Page 4 | To think this is easier and he does ‘get a break’

TwilightSkies · 24/12/2020 06:45

Of course it’s easier for him! You’re fully responsible for two infants, you don’t get a second of headspace to just breathe.
Yes your husband has stress also but he only has to think about himself, he can eat, drink, pee whenever he wants!
You can’t even do the most basic tasks without considering two other humans firsts, humans who are completely dependent on you every second of the day.

There’s a reason why 99.9% of men would never even consider being a SAHP. That’s because it’s harder, more boring, thankless and you are dependent on your partner financially.

Of course you are allowed to change your mind. You made the decision before you knew what it would be like. You need to have the conversation with your husband and work as a team to find a solution that works best for both of you.

SwimSwim · 24/12/2020 06:52

OP i have 2 young children and returned from maternity leave straight into lockdown. It is absolutely draining looking after small children (must be so much harder with ASD too) and if lockdown taught me anything, it is that I'm not cut out to be a SAHP. I have a 40 min commute 3 days a week and I actually enjoy it, as I have a hot drink and podcasts.

I completely agree with you that it's a break BUT that's probably only since having children and getting so little me time.

You are allowed to change your mind and crave something else too, it doesn't mean you don't love your children. I'm a better mummy because I work too (4 days). Pre kids I thought it would be lovely to be a SAHM but now I feel that'd be so much harder than working. You agreed to something without knowing what it's really like. Now you do, you know you might need to change it a bit as it's not working for you. It's a very hard job and it's ok to want a break. Take care

hibbledibble · 24/12/2020 06:53

Yabu to think he gets a break.

Yanbu to want to go back to work.

How old are your children? What was your work prior to being a sahm?

Dishwashersaurous · 24/12/2020 06:54

Everyone is allowed to change their mind.

You can’t change having children once you’ve had them .

But you can change how you look after them. If you don’t like being a sahm that’s ok. You just need to work out a plan for how to change eg nursery

ouchmyfeet · 24/12/2020 07:03

Anyone who says an hour's commute twice a day is a 'break' has no idea what they're talking about. I normally don't comment but that is so far from the truth, I had to say something. When I had a similar commute, I used to be exhausted and frustrated and stressed. And I wasn't even driving!!!!

I came to say the complete opposite. Anyone who doesn't see an hour's commute as a break clearly hasn't spent the day with a baby and toddler very often. I have done both and I see why you're resentful OP. I just want to reiterate what a PP said, you are of course allowed to change your mind! Talk to your partner about it, if he's a reasonable man (and genuine partner in raising your kids) he'll be happy to help you work out a path that works for you. You matter too, don't sacrifice your happiness just because you said you'd be a SAHM before you fully understood what it would entail or that resentment will just grow.

CheesecakeAddict · 24/12/2020 07:06

This might be the best time to retrain. Many courses are now online because of covid, so maybe you can find something that doesn't require you to spend money on childcare. I'm doing distance learning at the moment (not because of covid, it's just a distance learning course) and I find the course providers are really understanding about my family commitments.

Sertchgi123 · 24/12/2020 07:18

@mincepiemaker

I’m really resenting dh. I’m regretting the agreement that I’d be a sahm. I’m annoyed that he can’t see how he has it easier and gets a break/change of scene ??

He has a 1 hour drive each way. Not through any very busy areas so what would be considered a ‘nice’ drive if makes sense.
Every morning it’s so important he has time to get ready, go to the toilet, make his nice coffee for the journey etc. So he has that hour twice a day with the radio on and his nice drive to work

When at work it’s 1/2 tasks at a time. A lunch break and adults to talk to.

Whereas here I am stuck. Cant even get to the toilet sometimes to the point o get stomach ache as can’t leave the baby and toddler for a second and toilet is too small to fit the baby’s chair in and I can’t leave the toddler anyway (asd). So I’m fed up anyway with that aspect.
But He does help a lot with housework etc but he doesn’t realise his travel to work and being at work is what I’d consider a break/rest
I feel upset that i agreed to this and I feel like
I’ve changed my mind but am stuck now. I wish I’d worked harder at school and got qualifications and had a career. I don’t think I’m cut out to be stuck at home like this Amd onfeel guilty as I agreed to it and now I’ve changed my mind

As soon as you can, start studying. I went back into education after being a SAHP and it completely changed my life. I’m now a RN have a degree and a Masters in education.

zzizz · 24/12/2020 07:18

Sounds like his life hasn't changed one bit and yours has been taken over constantly. You need breaks and support.

