The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

*I

I have a friend with adult dc. She was always overlooked. It hurt but the one year when it hurt too much was the year her adult son bought his girlfriends mum a present yet nothing for his own mum.
It seems that in families where the mother is overlooked by her partner, or tries not to make an issue of expecting gifts, the dc learn to overlook her too, even if the mother tries to teach them the importance of appreciation and thoughtful gifts.
It’s very sad and the solution in these situations seems to be to raise your own expectations and make it clear.

I'm sorry. Maybe you should be a bit more like his sisters? How do they make sure he shows his appreciation to them?

He and I even discussed taking her to the shops. I even gave him suggestions of where to take her (space nk has cute little Christmas treats). He just 'forgot'.

You seem quite focussed on your daughter having to be 'taken to the shops'. Is there a reason why your family cannot use the Internet to order things? SpaceNk offers online shopping. It would have taken five minutes. Also instant e-gift cards. Here:

www.spacenk.com/uk/gifts/gift-cards/space-nk-christmas-e-gift-card-MUK200020227.html

Show your family ...

"He didn't forget. He didn't prioritise it. He thought you'd understand like you always do. "

Spot on. DH did this once for my birthday. I spent the day thinking there must be something, a card even but no.

Anyway I had a good rant. He hasn't done it since. Speak up for yourself.

This story is being repeated in households all over, op. I agree you are right to address it, or it won’t change.

Do whatever you need to do for yourself to enjoy the next few days with your family. I hope this Christmas is his wake up call (and possibly for your adult dc too) and is never to be repeated.

Here are some for you. xx

Is he likely to pick up the baton and do a half decent job of cooking/making Christmas Day nice for everyone? Because if he doesn't, then all you're actually going to be doing is creating an even more miserable situation for yourself and your children tomorrow after what's already been a bloody awful year for many, for the sake of making a point to your selfish shit of a husband.

Bollocks to that. DH and 2 adult children but OP is going to ruin Christmas? Well good. It should be ruined for them

OP, I'd probably do something with your youngest and just leave the others to their own devices. Or cook what you'd planned and just serve up for you and your DD.

His sisters have presents because otherwise they raise hell? You can do the same

(Correction)

He and I even discussed taking her to the shops. I even gave him suggestions of where to take her (space nk has cute little Christmas treats). He just 'forgot'.

You seem quite focussed on your daughter having to be 'taken to the shops'. Is there a reason why your family cannot use the Internet to order things? SpaceNk offers online shopping. It would have taken five minutes. Also instant e-gift cards. Here:

www.spacenk.com/uk/gifts/gift-cards/space-nk-christmas-e-gift-card-MUK200020227.html

Show your family ...

I totally understand. It is the thought that goes into it and not necessarily the actual gift itself.

My XH would always get me gifts but as time went on the actual thought and love with those gifts diminished.

When he got with the OW, the gifts he purchased her (l could see what he was buying as he hadn't changed his passwords on anything) - l would have cried tears of joy over had l received them.

It was at that moment that l realised, it wasn't that he was a bit crap etc - he KNEW what to buy... but he didnt love, care or respect me enough and hadn't for years.

Bizarrely l took comfort in seeing what he purchased her as it made me realise that when l was told l was ungrateful and over reacting previously .... l actually wasn't - l just wasn't a priority for him any longer

Definitely don't lift a finger for the rest of Xmas - everyone else can rustle up the Xmas dinner (and tidying up!). I've never cooked Xmas dinner in my life, and my family have managed just fine for the last 22 years. My DH has always done it, and the kids got roped in to help as soon as they were old enough.

Have a think what you'd really love to do for the day, that would involve you just lounging around and being lazy for the day - what films would you love to watch, any crafting projects you'd love to do, any good books to read, nice walks?

If they don't end up cooking anything, then you just eat whatever you want and don't offer to get them anything (what's your loveliest favourite thing to eat, that doesn't really involve cooking?). One of the reasons I've never cooked Xmas dinner is because I'd be quite happy with a sandwich and my DH knows this - he knows if he ever wants any kind of roast dinner, he has to cook it himself.

Do you all live under a rock? Amazon is your friend. Put Amazon on your DH's 'Favourites' on his lap top then all he has to do is 'click'.

