Is this creepy or am I over reacting?

[HallionRapscallion]

DH and I were watching notes on a scandal a few nights ago. We were chatting about age gap relationships and I had mentioned how I could never see an 18 year old as anything but a child and I thought it's weird when older men/women are into 18/19 year olds (for context I'm 35 and DH is 40). He disagreed and said 18 year olds are adults and that most men in their 30s/40s (if single and had the opportunity) would definitely sleep with an 18 year old. To say I was not amused was putting it lightly. Still feel a bit weirded out by it all but don't know whether I'm justified or a boring old prude. He thinks I'm being very naive and that may be true but I genuinely do find it so distasteful.

It's different for a woman. Theres a reason why we dont really see older women with younger men. Men look for sex, women for a relationship.

Just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t mean that something is intrinsically wrong. I don’t think I would be attracted to someone that young but it doesn’t mean someone else shouldn’t. I’ve definitely met young men ( 21+) who are very interested In bedding older women... it doesn’t have to mean “ dating” or “ marriage” I think if a few younger men had that kind of experience you’d find a few more with decent skills in bed as they got older.

@1992serpent

It's different for a woman. Theres a reason why we dont really see older women with younger men. Men look for sex, women for a relationship.

My father was 22 when I was born, I couldn't date a man near my father's age either!

I've name changed but I'm 18, and when I was 15 or 16 the amount of men who approached me for sex was ridiculous. Anywhere from 25-65ish, totally apathetic to me being underage. Didn't know better so I ended up sleeping with some of them frequently because they spouted all that shit about "you're soooo mature!".

As an 18 year old, don't have sex with people who have barely reached adulthood! It's really not that hard. The amount of men who just don't care as a ratio is very disturbing, just because you legally can doesn't mean you should.

What he said was creepy, but it's even creepier that he's right.

I was 18 when I met my now husband who was 40. Nothing gross about it certainly paid me more respect than the 20 year olds my sisters were dating did them.

In my experience from being 18 - there are a lot of dirty old men who want to shag teenage girls. For some reason they can't understand that to a teenage girl, they are grotesque old perves.

I think a man over 30 that still wants to have sex with teenage girls is a man that sees women as conquests and fuck dolls and not real people to be respected. I mean they don't want to shag a teenager because they think they will have a lot in common and shared interests do they. They want to because they have tight young virginal bodies and they see it as an accomplishment.

I was 18 when I met my dc's father, he was 35.
Worked well for 12 years then I realised he was an arsehole who never grew up lol.

I think large age gaps are gross. My 50 odd year old brother in law is with a 30 year old woman. She sits and strokes him whenever we see them. It’s really off putting. Whenever we talk about something she always says “who is that”, or “I’ve never heard of them”. There’s just no common references when one of them is old enough to be the other one’s dad.

@Ludoole

I was 18 when I met my dc's father, he was 35. Worked well for 12 years then I realised he was an arsehole who never grew up lol.

It's funny how it works like that. I was seeing a man 17 years older than me and had to end it because he was a ridiculous child yet I know women who had children planned or otherwise with men in their late teens who grew up fast.

Disgusting thing to say, but probably quite apt.
Is he saying he would like to sleep with an 18 year old?

Just shows you legality matters a hell of a lot more than moral integrity to many men!

the men are feminists and emotionally literate and the women are capable. None of them would want to date a child

That's what they tell you, but you don't know what they are really thinking

^this. I think women are more likely to say they wouldn't but from 18-23ish I slept with several dozen 30-50+ year old women. Either I had the ability to constantly find the exception or women are less opposed to the idea than the let on.

I think a lot of you have hit the nail on the head when you are saying "just because you can doesn't mean you should". My DH seems to think because it's legal it's also socially/morally acceptable. I suspect that many men probably would agree with my husband unfortunately although most probably wouldn't be stupid honest enough to say it to their wife!

Personally I see it as creepy but most men would see it as fair game as she’s “legal”.

They would probably add that they would have loved it if an older woman showed their 18 year old selves attention.

I think you really have to spell out the reality to them - they would see it differently if it was say, a creepy, weird, unattractive woman preying or grooming on 18 year olds by plying them with gifts/drugs/alcohol which is common with older men and 18 year olds. There’s a power imbalance, it’s not just simply dating

Not many women find very young men attractive.
But many men find very young women attractive.

Personally I see it as creepy but most men would see it as fair game as she’s “legal”.

Even the usage of the words "fair game" have predatory connotations.

My DH’s aunt married someone much older than her, he’d been at school with her eldest sibling, almost 20 year difference. Struck me as odd, frankly. A 33 year female colleague of mine married an 18 year old boy/man. I found that very curious but they’re both stupidly in love, happy, have a child, been together a while now.

