To think this is easier and he does ‘get a break’

[mincepiemaker]

I’m really resenting dh. I’m regretting the agreement that I’d be a sahm.
I’m annoyed that he can’t see how he has it easier and gets a break/change of scene ??

He has a 1 hour drive each way. Not through any very busy areas so what would be considered a ‘nice’ drive if makes sense.
Every morning it’s so important he has time to get ready, go to the toilet, make his nice coffee for the journey etc. So he has that hour twice a day with the radio on and his nice drive to work

When at work it’s 1/2 tasks at a time. A lunch break and adults to talk to.

Whereas here I am stuck. Cant even get to the toilet sometimes to the point o get stomach ache as can’t leave the baby and toddler for a second and toilet is too small to fit the baby’s chair in and I can’t leave the toddler anyway (asd). So I’m fed up anyway with that aspect.
But He does help a lot with housework etc but he doesn’t realise his travel to work and being at work is what I’d consider a break/rest
I feel upset that i agreed to this and I feel like
I’ve changed my mind but am stuck now. I wish I’d worked harder at school and got qualifications and had a career. I don’t think I’m cut out to be stuck at home like this Amd onfeel guilty as I agreed to it and now I’ve changed my mind

Do you actually get anytime alone, at all, ever?

@PumpkinPieAlibi

Anyone who says an hour's commute twice a day is a 'break' has no idea what they're talking about. I normally don't comment but that is so far from the truth, I had to say something. When I had a similar commute, I used to be exhausted and frustrated and stressed. And I wasn't even driving!!!!

Not to mention, while he make see adults, it isn't fun and chitchat 90% of the time. In my experience, there are meetings, analyses, difficult convos telling people that their contract isn't being renewed, deadlines, last-minute requesta, presentations...not to mention office politics and bureaucracy. Some days, I don't even take lunch. It really, really isn't fun. Add in depression or anxiety or any mental health issues and it can feel like hell sometimes. You have always to be 'on' and it's exhausting.

I've done that drive for 11 years working in a large secondary school so I do know what I'm talking about.

I get up and dressed smartly and leave the house before anyone else is even awake. I work hard on things that can be difficult and stressful and frantic, and some days I miss breaks or can't get to the toilet because I'm teaching and then straight out on break duty. But I'm also seeing colleagues, feeling like I'm getting things done, being part of something. Then I get back in my car, listen to a podcast and mentally put the day to rest.

I can walk in at 5.30pm and make a start on dinner, pleased to see my children and hear what they've been up to. Their mess and their noise doesn't seem so bad because I've not had to deal with it all bloody day, the same games and the same moans and the same noisy toys and missing jigsaw pieces....

By the time I've done bath and bed, I'm physically tired and getting some lesson planning or marking out, but I'm not feeling like a vegetable.

Driving to work and being at work isn’t a break, this isn’t your DH’s fault. But if you’re feeling jealous and resentful of those things then you need to change the plan. Juggling work and parenting along with feeling human doesn’t have to be a single decision. It can be many different decisions that change and evolve as you explore what works for you. Good luck in finding something that works for you.

I echo the retrain and get a job if that’s what you want. When you do it though you need to be firm on boundaries so you don’t just end up working on top of all the house/family stuff.

I’m a SAHM, have 3 children who have all needed early intervention ongoing support with schooling. If your resenting it now it doesn’t get better, what I have found though is that slowly I get less and less input/support and the power imbalance becomes worse. At the same time it’s harder and harder to get a job with such a long break.

I mean SuperbGorgonzola......you can do an hours commute and still be at home at 17:30? Having put the day to rest and being refreshed enough to enjoy your family?

You must know that’s not how it is for many working parents, surely.

Definitely get a job - even part time and use a nursery or childminder for the days you work

So what if you agreed to stay at home. It’s not working out -

The longer you wait to go back the harder it will Be!

I’m going back to work 4 days after maternity leave - basically the amount I will earn covers the childcare fees - there’s about 150£ left!

But it isn’t really about the money - it’s about staying in my career / never having any unemployed periods on my cv - a bit of time with other adults each day etc

Can you imagine doing this for 4/5 years til the kids are at school?

Firstly I will never understand why mums (mostly) hold off going to the toilet because they have children. This is a basic need. Just put the baby down safely in the cot and take toddler with you. Its safe!

Secondly, he's going to work. That isn't a break. You are both working but he gets to go out to work, where as you are at home. When my babies were young (close in age) I used to go out every day and socialise. Lots of baby groups & eventually would meet out side of that for lunches and play dates at the park/houses so on.

I understand you can't do that right now so staying in (or only going for a walk) is your only option but being a SAHM doesn't have to be hard. You need to find balance. If your husband doesn't work weekends then take a few hours for yourself on a Saturday or Sunday while he watches the children. Go for a walk/sit up in your room and watch tv/paint your nails. Seriously is all about balance. Don't resent your husband, work with your husband to get some time for you.

This is hard as I would love to be a SAHM. Definitely agree with PP the grass isn’t always greener and my job is so stressful that if I didn’t have to do it for mortgages etc I would quit. I have loved my mat leave and find being at home easier. However it very much depends on your support network / children and how much sleep you get. When I’m struggling with sleep during mat leave I have felt jealous towards my OH that he gets to go to work as it’s normally all on me during the night.

