To think this is easier and he does ‘get a break’

[mincepiemaker]

I’m really resenting dh. I’m regretting the agreement that I’d be a sahm.
I’m annoyed that he can’t see how he has it easier and gets a break/change of scene ??

He has a 1 hour drive each way. Not through any very busy areas so what would be considered a ‘nice’ drive if makes sense.
Every morning it’s so important he has time to get ready, go to the toilet, make his nice coffee for the journey etc. So he has that hour twice a day with the radio on and his nice drive to work

When at work it’s 1/2 tasks at a time. A lunch break and adults to talk to.

Whereas here I am stuck. Cant even get to the toilet sometimes to the point o get stomach ache as can’t leave the baby and toddler for a second and toilet is too small to fit the baby’s chair in and I can’t leave the toddler anyway (asd). So I’m fed up anyway with that aspect.
But He does help a lot with housework etc but he doesn’t realise his travel to work and being at work is what I’d consider a break/rest
I feel upset that i agreed to this and I feel like
I’ve changed my mind but am stuck now. I wish I’d worked harder at school and got qualifications and had a career. I don’t think I’m cut out to be stuck at home like this Amd onfeel guilty as I agreed to it and now I’ve changed my mind

Being back at work wouldn’t be easier, but OP’s personal financial and economic position would be much better, which is v important.

Does anyone imagine that the OP would have a easier life if back at work?

Me for one , outsource the childcare
Slightly messy
House
All the oven chips !
And a mental break from kids and some perspective

@BubblyBarbara there are kids who can climb anywhere. My son no longer can travel in cars as it’s not safe, I got rid of his high chair as he climbed out on the table, his pushchair is parent facing as he fell out onto the floor. I have something called a Houdini strap that is now considered unsafe but in practice means I can get out of the house. I have also two safety devices fixed to my windows as he’s managed to open one. He doesn’t speak but he’s very good at escaping.

Sometimes just as you haven’t experienced something doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Don’t worry before when I had one child and had looked after other people’s I wouldn’t have believed it either. Although disbelief often makes people worse and heightens their mental health problems.

there are kids who can climb anywhere.
Indeed. There was a story told about my cousin who was a very small 18month old at the time.
My aunt got a frantic phone call from her neighbour. "Your dc is standing on the table."
"He can't be," she said. "I put the chairs on the table to stop him using them to climb on."
"He's standing on the chairs on the table now!"

He had climbed over a double height stairgate (I think designed for dogs) over a single one into the kitchen, onto the table (which he could only just reach with his hands) and from there onto the chairs in less than 5 minutes.

OP,
I think the issue is that it's very easy to each resent each other in this situation. Each has stresses about it, and each has easy patches.
I think if you can both acknowledge that there's bits of each other's role that you would love (and I totally get the peace for 5 minutes) then you'll both feel better.

You've not been a SAHP for long if you have a toddler and a baby. Look into returned to work and putting baby into nursery next year.

You do sound really fed up and it's clear it doesn't suit you, particularly as you also have a lot of help from DH.

I think you AbU thinking the work journey is a nice break. Even a straightforward drive to work is draining day after day. I began to dread my hour long drive it was awful

I hated my hour drive to and from work. I found it draining and it was the thing I hated the most. It rules my life as had to make sure I got enough sleep so ddint size off at the wheel etc. Ended up taking job for half the pay for 10min commute. So your husbands commute is hell to me. BUT iv got sen kids so I get it. I never gave up work and went part time. Iv been lucky Iv had great different childcare who can cope with ny dc needs though iv has to take breaks from work when childcare has collapsed. I think covid has made us all more stir crazy. You are allowed to not be a sahm if you dont want to

You also might want to think of making a safe space for asd toddler. Where you can pop him for for a few minutes if needed.

@Witchend I daren’t complain about my son too much as I once met a nanny who had a 18 month old climb out of a window, run across a flat roof down a drain pipe and slap her in the face as she sunbathed. She learnt to supervise him better.

I feel for op as I think lockdown means you can get out and let off steam but also meet people who share your experiences. I’ve just going on FaceTime a few times a week has made such a huge difference to my mental health.

I felt the same jealousy of dhs commute when I wad on ML. I love my commute. 40 minutes each way. Miss it now we all have to wfh.

By the way OP you DH doesn't 'help'. He shares the kids and the house, he's either doing his responsibilities or he isn't. Would your husband describe what you do as 'help'?