The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

The first time you bought your own present, this day was coming. He is complacent and he doesn't think he needs to try anymore. Keep making it clear this isn't good enough. Expect flowers for valentines, anniversaries, birthdays. Make it very clear what you expect going forward and never ever buy your own present again

I think you’re going a step too far re sulking, in my opinion Christmas is for kids and not so much for the parents, you should try putting on a brave face for your teen. Treat yourself to something nice after Christmas, if you have the funds. This Christmas is going to be bad enough for everyone not being able to see relatives and friends, having someone sulk all day isn’t going to help.

OP, I’m with you. He clearly needs a massive kick up the arse, and it wont do your older kids any harm to learn the value of consideration and respect within marriage.

YANBU.
I'd tell him to go fuck himself.

OP - he needs to take her ,even if just to the supermarket , to get you something . It’s not just the impact on you but her too - it’s been a horrible year - don’t let her feel responsible for this .

Christmas is just as much about parents especially as DC are young adults. It would be different if they were young children.
Are the children incapable of walking to any shops at all? I would be annoyed at DC too tbh

Completely unacceptable behaviour

I bet they'd all manage to buy something they wanted themselves

This is the year they learn to think of others . Stick to your guns and enjoy some well earned time off . Hide the remote too !

He and I even discussed taking her to the shops. I even gave him suggestions of where to take her (space nk has cute little Christmas treats). He just 'forgot'

This is really important and puts the situation into context. I was thinking you were being a bit U until I read this. You discussed it with him. You gave him suggestions. This is something that usually happens, it’s not a new thing. He admitted he forgot.

YANBU OP and I’m not sure what the answer is. A frank discussion about being taken for granted and feeling let down / unappreciated. If you think it will make any difference.

This is all very sad, but ordering on Amazon Prime last night would have got a delivery today. DD could ( and still can) have got a present for you from a supermarket, or even the corner shop ( chocolate/wine).
Don't make out to you DD it's OK when it isn't, she can ask DH or older siblings to take her shopping, even now.
And make it very clear that you will not be cooking Christmas dinner, and that they will need to sort it out.. Don't be passive aggressive about it, say it straightforwardly. You can help with directions if requested, but they can look it up if they have to. Get yourself some thing nice to do, and then go and do it. Put your feet up. It will be very hard if you are used to running the show, but give them the opportunity to take charge. By "them", I mean all of them, all the adults and the teen.

I will be sending you a special thought tomorrow, OP.
X

You know what ? I hate that bloody word ‘sulk’ . It’s dismissive and diminishing of her feelings , which are genuinely held .The OP is allowed to be damn well upset if she wants to be . As I would be . The lack of present is just a symbol, it’s the total absence of thought from her idiot husband that’s the real issue , and who wouldn’t be upset about that ?

The 4 adults in the house are perfectly capable of sorting out dinner between them ( why should it be entirely down to her anyway ?) and I highly doubt that the OP herself will be hell bent on spoiling the day for her kids . Maybe the DH can contemplate his behaviour whilst peeling potatoes and how he can do better., without his wife having to do all the thinking for him. I’ll bet he manages to work entirely by himself .

Many men across the country will be in the shops today
How old is your dd and why can she not get to any shop herself ?

Has the teen been asking her Dad for help & he has done nothing?

I have bought my own present this year for dh to wrap
Only because we don't normally do presents for each other but I mentioned without thinking I had got him a gift , tickers for upcoming match that we would of got anyway if we could
When he realised he panicked and said he thought he better go out so I said I had. Bought myself some boots that were due to arrive and he can wrap them, ( only so we both exchange something in front of family ) otherwise neither of us bothers as the expense is too much

Right. Firstly he has been an arse over the years there's no deying that. However, (and you won't be the first or last this season) this is a classic case of Christmas Martyrdom. If you knew he was going to be this useless, why wait until Christmas Eve to pull the Woe is Me card? You could have been clear (not just suggestions, actually tell him) from November that you expect more effort/any effort this year, or you wouldn't even get the decorations out never mind cook/sort anything else. Instead, you've evidently been sitting on this so you can punish everyone at the last moment for not using their psychic powers and realise how badly their lack of effort was upsetting you.

