To think this is easier and he does ‘get a break’

[mincepiemaker]

I’m really resenting dh. I’m regretting the agreement that I’d be a sahm.
I’m annoyed that he can’t see how he has it easier and gets a break/change of scene ??

He has a 1 hour drive each way. Not through any very busy areas so what would be considered a ‘nice’ drive if makes sense.
Every morning it’s so important he has time to get ready, go to the toilet, make his nice coffee for the journey etc. So he has that hour twice a day with the radio on and his nice drive to work

When at work it’s 1/2 tasks at a time. A lunch break and adults to talk to.

Whereas here I am stuck. Cant even get to the toilet sometimes to the point o get stomach ache as can’t leave the baby and toddler for a second and toilet is too small to fit the baby’s chair in and I can’t leave the toddler anyway (asd). So I’m fed up anyway with that aspect.
But He does help a lot with housework etc but he doesn’t realise his travel to work and being at work is what I’d consider a break/rest
I feel upset that i agreed to this and I feel like
I’ve changed my mind but am stuck now. I wish I’d worked harder at school and got qualifications and had a career. I don’t think I’m cut out to be stuck at home like this Amd onfeel guilty as I agreed to it and now I’ve changed my mind

Yes you are allowed to change your mind, even if it’s going to cost more to put them in childcare. You could if there are jobs available work in a supermarket. Yes it’s stressful but there is adult interaction and after being there a while there are progression opportunities.

Ok you have a special needs toddler. That’s really hard.

He needs to every weekend talk the toddler out for a morning so that you get a break from him. Swimming, when allowed again would be good.

I think alot of people seriously underestimate how gruelling it can be to be a SAHP, it is exhausting and if you are never getting any time to have a break, have some headspace away from the children and housework and just rest then you are going to be burnt out. That doesn't mean the person working outside of the house isn't working very hard but they do generally get social interaction with other adults (maybe not quality conversatuon but it is something), they do generally get break times which a SAHP does not get with young children - if children are older and at school that is easier, and they generally have a time at which they clock off and the day is finished.

If it isn't working then something needs to give, I now work 3 evenings a week and work is so much easier than being at home alone 24/7 with no breaks. That is the only break I get but even that has made things slightly easier to deal with, especially this year with covid because it has made everything so much harder. Be kind to yourself, stop striving for perfection and just try and carve out somw time of the say where you can rest even if that means the dishes don't get done or the toys don't get tidied away.

OK. Evaluate your options.

1. Continue as you are
2. Look into childcare so you do get some down time.
3. Look into childcare so that you can work.
4. Hope your dh changes and sees what's going on.

You're understandably unhappy. You have to change something. Make 2021 the year you do something about it.

To be fair to him it is harder as I think ds is used to me all day so can become more difficult for dh or he gets overexcited to see him then is demanding his attention and gets upset as obviously the baby is there too so it is hard for him so I rush. I’m hoping it improves with time and especially when we can finally access some support as everything (speech therapy, appts and portage) all went to video appts which he refuses so we have to wait

@mincepiemaker

Weekends just seem to be catching up with what I didn’t get done in the week which is a joint effort I have to give dh huge credit there but it is hard. I can’t earn what he does there’s no way so it would be complicated if I changed my mind but I’m wondering could I even do something at the weekend maybe if covid improves and there’s something part time at weekends that gets me out. I’m just feeling a bit trapped

Yes you could. See my last comment. Also do you have space to build a downstairs toilet?

He does help a lot and often does loads of stuff round the house so it’s not that he’s not doing enough it’s just become the situation that ds is so high needs and used to me that it’s easier and calmer for me to take that role on but I feel trapped

Thanks for all the suggestions I’ll have a proper read through later and have a think how to move forward with this as I do feel really trapped and unhappy

I completely understand you. I've 2 DC under 4 and the eldest has ASD. It's hard, there's never a minute to sit as you always have to be on top of one or the other and you never get to turn off.

