Is this creepy or am I over reacting?

[HallionRapscallion]

DH and I were watching notes on a scandal a few nights ago. We were chatting about age gap relationships and I had mentioned how I could never see an 18 year old as anything but a child and I thought it's weird when older men/women are into 18/19 year olds (for context I'm 35 and DH is 40). He disagreed and said 18 year olds are adults and that most men in their 30s/40s (if single and had the opportunity) would definitely sleep with an 18 year old. To say I was not amused was putting it lightly. Still feel a bit weirded out by it all but don't know whether I'm justified or a boring old prude. He thinks I'm being very naive and that may be true but I genuinely do find it so distasteful.

@Graphista

They were together when she was 16 but married when she was 19.

That really doesn't make it meaningfully better!

I agree your sister was likely looking for an escape from a dysfunctional home life

Op I think your dh is right you are naive

You are right that it's creepy and gross!

Men are mostly creepy and gross ime

From the age of 13, csa at home and many, too many, much older men "trying it on" with me with no sense of how vile they were being. Really made me feel like it was something about me that "invited" this crap! Reinforced by being told by abusive father that I was a "flirt" and "tease" and blamed me for the abuse - still does!

The law makes SOME Of them check themselves but most are far from aware of just what disgusting creeps they are

They've been together happily since then.

Yea cos coerced and controlled girls/women are always aware they are - not!

You have an odd idea of this set up I'm not entirely convinced you're describing your sister myself

My dd is now dealing with the mental gymnastics of dealing with the fact my ex's 2nd wife who was ow was 2 years younger than she is now (almost 20) when they got together. By the time ow/2nd wife was dds age she was pregnant with their 2nd. By all accounts it's very much an "uneven" relationship in that she is very controlled by him. He wouldn't have got away with that shit with me! I'm less then 5 years younger than him and pretty assertive perhaps due to previous experiences. Dd currently "reconnecting" with her father but warily so. Gets along great with "stepmum" but then they're fairly close in age so hardly surprising

The most popular "categories" in porn viewing tend to the very young and incestuous too.

I think it's mainly a case of their being self protective enough not to mention what they really think/feel to anyone who might carefully monitor them!

Woody Allen is notorious for this hardly a shock given his own "predilections" don't you think?

I refused to watch and therefore support anything he has been involved in, ditto Roman Polanski Who should be rotting in hell frankly

It's probably different for those who work with teenagers though or those who have daughters of that age

Why do you think that? Ime it makes no difference

Men are ime still perhaps even regressively so predatory. There are evolutionary reasons for that - doesn't make it right.

Lot of naive and defensive posts on this thread

You had me until your bottom bit.

You don't think men with daughters of 18 of teachers consider them differently?

Men. Are. Not. Predatory.

Lots of misandry in your post.

9 years ago, I dated a 30 year old man when I was 18. It wasn't until I was 22 when I ended that relationship finally that I realised it was abusive, there was a massive power imbalance and he had groomed me.

It is creepy. Men who date younger women are creepy.

If you're over the age of 22 what could you possibly have in common with an 18 year old child?

And yes, at 18 I may have been studying and living in a different country and had a job but mentally I was very much still a child.

@Wheresmykimchi I have been very careful to say throughout "ime" if that has not been your experience then I am grateful you haven't experienced that - far too many of us HAVE

Not by one or a few abusers but by almost every man we've had contact with, I can count on ONE hand at the age of 48 the number of men who HAVE NOT displayed predatory and potentially abusive attitudes v the HUNDREDS I have experienced who have.

And I'm not even basing that on solely my own experience, out of the over 300 women I know less than a dozen have NEVER experienced a sexual advance or even assault inc rape from men who were in positions of trust with them - relatives, teachers, medical professionals in the vast majority of cases. Only ONE woman I know CLAIMS to have never been propositioned or assaulted by a much older man.

I do know and value highly the VERY few men I know who are genuinely good, decent men I know are completely trustworthy.

I also have several gay male friends and relatives who absolutely agree with my view having experienced similar themselves

@Wheresmykimchi men are predatory, and misandry isn't real but I'd love it if it was. You could call me Ms Andry happily!

