The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

I think Christmas is for children really. I always tell my husband not to get me anything through fear of what he will get me. Something that I don’t like, waste of money. I buy something for myself, this Christmas a moisturiser. To be honest I have done all the shopping, etc but he has paid for everything and there would be no Christmas for anyone if he hadn’t. Your children could easily have ordered you something off the internet. Sorry I don’t get it but if you don’t work then it is your job. You said he has a stressful job . Why be so mean about it and spoil everyone’s day?

Oh op. I’m so sorry to read this. You have every right to feel the way you do. I’m sure you’ll feel guilty - because that is whatcha mums do. BUT YOU ARE RIGHT. You also have a right to feel this way

Do be sure to tell your kids why you’re now leaving it up to their father to take over the reigns of finalising Xmas as you have already done so much.

My heart just dropped when I read your update that he has already bought resents for his sisters, but not you. So he already went to shops or ordered in mine AND you had already told him gift ideas!!!! That is inexcusable. That is no forgetting. He did gift buying and at the time chose not to buy anything for you

Serious discussions need to be had.

Beautiful flowers wilt and die without nourishment - soil, water, sunlight. His showing you appreciation in your relationship is your sunlight. He’s responsible for this.

Discussions need to take place and significant changes made or Xmas won’t be the only thing suffering will it? I wish you well

Whoops hit post too soon.

I j6st think all this stuff about gifts to show appreciation and gratefulness makes it very duty based. If your kids see it that way it's going to be a chore. What happened to giving in order to bring someone joy, because it feels nice to give etc. He needs to help foster that in the kids. Not giving because you should.

"FGS if she has to stand over them while they order an egift card off a website, that's not a fucking present for the OP, that's just another wife work task on her already far too long list."

Well surely it was for the teen & her Dad to sort out!

As I asked earlier-has the teen been asking her Dad & he*s done nothing or was she waiting for her Dad to suggest?

If the latter then she's as bad as her Dad!

I get it @damnthatanxiety

Time to get angry at him and not seethe in silence. Tell him exactly how you are feeling.
Dont miss anything. If hes half the man you say he us he'll step up.

He's a bit if an idiot for saying he forgot as well once you bought it up , he should of just got up today went out and said he had to pick something up

Is he at work today? If he isn't then tell him to take her to the supermarket or Boots/superdrug and pick something out for you. Shopping is harder for everyone this year.
In future, amazon wish lists are the way to go.
Also, no offence, do you think you might be more emotionally invested in christmas than your family? This might be the time to wind it down a little bit as your children are older now.

Poule you are spectacularly missing the point. The OP shouldn't have to steer her family through this process, by pointing out online retailers etc. It's not about the present itself - it's about them remembering she exists and is important and getting and thinking to do something by themselves. It means nothing if the OP has to direct them!

@Stay123

I think Christmas is for children really. I always tell my husband not to get me anything through fear of what he will get me. Something that I don’t like, waste of money. I buy something for myself, this Christmas a moisturiser. To be honest I have done all the shopping, etc but he has paid for everything and there would be no Christmas for anyone if he hadn’t. Your children could easily have ordered you something off the internet. Sorry I don’t get it but if you don’t work then it is your job. You said he has a stressful job . Why be so mean about it and spoil everyone’s day?

Wow in other words - don’t expect fuck all because he is the bread winner and your just the stay at home mug. Be grateful he pays the bills for you!

Yes OP treat yourself to a nice moisturiser or a new iron, maybe be a swanky new hoover or washing machine to help you with your chores!!

Also you mention that all shops are now shut , if your in a tier 4 area then tbf to your husband he may of been planning to take dd later as you said yourself he has been busy , if not then other shops are open if in england , but even in wales and scotland shops are open that sell chocolates or wine or at least something as you are saying its the gift from your daughter you are upset about

@damnthatanxiety, I think the idea of just stopping is a good one.
They ALL need to start appreciate the work you’ve put in.

If you weren’t in tier 4, I’d suggest to go out for the day today and leave them to it.
Instead, I think you need a day of bath, relaxing time listening to music, reading a book.
And the clear message that no one is allowed to come and see you/ask questions/ request help.

Because let’s be honest, all of them should have been involved at some point in the Christmas preparation, including the meals, decoration of the house etc.... at least enough to realise it doesn’t happen on its own and how much work it is

It's a shame you feel so upset

How would DH feel if you got him nothing? Would he be fine?

Personally I would find the pressure unbearable if my partner thought the gift I chose was a symbol for how much I love and appreciate him.

Either the relationship is good, and you both decide presents are not important, or you both decide that presents are the bit where you define your love for one another, and clearly you are not on the same page regarding this...

