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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is easier and he does ‘get a break’

185 replies

mincepiemaker · 24/12/2020 00:05

I’m really resenting dh. I’m regretting the agreement that I’d be a sahm.
I’m annoyed that he can’t see how he has it easier and gets a break/change of scene ??

He has a 1 hour drive each way. Not through any very busy areas so what would be considered a ‘nice’ drive if makes sense.
Every morning it’s so important he has time to get ready, go to the toilet, make his nice coffee for the journey etc. So he has that hour twice a day with the radio on and his nice drive to work

When at work it’s 1/2 tasks at a time. A lunch break and adults to talk to.

Whereas here I am stuck. Cant even get to the toilet sometimes to the point o get stomach ache as can’t leave the baby and toddler for a second and toilet is too small to fit the baby’s chair in and I can’t leave the toddler anyway (asd). So I’m fed up anyway with that aspect.
But He does help a lot with housework etc but he doesn’t realise his travel to work and being at work is what I’d consider a break/rest
I feel upset that i agreed to this and I feel like
I’ve changed my mind but am stuck now. I wish I’d worked harder at school and got qualifications and had a career. I don’t think I’m cut out to be stuck at home like this Amd onfeel guilty as I agreed to it and now I’ve changed my mind

OP posts:
EllyNC · 24/12/2020 04:35

You can change your mind! Sounds like you need to sit down and have a chat with your husband about it And figure out how you can get a couple of days to go work.

I know it’s difficult but try not to compare, nobody wins when you start comparing. I don’t think I’d class a drive to work as a break either although I am also Sometimes envious of my husband for his journey to and from work and that he can speak to other adults all day, so I know what you mean!
Also please find a way to go to the toilet when you need to, you’ll make yourself poorly!! Have you got a swing chair? I used to pop my son in one of those and he’d be happy enough while I used the loo. Or When he couldn’t roll I’d put him on his playmat outside the bathroom and leave the door open so I could see him!
.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 24/12/2020 04:41

YABU. Stop being so passive and blaming your husband.
I think it’s completely delusional to think his commute is heaven and to say you can’t sit down for a minute.

choli · 24/12/2020 04:53

@mincepiemaker

I’m just at a very basic level jealous of him getting to sit in the car with a hot coffee listening to the radio. It’s petty I know but I’d like 2 hours a day like that because I can’t even sit down for a minute and I’m tired 😓
You must enjoy driving a lot more than I do. A two hour round trip commute is my idea of hell.
CarlottaValdez · 24/12/2020 04:58

I have a busy stressful and senior job. I found being on maternity leave with one child much harder in many ways. Not worse because I loved being with DS but definitely more tiring and difficult. I 100% enjoyed my commute when I returned to work although it was an hour on the train so I could read/ snooze/ stare out a window with nobody touching me!

So I don’t think you’re unreasonable to think he has it easier at the moment. However DS is now at school and DH is still a SAHD and now I’d say he has it massively easier than me. So you might find your time comes.

Weenurse · 24/12/2020 05:11

I agreed to be a SAHM and lasted 6 weeks.
I then went back to work part time as it was easier than being full time carer.
I balanced part time and full time work with the needs of the family.
Now they are grown and very independent young women as they had to fend for themselves a fair bit.
They still think I do more at home, but their dad does, they just see me doing more. Not the behind the scenes stuff he does.
Go back to work, part time if possible initially. You will be a new woman

Dinosauraddict · 24/12/2020 05:12

I just wanted to say that I understand OP. DH and I both adore DS and each compress our hours so we get one day off a week with him separately (plus the weekends). We both agree that the day off is the hardest day in our week - and we only have one. We also have high paid, high pressured jobs, but neither of us could be a FT SAHP! I took 6 months mat leave and found it very hard. It was earlier this year so the pandemic and isolation didn't help. I also have no family support. I found going back to work with DS in nursery far easier - I could schedule 1:1s and talk to adults (I almost felt like I'd forgotten how to do that), I could delay a meeting by a couple mins if I really needed a wee, I could (most days) take a lunch break and get some food. All this was miraculous to me after being at home with baby for 6 months!