I had a bit of a breakdown at DH about a month a go as I was getting to the end of my tether of always being 'on'. Since then every weekend he takes the children out for a walk or play and I get to just have my own space. No housework or catching up with things. Just a hour or so to recharge, have a bath, read a book or have a tea in peace. Would he do something like that just so you get a small break to breathe?

@mincepiemaker

He does help a lot and often does loads of stuff round the house so it’s not that he’s not doing enough it’s just become the situation that ds is so high needs and used to me that it’s easier and calmer for me to take that role on but I feel trapped

He needs to get more used to your dh then doesn't he?

Don't fall into this trap op.

Does he give you any time in the morning child free to prepare for your day?

A stress free drive is easier than wrangling your DC from what you've written.

When mine were little DH would get home and I would shut myself in the kitchen and leisurely make tea for us all no music, no noise just peace!!!

Driving to work and being at work isn't downtime, or leisure time.

How much does he look after the children when he's off? Does he do his share of household tasks?

Perhaps even going out a couple of evenings a week (gym?) would help you. I would lose the plot if I was at home all the time. Even with adult company.

Nothing is set in stone. What would you like to do? What training do you need to get there?

Your DH sounds supportive.

You never know what something will be like (i.e. job, career, SAHM) until you try it. It doesn't matter how many people you talk to get an idea. We are all so different.

Life is like travelling down a road. You have to keep tweaking things to stay on track/happy.

Also, you are probably romanticising his job. I don't know anyone who isn't stressed at work these days. Grass is always greener....

Raising small kids is tough. It's relentless. Most of us on MN have been there, done that, got the T shirt. We understand that it can be shit.

But by your own admission, your DH earns good money and you don't have to work. Also by your own admission he does a lot of housework. Your situation sounds a lot better than many people's.

So forgive me if I don't exactly sympathise with you. I think you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and if you don't like it, change it. But don't resent your DH; he sounds like a keeper.

I used to drive for 45 mins each way to work most days (pre lockdown). Pop on an interesting podcast and off you go, was often quite enjoyable. It might be mind numbing at times, and it depends on whether or not you actually enjoy driving, but nothing like looking after a high needs toddler.

It’s not ideal but get a camping toilet for you to use downstairs. It’s not great but you could cause health problems by not going to the toilet. You can get them for £25 from Argos. Get a box or something to fit over it so you don’t feel like you have a toilet in your room all the time.

Then look into working part time. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Don’t sacrifice your weekends to working, think about seeing if there’s anything you can do that would be a couple of mid-week days per week, or mornings etc. Doesn’t have to be a big career or anything special but something to give you your own space and earnings. Don’t worry about your wages covering childcare, that should be coming out of a joint pot. You’ll then still be mostly a sahp but with a bit of a break so you can have the best of both worlds.

Look into and book yourself into a hobby/exercise club that means you will be out of the house at least once a week for at least an hour. I know your DH struggles with looking after your children but you may find that over time if it is regular and becomes a fixed part of their routine then they will settle more easily.

I could not be a stay at home mum, I thought I would enjoy maternity leave but I really didn’t. Don’t keep bashing away at a setup that doesn’t work for you if you are able to change it. Otherwise you’ll burn out and be miserable which will be no good for yourself or you children!

I understand where you’re coming from. You’re exhausted, you’re constantly on high alert, and you’re resentful of that precious time your DH gets alone, by himself, to just ‘be’. Every single day, twice a day! It’s a measure of just how tired, mentally exhausted, touched out and trapped you feel.

It really is not unreasonable to have changed your mind about being at home with the children. You couldn’t have known how demanding it was going to be and how you would actually feel. If it isn’t right for you then it isn’t right, and you are perfectly entitled to decide not to do it. Especially if you will be a happier, more relaxed and well rounded person for it, long term. Children don’t actually benefit from having a martyr for a mother.