I can’t imagine being interested in an 18 year old as a middle aged person. What would you have in common? All the 18 year olds I know are definitely children.

I got married to a man i met when I was 19 and he was 36. I think your definition of distasteful is offensive personally.

I read something around this and the thought was that men see a beautiful younger person and see them as someone they could potentially be with whereas women (generally) think they are good looking but see them as someone they would have been interested in when they were younger.

It's creepy. And they always go with the bullshit 'she's sooo mature for her age'.

There's a well-known Instagrammer who posted (and later deleted) that she met her partner when she was 13 and he was 25. They kept it quiet for a few years then started dating openly when she 15/16. She goes on and on about how 'mature' she was but it's pretty apparent she was groomed. They are still together as adults but that doesn't make what happened okay.

Not many women find very young men attractive.
But many men find very young women attractive

Exactly this and I bet the vast majority of single men in their 30/40s would jump into bed with an 18 year old given the chance. Its actually refreshing he was so honest with you and dont assume he is raring to do the same thing.

@nokidshere

He's right, they are adults and it's their own business who they sleep with. As long as it's mutual and no one is being forced or coerced of course.

I think my sister who is 55 and her husband who is 70 would be pretty upset if someone described their 39yr marriage as 'distasteful'.

A 31 marrying a 16yo is distasteful and more like grooming than a relationship.

I'm 26 and I think sleeping with an 18 year old is gross 🤢

I think I’d get the ick with anyone more than 10 years either side of me at my current age.

@HallionRapscallion
I, like you, think that an 18 year old isn't mature enough to understand the ramifications of having a sexual relationship with a much older man. And until I unwittingly became aware of the thoughts of the classic dirty old man, did I realise that this really isn't a cliche after all. There is a reason for that description...these men don't see themselves as old and undesirable....all they see is someone who has agreed to have sex with them. (IF these were rationally thinking older men they would see how they are actually preying on the insecurities of a teenager or a younger woman.( or the young women are preying on THEM) These women may be in a desperate situation at home, have been abused by a male relative, etc)
I, like most of the pp have only been exposed to honorable older men(DF, Duncles, DGF, DH etc)
I had no idea the capabilities of an older man who is a lech until I accidentally read an email written to my DH by an 84 year dirty old "friend" ( DH is not even close to his 80s) about how he was very attracted to a young woman( late 20s) when she was just standing by him and how he got a sexual thrill out of it....blergh🤢. She innocently was wearing shorts( in a tropical climate!) and the sight of her bare legs turned him on ( I'm about to get sick here just thinking of it).
These dirty old men have something wrong with their thinking( I don't know the technical terms...maybe narcs?)
The DOMan( not dear, but dirty!) continued to prove his true nature over the course of several years....it's almost laughable at his high opinion of himself except he is involving vulnerable women in his sick actions... ( or as you'll read later on how the women are using him)

Here's one example of his very flawed thinking... He decided he'd sign up on a legitimate dating website ...in his profile he said he was 70 years old ffs(Remember he's 84!) The poor women that responded were usually in their 60s and were widowed. He has lots of money and can look rather dashing in photos if you hurry up and take the picture before he has to sit down from exhaustion or falls asleep ( not joking) He'd meet up with them for coffee and then tell my husband they looked too old, didn't dress fashionable, etc eventhough most were in their 60s...
He finally hooked a 62 year old who had buried her husband after caring for him during a 7 year battle with cancer...she was ready to have some good times..going dancing, trips abroad, etc. ( She had her own money, so was just looking for companionship) He flew her to his holiday home to meet for the first time....can't even imagine her shock when she saw him, but by this time she'd developed somewhat of an emotional relationship.( she was a very kind, honest woman) They continued a long distance relationship for a few months...As you can imagine her DC were having a fit that she'd become involved with a dirty old man who lied about his age. Fortunately after spending some time with him in person and realizing his limitations as an 84 yr old she broke it off via email. She really was very nice about it saying she liked him as a friend, but she was looking for someone who could go out at night to go dancing-- without falling asleep--..here's how it came to light about his high opinion of himself ...he couldn't believe that she actually had the audacity to not want to continue the relationship...instead of admitting that he'd lied about his age and it was his OWN fault!

One more story and then I'll sign off...it's very important to the OPs post...DOMan decided to move to an Asian country where very poor daughters are employed by bars that catered to rich foreign men for the pleasures of these men...it was sickening to view photos of him with his arms around 2 very young women and he was lapping up the attention big time... Saw nothing wrong with it and was actually proud that he still had the means to attract girls close to his GREATGRANDDAUGHTERS age( he didn't have a care in the world that they were after his money and all they had to do was have sex with him 🤮🤮🤮)

So there you have it OP
A cautionary tale about dirty old men...yes, they WILL have sex with a teenager if given the chance. Your DH is correct