[quote peppita]@Wheresmykimchi men are predatory, and misandry isn't real but I'd love it if it was. You could call me Ms Andry happily! [/quote]
Some men are predatory. Some .

Is it not? Aw silly me. Presumably misogyny isn't either then.

[quote Graphista]@Wheresmykimchi I have been very careful to say throughout "ime" if that has not been your experience then I am grateful you haven't experienced that - far too many of us HAVE

Not by one or a few abusers but by almost every man we've had contact with, I can count on ONE hand at the age of 48 the number of men who HAVE NOT displayed predatory and potentially abusive attitudes v the HUNDREDS I have experienced who have.

And I'm not even basing that on solely my own experience, out of the over 300 women I know less than a dozen have NEVER experienced a sexual advance or even assault inc rape from men who were in positions of trust with them - relatives, teachers, medical professionals in the vast majority of cases. Only ONE woman I know CLAIMS to have never been propositioned or assaulted by a much older man.

I do know and value highly the VERY few men I know who are genuinely good, decent men I know are completely trustworthy.

I also have several gay male friends and relatives who absolutely agree with my view having experienced similar themselves [/quote]
This is all a complete derail, graphista.

And your point about gay friends is completely irrelevant - of course they've suffered at the hands of males, they (presumably) haven't been near females!

Graphista: From the age of 13, csa at home and many, too many, much older men "trying it on" with me with no sense of how vile they were being. Really made me feel like it was something about me that "invited" this crap!
...........

I had the same and felt the same, Graphista. x

[quote EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide]@jessstan1 I was with him for five years. It wasn't until I was out of the relationship and more grown up that I realised how bad it was.
I still can't believe my mum allowed it, I don't mention it to her but she's quite odd anyway. [/quote]
I'm so sorry

@Wheresmykimchi you've got to be a man 🤣

No, misandry isn't real at all.
Misogyny however, very real. Deadly real.

My kids dad is 22 years older than me. We net when I was 18 and he was 40. We each thought the other was older/younger than we were and by the time we got round to mentioning it things were already getting serious. We were together almost 20 years, married for 18. Since then I’ve dated a man who was 24 when I was 38. Plenty of men who are that age look older and I look young for my age. It’s about meeting someone you click with rather than age.
Unpopular opinion but the age of consent is entirely arbitrary anyway, some people are able to consent anc know what’s going on at 16, some younger, some older.

@peppita I lived alone from age 15, I was supporting myself financially from that age, and I had been the parent to my younger siblings from around age 10 when my mother essentially checked out mentally. I wasn’t a child at 16 or 18, far from it. Just because that is how you feel about yourself it doesn’t follow that’s how it is for everyone.

[quote peppita]@Wheresmykimchi you've got to be a man 🤣

No, misandry isn't real at all.
Misogyny however, very real. Deadly real.[/quote]
Ah yes . I forgot on MN women can't stick up for men. No I'm not a man.

Oh OK. Sexism only works one way . Thanks for that.

@jessstan1 solidarity sister! There's way too many of us! And until there aren't I maintain most men ARE predatory creeps not all but most

I've had conversations with friends and family who started out saying they had "never" been assaulted then when I and others have pointed out that groping, grabbing, unprecedented kissing etc is assault they've rethought

Going back to the FILM, this wasn't a relationship, just sex so no idea why the thread is about power-imbalanced r-ships.
Also I thought the woman was around 30 in the film, not well into her 30s/40s like the men discussed on here.

Imo (and some posters who were 18 when dating older men)nowadays the level of maturity is much higher in 18-yr olds than it was 20yrs ago. But in any case, it is individual - some 18yr olds live separately feom parents, work, have children even. Some are immature and dependent parents. So you can't tar them all with same brush.
But what the fild did show correctly, is that 18yr old men are really not a relationship material for older women, it's all about sex as they tend to be too immature emotionally, it's all about excitement and ego.
As that dialogue in the film where he says he can't help her with her issues - and sounded annoyed.
That single-minded interest in sex would put me off, but when I was 30, I could easily get attracted to a physically mature 18yr old, just was unlikely to act on it but wouldn;t be impossible for a fling.