If your youngest was taken by you to get something for their father, could they not have got something for you at the same time?
It sounds like your youngest has forgotten to remind your DH to take them to the shops as much as your DH has forgotten to get something for you himself?
Could your youngest not get a gift online?
When you say I don't want them spending lots on me, I wonder if the message they are getting is that you don't matter or value yourself much in these situations.
You DH hasn't got you anything, your teen has relied on your DH to remember to take them to the shops but hasn't remembered themselves to remind DH they need a lift, and hasn't gone online, and one of your young adult children is "better than the other".
That's not saying much about how they show their love at gift exchanging occasions.
I'm so sorry OP.
I wish you a loving christmas

@CodenameVillanelle

Teenagers generally have money and capacity to go to shops by themselves or order things online and why are you not even mentioning your older sons and their crap behaviour? You've enabled them ALL to ignore your needs. This hasn't only happened this year. Your husband is crap and so are all your kids. How sad. My DS is 12 and has bought me a nice candle which he chose and paid for himself.

Why is the behaviour of the dh the fault of the op? And how is a lifetime of taking (enabling?) your dc to choose and buy gifts for your dh on special occasions enabling them to be crap at gift buying and thoughtful behaviour?

Don’t blame the op here.

@Fbtw

That’s true. Santa asked my daughter for my email address yesterday somehow.

Let the teen make amends (and she will feel terrible so let her go with her dad) and sit down with your DH after Christmas and have a proper chat.

Go where? tier 4. The supermarket???

Op I’m sorry- yes perhaps misread your initial post.

It’s sad and I feel genuinely sorry for you. It’s horrid to feel like you put all the Christmas effort in and it isn’t reciprocated or at least a special gift bought.

I don’t really know what the answer is other than try and enjoy this family Christmas and in the new year work out what can be done to avoid this happening. Or the root cause of it (complacency etc).

Ps- if you like wine I suggest starting early on a nice bottle of fizz!

The youngest is a teen.

The op took her to get her dad a present.

What’s to have stopped the child saying dad gimme some money so I can get mums present today.

Nothing wrong with a big supermarket for present buying.

Or there’s gift cards. Vouchers. E vouchers.

Because if he doesn't, then all you're actually going to be doing is creating an even more miserable situation for yourself and your children tomorrow after what's already been a bloody awful year for many, for the sake of making a point to your selfish shit of a husband.

Fuck me, there are four adults in the house and it’s still mums sole responsibility to sort Christmas out. Is that something having a penis prevents you from doing then?

That is utterly shit.

I had the very same thing a few years back, except that DH and I had just bought a cheapish camera and said that would be our Christmas present to each other. Fine but I then bought him gifts from the DC because they were too young but he didn't bother and I got precisely nothing to open.

That year his dad and his dragon of a wife, sent a Christmas card to DH and the DC to be opened on Christmas morning with an invitation to a special party but without me!!! I'm NC with them now!
So yeah, I know how you feel

Hmm ... You've ignored every question about Internet shopping.

So I'll assume none of your family has access to the means to shop online ...

I would get him to take the teen to buy something even if it's Tesco chocs because she feels bad. And I would tell him that your Christmas present from him (and the older DC if they haven't got anything for you) is that you don't loft a finger from now til boxing day so it won't be you doing the food prep and cooking.

i think they should go out today, plenty of people go shopping on Christmas eve, dont be a martyr.
your dc will be upset

Well I think all of the adults and children in your house have been rather rubbish. Your youngest is old enough to arrange with her father to take her to the shops or presumably she can use the internet and could have got him to order something?

I have made it a big part of christmas that my children buy presents for each other and us their parents, obviously I give them a budget and they get help from us but they really enjoy picking out nice gifts.

My DH isn't great at choosing presents for me and I am difficult to buy for so I just choose my own and let him know what he has bought me.

I wouldn't personally sulk over christmas but I would have strong words with all your children as well. And they need to learn about the importance of giving for when they have relationships in the future.

Two issues: the fundamental about your relationship

: the practical bit about your teen getting you a present. Internet? She could have got you something when you went to get him a present. Surely as a teenager she can sort something herself- must be a shop within bus distance? Don’t blame him for your children not thinking about you