QuantumJump · 24/12/2020 05:13

You are totally allowed to change your mind OP! It doesn't matter how much discussion there was beforehand, no one can understand what being a SAHM is like before they try it, and it's not for everyone. Start looking into your job options in January.

I agree with previous posters, work and commuting isn't a break. But I know exactly what you mean when you say that it seems that way to you!

Yeahnahmum · 24/12/2020 05:19

If you have a toddler with a baby... that is full on. I barely coped. And you have a toddler with asd so that would be even more chaotic.
Look into an online job perhaps? And put the kids into day care. Even for 1 day a week

NailsNeedDoing · 24/12/2020 05:27

It’s understandable that you’re feeling jealous of your husbands ‘brain space’ time, because it is nice as an adult to be able to just think without an interruption and constant demand on you.

You need to stop turning this into a competition though, it’s not your husbands fault that being a sahm is demanding when your dc are so small. You’re doing the difficult bit right now, if you continued to be a sahm for just a couple more years until at least one is in pre school you’d find it gets significantly easier and it wouldn’t be long before your husband had reason to be jealous of you.

Pumpertrumper · 24/12/2020 05:28

YANBU and I think a lot of SAHP’s feel the same.

I’m not technically a SAHP but a mass of annual leave, PT hours and 2 pregnancies close together have meant I’ll be at home for about 3 years! I feel very much like a SAHP!

I envy my DH so much for so many reasons;

  • People sound so impressed when they hear what he does. They give him a lot of respect. Whilst I’m seen as ‘taking a career break’ as though I’m doing nothing, being lazy or somehow letting myself down.
  • He still has all his friends/colleagues to talk to every day and still has his identity outside of this house.
  • He just hasn’t learnt to multi task like I have due to not spending as much time. He can’t seem to shower, toilet or eat without someone to ‘watch’ DS whilst I’m expected to do everyone one handed with DS in tow.
  • Even on his days off he still seems to feel entitled to certain comforts/luxuries. A nice cup of coffee and quiet spice of toast on a morning. A peaceful shower. Just little things that he considers so basic but I regularly don’t get.

He is a fab husband. He does house jobs, he gets up on a night (when not working) and will take DS on long walks/plays to give me an hour or two here and there. In the grand scheme of DH’s I read about on here he’s amazing but I feel like his real life is out the door and DS and I are just waiting for him.

Neenan · 24/12/2020 05:31

OP, it’s ok to feel like this. I hated being a SAHM, couldn’t wait to “bung my kids in nursery” as a PP said. The drive to work, was my me time and I loved it. This was over 25 years ago.

Personally I would start taking steps to change things. Maybe start studying for an Access to HE course in your own time so that when the little ones start school you can retrain for a job that gives you financial and emotional independence.

RJnomore1 · 24/12/2020 05:39

I know this isn’t the main issue and you’ve had lots of good advice but honestly op, the toilet thing is complete nonsense. Of course you can leave the baby in their chair to go to the toilet. If you’re worried about the toddler behaving take them with you but I wouldn’t and never did.

This baffles me every time, as a parent you need to take care of your basic needs. It’s far from the first time I’be sen it on here. There is no point in my life it would ever have occurred to me not to go to the toilet if I needed it.

And things like this, which are within your control, are going to keep feeding your resentment about The over all situation🤷🏻‍♀️

leafygarden42 · 24/12/2020 05:41

@mincepiemaker

I understand what you're saying completely. Maybe you could do a course with the Open University? I worked just part time and did a course with the OU once the kids weren't at the baby stage and absolutely loved it.

Even went away on a week's residential course, which I have to say was pure bliss. Learning loads of new stuff, someone else cooking all the meals, and being somewhere different.

Your DH's commute does sound nice - especially if he's listening to Radio 4 on the way there.....

But yes - you can change your mind - you can get a part time job and send the kids to a nursery/childminder - it's good for them to mix with others, and it's good for your sanity and confidence to get back to working.

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/12/2020 05:45

I think the main issue here is that you aren’t taking care of yourself. Even with a toddler with asd you can go to the loo / shower - you need to just leave him in a safe space or restrain him in a pushchair or carseat or highchair while you go.

