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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secondhand jumper from SiL

225 replies

Propercrimbo2020 · 26/12/2020 00:01

So, have been married for 6 years, been with OH for 12 years, always got on with SiL, her and her OH have very good jobs (i.e. money isn’t the problem).

Present opened this morning (which was sent as they’re not local to us), ‘oh lovely’ I thought, but too small.
Looked online to see if I could contact the company direct to get a bigger size (2 sizes bigger....!) as I didn’t want to say ‘oh I like the jumper but it’s way too small’ and have to send it back to her to exchange to send back, and couldn’t find the jumper online.
Had another look at the jumper to see if there was anything to help me find it, and noticed small balls inside (you get when the jumper has been washed), a small mark on the sleeve, and also ‘been washed’ balls under the armpits (outside).

This is a second hand jumper that she’s sent to me as a Christmas present.....

OH got gin, child got a couple of (new) presents.

Am I being unreasonable feeling a bit Confused by this?

As I mentioned above, her and her husband have not got any money issues, both have very well paid jobs (that have not been effected by Covid) and we’ve always got on well.

I just feel a bit upset she’s done this, and don’t want to say anything as I’d probably end up the bad guy, but also really confused why she did?!

OP posts:
RickiTarr · 26/12/2020 12:29

@Propercrimbo2020

If the jumper fit I wouldn’t have even posted, it’s that it doesn’t, I can’t wear it. If it was my size I would have worn it. It’s a nice jumper. I’m just saying I was confused why she did it, it wasn’t like her, and I was putting my thoughts on here and just seeing what people thought.
My best guess would be that she misplaced the present she bought for you and had to hunt around her house for a replacement at the last minute.

Either that or it’s vintage and she misjudged the size.

I wouldn’t hold it against her or assume ill intent if she is normally lovely.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/12/2020 12:34

"Who the hell gives someone a second hand, dirty item of clothing?"

Who said it was dirty?

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/12/2020 12:47

If you buy clothes and don't ask the size first then you have no right to be pissed off that someone explains politely it doesn't fit and asks for the receipt.

I've always enclosed a gift receipt with any clothing gifts.

But my friends also know that if they don't wanna do gifts then they can say , in fact we have done this as going from 1 kid to 2 it then all just gets expensive so we agreed not to.

Same with family too tbh. My experience is people are often relieved to break the cycle of having to keep buying things.

So just ask. You surely expect that when you having checked sizing and bought clothing?

It may seem the "polite " thing not to but what happens next year when she gets you a t shirt in the same size. Then someone asks them what size they got so they then start buying stuff in the wrong size?

How much money do you let people waste befire you speak.up?

WhereToMissToTheStars · 26/12/2020 12:47

I would never ask the giver to exchange it or return it.
I always say how much I like it and resell it on eBay.
That way I got a money and can buy something I really want.

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/12/2020 12:48

Oh and nothing wrong with second hand stuff. I love a bargain

VenusTiger · 26/12/2020 12:49

@Propercrimbo2020 does the jumper have tags on? If not, then she'll know you know and in that case maybe leave it - if it does have tags on then tell her you love it and want to be able to wear it - I don't see that as rude or making a fuss in the least. In fact, ignoring the fact it doesn't fit and not bothering with it is rude imo.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 12:49

@WhereToMissToTheStars

I would never ask the giver to exchange it or return it. I always say how much I like it and resell it on eBay. That way I got a money and can buy something I really want.
Wait so if they gave you a lovely jumper in the wromg size instead of politely asking for a gift receipt (which most people include anyway) you'd sell it a loss?

I agree though of it was something that just wasn't my taste I'd just donate it rather than tell the giver.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2020 12:54

Is the jumper her size OP?

You normally get on.

Weird.

If she forgot, she could have got a voucher and emailed it. It would have been less tacky than this. Nothing wrong with second hand but this isn't in good condition!

mummyh2016 · 26/12/2020 12:59

Hang on, if I couldn't find a present I wouldn't wrap something up of mine knowing it would be the wrong size, what a waste of time! I'd either lie and blame it on Royal Mail (which I was going to have to truthfully do when an ordered gift didn't arrive until xmas eve) or I'd pop to a shop and grab a gift card (available at all supermarkets) or a bottle of wine/spirits. Just ask her for the receipt or if she can return it for a larger size. There's only MN where people would expect you to keep quiet about this.

velourvoyageur · 26/12/2020 13:05

You know it's secondhand, she knows you know, so it'd be really obvious that you're trying to make a point if you ask for the receipt! Backing her into a corner until she admits her terrible crime (as some people are suggesting you try to do) is just going to cause friction.

More and more govts and prominent figures are declaring a climate emergency, so giving secondhand is probably something we should consider doing more of, to be fair.

Callipygion · 26/12/2020 13:06

“Dear SIL, thank you for the jumper, I love it! I’m really flattered you think I’m a size 8 but I’m actually a 12, and unfortunately it’s much too small for me. Please could I ask you to return it and get the bigger size, or if you let me have the receipt I’d be happy to do it myself”

velourvoyageur · 26/12/2020 13:13

It would be dishonest to ask for the receipt when you know there is none. I don't get why people keep urging OP to do this. The only reason OP would ask would be to try and teach her a lesson which poor SIL doesn't deserve as she's done nothing wrong.

emilybrontescorsett · 26/12/2020 13:21

If you don't want to/can't afford to buy presents then say so. Don't just wrap some random crap from your house up and try and pass that on. Nothing wrong in buying second hand for yourself but it's not on trying to gift it to someone else to without prior agreement.

FirstOfficerDouglas · 26/12/2020 13:23

Stop giving gifts as adults - it is so stupid. What a waste of everyone's time and money.

