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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secondhand jumper from SiL

225 replies

Propercrimbo2020 · 26/12/2020 00:01

So, have been married for 6 years, been with OH for 12 years, always got on with SiL, her and her OH have very good jobs (i.e. money isn’t the problem).

Present opened this morning (which was sent as they’re not local to us), ‘oh lovely’ I thought, but too small.
Looked online to see if I could contact the company direct to get a bigger size (2 sizes bigger....!) as I didn’t want to say ‘oh I like the jumper but it’s way too small’ and have to send it back to her to exchange to send back, and couldn’t find the jumper online.
Had another look at the jumper to see if there was anything to help me find it, and noticed small balls inside (you get when the jumper has been washed), a small mark on the sleeve, and also ‘been washed’ balls under the armpits (outside).

This is a second hand jumper that she’s sent to me as a Christmas present.....

OH got gin, child got a couple of (new) presents.

Am I being unreasonable feeling a bit Confused by this?

As I mentioned above, her and her husband have not got any money issues, both have very well paid jobs (that have not been effected by Covid) and we’ve always got on well.

I just feel a bit upset she’s done this, and don’t want to say anything as I’d probably end up the bad guy, but also really confused why she did?!

OP posts:
coldwaterfeed · 26/12/2020 11:24

OP, why do you feel awkward about asking for the receipt? You would have done this if it was new so n harm in doing it now.

Divebar · 26/12/2020 11:26

I generally think there’s way too much present buying going on which seems to feed the market for cheap tat. Generally though I think a second hand item would be fine if everybody was aware and on-board with the idea. My mother would be horrified at the prospect of second hand but I can see some families really getting into the swing of that kind of challenge. Clothes are always problematic and the prospect of this jumper not fitting could have easily been anticipated.

julieandertoninthewarehouse · 26/12/2020 11:26

I'd find this a bit odd, but wouldn't say anything personally. You've said this has never happened before so it doesn't sound like she's deliberately given you something you can't use. I'd just put it down to another random happening of 2020 and forget about it!

TreacleHart · 26/12/2020 11:26

You say you'll let it go. But can you really ?
It irked enough to put a post on here. If you can 100% say it can be put out of your mind and even when you think about / see them it will not be a thought in your head. Fine.
If not I think you need to ask for the receipt and see what she says, even if you both laugh it off at least you won't always have a niggle in your mind.

An0n0n0n · 26/12/2020 11:28

If you get on well why would you make her feel awkward, that's a horrible thing to do.

Some people are trying to do better by the planet, may have debt or my have just thought it was a nice jumper. It doesn't matter how much or where it came from, its not a slight on you. And if it is then you need to take that up with her or leave it, not squabble about a second hand jumper

Cam2020 · 26/12/2020 11:29

I wouldn't, it was a gift. If people want you to be able to return it, they usually inide a gift receipt or say 'let me know if you want the receipt'. Delving into it might open up a cam of worms and possibly embarrassment. Accept it with the spirit with which it was given and charity shop it IMO.

Sexnotgender · 26/12/2020 11:30

I’m totally ok with second hand. I’ve bought my teenager a second hand T-shirt for her Christmas. It’s her absolute favourite, she’s worn it to the point of holes in it so managed to find another on eBay. My toddler got second hand gifts for Christmas.

The only issue here is the size. That’s unfortunate. Giving a small to someone who wears a large is very thoughtless.

BiscuitDrama · 26/12/2020 11:34

There’s no point in asking for a receipt though, is there? She’ll just say she can find it and then things are a bit awkward.
It’s either - leave it and don’t say anything or

  • point out that it’s second hand in which case you may get a replacement gift, but probably won’t and things will be awkward
coldwaterfeed · 26/12/2020 11:36

Asking for a receipt and saying it's too small forces SIL to acknowledge that she did a shitty thing, even if only to herself.

Winniewonka · 26/12/2020 11:39

I reckon it's one of hers that she's maybe only worn a couple of times. Why she's sent as a gift if she normally is thoughtful is a mystery but I think you're right to let it go this time.
If it happens again for your birthday/ next Christmas then I would definitely ask for the receipt.

ProudAuntie76 · 26/12/2020 11:41

If you’ve given a gift that’s made the receiver feel awkward (second hand and in a size two sizes too small that OP hasn’t been for the biggest part of a decade) then surely that means you should be prepared to deal with the awkwardness of the situation you put that person in?