User647647 · 24/12/2020 05:52

What is it like on the weekends?

Couldn’t you ask him for some ‘me’ time?

I would hate the drive too, especially in winter.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/12/2020 06:09

Off course you can change your mind if it's not working for you. In the meantime can you get get playpen or babyproof an area. We had a small conservatory with childrens play matting on the floor and a babydan playpen across the door opening so I could stick DD in there and go to toilet etc.

Dreamylemon · 24/12/2020 06:11

Op you have a toddler with asd and a baby in the middle of a pandemic. Be kind to yourself, it's harder to be a sahp parent than in normal times. I say that as some who works 4days a week and has 2dc, one a toddler.

There are few places to go, even playdates have to be outside in winter. I found my days with a baby/ toddler full on with places to go and people to see. Your DH us working ft which is also hard- comparing is the way to resentment.

I would say:

Fight for early intervention 're asd
Check the dla/ nursery status. It's important for you to rest and for dc to socialise as there are very few opportunitys at the moment.
Leave the baby is a chair for 5 mins. They will be safe. Consider taking toddler with you or setting up a playpen. Your needs are important
Divide childcaring responsibilities 50:50 on the weekends with you st.

bjjgirl · 24/12/2020 06:12

I think it would be easy for him to think you had the better end on the deal.
I have an hour commute and I hate it.
Please don't resent your dh- he also will need time off as you do too.
My advice, get a job in a field you love, volunteer if you have to, equip your self with skills as if you end up splitting up you will need this

Frannibananni · 24/12/2020 06:16

I remember this feeling, I was jealous of my husbands 7 minute commute 😃
It goes away

Cowmilk · 24/12/2020 06:19

When I want to use the toilet as sahm, I put baby in his bed and lock baby in. I installed a lock on the bedroom for this reason. Jealous ds2 can then wonder around the house or continue his activity while I use the toilet/ cook while baby is having a nap.

mathanxiety · 24/12/2020 06:23

It depends on your DH's temperament and job but don't assume that he's larking about all day.

It's not a case of assuming he is larking about all day. It's knowing that he is driving in his car, listening to the radio, sipping his nice coffee, allowed to focus uninterrupted on the task at hand - driving.

It's knowing that when he is at work he will most likely experience a toilet break fairly close to the time he needs one, that doesn't involve other people banging at the door or crying for him, or worse, that specific silence that all parents dread.

It's knowing that he will be spoken to in his first language, never have to have a frustrating, circular conversation with someone who is insisting on taking off their shoes in the park in mid-December, or sitting down on the footpath and refusing to budge on the way back from the supermarket, who may well run away and out on a busy street if you take your eyes off them, and instead speak in English with people who are capable of a reasonable and rational discussion (at least compared to your average two year old they are...)

When you are at home with a baby and toddler even your thoughts are constantly interrupted. While constantly on the alert for them, constantly listening to their chatter, crying, signals of being tired, hungry, frustrated, up to mischief, etc, you end up with your headspace completely occupied. They love you and they depend on you for everything, but they have no concept of respect for your personal space, your time, your energy, and the idea that you have needs is not one that has ever crossed their minds. They have no 'off' switch so you are 'on' All.The.Time.

It can be maddening, infuriating even, to be constantly interrupted in all that you have to do, to never, ever get to finish a thought, even thoughts about things that matter in your daily slog. The adult human brain needs a regular and predictable chance to focus completely on adult level material and a chance to decompress from the constant, stressful, and exhausting alertness that is required when dealing with babies and small children.

@mincepiemaker, you absolutely can change your mind.

This is really good advice from Iwonder08
Please talk to your husband. Please don't tell him he gets it easy and that his drive to work is a nice break. Avoid all the competitive comparison. Tell him how you feel overwhelmed. You need to work as a unit, that includes making sure you get some reasonable support and potentially consider getting some sort of job.

You need more teamwork. Helping out with chores is nice as far as it goes, but you need a break from the constant demands and interruptions. You need to regain your headspace (something that will take a while btw - you will feel completely at a loose end if you and H begin sharing the parenting more effectively).

