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Original poster

Is this creepy or am I over reacting?

225 replies

HallionRapscallion · 24/12/2020 16:57

DH and I were watching notes on a scandal a few nights ago. We were chatting about age gap relationships and I had mentioned how I could never see an 18 year old as anything but a child and I thought it's weird when older men/women are into 18/19 year olds (for context I'm 35 and DH is 40). He disagreed and said 18 year olds are adults and that most men in their 30s/40s (if single and had the opportunity) would definitely sleep with an 18 year old. To say I was not amused was putting it lightly. Still feel a bit weirded out by it all but don't know whether I'm justified or a boring old prude. He thinks I'm being very naive and that may be true but I genuinely do find it so distasteful.

OP posts:
Coronaquandry · 25/12/2020 06:08

I've had similar conversations with my do.. we've concluded that the youngest non gross age for a partner is half your age plus 7..so 27 for a 40 year old, 4 for a 70 year old etc

switswooo · 25/12/2020 06:08

I don’t think all police officers are generally moral. There have been many cases of police officers exploiting vulnerable women.

Coronaquandry · 25/12/2020 06:08

42 for a 70 year old

VulvaPerson · 25/12/2020 06:09

@coldwaterfeed

That is gross *@VulvaPerson* how did they even get together?
He owned a bar at the time. Apparently she chased him. I actively tried to avoid anything to do with it all though, as did DH so don't know that mch about it, except that it lasted about 6 months. And his next partner was a few years older. He is now 68 and engaged to a 36 year old. Seems hes always had younger partners, which isn't bad in itself really, but the 18 year old thing really weirded me out.
coldwaterfeed · 25/12/2020 06:14

Well I hope he didn’t take advantage of her.

I’m in my 30s, not sure what I’d have in common with a 68yo.

VashtaNerada · 25/12/2020 06:17

@switswooo Yes, sorry, you are absolutely right. DH is what you would hope a police officer to be, but yes there are many of his colleagues who have behaved appallingly.

coldwaterfeed · 25/12/2020 06:18

@VashtaNerada happy to hear your DH is one of the good ones Smile

SkySports · 25/12/2020 06:19

He's 40 and would sleep with an 18 year old girl if he had the chance

Weird

VulvaPerson · 25/12/2020 06:19

Honestly, I know its a stereotype but with the 18 year old, it seemed he was happy to have a very fit young girl on his arm, and she was happy to have someone lavishing cash on her. They are on decent terms now, or were last I saw them together anyway, shes married now, to a guy abut 20 years older than her. His current fiance..he has been with a few years, they seems to have nothing in common at all to be quite honest, but there must be something there. I get on really well with her but have never really talked about that as its understandably an awkward topic, DH 'stepmum' is a year older than him!

VulvaPerson · 25/12/2020 06:25

Also from what I remember of it, there was a lot of gossip (understandably really) and it seemed most women found it creepy. And most of the guys round there, were quite jealous, especially the older ones Hmm She was actually model type looks though, so even the younger guys seemed quite jealous. I wonder if it helps that he has never looked anywhere near his age. Even now, if I didn't know, I wouldn't put him above about mid fifties. When I met him, I thought he might be DHs brother for a bit. To make things weirder, DH has an older brother who is mid forties now..

coldwaterfeed · 25/12/2020 06:28

Well that explains why his current wife may be attracted to him.

Sad that other men were jealous rather than condemning when he was with the 18yo.

I hate the idea of women being seen as a commodity or seeing themselves as a commodity.

cremuel · 25/12/2020 06:34

I’m reading The Princess Diarist at the moment - Carrie Fisher talking about the filming of Star Wars, based on her diaries. It mostly focuses on her affair with Harrison Ford. She was 19 and he was 35. It’s pretty uncomfortable reading- she was so naive and insecure. It’s made me think of him in a different light.

joystir59 · 25/12/2020 06:37

A lot of men would sleep with a female child- a female is never too young to be considered fair game. Think about the common male fantasy of a school girl in uniform

VulvaPerson · 25/12/2020 06:49

I remember having a bit of a crush on a 17 year old when I was 20, and I felt creepy as fuck for even that, which I know is OTT really. My brother brags ( :( ) sometimes about sleeping with women twice his age. However, he is 25 so, its not as icky as teenagers, but still something I couldn't personally do tbh. I guess each to their own, but I can't help judging slightly all the same when its teens at least.

VulvaPerson · 25/12/2020 06:56

I've lost count of the numbers of men who were happy to proposition me when I was a teen. Many of them were vocal about being happily married.

Also yes to this.

