The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

@WizardOfAus, damned if SNL and Kristen Wiig haven't outdone themselves again. Sorry, @damnthatanxiety. It's a shit feeling isn't it?Your plan for self care sounds like the way to go xx

See, I think with that you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face, slightly.

However, I get why you’re doing it.

My DH and I don't really do gifts, usually a last minute offering vaguely linked to some suggestions we've discussed previously. Usually we use the excuse that we'll focus on each other after Xmas but it honestly doesn't happen.

The key here though is that we talk about it and have a mutual understanding about it. If DH just did this without the conversation then I'd be really upset and feel the same as you.

Not being appreciated is the worst feeling. Well done for voicing your feelings, stick to your guns and let DH sort it all out. Then he should have a new found appreciation for everything you do.

@damnthatanxiety

I am sorry to hear you situation. I hope you are ok and feeling to love from MN.

Why? Because it’s utter BS he forgot and even if that is true you remember important things. It is important not the value just the thought so forgetting is the worse think as it’s utter lies and you know it.

If I were you I would cook the lunch for xmas day so it’s not ruined but would not nothing else. Insist on watching what you want or that the TV is off if you want to read.

I hope he licks the dishes and house clean and takes down all the decorations when that time comes.

I am so angry on your behalf. What a lazy bastard.

So has he totally forgotten it's Christmas? Because Christmas = presents.

DH is also crap with presents (not stingy just no idea what to get me) after a few duds I now just tell him exactly what to get me.

I don't think he's forgotten. It's pretty bloody hard to forget Christmas with it being EVERYWHERE. More like he couldn't be bothered like my DH for my 50th but that's a different story

You’ve done the right thing op but I think you should let them go out and try to rectify the situation. its a lesson learned and surely it would still mean something that they feel pretty awful right now and want to try to make amends?
Don’t stop them.
See what they do.

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents.

This isn't about presents. It's about consideration and being made to feel that you're appreciated. There are many ways her husband could have achieved this yet he's not done any of them.

@Frenchdressing

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents. Some people are great at present buying but many are not. You generally have a good relationship and he’s been busy. It’s disappointing but hardly a catastrophe.

My DH is rubbish at presents so if I want something specific I tell him in advance. Otherwise he has no clue.

Fair enough to milk the situation so you can have a nice Xmas but I don’t think it’s worth taking the massive hump over.

But it's not the gifts or lack of. It's the complete lack of prioritising me and just 'forgetting'. And that extends into taking our youngest to the shops so she can get something for me which I see as a parenting role to help foster the whole 'show appreciation to our mother' thing as the DC grow up. He always gets something for his sisters as he wouldn't want to upset them. Just not me apparently

Your family sounds like a bunch of lazy self interested arses, frankly.

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents. Some people are great at present buying but many are not. You generally have a good relationship and he’s been busy. It’s disappointing but hardly a catastrophe

It's not the actual presents it's the lack of thought. No consideration of what OP might like or treating her because he loves her & thinks of her as more than wife/mother

@Planet42

You’ve done the right thing op but I think you should let them go out and try to rectify the situation. its a lesson learned and surely it would still mean something that they feel pretty awful right now and want to try to make amends? Don’t stop them. See what they do.

But it's not just this Christmas. It's all celebrations. He used to be great. Now not 😢

Okay, your husband is pointless and brings no joy to your life.

But where on earth do you live that your two adult children couldn't assist the teen (if they don't have their own bank cards perhaps) to order something online? Do they not speak to each other? Particularly given that they must know how useless your husband is.

Even today your children could organise a gift from the youngest one - lots of shops do e-vouchers for instance. (I know it's not the same as unwrapping something.)

Was the teen afraid to ask for whatever help they needed? Or just heedless?

It does sound as if meaningful communication is ... problematic, in your family. But I hope you'll have a peaceful few days, if nothing else.

And 'too busy' Is never an excuse these days with Amazon!!

This is where you realise presents are about thought and not money.

It’s about how you feel not what it is and he needs to really understand how you now feel.

@Palatka

I don't think he's forgotten. It's pretty bloody hard to forget Christmas with it being EVERYWHERE. More like he couldn't be bothered like my DH for my 50th but that's a different story

Forgotten/can't be arsed. Same thing really.

Not nice. I can understand why you are hurt. Let him go out today and make amends, put a pin in it over christmas and address this in the new year

That’s true. Santa asked my daughter for my email address yesterday somehow.

Let the teen make amends (and she will feel terrible so let her go with her dad) and sit down with your DH after Christmas and have a proper chat.

I'm going to go against the grain here OP and say put it to one side now.

With everything going on this year, it's important to make the most of your time on this earth and the ones you love.

Put all the thoughts and feelings in a box mentally and try to do Christmas as normal. Then afterwards speak properly to your DH.

Tell him in words of one syllable how you expect birthdays, Mothers Day and Christmas to be conducted. Tell him he's on last chance saloon. If MD and your birthday don't show improvement, then book a holiday away next Christmas just for you.

Your older kids couldn't be arsed to get you anything either??
What has gone so wrong that you are so unappreciated in your family?

Am I the only one hoping DH/DC are playing a little trick and they've got a lovely treat planned for you on Christmas Day?

(Here speaking a very cynical individual btw, maybe the Christmas spirit has finally caught up with me...)

I'm with you OP, no one forgets it's Christmas, reminders are everywhere you look.
Your DH is a lazy arse and you deserve better treatment, it's the thought not the value of the present.
Like the saying goes "it's the thought that counts"
Stick to your guns 💐

Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

Is he likely to pick up the baton and do a half decent job of cooking/making Christmas Day nice for everyone? Because if he doesn't, then all you're actually going to be doing is creating an even more miserable situation for yourself and your children tomorrow after what's already been a bloody awful year for many, for the sake of making a point to your selfish shit of a husband.

I am the opposite. Have told DH I don't want anything. For me it is more about the kids. This year is a crap Christmas, just going through the motions for the kids anyway. Nothing to look forward to after Christmas Day but lockdown.

Just a thought with your teenager - you mentioned baking. Could they paint a picture or make something else for you? The things I value more than anything else from my DC are things that have been made. Something to go on the fridge door perhaps, something made with wool (pom poms etc), cardboard (we do A LOT of craft in our house)? They don't need to rush out to the (shut) shops to get you something.