People are being really weird by focusing on the idea of a commute being relaxing but of course bloody it is compared to two non-stop-needy kids all day.

Talk to him OP, tell him you're struggling.

Northernsoullover · 24/12/2020 07:18

I'm a lone parent. I worked part time when my children were babies/toddler and work including my 45 minute commute were indeed a bloody break and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I had a dreadful sleeper and would arrive at work having had very little sleep and it was still preferable to entertaining tiny children!
But yes, other posters have said its not a case of who has it worse (you do ) that way of thinking will just make you resentful. Get yourself an exit strategy. I did an access course and I'm just about to finish retraining. If you do an access course you would still be able to SAHM for most of it (check your local college timetable) and even my full time university course is only 2 days a week.
There is a way out.

MJBmummy · 24/12/2020 07:45

It's not that a commute is either a good or bad thing. Some people like a long commute and others dont. Some find it easy, others dont. I personally like a longer drive into work to listen to the radio, podcasts or audio books and just gather my thoughts for the day ahead or process the day on my way home so I can leave work at the door when I do finally get in. So I completely understand that you see this as a break, because I would too. I'm currently on maternity leave and try to make the most of the drive to the supermarket on my own once a week! I think you need to change the way you view your current situation as though the decision you made was permanent. It can always be changed, you just need to work out how. You never know, your husband might welcome changing things as like other people have said, he might not view his commute and job as a break so might welcome more time with the children and to do house stuff?

Whatnameisgood · 24/12/2020 07:46

I just wanted to hop on and second the pp who said you should make sure you get half an hour in the mornings where your husband is looking after the children while you shower and make your morning tea and toast. It really does set you up for the day. Also, invest in a play pen to put the little ones in while you use the loo. You can sing to them the whole time you’re in there and if they’re still not keen then they’ll just have to manage. You need to be able to use the loo! By all means plan to go back to work if that’s what you want but it really does get easier as they get older. You’re at the hardest point now (toddler and baby) and you might feel differently in six months. Also, I can only imagine how grindingly hard and lonely it must be to be SAHM to a baby in this pandemic. I really feel for you

Elfinghecking · 24/12/2020 08:03

Sit him him down and talk about options . If you leave this much longer then it will be even harder for you to get back into work and earn anything that would be considered decent enough to have him change the way or where he works. His salary will increase and become more important for the family making it harder for you to argue that yours should be considered too.
I don’t think a commute and a job is ‘free’ time in anyway but I can see why you’d resent him being able to leave the hse like that. I felt like that I’m maternity leave sometimes when DW got to have a shower, dress properly, make her coffee and leave while I was there with toddler and baby. I went back to work.

Elfinghecking · 24/12/2020 08:06

And you need to sort out not being able to go to the loo etc. Get a play pen or
Similar. I would also have him have the kids early in the morning while you have the chance to get dressed and washed etc. before work.
When I was on maternity I used to go walk the dog at 6am while
DW handled the home stuff. On weekends the time would changed but I usually got out alone each morning first thing and it saved my sanity. Or when she got back I would force myself out alone or to walk with a friend even when I was knackered and it reallly did help lift my mood even after a relentless childcare day.

Notanotherfreak · 24/12/2020 08:20

OP, you sound exhausted, you poor thing. I found it excruciatingly hard being at home when my kids were little - and yours have ASD! Try not to focus on your partners seemingly ‘easier’ day and try in the short term (hard I know) to see the positives in your situation. You are at home & not stressed by a job or commute, you are doing an extremely admirable job bringing up your children. When I was in your situation I made a plan to retrain when the kids were old enough. I had a goal and it helped my state of mind. In the meantime I made a routine where the days were put into manageable chunks. Don’t feel guilty if part of that day is the kids watching tv! You can have a small break. Very hard at the moment with Covid as there are no baby/toddler groups open so don’t feel guilty if tv/movie is a chunk of the day! Put one on one playtime with your kids into manageable chunks, I used to set the timer to play for 30 minute intervals with them. It really helped!
Get them into nursery as soon as you can. I’m not sure what tier you are in, but can you organise a bubble babysitter once or twice a week so that you have some time to yourself? Make a plan/structure to your days so that you can if not.
Lastly you are doing an amazing job!

plumpootle · 24/12/2020 08:23

That sounds so tough op. Please don't be a martyr to this plan. I could never be a sahm. The best thing you can do for your kids is be happy and fulfilled. Go to work and get childcare in place. Life is too short to be unhappy.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 24/12/2020 08:28

If being a sahm doesn't suit you , then plan to try and change it as others have said even if only 1/2 days a week
You may of agreed to do something but you didn't know then it wasn't for you
We often take a new job we think is great but if it turns out not to be what we want we look elsewhere
It matters what you want too

Original poster

mincepiemaker · 24/12/2020 08:28

@grassisjeweled

Do you actually get anytime alone, at all, ever?