In regards to your son and you being the one to deal with and cope with him or the two of the children together all the time without ever having any down time ever, that is absolutely not a workable and beneficial solution. If it’s hard for your DH to cope with them then the answer is for him to practice doing it more, not for you to be burdened with all that relentless responsibility all the time. You and he need to sit down together and come up with strategies for it to work out for him to have both children for one hour every day where you get to do nothing but look after yourself. Have a bath is my suggestion (if you like baths) because you can actually lock the door and keep the world out! Have a glass of wine or a cup of tea in peace, read a book whilst you have your soak, spend 5-10 minutes going through a body and skincare routine, apply a spray of perfume or fragrance, get into some lovely pyjamas and a cosy robe if you like them, and you’ll feel a million times better. It is vital to look after yourself if you are to be pouring yourself out all day every day for others - a dried up reservoir is no good to anyone. You matter too, and your well being is actually your first responsibility. It is also vital for your DH to be an engaged father who is capable of looking after his children.

I wouldn't even describe it as changing your mind as such. You tried something, now you are going to try something else. You were planning to go back to work at some time anyway, and that time has arrived. Imagine you or your DH got a new job, but after a year or two you weren't enjoying it, and wanted to apply for something else - well you would, wouldn't you?

@THisbackwithavengeance

Raising small kids is tough. It's relentless. Most of us on MN have been there, done that, got the T shirt. We understand that it can be shit.

But by your own admission, your DH earns good money and you don't have to work. Also by your own admission he does a lot of housework. Your situation sounds a lot better than many people's.

So forgive me if I don't exactly sympathise with you. I think you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and if you don't like it, change it. But don't resent your DH; he sounds like a keeper.

Yes, my situation is good put like that but then you add in the children and I can’t even begin to explain how demanding and stressful my toddler is and it seems to cancel out all the areas where things are ok. He’s destructive has meltdowns needs constant 1-1 and it’s virtually impossible. Pre covid things were better he had some groups he enjoyed and they’ve all shut so it’s changed his whole world and he’s reacting

He needs to start taking the children from the moment he gets in until he leaves again the follow morning, he also needs to start taking them all weekend. He needs to ficilate YOU getting a job or studying if that's what you want to do. If he had to leave his job to make that happen them that's what needs to happen. He also needs to start pulling his weight in terms of cleaning, cooking etc as well.

@missbipolar

He needs to start taking the children from the moment he gets in until he leaves again the follow morning, he also needs to start taking them all weekend. He needs to ficilate YOU getting a job or studying if that's what you want to do. If he had to leave his job to make that happen them that's what needs to happen. He also needs to start pulling his weight in terms of cleaning, cooking etc as well.

That's too much the other way! Both parents should be caring for the children when they are both home. Its not as though he's messing about all day. He's at work.

OP also said his job is quite high powered so I'd assume reasonably well paid. Leaving his job to enable his partner to get a lower paid job is madness.

However, he does need to support OP in finding training/work. He also needs to pay a fair share of the childcare.

The answer to one person never getting a break is not making sure their partner doesn't instead.

Fuck me, if you can't have sympathy for another mum of a special needs kid, who's in the pits of despair and exhausted, then you need to give your head a wobble.

Its not a race to the bottom and it doesn't matter if other people have it harder.

Look, I do get it, I think being a SAHP is equally as demanding and tiring as working outside the home, just in different ways. But I work FT, long hours and quite demanding, and if my DH told me my work was a 'break' I would despise him, just as I'm sure he would me if I told him being at home with the dc was just an extended holiday. It's not a contest and you can be fucked off with a situation without it needing to be one partner versus the other. Your situation sounds exhausting and challenging. Maternity leaves were enough to make it clear to me that I was not cut out to be a SAHP- lots of us aren't and that is OK, more than OK, there is nothing wrong at all with needing more in your life than parenting.

I definitely found my commute to be a break and "me time", although I was on the train so could just read a book/listen to music. Working is a piece of piss compared to being at home all the time. I'm kind of dreading the next 10 days of entertaining both DC at home with noone to see, nowhere to go, no school, in winter. And I don't have a SN DC.

Being a SAHP isn't working for you and the family. So stop. Make a plan to get back to work.