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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is easier and he does ‘get a break’

185 replies

mincepiemaker · 24/12/2020 00:05

I’m really resenting dh. I’m regretting the agreement that I’d be a sahm.
I’m annoyed that he can’t see how he has it easier and gets a break/change of scene ??

He has a 1 hour drive each way. Not through any very busy areas so what would be considered a ‘nice’ drive if makes sense.
Every morning it’s so important he has time to get ready, go to the toilet, make his nice coffee for the journey etc. So he has that hour twice a day with the radio on and his nice drive to work

When at work it’s 1/2 tasks at a time. A lunch break and adults to talk to.

Whereas here I am stuck. Cant even get to the toilet sometimes to the point o get stomach ache as can’t leave the baby and toddler for a second and toilet is too small to fit the baby’s chair in and I can’t leave the toddler anyway (asd). So I’m fed up anyway with that aspect.
But He does help a lot with housework etc but he doesn’t realise his travel to work and being at work is what I’d consider a break/rest
I feel upset that i agreed to this and I feel like
I’ve changed my mind but am stuck now. I wish I’d worked harder at school and got qualifications and had a career. I don’t think I’m cut out to be stuck at home like this Amd onfeel guilty as I agreed to it and now I’ve changed my mind

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 24/12/2020 00:24

Sorry you are feeling grim.

If it’s not working for you why don’t you sit down with him and make a plan to change it. Firstly how can you get back to work - even if it’s getting back to training one day a week to start, could you find childcare for the kids? And secondly, how can you arrange your home life so you both get some time out? Obviously (I know it’s obvious but easy to ignore when you are upset) don’t go into this conversation telling him that you think he’s better off - he may not see it like this, and it won’t actually help to make it a competition.

Hope you find solutions, and have a good Christmas -

ZenNudist · 24/12/2020 00:27

Don't resent your dh, do something about it. Get a job. Or if you need to retrain retrain. It will be worth it in the long run.

Yoshinori · 24/12/2020 00:31

I don’t think it’s helpful to say he has it easier. Just like it’s not helpful for him to say you have it easier.

There’s not easier or harder.

You both have different roles and each has its positive and negatives.

If you resent it, get a job.

katy1213 · 24/12/2020 00:32

You're allowed to change your mind.

Original poster
mincepiemaker · 24/12/2020 00:34

Easier said than done. He’s highly qualified and earns a lot more than I ever could
I committed to being a sahm and I feel I should stick to it because I agreed but I didn’t realise I’d feel like this . Maybe it’s covid maybe I need to step back and pan for when dc are at pre school and school but I had agreed to be a sahm for all of primary but I don’t want to anymore

OP posts:
CoalCraft · 24/12/2020 00:35

The grass is always greener. Once we're fed up with something we start to assume that anything different is better.

I think it's unfair of you to see his time commuting and at work as a break. I used to have a similar commute and found it very draining, then I got to work and that was stressful and tiring, requiring constantly being mentally switched on. It depends on your DH's temperament and job but don't assume that he's larking about all day.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently as have recently started my first mat leave. I don't hate my job but I don't love it either and was looking forward to mat leave for a change of scene. Right now I'm enjoying it more than work, but I imagine that by the time it's drawing to a close I'll be chomping at the bit to get back to work. Then after six month there I'll be wanting to go on leave again. It's the monotony that's draining.

StormyInTheNorth · 24/12/2020 00:35

If your toddler has a diagnosis (or undiagnosed under investigation) you should be able to access DLA and in addition 15 free nursery hours if he is over 2. I didn't know you could have this until my LO was 3 and I had been paying because I'd not applied for DLA until they were almost 3.

Your toddler may hate nursery like mine did, but you cannot carry on like this.

As for DH. I have one similar. I've no advice since still trying to work him out.

Original poster
mincepiemaker · 24/12/2020 00:35

@katy1213

You're allowed to change your mind.
Am I ? I feel awful for that as we discussed so much and agreed. But I never ever expected a child with asd then a pandemic and i feel trapped
OP posts:
Original poster
mincepiemaker · 24/12/2020 00:37

I’m just at a very basic level jealous of him getting to sit in the car with a hot coffee listening to the radio. It’s petty I know but I’d like 2 hours a day like that because I can’t even sit down for a minute and I’m tired 😓

OP posts:
Aprilx · 24/12/2020 00:40

If I were him, I wouldn’t see that he has it easier either. I don’t think he has, or that you have, you have different roles. Driving to work is definitely not a break either, I spent a year with a one hour drive to work and I hated it, especially in winter.

I don’t think it is helpful to get competitive about who has it harder or easier, instead focus on changing your situation as it is not working for you. You don’t need to stick to it just because you agreed to it, we are all allowed to change our minds.

nocoolnamesleft · 24/12/2020 00:40

I hated the job where I spent an hour in the car each way, even though it was allegedly an easy drive. I found it exhausting and stressful, and in no way a nice easy sit listening to the radio. The ironic thing is that he may be jealous of you. It doesn't have to be a competition.

1Morewineplease · 24/12/2020 00:41

Sounds like you've made the wrong decision.
That you resent his travel time is sad.
But you can go to the toilet without taking your children with you. Just make sure they're nearby for the minute or so that it takes.
If you're that resentful then make the change.

SuperbGorgonzola · 24/12/2020 00:42

Yes, you're allowed to change your mind. I hate being stuck at home with the kids day in day out, especially after this year.