@CatAndHisKit

Going back to the FILM, this wasn't a relationship, just sex so no idea why the thread is about power-imbalanced r-ships. Also I thought the woman was around 30 in the film, not well into her 30s/40s like the men discussed on here.

Imo (and some posters who were 18 when dating older men)nowadays the level of maturity is much higher in 18-yr olds than it was 20yrs ago. But in any case, it is individual - some 18yr olds live separately feom parents, work, have children even. Some are immature and dependent parents. So you can't tar them all with same brush.
But what the fild did show correctly, is that 18yr old men are really not a relationship material for older women, it's all about sex as they tend to be too immature emotionally, it's all about excitement and ego.
As that dialogue in the film where he says he can't help her with her issues - and sounded annoyed.
That single-minded interest in sex would put me off, but when I was 30, I could easily get attracted to a physically mature 18yr old, just was unlikely to act on it but wouldn;t be impossible for a fling.

Because certain posters love an opportunity to slate men.

Yeah, grim in the extreme. It is just about legal but that doesn't make it less creepy or disgusting. 🤢🤮(⬅️ you know what that isn't!!!)

No, I don't think it's creepy - I would reserve that for interest in actual children or quite young girls. We've continues to extend adolescence and infantilise young adults in many ways, but biologically an 18 year old, whatever we might feel as middle aged women, is finished her sexual development and has probably been fertile for several years, could easily be a mother with several children. I know a few people who married at around that age, and quite a few who were involved with their eventual spouse by that age.

The other thing I would say s that if an 18 year old isn't capable of making a decision about having sex with a 30 or 40 year old(and some women that age do make some stupid decisions), I don't think she's likely to be capable of making such a decision about an 18 or 19 year old either. So really that would mean pushing back the age of consent even further.

From my perspective as a middle aged women, 18 does seem quite young and it seems like a different lifetime in a way. But so does 25, and even 30. I also can't really see wanting to have sex with an 18 year old man, either - but then, I wasn't much interested in them even when I was that age. I think it's fairly common for women not to be attracted to men in that age group, but I don't think the reverse particularly holds true.

I can't agree with thread majority opinions.
This thread is hysterical in places (I don't mean amusing).

Hi Op
I have alternative take,angle viewpoint on this.

I have come across a few men I know same age roughly as myself in their mid/late fourties
And these men even tho,they are that age,(they have the emotional maturity of Adolescents boys.

I have been asked out a few times times by them, interested in dating
And frankly their emotional maturity/developed is so Arrested .
Its seriously quite off putting

Dating any of them would be like was dating/seeing of them in that way..

Would be like dodgy/Creepy
Like I was doing something seriously wrong.!

YES MOST men would sleep with an 18 year old, don’t be so naive to believe they wouldn’t and the ones that claim they wouldn’t are lying.

Well, here is one time where I'm happy to be classed as a liar.

Wouldn't be remotely interested, but then, they wouldn't be in me either!

As a 17-22ish year old I was propositioned loads by older men. I was a bit wide eyed and looking back it seemed really predatory. I can’t imagine it going the other way (40 something and lusting after an 18 year old boy 🤢). What would I have in common with a teenager?!

I wouldn't

When I first met DH, now FIL was seeing someone younger than DH. A fair bit younger too and it always seemed massively creepy to me.

DH was 25. I was 23. FIL was 58. FIL was seeing a 18YO (but she was nearly 19..was said a lot)

That is gross @VulvaPerson how did they even get together?

It just reminds me of Rolf Harris’ grooming of his daughter’s friend. Determined and shameless.

I’ve had this conversation with DH before and I do think he’s telling the truth when he says he’d be horrified at the thought of being with an 18yo. He’s a police officer which might be relevant (in that he’s very aware of vulnerability and consent and that sort of thing). He is generally a decent human being which is probably relevant too! I think it’s not a case of whether you could find someone that age attractive (I’m sure there are plenty of 18yos who are objectively attractive), it’s whether you feel it would be right to act upon that. If you have general feelings of entitlement and little regard for others’ feelings you’re more likely to go for it without considering the potential ramifications. As for whether men are more likely to have feelings of entitlement and little regard for others’ feelings...