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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this creepy or am I over reacting?

225 replies

HallionRapscallion · 24/12/2020 16:57

DH and I were watching notes on a scandal a few nights ago. We were chatting about age gap relationships and I had mentioned how I could never see an 18 year old as anything but a child and I thought it's weird when older men/women are into 18/19 year olds (for context I'm 35 and DH is 40). He disagreed and said 18 year olds are adults and that most men in their 30s/40s (if single and had the opportunity) would definitely sleep with an 18 year old. To say I was not amused was putting it lightly. Still feel a bit weirded out by it all but don't know whether I'm justified or a boring old prude. He thinks I'm being very naive and that may be true but I genuinely do find it so distasteful.

OP posts:
Ballstothis148 · 24/12/2020 21:04

So
So
So
Gross

TibetanTerrier · 24/12/2020 21:12

When I was 18 in 1972 it was a different world. I had moved 300 miles from home, was living in a flat in central London, and was fully independent and supporting myself without any help from anyone. I met and fell for a 38 year old man and we were together for 12 years. He was the love of my life and neither of us had any doubt that we would have been together for life had he not developed cancer when we'd been together for 12 years. There was absolutely nothing distasteful about our relationship, it was based on a deep love and we were meant to be together. Nobody has the right to judge someone else's relationship just because it's different from their own.

OhWhyNot · 24/12/2020 21:13

Why is it having such a horrific view of men

I believe men are just different to women in how they view sex I don’t think most men need a connection I don’t judge that

I don’t think it’s disgusting for older men to find a young women sexually attractive Or to want to have sex with a young women they find attractive - to behave like a slimy creep or manipulate a young women yes I have an issue with that

TurquoiseDragon · 24/12/2020 21:13

@MintyMabel

I've lost count of the numbers of men who were happy to proposition me when I was a teen.

And how many didn’t?

I'm thinking of the men I knew, since those that didn't include the high proportion of men who didn't know me.
Blondiney · 24/12/2020 21:15

He's right, most blokes would sleep with an 18 year old if given the opportunity. I have a grim suspicion that a hell of a lot of them would have sex with a 14 year old if it were legal.

Don't know many women that have that 'barely legal' fetish though.

PandaBearCub · 24/12/2020 21:30

Eugh films usually have a very young barely legal woman dating a man in his 30s or 40s. Woody Allen is notorious for this. Look at the age gap between the love interest in Manhattan. Woody Allen plays a 42 year old dating a 17 year old girl. The actress was 16 at the time of filming.

kursaalflyer · 24/12/2020 21:31

The difference between now and the 70s/80s is that most 18 year olds are still at school. So a 40 year old dating a schoolgirl? Again, just because it's legal doesn.it make it ok. Repulsive.

MustardMitt · 24/12/2020 21:35

Nobody has the right to judge someone else's relationship just because it's different from their own

Well, this is just silly. Everyone judges everyone, whether they admit it or not. First impressions count, and they are formed immediately based on what we see and what we know.

I can’t possibly know what I would have felt in 1972 seeing a teenager with a grown man, but I know what I’d feel now.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 24/12/2020 21:37

@jessstan1 I was with him for five years. It wasn't until I was out of the relationship and more grown up that I realised how bad it was.
I still can't believe my mum allowed it, I don't mention it to her but she's quite odd anyway.

PandaBearCub · 24/12/2020 21:44

@nokidshere

He's right, they are adults and it's their own business who they sleep with. As long as it's mutual and no one is being forced or coerced of course.

I think my sister who is 55 and her husband who is 70 would be pretty upset if someone described their 39yr marriage as 'distasteful'.

So your DSis was 16 and he was 31 when they married? How long had they been dating? That’s really disgusting. He was more than old enough to be her dad and yet he lusted after a child?
IdblowJonSnow · 24/12/2020 21:51

Whether it's true or not I couldn't say but it is creepy.
It might be legal but once you're in your 30s, 18 year olds are like kids in comparison. It's all relative.
The differences in life experience between the two is vast and there is something exploitative about it imo.

Dullardmullard · 24/12/2020 21:57

I’d have the ick over it

I have children older than 18 now but even in my late 20s I wouldn’t date an 18 year old

cheesemongery · 24/12/2020 22:01

Of course they want to - aged 18, to early 20s - most fertile and everything is still in the right place. Men see things pyhsically, I'm under no illusions that whilst my partner finds me attractive at 46, his fantasies would be of a nubile young woman.

Givemeabreak88 · 24/12/2020 22:05

People need to realise that MEN don’t think of 18 year old women as children.

Original poster
HallionRapscallion · 24/12/2020 22:47

I definitely don't think that most (not all) men see 18 year olds as children. It's probably different for those who work with teenagers though or those who have daughters of that age. I asked my DH how he'd feel if a man of his age was lusting after our DD when she turns 18 and he admitted he'd 'lose his shit' so I think he understands my point of view.

OP posts:
BeanieB2020 · 24/12/2020 22:53

I was with a 39 year old when I was 18. I have no idea how that happened now as now I'm in my 30s there is NO WAY I would date an 18 year old, or even a 20 year old for that matter.

covidaintacrime · 24/12/2020 22:53

I asked my DH how he'd feel if a man of his age was lusting after our DD when she turns 18 and he admitted he'd lose his shit so I think he understands my point of view.

