The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

Also from OP's posts, if she were passive aggressive to him, as his sisters are, she'd have been bought a present.

But is this what she wants? - to get a gift through being passive-aggressive? I would hate to get a present because someone was scared of my reaction if I didn't, rather than that they genuinely wanted to give me the present. Shame on the sisters, in my opinion. And it may be that one reason why dh is so rubbish with gifts is because he's learned growing up in his family to associate gifts with negative emotions and passive-aggressive pressures. Not an excuse, now that he's married for nearly 30 years with grown-up kids of his own; but not something to be replicated.

@Ihatefish

This is really sad. But my fear is I’m a bit like your DH. I can’t be doing with material stuff. 99% of it seems crap. It’s a massive effort to present buy, I take absolutely no joy from it. It’s probably one of the most stressful things in my life (and I suffer from ptsd for context) I hate hate shopping thank fuck for Amazon tbh. I keep thinking I really must get something then bang it’s Christmas week.I’m really really not fussed about presents. My DH on the other hand sounds a little like you. Shopping since October, lots of little bits, Christmas jumper, Christmas music. Every year I fear like shit -I usually compensate by just spending lots of cash on fuck knows what, I struggle to buy anything, because I can’t see the point in most of the things for sale. My presents end up utilitarian.

But I love my DH to bits, I’d be devastated if he judged me on my shit present buying. You’ve explained how you feel. He’s probably dying inside. What about you suggest a voucher going forward? Or just no presents? Tbh if it was that important I’d have a word with your older kids to help your teen with presents

Nice post. Thanks, you are probably right

Your posts are sad to read and I am sorry that you are feeling the way that you do.
I agree with other posters in saying that tomorrow is not the day to run it in your family's faces, however, rest assured that as you open your beautiful, thoughtful and loving gifts from your youngest, there will be much squirming on your sofas from the others.

Going forward, a long chat with your husband about feeling valued is needed .

'Rub' not 'run.'

The thing is she's had lots of chats and it hasn't made any difference.

Thats both unforgivable and unacceptable.

Leave him to the kitchen tomorrow, completely.

I'm crap at thinking of anything to buy DH, Niche hobbies, doesn't drink, WFH.

But I always ensure there are a few things for him to unwrap
on the day and do not get offended if he asks to return them. I've actually managed a few much appreciated successes over the years as an added bonus.

It is about making the effort that isn't something grabbed from the garage at closing time Christmas Eve.

@Ihatefish @damnthatanxiety but that’s completely different. You give it some thought. You make an effort to use Amazon. You are actually thinking about your family and care enough to prompt yourself into making an effort. No one is judging the end result. It’s demonstrating that you care enough to overcome the stress and try. The OP’s DH “forgot”.

@Brefugee

I genuinely think that gift-giving can be quite hard for men. I have/had a household of 5 of them!!

FFS, i presume that if one of these 5 is your DH the rest are your sons - i hope you aren't bringing them up to be useless fuckers of partners in the future.

How is gift giving difficult for men? Does their penis get in the way of their big manly hands when they're shopping? I read some tosh on here but this is among the worst of it.

I suggest you read my full post before and then jump off that high horse.

I genuinely think that gift-giving can be quite hard for men. I have/had a household of 5 of them!!

I'm sorry but this is utter tosh. Its right up there with "men can't sort washing", "men can't cook" and "men can't scrub the loo" because their special little blue brains are so full of much more important stuff.

If they care, they can do it. Nobody taught me to select presents, remember what people like, plan things in advance - it was expected and I put the effort in.

When men don't do this its because they have been raised to think of it as somebody else's job and don't care enough about their nearest and dearest when someone else isn't there to do it for them.

After 30 years of marriage there is no excuse for it.

It is actually possible to have conversations with your partners to discuss present buying
-“ what are we getting the kids?” “ have you got any idea what you might like “ “ have you seen anything “? “ I’ve seen this nice thing I’d like” - send links to items in the right size, create an amazon wish list. Hell would actually freeze over though before I ever bought and wrapped my own present because that’s the point you’re saying you don’t matter. You can raise your own status within the family by including yourself in the conversation. I’m sorry that this is your experience this year.

@C8H10N4O2

I genuinely think that gift-giving can be quite hard for men. I have/had a household of 5 of them!!

I'm sorry but this is utter tosh. Its right up there with "men can't sort washing", "men can't cook" and "men can't scrub the loo" because their special little blue brains are so full of much more important stuff.

If they care, they can do it. Nobody taught me to select presents, remember what people like, plan things in advance - it was expected and I put the effort in.

When men don't do this its because they have been raised to think of it as somebody else's job and don't care enough about their nearest and dearest when someone else isn't there to do it for them.

After 30 years of marriage there is no excuse for it.

I have been married almost 40 years and I can assure you that all my sons and my husband do gift-giving, they have been trained by me to do it. They also do all the other things you mention.

I didn't say they didn't do it I said they found it hard....to get the ideal gift. I find it relatively easy for other women, but harder for men, despite all the practice.

"they have been trained by me to do it."

Why did they need "training"?

@diddl

"they have been trained by me to do it."

Why did they need "training"?

Because they were very young once!

My DH was already well trained by his mum, and he always made sure the kids had gifts for me when they were younger, but the training was for what they bought, as in Amazon wishlist suggestions, rather than all stuff I wasn't fussed about. They all do a 'surprise' gift though, which are usually great now.

