I had twins with ASD and was a stay at home parent for 4 years then I got a full time job with and hours drive each way, not nice driving, being the only parent at home as husband worked away from Sunday to Friday.
I will say both roles were hard but I have no idea how I got through the years of full time work and commuting, plus all the care when home I would get up at 6 and still be going at midnight, I actually had no time to feel resentful of my husband who was living in a shared flat, evenings free, going to tennis, badminton done the pub. To be honest I went to the flat once and it was fucking bleak and our house at the time wasn't much to write home about.
I imagine it was pretty lonely and he had horrible drives twice a week.
The thing I found difficult being a stay at home parent was the relentless nature of it with no time to plan and prepare. Once I fathomed this and as you know the attention span of a child with asd is minutes life was fine as was outsourcing.
So cleaner, a cleaner is about the same cost as a take away for 4. Don't ask your husbands permission to do it, and remember you agreed to be a stay at home mum not chief cook and bottle washer, when I look back it is madness to expect to do everything. Make sure meals are loosely planned ahead, then order online for delivery. I insisted any jobs which needed doing after my husband got home we're done between us. So waging up, unpacking deliveries bed time, baths, stuff which was building up like washing (but this is something that can be managed normally) took him some training to realise the issue. Such as going out shopping alll day arriving home and refusing to help, pointing out this was "my" day off and he should have changed the beds/cleaned the toilet/planned dinner, and a few evenings of waking out the door as he walked in saying "buy I have finished work for the day" as he would say to me "I have been at work all day"
Took about 3 days before he realised he was being an arsehole.
Even night feeds we split, as the idea and you see it time and time again on Mumsnet is that the stay at home parent some how is able to rest and it is not as important for them to be well rested is bollox, how many times do we see tragic accidents due to a parent falling asleep or being exhausted.
Going to the toilet this is just ridiculous! You need to have a safe place to put the children. I had what I called a baby prison which is a play pen which I actually had across half a room and if I needed to nip out to the loo, answer the door cook lunch, I just shut the gate, but other friends had smaller ones and put the children in. The younger child can go in a bouncer or cot.
Get a job honesty you agreed to something you did not know if you would like, we all have jobs like that and we go and find another one this is no different, if your husband came home to morrow and said I have found another job a lot more money, slightly longer hours and commute, would you be screaming at him that he agreed he would do the job he is doing and he can't hanger the goal posts now? Of course not.
Get a part time job (sadly with a child with asd) it is difficult to hold a full time job.