tatty. If you don't use it, do you think she will actually ask you about it the manky present? I think a wallet is very personal in that we all require different types, some like a huge one, etc. If she does ask about it just say you need a bigger or smaller one.

He really wants me to use it, He’s told me! It’s the same size as a wallet I always take to work so he’ll know that I’m lying if I say it was the wrong size. He’s usually great at gifts but this year he must have went on a mission to buy everything at charity shops and he didn’t “do” gift wrap this year either (wrapped things in scarves/materials etc) so I think it was an eco thing. Other people fared worse that I did, as he got them knitted items and soft toys for the kids that he got from the charity shop (the labels were on everything but the price was marker penned out) and they all got binned straight away. They looked and smelled really bad and looked like they were from the late 80s/early 90s. They definitely weren’t novelty gifts either - he was excited and had really good intentions. I think he didn’t realise just how offended some people would be. With the Covid situation as well and the fact they looked well handled and dirty, some people didn’t even bring them home. Another friend who is a really lovely, non precious person, really freaked out and told her DH to take it all straight to the bin with gloves on. I think she was really hurt and felt insulted too as she’d bought him a lovely and obviously new gift back.
NataliaOsipova · 26/12/2020 18:33

You must be a bit, ok very, thick to wrap up a used jumper thinking that is what your oh meant.

@emilybrontescorsett I take your point, but this is exactly the sort of thing my DH would do. Seriously. One year, he was moaning about his office Secret Santa, which his secretary Julie was organising. I said I’d get him something for it. I did, wrapped it up (I know, I know 🤣) and gave it to him as he was going out on the Monday morning. “There’s your Secret Santa”, I said, “give that to Julie”.

Of course - he does give it to Julie...but fails to tell her it’s his contribution for the Secret Santa. Fails to write on the name of the person it’s for....or even to ask Julie to do so. No - he absentmindedly hands it to Julie, saying, “Oh - Natalia asked me to give you this.” Cue a very polite, but somewhat surprised email from Julie, thanking me for her Christmas present 😂.

I can easily see my DH wrapping up one of my jumpers for someone else. Possibly even his dad or his brother, honestly.....😂

Andylion · 26/12/2020 20:31

He really wants me to use it,
He’s told me! It’s the same size as a wallet I always take to work so he’ll know that I’m lying if I say it was the wrong size. He’s usually great at gifts but this year he must have went on a mission to buy everything at charity shops and he didn’t “do” gift wrap this year either (wrapped things in scarves/materials etc) so I think it was an eco thing. Other people fared worse that I did, as he got them knitted items and soft toys for the kids that he got from the charity shop (the labels were on everything but the price was marker penned out) and they all got binned straight away. They looked and smelled really bad and looked like they were from the late 80s/early 90s. They definitely weren’t novelty gifts either - he was excited and had really good intentions. I think he didn’t realise just how offended some people would be. With the Covid situation as well and the fact they looked well handled and dirty, some people didn’t even bring them home. Another friend who is a really lovely, non precious person, really freaked out and told her DH to take it all straight to the bin with gloves on. I think she was really hurt and felt insulted too as she’d bought him a lovely and obviously new gift back.

Do you even need a new wallet? If he asks why you aren't using it, just say you are saving it for when your current one falls apart. Seriously, you are not obligated to use it.

Lillyhatesjaz · 27/12/2020 00:19

Is it possible that the jumper was given to her and was too small but she thought it would be OK for you as you are smaller and she didn't realise it was second hand

Iziz · 27/12/2020 17:53

Don’t do or say anything it’s another sh** present we all get them say nothing and gift accordingly next time , discussing this would be pity .

LoisLane66 · 27/12/2020 18:16

Does it have a 'new' smell or a 'used' smell or even a fabric conditioner smell which woul tell you if it's been laundered? Pilling (the bobbles) shows that it's been worn and probably more than once.

cherish123 · 27/12/2020 18:27

I once got recycled cashmere gloves. 🙄🤨I really don't want to wear something that has been against someone else's armpits!.😆

purplebunny2012 · 27/12/2020 18:31

YABU because I would have just said right out that it's lovely but too small. What's embarrassing about that?

MazAds · 27/12/2020 18:32

@Yukay

She’s always got me great gifts in the past, nothing expensive but nice ‘thought about’ gifts She normally gets you great gifts, it's been a crazy year, she probably forgot to pick something up and didn't realise and had a last minute panic. Just give it to a charity shop and forget about it, no need to make a big fuss when she's normally a good gift giver.
I agree, but if it happens again then maybe consider doing something then..?
Jeeperscreepers69 · 27/12/2020 18:40

Text and just ask for receipt to return as its tiny

Poopoopoo · 27/12/2020 18:45

Oh well, give her a break, she tried. Nothing wrong with second hand, just pass it on to someone it will fit.

Passenger42 · 27/12/2020 19:03

I think your being an arse to moan about a jumper and it ifs second hand. Not everyone has had access to shops this year and maybe she thought you would like it. If the receipt wasn’t enclosed then I think it’s cheeky to ask for it, especially if you can’t see it online. Just donate it if you don’t like it.

Haworthia · 27/12/2020 19:04

My SIL regifted a toy to my DS. It had clearly been purchased for her own son, but not given to him for some reason (the Amazon label dated two years previously confirmed that). Opened the box and the toy was broken; smashed in transit.

We didn’t say anything and just binned it.

Looking back I wish we had. She has form for being a) tight and b) a consummate regifter.

Almostslimjim · 27/12/2020 19:21

Haworthia

What's wrong with regifting? Ok, so a broken gift is crap but a good condition or new one? I really don't see the issue.

Purpl · 27/12/2020 19:24

Maybe she couldn’t get to the shops in time before lockdown and therefore just found yiy something ? If it’s not the norm just let it go.

AliceMcK · 27/12/2020 19:26

Why would it be awkward for you any way? I’d say I absolutely love it but it’s way to small, did she get a gift receipt to change it. No awkwardness at all, well there maybe on her part...

Whatisthis543 · 27/12/2020 19:34

@Propercrimbo2020 As she normally buys you nice and thoughtful gifts maybe you’re not getting the full picture here.

Maybe she is struggling financially in (a not public and unknown way) or even just with her mental health? What I mean by that is that I bought some lovely cards and ingredients to bake a cake for my neighbours but I’ve just felt so low over Christmas that I couldn’t do it and now feel awful that I did nothing. As I won’t tell them I’ve struggled this season I don’t think they would guess and could see it as selfish.

I could be totally off the mark of course, but given she is usually so considerate it seems odd 💐

UsernameSpoosername · 27/12/2020 19:36

Did it not have tags on I take it? Because if you buy something new to give as a present you don’t take the tags off do you... incase it needs to be returned!