To think this is easier and he does ‘get a break’

[mincepiemaker]

I’m really resenting dh. I’m regretting the agreement that I’d be a sahm.
I’m annoyed that he can’t see how he has it easier and gets a break/change of scene ??

He has a 1 hour drive each way. Not through any very busy areas so what would be considered a ‘nice’ drive if makes sense.
Every morning it’s so important he has time to get ready, go to the toilet, make his nice coffee for the journey etc. So he has that hour twice a day with the radio on and his nice drive to work

When at work it’s 1/2 tasks at a time. A lunch break and adults to talk to.

Whereas here I am stuck. Cant even get to the toilet sometimes to the point o get stomach ache as can’t leave the baby and toddler for a second and toilet is too small to fit the baby’s chair in and I can’t leave the toddler anyway (asd). So I’m fed up anyway with that aspect.
But He does help a lot with housework etc but he doesn’t realise his travel to work and being at work is what I’d consider a break/rest
I feel upset that i agreed to this and I feel like
I’ve changed my mind but am stuck now. I wish I’d worked harder at school and got qualifications and had a career. I don’t think I’m cut out to be stuck at home like this Amd onfeel guilty as I agreed to it and now I’ve changed my mind

@BubblyBarbara

Cant even get to the toilet sometimes to the point o get stomach ache as can’t leave the baby and toddler for a second and toilet is too small to fit the baby’s chair in

You really need to change your attitude to parenting. This level of paranoia is going to hurt you in the long run. It is very healthy (both for baby and for your mental health) to be able to leave a baby for a few minutes to be able to do things like this. It is not necessary to be on top of your child every waking second. Most parents in the world do not have this experience.

That's great advice for NT children. I agree wholeheartedly. Add SN into the mix and it's a different ball game.

I lost count of the times that I was told of DD1 "she'll be fiinnnneee, then people, having tried it, found out that no, she wouldn't. The time the preschool poo pooed my concern about a door being open that led onto a ramp with a cliff-edge. The time they reassured me that if you just wave bye bye, they come running back (she didn't).

It was so 'not fine' that when DD1 was 3 and I had two other children (already pregnant with DD3 when DD1 was diagnosed), social services provided me with home help to give an extra pair of hands a few times per week, because it was impossible to keep them all safe.

@mincepiemaker YANBU. Have you had any input from HomeStart? We had a wonderful support volunteer from there, who came once per week. Then, when DD3 turned 5 and she should have stopped visiting, she said "They can't stop me coming..." DD3 is now 11 and she still visits for a cuppa.

The other thing that sometimes works is to contact the local FE colleges to see if they need placements for childcare students.

Does he climb? We relied heavily on stair gates. Could you use a couple in the hall and a gate in the lounge, so that you've created a clear space to protect baby? So DD1 in the lounge, stair gate closed. Another stair gate closed creating a space, then a third stair gate to contain DC2 while you nip to the loo.

DH needs to walk a few miles in your shoes. He needs to explain to work that he will be taking a day/week off for a month, or a few days at one go, and be at home with the dc all day while you go somewhere else, to rewrite your CV, look into job opportunities and investigate childcare.

This is not punishment for him or teaching him a lesson. It is a chance for him to develop confidence in caring for his own children and buulding a full parenting relationship with them.

And you need tonhave confidence that you can leave ds and the baby with Dad. Then you can work up to leaving them with qualified childcare.

Then... go back to work. This f/t stay at home thing is driving you round the bend. Get help, stat.

I feel you OP. When I was on maternity leave with my first I was burning with jealousy that my husband had an hour a day sitting on a train, reading the news, listening to a podcast with NO ONE touchjng him or needing anything. I totally get how you feel.

If you worked would you earn more than the cost of a nanny? I have worked solely to pay a nanny at various points.

If you have such low earning potential- please do something about that. You need to be able to support yourself and your children should the worst happen. You need to be challenged and have a life outside your kids. I would look at hiring a nanny and retraining so you can earn good money when your children are at school.

I think the commute and your struggles at home are two seperate things.

Apologies if you have answered some of this.

Before the baby was born were you a sahp or was the toddler in childcare? If you were a sahp how did you do things like go to the toilet etc before the baby arrived?

Is the living area fully toddler proof?

Are you getting any outside support for your toddler?

Driving to work and back is not a break by any stretch op, you are just exhausted and desperate by the sound of it! Can you go back to work, even part time just for a bit of balance if you’re not enjoying it at home? Just have a chat with dh and discuss it together, competitive tiredness and resentment will kill your relationship. I do know how you feel though, it’s relentless with little ones and you feel as though your life has been turned on it’s head while dh gets to get dressed and walk out of the house every morning without a care in the world.

That's great advice for NT children. I agree wholeheartedly. Add SN into the mix and it's a different ball game.

This. Parents of NT children have no idea. "Just..." is the start of a sentence I don't want to hear.

That's great advice for NT children. I agree wholeheartedly. Add SN into the mix and it's a different ball game.

While SN children raise a lot of challenges, it’s possible (and necessary, I think) to safe guard their environment in such a way that they can be on their own for a few minutes when you need to go to the toilet or even answer the door, tackle an emergency, or just “destress”. It might involve setting up gates, covering all hard edges and corners, or similar accommodations but making a safe comfortable space a SN child can stay in for a few minutes on their own is really important for everyone’s welfare both mental and physical IMHO.

