The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

I think you need to ‘do’ Xmas for your kids sake, then think about how/ where you want your next Christmas to be 💐

If it’s a one off present fail just ask for something nice and get it after Xmas.

If you generally feel Unappreciated then that’s different.

Here’s my two pennies worth. He’s normally kind and a good man? So, get on with Christmas. Don’t do all the work yourself but try to enjoy it and make sure your children enjoy it too (especially the youngest). But have a really good talk after Christmas with your husband to address this properly. It’s mot ok. I also think it’s fine to talk to your children about it and be clear that they need to remember that you deserve to feel valued.

I don’t really understand why your youngest couldn’t have got you a present when you took her to the shops to buy something for her father. But anyway.

It’s also worth remembering that gift giving is more important to some people than others. As is gift receiving! As a teen I planned for months and got my parents at least 6 presents each. My mum was always delighted and touched. My dad was very polite and kind on the day but I know he would have preferred just one present (and been perfectly happy with none!). He’s absolutely amazing - he just doesn’t place much meaning in being given presents!

Anyway. Sounds v tough. I don’t have a single present to open tomorrow either. And yes, it does bother me but my dc really are too small to buy something without someone helping and going to the shops this year has been “challenging”.

BUT I have asked them to draw me a lovely picture and explained that I would like them to put effort and thought into it. They’re delighted to do that for me!

Happy Christmas op. I bet your family love you more than you know. They’re just a bit too focussed on the lovely Christmas you have always provided and don’t see the legwork. I hope you have a good day tomorrow.

I have to admit, I rarely reply to any AIBU posts, but I just need to send you some 💐. What a f*!ing tit!

@rottiemum88

Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

Is he likely to pick up the baton and do a half decent job of cooking/making Christmas Day nice for everyone? Because if he doesn't, then all you're actually going to be doing is creating an even more miserable situation for yourself and your children tomorrow after what's already been a bloody awful year for many, for the sake of making a point to your selfish shit of a husband.

Seriously, in a house with four adults and a teenager, only the wife is responsible for making Christmas Day happen?

Sod that.

I was about to say you were being a little bit unreasonable. Then I saw he gets something for his sisters!!!! So he's entirely capable of getting presents. You're totally right in your actions. How mean and hurtful of him.

I know how you feel. Ex-husbands yearly gifts of perfume showed me the same thing. A complete lack of thought about me. He didn't even know my favourite perfume so I just got whatever was new that year.

I love the idea of the youngest making yousomething, if I open a box of home made brownies, for example, I'd be overjoyed.

I hope this is the wake up call your husband needs, kindness in a marriage is so important. Having someone be busy but still take the time to show they care holds you together.

Can his present to you being cooking the Christmas meal so that you get to relax for the day ? Is your DD old enough to assist him ?

He might put more thought into planning for a present for you if he knows this is the only alternative way open to him of showing how much he appreciates all you do throughout the year.

I feel for you I do.

But

I think you’ve been enabling this behaviour and to suddenly turn around and declare upset seems unfair. I used to be an enabler and possibly still an- I have read about it this past year & listened to podcasts which have been a great help.

You say you he’s always done it. You’ve set the precedent that it’s ok. You haven’t taught your grown up children or even older teen that it’s the thought not the gift. You’ve helped them buy the gifts. Wrapped them etc. They’re all very capable.

Your teen is capable of asking for some money or help, writing a lovely poem or similar.

If you feel like you do it all- then delegate tasks.

Your husband- why didn’t you forewarn him in November that previous Christmas’ you’ve felt let down and the most meaningful thing this year is to know he’s thought and bought a gift in advance.

He’s done what he has always done. And now Xmas sounds slightly like you’ll have the hump.

I fully understand and appreciate you feel exhausted and deflated. Many peoples DH’s produce lovely gifts. I’m yet to find a DH who planned a gift. All exes gave me lazy last minute gifts and I too spend time choosing peoples presents, make sure they’re meaningful etc. It’s why I’m not settled I believe.

My honest opinion - say to him you don’t want a last minute gift. But for him to plan a weekend away, for him to help over Christmas and for you all to appreciate and enjoy your time together over Christmas. Many a family are apart and gifts don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

OP you’ve every right to feel upset I’ve been there and yes you have been taken for granted.

He might be busy but he certainly knows it’s Christmas and in your family you all swop gifts.

When I was with ex for the first 6 years he bought me amazing gifts, iPads, jewellery, gold leaf Easter eggs but it tailed off till Valentine’s Day and anniversary’s were forgotten, one Christmas he got me this weird hamper from Costco that he clearly bought on Christmas Eve when he went to get some meat in a panic. One year I got nothing as he’d also forgot but he’d remembered to get each of his staff a Christmas present and his dad a bottle of expensive whisky.