Ahh yes, because only other men are creepy old bastards. If he's not okay with it happening to his child, he shouldn't be okay with it happening to other people's children.

Hypocrisy is so convenient when penises are involved.

WiddlinDiddlin · 24/12/2020 23:03

There's so many different things going on there though...

Most men would think 'wahey, 18, fab', its a badge of honour. It shouldn't be, but it is.

I find most women would rather date someone a bit older, at 18 I had ZERO interest in anyone my age or even near it, because they were all immature morons.

I did have a brief relationship with a man in his late 40s when I was 18... in hindsight, whilst I was absolutely more than his intellectual equal, I hadn't his life experience, how could I.. and yes, it was icky. I ended it because he was bloody boring though!

Surely as much as we don't want to admit it though, there is a genetic predisposition for men to want younger women (and more than one), and for women to want a steady older man rather than a flighty immature one.

Not saying that makes it acceptable for someone to pursue anyone under age, or that it automatically makes big age gaps ok... but our natural lifespan is only around 38 years, we have NOT actually evolved as far as we think in many respects, some of us are still hard-wired to want to pair up and reproduce younger than is now socially acceptable and some people haven't got the common sense or will-power to resist.

For me the issue is more 'do the intelligence levels and life experience levels match' than 'are the ages the same or thereabouts'. With big age gaps you are more likely to get big gaps in other areas too.

PenfoldPenny · 24/12/2020 23:17

I think its bleurgh yes. But my son aged 19 says that Im being hopelessly naive. He says that most men of any age talk all the time about the idea of having sex with an 18yo. And a lot ponder the idea of sex with under 18yos.......... but (thankfully) less likely to act on it. (He is anti both btw)

Ginger1982 · 24/12/2020 23:25

@nokidshere

He's right, they are adults and it's their own business who they sleep with. As long as it's mutual and no one is being forced or coerced of course.

I think my sister who is 55 and her husband who is 70 would be pretty upset if someone described their 39yr marriage as 'distasteful'.

It is distasteful.
Deadringer · 25/12/2020 00:30

I agree with a pp, if the legal age was 14 lots of men, maybe even the majority would quite happily have sex with 14 year old girls.

Thefeep · 25/12/2020 01:03

My husband was 19 when his daughter was born so when he was 37 she was 18. He’d definitely never look at an 18 year old In that way or think it was ok.

Contraversial · 25/12/2020 01:16

When I was 18 I was in a relationship with a bloke in his late 30s. I pursued him. He was my first love but I ended it because he wanted to 'go public and settle down'. I'm 37 now and still think of him often. I don't, in any way feel abused or taken advantage of. If anything, I probably took advantage of him as ne loved me but we wanted different things

Wheresmykimchi · 25/12/2020 01:18

@Thefeep

My husband was 19 when his daughter was born so when he was 37 she was 18. He’d definitely never look at an 18 year old In that way or think it was ok.
Is that different though if you have a child that age?
Graphista · 25/12/2020 01:21

They were together when she was 16 but married when she was 19.

That really doesn't make it meaningfully better!

I agree your sister was likely looking for an escape from a dysfunctional home life

Op I think your dh is right you are naive

You are right that it's creepy and gross!

Men are mostly creepy and gross ime

From the age of 13, csa at home and many, too many, much older men "trying it on" with me with no sense of how vile they were being. Really made me feel like it was something about me that "invited" this crap! Reinforced by being told by abusive father that I was a "flirt" and "tease" and blamed me for the abuse - still does!

The law makes SOME Of them check themselves but most are far from aware of just what disgusting creeps they are

They've been together happily since then.

Yea cos coerced and controlled girls/women are always aware they are - not! Hmm

You have an odd idea of this set up I'm not entirely convinced you're describing your sister myself

My dd is now dealing with the mental gymnastics of dealing with the fact my ex's 2nd wife who was ow was 2 years younger than she is now (almost 20) when they got together. By the time ow/2nd wife was dds age she was pregnant with their 2nd. By all accounts it's very much an "uneven" relationship in that she is very controlled by him. He wouldn't have got away with that shit with me! I'm less then 5 years younger than him and pretty assertive perhaps due to previous experiences. Dd currently "reconnecting" with her father but warily so. Gets along great with "stepmum" but then they're fairly close in age so hardly surprising

The most popular "categories" in porn viewing tend to the very young and incestuous too.

I think it's mainly a case of their being self protective enough not to mention what they really think/feel to anyone who might carefully monitor them!

Woody Allen is notorious for this hardly a shock given his own "predilections" don't you think?

I refused to watch and therefore support anything he has been involved in, ditto Roman Polanski Who should be rotting in hell frankly

It's probably different for those who work with teenagers though or those who have daughters of that age

Why do you think that? Ime it makes no difference

Men are ime still perhaps even regressively so predatory. There are evolutionary reasons for that - doesn't make it right.

Lot of naive and defensive posts on this thread

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