You’re right in the thick of it. I personally found two at that age a bloody nightmare. I loved having each of them 1:1 but together it just felt like carnage. Add on in a global pandemic and it’s no wonder you’re feeling a bit rubbish. However, it probably isn’t easy for your husband either and I certainly have never found my commute relaxing. Nursery is probably your answer short term to give you a bit of a break and to give your toddler some stimulation without the baby curtailing things.

@BubblyBarbara

That's great advice for NT children. I agree wholeheartedly. Add SN into the mix and it's a different ball game.

While SN children raise a lot of challenges, it’s possible (and necessary, I think) to safe guard their environment in such a way that they can be on their own for a few minutes when you need to go to the toilet or even answer the door, tackle an emergency, or just “destress”. It might involve setting up gates, covering all hard edges and corners, or similar accommodations but making a safe comfortable space a SN child can stay in for a few minutes on their own is really important for everyone’s welfare both mental and physical IMHO.

Yes, I agree, hence suggestions for safety that followed. But it needs to be acknowledged that those measures will take much more thought and planning than normal. Added to that, any change in development often means back to the drawing board. I ended up having to use 2 safety gates, one on top of the other, with a wooden plinth along the bottom to keep DD1 safe at night.

@BubblyBarbara

That's great advice for NT children. I agree wholeheartedly. Add SN into the mix and it's a different ball game.

While SN children raise a lot of challenges, it’s possible (and necessary, I think) to safe guard their environment in such a way that they can be on their own for a few minutes when you need to go to the toilet or even answer the door, tackle an emergency, or just “destress”. It might involve setting up gates, covering all hard edges and corners, or similar accommodations but making a safe comfortable space a SN child can stay in for a few minutes on their own is really important for everyone’s welfare both mental and physical IMHO.

You're completely ignoring the fact that in most cases the absence of the parent will send the child in question into a meltdown. They can't be left, even in a safe space.

Definitely get a job. Mine are 3 and 5. They both started nursery at age 1. My 40 minute walk into work is wonderful, so relaxing. Not everyone thrives as a stay at home mum and that's OK. I am a better parent because I get time away.

May be a silly thought, could you squat on a potty in the living room and tip it in the garden or toilet next time you're upstairs?

@Di11y

May be a silly thought, could you squat on a potty in the living room and tip it in the garden or toilet next time you're upstairs?

What the fuck? Absolutely not. OP has the right to use a toilet, with dignity and a semblance of privacy, like every one else.

@BubblyBarbara Once again someone who hasn't a fucking clue of how hard it is to have a special needs child with no sense of danger gets on here and preaches to an exhausted mom rules that only apply to a neuro typical child! I have been there,OP and no one knows how exhausting it is until they've walked a mile! My son was very impulsive and medically fragile-on oxygen for three years-not really a fun combination. @BubblyBarbara you should be ashamed

Did you feel pressured into being a stay at home mum by your dh? Or did you push for it yourself? Either way if you aren’t happy, talk to him about it, maybe work part time?

Once again someone who hasn't a fucking clue of how hard it is to have a special needs child with no sense of danger gets on here and preaches to an exhausted mom rules that only apply to a neuro typical child!

Wind your neck in love.. it’s absolutely possible to safeguard locations for the most vulnerable of individuals.

Also I’m not going to be ashamed of anything because if parents of neurodivergent children are all as super smart as you then OP will have ignored any bad advice ages ago anyway.

@mincepiemaker

He does help a lot and often does loads of stuff round the house so it’s not that he’s not doing enough it’s just become the situation that ds is so high needs and used to me that it’s easier and calmer for me to take that role on but I feel trapped

He's not helping , he doesn't need credit. It's his house and his children, he's doing what he should be doing

@BubblyBarbara The child in question has severe meltdowns that can last all day so what's your solution? Oh that's right life is sooooooo simple for someone who has never been in that situation before!

I manage a quick shower each evening but have to be quick as it can be a struggle for dh to have them together as our toddler is extremely hard work

You do not have to be quick in the shower.

Your husband needs to learn the ropes so it won't be so much of a struggle for him. He will do this if he is forced to practice, practice, practice. He will not do this if you rush through your shower and rescue them all. Practice will involve lots of time and lots of effort on his part. Give him the gift of that time.

Then go back to work
Like plan for it
But don’t think that work is ‘easier’
Being the only breadwinner is also stressful too

But go back to work

Does anyone imagine that the OP would have a easier life if back at work? She wouldn't be the one in charge of absolutely everything regarding childcare, for example?

Put a towel in the bath and lie the baby on it. Put the toddler in a high chair with tablet or phone and have a poo. I have a bowel problem from holding my poo due to my son having a accident and the hospital told me he was never to be unsupervised. He can break out of a five point harness so I held onto my poo and now I’m incontinent. Being a parent is so difficult especially in a pandemic. Your kids won’t suffer being trapped for a few minutes while you poo.

Being a SAHM is a massive, personal financial risk. One I’d never take, barring ill health or DC additional needs.

The logical thing to do is to seek work asap and pay for good childcare - this will probably need to be full time since most good part time jobs go to incumbent employers.

The other choice is to find something you don’t mind doing a poo into and empty it quickly. Disgusting but plenty of people use commodes.