The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

FWIW I think you’ve taken exactly the right action. I’m sorry.

I'm so sorry you're feeling sad, but well done for telling him exactly how you feel and refusing to be taken advantage of. What was his response?

Oh op!!! Im so sorry thats absolutely unacceptable

You are completely right he needs to step up to the plate now.
Even if he could get to a shop today any gift has no meaning now as he forgot you.

Please stick to your guns and spend the next few days on self care ❤

That sounds shit, I'm so sorry!! I don't blame you for giving up I'm Christmas - but he should sleep on the sofa not you!
I really hope he gets his act together and more than makes up for it.

I'm Christmas = on Christmas

I am sorry, OP. You have been entirely taken for granted. Do not lift another finger this Christmas.

Oh OP that's terrible, really thoughtlessly cruel. How he reacts will speak volumes about his genuine feelings of guilt and shame. He has the chance to find many lovely ways of making Xmas all about you. Ms

Poor you. Yes he should step up. If I was you I would focus on looking after yourself for the next few days - eat chocolate in front of your favourite film, go for walks have a long bath. Give yourself a few relaxing Christmasy days! TBH tell him and all dc you may be surprised that they pull things together as they don’t sound like bad people. People can get lazy and not see if you always f F o things for them. Say his Christmas gift to you can be doing Christmas. Hugs

Oh that’s a shame, and I don’t blame you. Are you in the uk??? There are some essential shops open and if you are he still has time to get you something!!
I’ve bought my own present this year - DH has wrapped but not given me the cash back yet! He has an excuse - he’s the sole cater for terminally ill MIL though.

I hope he has a good think about what you've said.

You’ve done the right thing, it’s horrible to feel taken for granted and as you say, just showing a bit of thought and choosing something as a surprise for you is so much nicer. You’ve given him a wake up call and now it’s his chance to step up. Much better to do that than silently seethe and grow resentful.

Yep quite right.

Let him sort it from here. And I hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas.

Really sorry OP. I am glad though that you have made it clear how fed up you are.

Really hope you can follow up with him, and make it clear his selfishness needs to change.

Hope the kids rally round and you have a good Christmas

@CountryLadyLane

Oh op!!! Im so sorry thats absolutely unacceptable

You are completely right he needs to step up to the plate now.
Even if he could get to a shop today any gift has no meaning now as he forgot you.

Please stick to your guns and spend the next few days on self care ❤

Exactly. That's what I told him. Don't go out and panic but now. It would have no meaning.

Sounds a lot like this scenario. But at least in this SNL sketch, the mum gets a bath robe.

www.distractify.com/p/snl-christmas-morning

I hear you. This is a really sad post to read today. I think you're doing absolutely the right thing to step down. You have done more than your share of planning and preparing, let them get on with it now. When I've felt taken for granted and overlooked, I accept the emotional temperature for the relationship set by the other party, i.e. if they're not bothered with giving gifts, making it nice, well okay, I'll tone it down, do less, buy less to match that. Please know that your thought and care for making things right IS understood by those who do the same, if not by your family. Time to please yourself now -your work is done. Have a mince pie and sherry, stick on a film you like and stuff 'em!

Shops are open today. Could him and her go today and get you something?

I’m sorry you feel so unappreciated. To me, the key would be if he does it again.

My DJ is good with gifts but about 3 weeks ago I asked him to put together one gift I had bought for DM, he told me he was a bit busy, so I calmly told him that was ok, I could manage it but I was a bit busy too so he could wrap the presents, write the cards, decorate, do the food shop and make the Christmas food. Unsurprisingly he put together the gift!!!!!

DH!!

@Fbtw

Shops are open today. Could him and her go today and get you something?

I’m sorry you feel so unappreciated. To me, the key would be if he does it again.

No. No no no. I don't want him doing it now. It would be meaningless. It's the thought that counts and he didn't think. At all. I suggested she bake me something. Nothing would mean more to me than her making me something with her own hands

I absolutely wouldn’t give him any presents this year either. And he should be on the sofa, not you.

Did you also say your eldest child doesn’t get you anything? I couldn’t put up with that in an adult, so ungrateful and thoughtless. No presents for them too.

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents. Some people are great at present buying but many are not. You generally have a good relationship and he’s been busy. It’s disappointing but hardly a catastrophe.

My DH is rubbish at presents so if I want something specific I tell him in advance. Otherwise he has no clue.

Fair enough to milk the situation so you can have a nice Xmas but I don’t think it’s worth taking the massive hump over.

This is such a sad post to read, I'm so sorry OP. How do people become so careless and thoughtless? Next Christmas will be different, just stick to your guns. And if no one else is going to treat you, treat yourself. Any jewellery, new clothes, perfume you've been coveting? I think you owe it to yourself.

That's really shit for you and you're response is spot on. However, whilst absolutely no panic bought gift from him, if shops are open where you live then he should take your youngest child shopping for you from her, she doesn't deserve to feel crap because of his ineptitude.

Is he like this with valentine's, mother's Day, your birthday? Or just Christmas?