I have been married almost 40 years and I can assure you that all my sons and my husband do gift-giving, they have been trained by me to do it. They also do all the other things you mention

Why did they need training and why was it your job? My (adult) sons sort out their own gift giving just as well as their sisters. I didn't train them but we did set expectations that it was all their responsibilities to think of others, not just the girls.

I didn't say they didn't do it I said they found it hard....to get the ideal gift. I find it relatively easy for other women, but harder for men, despite all the practice

And that was the point of my response. I think its tosh that men find it harder, they just have a handy cop out in the form of low expectations and women who do it for them.

In the current world where you can buy pretty much anything to be delivered in a day or two there is ZERO excuse to not get a gift. What's the excuse for buying loads of crap? Does anyone need a scented candle? A Pandora charm? Some celebrity promoted perfume? Have a walk round when the dustmen are due next week and look at the bins overflowing with the wrappings and think if the bins are overflowing with sparkly paper how much "stuff" that no one needs is in those houses.

It is no wonder the world is in crisis.

@Ihatefish,
I think the difference between you and the DH is that I’m assuming you’ve always found it hard. Whereas her DH hasnt. He was actually quite good at it.

It also doesn’t explain why he failed to take his dd shopping even though she reminded him. Or why she didn’t push him and did something creative instead. My teens would have pestered DH when she seemed to just accept it wasn’t going to happen (which makes me think he has form).

@ancientgran, we never buy crap and you won’t find our bin full of unwanted presents.
It doesn’t stop us from giving thoughtful gifts to each other’s. We also help each other with some wish list (not on amazon).

Same with my parents and PIL.

You can still have them delivered by amazon in a day or two (as experinced by ds when his gift didnt turn up)

[quote TonMoulin]@Ihatefish,
I think the difference between you and the DH is that I’m assuming you’ve always found it hard. Whereas her DH hasnt. He was actually quite good at it.

It also doesn’t explain why he failed to take his dd shopping even though she reminded him. Or why she didn’t push him and did something creative instead. My teens would have pestered DH when she seemed to just accept it wasn’t going to happen (which makes me think he has form).[/quote]

The OP said he asked her father repeatedly.

Then when he didn't take her, instead of giving her mum nothing she's apparently put a lot of time into making gifts for her.

I don't think the DD is at fault here.

The reality is the DH for years managed to get nice gifts but over time "has forgotten" how to do it.

He's not incapable nor is he really thoughtless (he can get gifts for his sisters) he just can't be arsed to do it for his wife - despite the fact she puts a huge amount of effort in Christmas for all the family to enjoy (including him).

It takes hardly any time to order something nice online.

DH is hard to buy for but I "listen out" during the year for things he mentions he likes and make a note so I have ideas for Christmas and birthdays.

It's not about a big expensive gift.

It's about someone taking the time to choose something personal to you - it shows you know them, listen to them and care about making them happy.

@ancientgran

What's the excuse for buying loads of crap? Does anyone need a scented candle? A Pandora charm? Some celebrity promoted perfume?

None of those things are crap. They might not be your taste of mine but thoughtfully chose gifts give plenty of enjoyment to recipients.

He's dropped the ball. You do deserve the thought and you should get the best gifts. It's a dynamic that feels very real and familiar to a lot of us. Not up to you to fix it. How he responds now and whether he can show some care and effort for you without being told what to do will be telling x

Is it just me?! Haven't RTFT but my DH hasn't got me anything really (he tried to get me a new garmin but spoilt the surprise by accident a few weeks ago and I gently said to cancel it as I don't need it) and all he has from me is a pair of slipper socks - his main pressie is delayed due to covid + Brexit apparently.

Anyway my point being, at 40, I really don't need presents from him to know I'm loved. Everything under the tree is for our child!

So don't be so hard on your DH.

@whereisthejoy

Is it just me?! Haven't RTFT but my DH hasn't got me anything really (he tried to get me a new garmin but spoilt the surprise by accident a few weeks ago and I gently said to cancel it as I don't need it) and all he has from me is a pair of slipper socks - his main pressie is delayed due to covid + Brexit apparently.

Anyway my point being, at 40, I really don't need presents from him to know I'm loved. Everything under the tree is for our child!

So don't be so hard on your DH.

I see you haven’t read the thread but unlike the op’s husband yours has shown you that he has thought about you by choosing three separate things (from what I’ve seen in your post) that he thought you would like even if it turned out that you didn’t need something or it’s been delayed etc he has tried to show you he cared enough and that you are important enough to him to try.

We both found it hard to buy for each other, after 50 years it should be easier but it became harder. One year we decided to each buy our own present and wrap it then on CHristmas Day the surprise was in what we were giving, not receiving! Even then however he couldn't think of something to buy himself!

@Ginkypig sorry I meant his main present from me is delayed - he doesn't have a back up pressie. He says I'm too difficult to buy for

I place very little importance on gifts for me (maybe because I acknowledge this/don't need anything) but love to spoil others. That said, DH told me tonight he hasn't got me a card as he forgot. I used to place enormous importance on cards however can't get worked up about this - we have a lot going on and there are more important things to worry about than presents.

Oh and @Ginkypig I got him the slipper socks. He has nothing for me x