I also don't understand why the teen could not order something online

It's a shame for the kids that you have now decided to spoil Christmas by sulking, IMO (maybe I misunderstood? but that's what it sounded your plan is)

Hope it's all ok in the end

I'm going against the grain here. It's somebody's behaviour all the year round that's important. Not just a special effort they make at Christmas.

@JinglePies
I don’t really understand why your youngest couldn’t have got you a present when you took her to the shops to buy something for her father. But anyway.

Because that would make it pointless!! The WHOLE POINT is that DH makes TIME and prioritises going with DC together to put thought into ME! Appreciation et all. If I just do it then it is just another thing I am doing and DH is not putting in any thought or effort. It is NOT about the gift! It is the effort/thought/appreciation. He could have sat with her and ordered online, or made something -anything. Just to show that I matter

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

Also you mention that all shops are now shut , if your in a tier 4 area then tbf to your husband he may of been planning to take dd later as you said yourself he has been busy , if not then other shops are open if in england , but even in wales and scotland shops are open that sell chocolates or wine or at least something as you are saying its the gift from your daughter you are upset about

Nope sorry.

Seeing the situation as it is, you plan early. You use the internet instead if going in a shop (like what 80% of the rest if the population?). And when they tier 4 was amounted, which was NOT yesterday), you very quickly use the Internet.

The tier 4 has nothing to do with the situation.

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

Also you mention that all shops are now shut , if your in a tier 4 area then tbf to your husband he may of been planning to take dd later as you said yourself he has been busy , if not then other shops are open if in england , but even in wales and scotland shops are open that sell chocolates or wine or at least something as you are saying its the gift from your daughter you are upset about

Even in tier 4, supermarkets, M&S and probably farm shop type places that also sell lots of nice chocolates, booze etc are all open.

They sell plenty of items that would be a nice gift.

This is sad, but you were complicit in his lack of effort in previous years by buying your own present and handing it over to him to wrap.

@ChickenyChick

It's a shame you feel so upset

How would DH feel if you got him nothing? Would he be fine?

Personally I would find the pressure unbearable if my partner thought the gift I chose was a symbol for how much I love and appreciate him.

Either the relationship is good, and you both decide presents are not important, or you both decide that presents are the bit where you define your love for one another, and clearly you are not on the same page regarding this...

I also don't understand why the teen could not order something online

It's a shame for the kids that you have now decided to spoil Christmas by sulking, IMO (maybe I misunderstood? but that's what it sounded your plan is)

Hope it's all ok in the end

You have sadly missed the whole point. Not the gift. The thought. The prioritising me for a moment. The creating a little magic for me instead of me doing it for everyone and me not mattering to him, The making me matter and not 'forgotten'. Which is what he actually said. "I forgot'. Please, before you post unkind things about me sulking, try actually reading the posts properly

“He’s been busy “ — I’m sorry, but where does it say that the OP doesn’t work ? And I think the OP’s been a bit busy too don’t you ? Who bought the food , did the house and bought the presents for everyone else - the elf on the sodding shelf ? He had ONE family Christmas related job . ONE . And he fucked it up.

@PoloNeckKnickers

This is sad, but you were complicit in his lack of effort in previous years by buying your own present and handing it over to him to wrap.

Ah yes. It's all my fault. I see now

@damnthatanxiety

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too. I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

That’s fair.

@damnthatanxiety you have described every Christmas I have ever had. I absolutely understand 100%

@Frenchdressing

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents. Some people are great at present buying but many are not. You generally have a good relationship and he’s been busy. It’s disappointing but hardly a catastrophe.

My DH is rubbish at presents so if I want something specific I tell him in advance. Otherwise he has no clue.

Fair enough to milk the situation so you can have a nice Xmas but I don’t think it’s worth taking the massive hump over.

This.

I bet your OH does nice things at other times.

In future decide in September everybody contribute to buy a house present for everybody to share e.g. new tv, new beds, new kitchen equipment, that way everybody is happy.

@Viviennemary

I'm going against the grain here. It's somebody's behaviour all the year round that's important. Not just a special effort they make at Christmas.

I kind of agree only it is really shit to sit around the tree watching everyone smiling and laughing and having a great time and realising that I am supposed to get ALL my happiness from watching my loved ones be happy. I don't deserve that sort of attention I guess

[quote damnthatanxiety]@JinglePies
I don’t really understand why your youngest couldn’t have got you a present when you took her to the shops to buy something for her father. But anyway.

Because that would make it pointless!! The WHOLE POINT is that DH makes TIME and prioritises going with DC together to put thought into ME! Appreciation et all. If I just do it then it is just another thing I am doing and DH is not putting in any thought or effort. It is NOT about the gift! It is the effort/thought/appreciation. He could have sat with her and ordered online, or made something -anything. Just to show that I matter[/quote]
I also don’t see why he couldn’t take her now to get wine and choccies at a supermarket or shop online and do you a lovely handmade IOU.