However you might find that this is only a small snippet of a greater issue that in general your always bottom of the priority list . Not just did gifts but for every thing else too.

Have a good think about where he has placed you on that list and where you have placed yourself in that list too. This wouldn’t have happened over night.

If I was you - today I’d go and treat yourself to something really expensive. Sod him.

Totally shit OP. Poor you. You’re right that a panic present wouldn’t help. I still remember the year that the only present my selfish FIL got for MIL was a bottle of Brandy from the local garage which he bought on Christmas Eve.

I’d make the food for Christmas Day so that it isn’t completely spoiled, but spend the rest of the time doing things just for you. And make them all do all the dishes.

Christmas is one day and will be over soon.

You have a new year to start changing things.

Number one is to start prioritising yourself.

Dig your dirty feet into the earth and make yourself important.
Don;t give attention to your OH when he disregards you.
Don't facilitate him until he recognises your importance.
Most of all treat yourself as if you matter..
Don;t be complicit in making yourself the bottom of the pile.

I get how you feel op, but let him take the teen out and buy something this morning. It wouldn't have hurt your older dcs to ask him if he's done this tbh. I always buy myself my main present then give it to dd to wrap then dh goes and panic buys bits.

Is he a good man in other ways? Generally a good husband and father? I wouldn't spoil Christmas over this, it's shit but not the end of the world.

I'm sorry, OP. You deserve as much consideration from your family as you show to them. I hope that everyone shares the load in your household from now on .

Stick to your guns OP. Sometimes an ultimatum like this is needed. I am so sorry

Sorry to hear it, OP. My husband has been the same in the past, no birthday present, anniversary present, etc. However as with yours, he is a good man and I know he loves me! I lost my shit at him last birthday when I received another ‘iou’ and nothing from the kids except for the birthday cards that I asked them to write for me the night before.

I have noticed a flurry of activity this Christmas and - fingers crossed - think he has learnt his lesson 😀

Hopefully this will be your husband’s wake-up call. If it is, please do let him make amends this Christmas. Yes he has been lazy and inconsiderate, but if he manages to change, I’d be forgiving and rewarding any new, good behaviours.

I’m not saying this is the case for you, but in our house, I had let myself become overlooked as I had said I didn’t mind when people didn’t get presents etc - and at the time, I really didn’t, we were all busy, etc, etc, but then I reached a crunch point when I cared, very much. Obviously he should have kept being considerate, but I’m happy that I lost my shit at him and made him realise - I don’t think I will be forgotten about again!

Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

@Alexa1990 he hasn't always been like this. If you re-read my OP, I say he used to buy me lovely gifts. It's just slipped in recent years. Teen DC does make me things and is just lovely. She's a girl if that makes any difference. Although I know mums who have sons who treat them like queens. 😢. He and I even discussed taking her to the shops. I even gave him suggestions of where to take her (space nk has cute little Christmas treats). He just 'forgot'.

He didn't forget. He didn't prioritise it. He thought you'd understand like you always do.

TBH this year is already so shit, I'd hold it together for the kids, but he's on notice. He fucking puts you at the top of the list for a change or I'd be going on strike.

&SATSmadness
“Can his present to you being cooking the Christmas meal”
No!! How is cooking the Christmas meal a “present”??? Maybe he could give her a little treat and “babysit” the children while he’s at it?! (I know, they’re too old to need a babysitter).

GOOD GRIEF.

He's been shit. Manages to 'remember' his sisters but not you, so he has had time, he just didn't bother.

You can still enjoy the kids and other Christmas bits but he can cook, clear up, do everything that's normally 'your job'. Best way he can learn a little appreciation.

A strong chat after Christmas to make it crystal clear this never happening again.

Teenagers generally have money and capacity to go to shops by themselves or order things online and why are you not even mentioning your older sons and their crap behaviour?
You've enabled them ALL to ignore your needs. This hasn't only happened this year. Your husband is crap and so are all your kids. How sad. My DS is 12 and has bought me a nice candle which he chose and paid for himself.

Oh I'm so annoyed for you - why the hell don't you count too?!

I think verbally making your point will probably work. I remember my sister and i once failed to get anything for my DM for Mother's Day. The guilt was laid on reeeeeeally thick and we never forgot again! I'd let them make amends this time.

Well he is an arse.
I agree that a reminded gift is no gift.
Words fail me.