You need a good, solid hour to yourself every day during which you will never be interrupted by your H or your children. You could read, watch something on Netflix, learn to speak French, go out for a walk at a speed greater than that of a toddler, whatever. Or you could just sit there and let your mind wander. That's probably unimaginable right now.

He needs to make sure you have the time in the morning to have a shower and get dressed. He should be able to sit the baby and toddler down and feed them breakfast. Or he needs to take them off your hands in the evenings and do whatever they need so that you can wash then.

He needs to take full responsibility for parenting the children and doing housework at the same time on one weekend day. Or if you find it satisfying to get lots done around the house without interruptions, then he could skip the housework bit.

Planning for a time when you will have time to spare is really important. Right now you have your hands well and truly full, but if you were able to put the DCs in nursery for a couple of days per week you might be able to take a course that might lead to employment opportunities in a few years.

Cowmilk · 24/12/2020 06:27

Also if possible make use of the ‘baby bubble’ if you can. Dh is working extra shifts and ds3 is teething so I bubbled with dm and had a glorious nap while the kids were playing with grandma. Can you do something similar? It is allowed if your baby is less than 1 year old.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 24/12/2020 06:27

The roles are different, not easier.

Tbh I found being at home with my two easier than being at work but both are NT.

Can you get some childcare & do some training to prepare for a return to work?

Will toddler watch tv? Have a rule that they get TV when baby naps.

Pop a film on, get yourself a hot coffee & drink it in peace.

KitKatastrophe · 24/12/2020 06:30

You can definitely change your mind. You didn't know what being a SAHP would be like, especially with the pandemic thrown in! I'm finding parenting much harder now that there are fewer places to go and no toddler groups, which I used to find a great support for talking to other mums.

On a practical level:

  • sort out some safe areas so that you can go to the toilet. E.g. take everything potentially dangerous out of toddlers room, put on a stair gate, so that you can leave him there for 10 minutes while you go to the loo or just have a short break. He might be upset but you need it. Alternatively get a play pen or put him in his cot. You said the baby has a chair, you can leave them in that outside the bathroom door or put them in the moses basket/cot. They don't have to be in your sight every second of the day.
  • look into putting your toddler into nursery or a child minder, even just for a few half days a week. It will make a huge difference to your mental wellbeing. If he is nearing 2.5 there may be preschools which are usually much cheaper than nursery.
  • speak to your DH and agree a time when you get to have a break e.g. on a sunday afternoon to go for a walk or drive and get some head space. Similarly, agree a time when he can have a break if he feels he needs it.
  • if your baby is under 1 you can form a support bubble. Even if they're older you can have an informal childcare bubble. Is there anyone who could look after one or both kids for an afternoon a week?
  • cut yourself some slack, these are unprecedented difficult times. If the toddler watches a bit too much TV, that's OK. If you all have freezer dinners because you haven't been able to cook, that's OK. If you need a break, that's OK!!!
smeerf · 24/12/2020 06:43

I go back to work very early with my babies part time (I'm self employed). I'm lucky enough to have family childcare to enable that. I have my nearly 3yo and 7mo on my own for only 2 days per week and those days are very hard. I make sure I prepare for them, have a plan, do as much the night before because I know those days are going to be the hardest all week.

I look forward to my work days - once the kids are all dropped off i am no longer solely responsible for the lives and safety of two little beings who seem desperate to hurt themselves any way possible. I get to speak to adults, listen to my podcasts while I drive to my mum's and walk to the office, make decisions, feel like a person again rather than a mother.

Get your toddler into nursery as soon as you can. Mine is in nursery 3 days, even though I'm only working 1.5 - the rest of the time I'm able to give the baby some attention and get on top of housework/laundry/meals etc.

If you can't sort out a 2yo place as PP have mentioned with DLA, then when he's 3 you'll get 15 free hours anyway (30 if you're working I think?) so that will give you some breathing space.

Your husband should know how hard it is with both of them - childcare should be 50/50 at the weekend and if he doesn't already, he should be taking them both out on a Sat or Sun to give you a break. Send him out with the two of them to the playground with strict instructions not to come back for at least 2 hours.

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