Being a sahp isn't idyllic. It's monotonous, repetitive and often lonely. It will be easier when they're both at school, and for those years then you might feel you have it much easier, as you'll have time in the day to get on with what you want to do freely, and then you'll have more patience for the children when they come home.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 24/12/2020 00:45

An hours drive to work and back is horrible, trust me, I have done it. You should consider yourself fortunate you don’t have to work but if not then get yourself back to work.

Tobebythesea · 24/12/2020 00:47

You feel what you feel and that’s ok.

Before children I wanted to be a SAHM, then I had children, had maternity leave and cut it short. I love my children so much but work for me was definitely a break.

After a few months of Mat leave, I had to sit my DH down and demand that I too get time to myself in the morning to get showered and dressed etc. It makes such a difference to your identity and self-esteem. He just assumed I could easily do this with the children. Also on maternity leave I went to the gym regularly and put the children in the Creche paid for out of joint finances. That hour/hour and a half a few times a week to yourself was so important.

I also didn’t establish a career before children and I seriously regret it and felt stuck. One massive barrier is the cost of childcare which is astronomical and off putting but your mental health and well-being is important. (Childcare costs need to be shared.) I gained qualifications online at night, this lead to a relevant part time job I do at weekends and I started a part time uni course this year.

If you are interested in a healthcare course, the NHS has just introduced basically half price tuition fees and help with childcare costs. Just a thought.

Being a SAHM is not for everyone. Good luck.

BillysMyBunny · 24/12/2020 00:52

I definitely wouldn’t call an hour long drive a break. You might envy it right now because it would be a change from your usual routine, just as he might think getting to stay at hone with the kids instead of having to get out of the door first thing in the morning would be welcomed. The grass is always greener.

If you really are unhappy as a SAHP then of course it is okay for you to change your mind, presumably it is a plan you made at least 2 years ago and before you knew how it would be? It sounds sensible for you and your DH to look at alternative options, even if it was just something part-time to give you a change of scene 1 or 2 days a week.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 24/12/2020 00:55

Of course you’re allowed to change your mind!

SuperbGorgonzola · 24/12/2020 00:56

I should add that I currently do also drive an hour to and from work four days per week, leaving at 6.15 am, and while it's tiresome and draining, it is alone time. I listen to loads of podcasts, news, music etc. I don't, but I could take a nice drink with me.

I definitely wouldn't swap my drive for being at home all day every single day with my small children. I've only been back at work three weeks since I went on Mat leave in March.

UnderperformingSeal · 24/12/2020 00:57

@DamnShesaSexyChick

An hours drive to work and back is horrible, trust me, I have done it. You should consider yourself fortunate you don’t have to work but if not then get yourself back to work.
Me too. An ex tried to tell me that this qualified as time on my own when I said I wanted to decompress alone after getting home. It really doesn't, no matter how easy the journey is, you still have to keep the car pointing the right way for the whole hour.
PumpkinPieAlibi · 24/12/2020 01:01

Anyone who says an hour's commute twice a day is a 'break' has no idea what they're talking about. I normally don't comment but that is so far from the truth, I had to say something. When I had a similar commute, I used to be exhausted and frustrated and stressed. And I wasn't even driving!!!!

Not to mention, while he make see adults, it isn't fun and chitchat 90% of the time. In my experience, there are meetings, analyses, difficult convos telling people that their contract isn't being renewed, deadlines, last-minute requesta, presentations...not to mention office politics and bureaucracy. Some days, I don't even take lunch. It really, really isn't fun. Add in depression or anxiety or any mental health issues and it can feel like hell sometimes. You have always to be 'on' and it's exhausting.

HannaYeah · 24/12/2020 01:06

Total sympathy for you OP. But I think we will be miserable if we compare our circumstances to other people - even our spouses. First because you just can’t know what it’s really like for anyone else. Second because even if his work is actually miserable that doesn’t make it ok for yours to also be miserable and too difficult.

Hope you can figure out how to relieve some of your own stress and make your daily life better. One question: my mom is 80. She said 20 years ago that she didn’t understand how parents functioned in current times because they seemed to be always holding their kids. “We put them in play pens, within sight and and did what we needed to do.”

Any chance you can get your toddler to a point where they are happy in a play yard so you can at least use the loo?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2020 01:06

I love a nice drive with music and a drink. Far preferable to two screaming children.

And no, just because you said you would be a SAHM, doesn't mean you have to live with that forever. Retrain, get a job.

LEELULUMPKIN · 24/12/2020 01:10

I'm a SAHM not really through choice at first as DS was born with multiple disabilities so now I am his full time carer, therefore I do get where you are coming from.

It can be soul destroying.

However I do disagree over the driving part. That isn't a rest in any shape or form.

My DH could get more money if he transferred to another workplace an hours drive away but neither of us want him to do that as having done it before DS was born I bloody hated it.

As it is he is literally 5mins from home and that to us is priceless.

You need to talk to him about how you feel but your commuting argument is just wrong.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 24/12/2020 01:14

Of course you're allowed to change your mind!

Tell your husband how you feel. Tell him it's not working anymore. Figure out a way for you to go back to work, even if it's just part time at first.

Lou98 · 24/12/2020 01:15

YANBU for feeling the way you do with regards to wanting to go back to work and feeling down about being a SAHM, however, you are being VU to say your husband has it easier and compare the two of you. It isn't his fault that you feel the way you to, you both discussed you being a SAHM so it isn't down to him that you're now unhappy.
An hour long commute is very rarely a "nice drive", it's extremely boring and repetitive when done so often.

You are allowed to change your mind about being a SAHM. Look in to available jobs or training opportunities, both of you are then responsible for finding childcare. You always have options OP, definitely worth looking in to yours