From being about 14 onwards. Some when they even knew my age. One propositioned me in my fucking uniform on way to school. My mothers boyfriend (she split from my dad briefly when I was 14 til I was 17) hit on me once, he met me when I was 15. I was 16 at the time. Had been out with friends and I think I was spiked, mum was at work and he was in, noticed I was wrecked and tried it on.

Even throughout my twenties, I had multiple very older men trying it, though me working in a bar might have 'caused' a lot of that as it seems men feel entitled to barstaff, at least female bar staff.

I have quite a dim view on many men, after my experiences to be honest. Though of course I know its not all of them. Seemed like most though, when younger anyway. I really dread DD getting older..

groovergirl · 25/12/2020 07:32

If you look at the Macron marriage, it seems a big age gap can be overcome by other qualities. But I do wonder what was going on for 40yo Brigitte when she fell for a 15yo. (Like the schoolteacher in Notes on a Scandal, actually.) Did Emmanuel have a crush on Madame and was she flattered and then fell for him as an antidote to her dull marriage?

When I was 40 I sometimes noticed much younger men 20yo, perhaps checking me out. It was flattering, and one last sexy fling would have been welcome, but I didn't feel entitled to even say hello to them. I didn't want to be like the old perves who hit on the young me.

GrapeLipBalm · 25/12/2020 08:30

Yes that's quite a shocker of an age gap.

TurningOfTheWheel · 25/12/2020 09:14

When I was 18, men over the age of 23 or so who were perving and chatting up teenage girls were seen as creepy losers.

BubblyBarbara · 25/12/2020 09:18

But lots of older people “feel 20 on the inside” or whatever. If you still feel like a younger person on the inside it would be no surprise if you’re attracted to younger adults too. People just aren’t because they know they’re immature and stupid and wouldn’t be interested in an older person anyway.

Mittens030869 · 25/12/2020 09:54

** don’t be so naive to believe they wouldn’t and the ones that claim they wouldn’t are lying.

‘What an horrific view to have of men.’**

This with bells on. My DH certainly wouldn’t have, even when he was single. The idea simply wouldn’t have occurred to him. Same with my BILs.

I daresay the majority of decent men would notice an attractive 18 year old, but that doesn’t mean that they would think they were entitled to act on that attraction.

Similarly, a woman can be attracted to a friend’s DH or a BIL whilst she would never in a million years do anything about it.

Mittens030869 · 25/12/2020 10:03

* A lot of men would sleep with a female child- a female is never too young to be considered fair game. Think about the common male fantasy of a school girl in uniform*

There are men like this, and some of them act on it. Including my F, he abused my DSis and me and allowed others to do so.

But I do think the majority of men would be horrified at the mere suggestion of abusing underage girls.

DontStopThinkingAboutTomorrow · 25/12/2020 10:42

I think that scientifically (for lack of a better word!) he is right- men are biologically wired to be attracted to younger women of child bearing age (the only source I can find now is in the metro: metro.co.uk/2019/02/22/men-regardless-age-will-always-attracted-women-early-20s-8718590/)

That doesn't mean of course, that all men would shag younger women- most wouldn't.

I think it's creepy as hell and definitely points to a power imbalance in the relationship.

Wheresmykimchi · 25/12/2020 10:48

@Coronaquandry

I've had similar conversations with my do.. we've concluded that the youngest non gross age for a partner is half your age plus 7..so 27 for a 40 year old, 4 for a 70 year old etc
I've always found that theory odd.

A 27 and a 40 year old is very different to a 42 and 70.

MrsClatterbuck · 25/12/2020 12:02

@nokidshere

He's right, they are adults and it's their own business who they sleep with. As long as it's mutual and no one is being forced or coerced of course.

I think my sister who is 55 and her husband who is 70 would be pretty upset if someone described their 39yr marriage as 'distasteful'.

So your sister got married at 16 to a man who was 31. How long did they date? It appears to have worked for them but for me personally that would not be good.
I know in the USA that marriages are allowed for children from as young as 13 but with a judges approval but some states are raising the legal age to 18 for marriage.
DontStopThinkingAboutTomorrow · 25/12/2020 12:12

I know in the USA that marriages are allowed for children from as young as 13 but with a judges approval but some states are raising the legal age to 18 for marriage

America is very fucked up I this regard. Children who become pregnant are forced to marry their rapist- the rapist then avoids criminal charges because they are married, and the Childs family avoids the shame of having an unwed teen mother. (Note- not sure if this is still the law, as article is a few years old)

www.nytimes.com/2018/06/01/opinion/sunday/child-marriage-delaware.html