I understand your hurt and anger. I do think yabu deciding a couple of days before Christmas was the best time to fully let it out.

Why does everyone assume the OP lives somewhere where there is public transport or shops within walking distance?
Re online shopping, do most teens have debit cards these days? (I'm old).

Aw bless, you're not alone. I think it is best, with spouses, for them to write a wish list or just say what they would like for Christmas. It's easy enough nowadays to point it out online and then the spouse can purchase it - it will arrive in his name so he'll know what it is, and can wrap it. Easy peasy!

So you’ve spent however many years facilitating Christmas for everyone and then you are surprised when they expect you to do exactly what you’ve done every other year?

I do think that you are more invested in Christmas than your family. Doesn’t mean the situation is okay - you’re clearly not happy - but it’s not a surprise, is it?

@Bonsai49

OP - he needs to take her ,even if just to the supermarket , to get you something . It’s not just the impact on you but her too - it’s been a horrible year - don’t let her feel responsible for this .

Not sure I agree with this. How old is she exactly? Tbh, I'd expect even a 13 year old to be able to sort her Mum a present, and to get someone to take her if she really can't get to any shop under her own steam. Or to use the internet, with the help of a card-owning adult. Don't they discuss presents together? I know my boys will talk about what to get family members, it's not like Christmas arrived out of the blue like an unexpected announcement. I suspect this is the result of a history of no-one else bothering to do anything, and you not making a fuss. Hopefully an almighty fuss this year will result in them all being more thoughtful next year.

@PoulePouletteEternellement

(Correction)

He and I even discussed taking her to the shops. I even gave him suggestions of where to take her (space nk has cute little Christmas treats). He just 'forgot'.

You seem quite focussed on your daughter having to be 'taken to the shops'. Is there a reason why your family cannot use the Internet to order things? SpaceNk offers online shopping. It would have taken five minutes. Also instant e-gift cards. Here:

www.spacenk.com/uk/gifts/gift-cards/space-nk-christmas-e-gift-card-MUK200020227.html

Show your family ...

FGS if she has to stand over them while they order an egift card off a website, that's not a fucking present for the OP, that's just another wife work task on her already far too long list.

This is where you realise presents are about thought and not money

^^ This, a thousand times over. If the giver hasn't gone to the effort of choosing, buying and wrapping a present, it's not a present, it's a charade.

There's no point whatsoever in telling people to 'buy me X item from Y shop' or sending links, or buying and wrapping their own present and pretending it is from their spouse or whoever for Christmas, because it really isn't. If you don't know what to buy and worry about getting it wrong, just stick to token presents that mean something to you within your relationship.

OP, there are five people in your house that are capable of 'doing Christmas'. It sounds like the other 4, guided by your DH, need to do the rest of this one. I'd spend the next 2 days relaxing and let them produce Christmas lunch tomorrow. If they don't, just make yourself a plate of easy food (cheese, seafood, nibbles, etc) and retire out of the way with a drink and a book. .

Well done for finally drawing a line and sticking to it.
Many mothers don’t talk enough about the things that matter to them, so their wants get marginalised and forgotten. Because ‘she won’t mind.’
I agree that your adult children need to step up, I have two living at home and they take responsibility for elements of Christmas, as well as other stuff through the year. It’s not all been on me for years.

@Aquamarine1029

I'm so sorry you're feeling sad, but well done for telling him exactly how you feel and refusing to be taken advantage of. What was his response?

This!

It's unacceptable and I hope he makes it up to you.
xxx

Being forgotten must be shit. But I don't understand why your teen didn't go to her dad and ask him to take her to get you something. It's strange. They both forgot.

@moonlightfkitwick most places have a shoo or something near by or that you have at least passed in last month
Also has adult dc , not sure how old younger dc is though

Also. Doesn’t the teen go to school? Couldn’t she have gone into town from school after school a day?

It’s not all the husbands fault. All of them have been arses.