Barely any, that’s probably an issue too. I manage a quick shower each evening but have to be quick as it can be a struggle for dh to have them together as our toddler is extremely hard work

OP posts:

Arrivederla · 24/12/2020 08:29

As others have said, you are allowed to change your mind!

I found being a SAHM to be the most difficult and draining thing I have ever done. I now have quite a stressful and tiring job, but at least I have the intellectual and social benefits of having adults around me who I can talk to.

Speak to your dh - this isn't working well for you and you both need to start thinking about what changes can be made. Your happiness is important!

SometimesMaybe · 24/12/2020 08:29

I was a SAHM to a toddler and a baby. I now work part time in a stressful professional role (went back to my old career) with two primary aged children. Being at home was way harder than the life i have now. Having very young children, weather you work or not is very very tough. I can’t imagine how hard it has been in particular in 2020.
Presumably when you decided to be a SAHM it wasn’t to be forever? So you are just bringing that decision forward? Think about it like a new start - you say you don’t have a career to return to. Do you need a high flying one? Could you try and find work in a shop or a cafe or in admin For 16 hours a week where you can be a proper grown up? Ok, so the childcare costs might equal your earnings but wouldn’t it be worth it?

NoSleepInTheHeat · 24/12/2020 08:31

Just get a nanny and go back to work!

I was a SAHM as well (to twins!) but I «quit» after 2.5 years even though we had decided I would do it until primary school.
DH didn’t mind either way, I was happier, and the babies were happy with a lovely nanny.

Maybe with just one baby I would have stayed SAHM, or maybe not. Maybe we’ll have a third and I’ll stop working for a while again. Who knows. Who cares?

Original poster

mincepiemaker · 24/12/2020 08:31

@MrDarcyismines

Firstly I will never understand why mums (mostly) hold off going to the toilet because they have children. This is a basic need. Just put the baby down safely in the cot and take toddler with you. Its safe!

Secondly, he's going to work. That isn't a break. You are both working but he gets to go out to work, where as you are at home. When my babies were young (close in age) I used to go out every day and socialise. Lots of baby groups & eventually would meet out side of that for lunches and play dates at the park/houses so on.

I understand you can't do that right now so staying in (or only going for a walk) is your only option but being a SAHM doesn't have to be hard. You need to find balance. If your husband doesn't work weekends then take a few hours for yourself on a Saturday or Sunday while he watches the children. Go for a walk/sit up in your room and watch tv/paint your nails. Seriously is all about balance. Don't resent your husband, work with your husband to get some time for you.

It doesn’t work if I try that and remove my toddler from an activity he is doing he will have a meltdown or worse he thinks it’s bath time if going upstairs which totally confuses him and we have another meltdown. I can’t leave him for a second even to run to go as he does dangerous things sometimes so needs constant supervision. I honestly feel like a lot of this is me wanting time off just a bit that’s why a drive to work is making me jealous just because it would be getting away for a bit

OP posts:

SometimesMaybe · 24/12/2020 08:31

And if your husband struggles to have them for an hour then he needs to recognise how hard it is for you to have them all day!

Arrivederla · 24/12/2020 08:31

Why is it difficult for your dh to have both dc together when you are expected to cope with this all day every day!? He needs to start coping with it pretty damn quick.

Original poster

mincepiemaker · 24/12/2020 08:34

Weekends just seem to be catching up with what I didn’t get done in the week which is a joint effort I have to give dh huge credit there but it is hard.
I can’t earn what he does there’s no way so it would be complicated if I changed my mind but I’m wondering could I even do something at the weekend maybe if covid improves and there’s something part time at weekends that gets me out. I’m just feeling a bit trapped

OP posts:

zzizz · 24/12/2020 08:35

Can't believe he can't handle them for an instant and expects you to do it magically all the time. I'm really pissed off on your behalf OP.