This wasn’t a gift, it was an insult.

OP explain you love it and want to wear it but it’s too small, please would it be possible to exchange?

What’s the point of not saying anything when she might get another two sizes too small charity shop “find” that OP has to deal with next year?

ssd · 26/12/2020 11:43

Ask her if theres a gift recipe with it

Maves · 26/12/2020 11:48

Omg why do you even care people with money are tight you should know that, it's not your sister just suck it up give it to charity or something.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 26/12/2020 11:53

I don’t really know what you want from this thread if you’re adamant you’re not going to ask her for the receipt?

aeiouaeiouaeiou · 26/12/2020 11:57

Why don't you say you love the jumper but could she exchange it for your size?

Boomclaps · 26/12/2020 12:02

@Bikingbear

Is it her size?

I suspect that its been given in error however I'd either ask for the receipt (thanks but wrong size) or ask 'SIL is this the gift I was met to get, it's too small and the tags missing'

Yeah I wonder if this is the case- my mum once told me to “wrap that jumper for your granddad” and I wrapped my sisters school uniform- thought it was weird but didn’t question it 😂🤦‍♀️
DBML · 26/12/2020 12:11

Say nothing op. Just thank everyone for your gifts as you normally would and leave it.

There could be numerous reasons why this has happened. You say that they both have good jobs and plenty of money, but that’s impossible to know for sure.
DH and I both have good jobs, we are not high earners, but together we make around £100,000 a year. However we have a very big mortgage, car payments, clubs for DS, bills etc and whilst we aren’t struggling either, we are not rolling in it. Christmas still always feels expensive. My one BIL tells everyone we are loaded and that we do nothing to help the family. He has in the past asked us to “lend” him £2000; £500; £1600 and each time we say no. Not least because we will never get it back and can’t afford to give away that type of money. So while this is completely irrelevant, hopefully it will at least make you think that even people with great jobs, nice homes, nice cars etc can feel the pinch, especially this year and it may be that she wanted to give you something nice, but couldn’t afford to splurge this year.

Anyway, as I say, I’d leave it and if you feel really aggrieved then next year pare down what you buy for them.

Merry Christmas.

Bikingbear · 26/12/2020 12:12

Boomclaps that's exactly the sort of mistake I'm thinking.
We successfully mixed up the labels on our nephews gifts this year. Older brother wasn't impressed with a baby toy.

emilybrontescorsett · 26/12/2020 12:13

Bloody hell this is so wrong. I've bought my adult dcs clothes but you always leave the label on and keep the receipt, and I only ever but clothes that they specifically ask for, this includes them sending me the actual link to the item and telling me the size. Who the hell gives someone a second hand, dirty item of clothing?

RickiTarr · 26/12/2020 12:13

@coldwaterfeed

OP, why do you feel awkward about asking for the receipt? You would have done this if it was new so n harm in doing it now.
Why is anyone entitled to anything when it’s a gift, though?

The whole tone of the thread is that OP is entitled to a brand new present and entitled to the receipt and should demand it. Which isn’t really in the spirit of either gift giving or Christmas.

coldwaterfeed · 26/12/2020 12:19

@RickiTarr it's not entitled to ASK for a receipt so you can exchange a jumper for a bigger size, that's why gift receipts exist. No one has said OP should DEMAND a receipt.

I think this could set a pattern of OP getting SIL a thougtful gift every year and getting used clothes that don't fit OP, better to make the point now.

Tal45 · 26/12/2020 12:20

If she normally gets you nice thoughtful gifts and you get on well then I don't think I'd call her out on this. She might have a genuine reason for giving it to you and I don't think I'd embarrass her over it.

RickiTarr · 26/12/2020 12:24

@coldwaterfeed I wasn’t using the word “entitled” in that sense.

Original poster
Propercrimbo2020 · 26/12/2020 12:24

If the jumper fit I wouldn’t have even posted, it’s that it doesn’t, I can’t wear it. If it was my size I would have worn it. It’s a nice jumper.
I’m just saying I was confused why she did it, it wasn’t like her, and I was putting my thoughts on here and just seeing what people thought.

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 26/12/2020 12:27

I'd ask for a gift receipt. It won't get you anywhere but she might think twice next time.