Say nothing except "thank you" and do whatever you see fit with the jumper. What you gave may have been equally unwanted.

Just stop next year.

ProudAuntie76 · 26/12/2020 13:36

@emilybrontescorsett

If you don't want to/can't afford to buy presents then say so. Don't just wrap some random crap from your house up and try and pass that on. Nothing wrong in buying second hand for yourself but it's not on trying to gift it to someone else to without prior agreement.
Absolutely this!

Fine to buy second hand for yourself and your own kids if that’s what you are passionate about but unsolicited second hand gifts (especially ones that don’t fit/can’t be exchanged) are not ok unless agreed beforehand. There are many people who would be upset and insulted by second hand gifts and would prefer not to receive any gift than one that’s already been worn/used. Those people are not all “precious”. Some of the poorest families I know (from working in schools and for family charities) and my elderly mother’s generation would find this embarrassing and would think this meant the buyer had thought they were so hard up that they needed to be given second hand clothes as gifts. A lot of people who have had no choice but to rely on donated clothes their whole lives or to buy from the cheaper charity shops are embarrassed by this and don’t need a reminder of their poverty at Christmas. Even some middle class adults who were middle or youngest kids who grew up always wearing hand me downs would find this a sore point and a reminder of the fact that they never got any new clothes as kids. Even when charity shop/hand me downs are given in an altruistic “let’s save the planet AND give to charity Grin”
way, it’s far more about making the giver feel
better than the receiver. It’s better just not to bother. Or to at least check before hand.

Nowaynothappening · 26/12/2020 13:51

My MIL usually always buys everything second hand for all of us. It’s not a money issue, she just really loves charity shops so anything she sees she will buy and keep aside for Christmas. We usually get sacks of absolute crap, just nothing she’s put much thought into- shoes too small or just not anything we’d wear, books I really wouldn’t read, dirty toys with pieces missing etc. Was so happy she just sent money this year thanks to covid, saved us our annual trip to the tip...

I do think it’s a bit cheeky to buy someone something that’s obviously second hand unless it’s something vintage like a collectible. I’m guessing she forgot to get you something so picked it out of her wardrobe. It’s a poor show.

Bikingbear · 26/12/2020 14:02

I’m guessing she forgot to get you something so picked it out of her wardrobe. It’s a poor show

Surely if you'd forgotten someone you'd nip to the corner shop and buy a bottle of booze or wine and chocolates.

I did suggest asking for receipt but that's probably not the best way to do it. I'd want to open up conversation but I don't really know how, I think it's most likely been a genuine mistake.

So I guess the options are, "Thanks but it's too small can you exchange it" which gives SIL a chance to swap it, get something new or ignore bin it and declare in mid year that your stopping adult gift giving.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/12/2020 14:02

Fair enough if buying something second hand but then at least buy the right size
Nothing at all wrong with saying thanks for lovely gift but I could do with a bigger size and do you have receipt or I can send back for you to exchange
But I wouldn't gift someone a second hand gift of my own item or even from a charity shop
Unless I knew they didn't mind second hand and also would be sure on size etc as know it wouldn't be able to be exchanged

BlueThistles · 26/12/2020 14:09

No one has said she has to be grateful. But there are some really childish and petty responses. Are you all this PA in real life?

It was a dud gift. Just move forward and forget about it.

I was being facetious at the responses to the posts telling OP she should be grateful for such a SHITE gift.. please read by actual posts properly before responding...

TurquoiseDragon · 26/12/2020 14:31

I've bought secondhand gifts before, but they've been something the recipient has liked. If I was in a panic about a last minute gift, I keep a couple of boxes of chocolates aside.

I do re-gift, but I always think of the recipient and tailor the re-gifts carefully. I like the recipient to feel I've thought about them.

squeekums · 26/12/2020 14:32

What’s wrong with sugar coating it? It’s a tactful response. The OP knows there’s no receipt as it was secondhand. Asking for one is passive aggressive. Why embarrass her? I don’t get the need to drum up drama out of nowhere just to get the upper hand.

I dont get accepting something that is useless then trying to say oh how awesome! or worse, saying nothing just to be polite.

Id be straight out, it dont fit, can i get the receipt to exchange it.
Its the SIL own fault if she bought second hand which cant be returned. In that instance, she should have called the OP DH and asked her actual size.

This is exactly why you dont gift 2nd hand crap

SmudgeButt · 26/12/2020 14:32

Laugh when you talk to her about it and mention you are so delighted she thinks you are so petite!

Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 26/12/2020 14:38

If they have forgotten to get you something, and it has been a rather exceptional year, perhaps she would be relieved to ‘exchange’ it for you and purchase one.

hesaidshesaidwhat · 26/12/2020 14:39

I buy stuff in charity shops for me and the DC and have given second hand gifts to my children e.g. a bike but I would never ever give someone a second hand gift that had been worn/used. I think it is height of rudeness.

Buying people clothing is risky imo and consequently I would always include a gift receipt. Sizing these days is a minefield.

Imagine OP that you hadn't realised that it was secondhand and noticed the size was wrong. Wouldn't you just send a text saying 'loved the jumper but it doesn't fit!, please could you send the receipt and I'll change for a bigger size' or you would say could you change it. I think the fact you know it is secondhand is making it awkward for you. Your SIL is the one who should be feeling awkward and she is relying on your good/passive nature here.

Spied · 26/12/2020 14:47

I couldn't send someone a gift that didn't have tags etcConfused

I'd call her, say ' lovely jumper, thank you but it doesn't fit, can I have the receipt so I can get a different size please?'.