Could you look for a weekend job or evening as the childcare costs wouldn’t make it worth while? No harm in mentioning it to your OH, maybe look if there is anything you can find and approach the subject?

being a SAHM doesn't have to be hard

It very much depends, doesn't it? No additional needs and some support, normally great. Additional needs and no support, not so great. I spent years with almost no playdates because my DD had additional needs. That was fun.

A long commute and working in an office isn’t a break, it’s just a different kind of stress to the kind you are under.

You are absolutely right that you need some time where you aren’t on mom duty. The first time I left the house without my baby, I went to a local restaurant that was very close for the house at 2 in the afternoon and ordered a meal. It wasn’t even a good restaurant, but I savored every bite I was able to take with no worry that someone would need something from me. I would start by finding a way to get you an hour where you aren’t on call. Normally I’d say leave the house, but since it’s a pandemic, even hiding in your bedroom with noise cancelling headphones might help or go sit in the car for an hour or take a drive. For now, focus on getting some mental breaks.

Then you can make longer term plans. I’ve got an ASD kid myself and being a part-time worker, part-time sahm has been a good path for us. I don’t know that we could have managed with both of us on full-time employment.

It’s also ok to change your mind and go back to work. I originally planned a quick maternity leave and back to my high-powered career. Then one day I admitted to DH I wanted to stay home and he was ridiculously supportive. He also supported me when I went back part-time. It’s all about finding a balance for your whole family. That will change year to year.

I know what you mean, a drive can be relaxing especially if you are comparing it to wrangling screaming toddlers. In this case a break means a change of scene, rather than taking a nap/sitting alone with wine, but a change of scene can still be good.

Thing is though, it's not your DHs fault he has that drive to work, he isn't doing it to annoy you. He is just doing what you both agreed. Even if he did agree that he got a break, and apologised every day about it what difference would that make? You'd still be in the same situation.

You must discuss it again and make a plan for you to go back to work, but leave the commute envy out of it.

Definitely discuss you getting a job. Looking after young children can be very boring and repetitive, especially at the moment where you probably can't take them to many places. I think the sense of never being away from the children can get to you, especially if one of your children has additional needs, so if getting a job gives you that change it will be worth it and you might appreciate the time at home side of things more.

FWIW, I worked part time once mine were about 8 months and I can see both sides. I did a lot more of the babycare stuff, even at weekends, and yes it feels like you are always "on". I did enjoy the change of scenery from work. But, work was still work. It can be tiring and stressful and overall and while you see the 1 hour drive as a relaxing time for him, a long commute can be unpleasant.

In the meantime, can you get more of a break at the weekends, even if it's just to go for a walk/get a coffee? Regarding going to the toilet, I used to sit the baby on my lap sometimes if they really wouldn't let me put them down and you could always bring the toddler into the bathroom, or if you have a stairgate you could shut off all the doors and close the stairgate so the toddler could just be on the landing or somewhere safe while you go? I do remember one of the best things about my DC getting older was finally being able to go to the loo in peace! (Although, having said that, they have a tendency to barge in even now).

The great thing about parenting @ReadyFreddy is that you can tell your partner to rest all weekend and try it. Every single thing they need for 48 hours. Plus cleaning, housework and so on. Then see what you think.

At the moment my husband and I both agree we find it easier on working days than on days we’re looking after our two under 5s. And we have an easier age gap than you.

I get where you’re coming from, it’s an intense time to be parenting small children with not much open to do, not able to meet up with other mums, the fear of Covid plus winter time weather.

Maybe try to focus on practical things you can do to make yourself feel better. I put my baby in the cot while I go to toilet, is that an option? Or playpen/high chair? And bring toddler with you. Don’t suffer in pain. Are there any local colleges that might do an evening course so you can get extra training and long term find a career you might want to do? Or council apprenticeships might be another option, you don’t have to be young to get one x

Please talk to your husband. Please don't tell him he gets it easy and that his drive to work is a nice break. Avoid all the competitive comparison. Tell him how you feel overwhelmed. You need to work as a unit, that includes making sure you get some reasonable support and potentially consider getting some sort of job. I don't know how sever your child's ASD, but would a part time nursery be an option?

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP. I work part- time and, although I feel constantly stressed and like I'm failing at both work and home (my hours tend to 'morph' as the job is one that will take as much time as I'm willing to give it), the balance works better for me than being at home full-time. Don't let pp guilt you about nursery either...it depends totally on the nursery. We live in a very urban area where houses and gardens are very small and we deliberately picked DS's nursery because it backs onto a small area of woodland and has a huge garden. He adores climbing, charging about with the other children and going for woodland walks almost every day. He has opportunities there we couldn't offer him at home. So nursery can be a very positive experience depending on the child.

Don't forget you're at the toughest stage... baby plus toddler. It's generally up from here. I think you'd do best to acknowledge that your DH needs a rest from his job but that you need a rest from your "job" too. So rather than getting at him for his commute, aim to share chores and childcare when he's home and carve out equal free time each week.

@ReadyFreddy

The great thing about parenting@ReadyFreddyis that you can tell your partner to rest all weekend and try it. Every single thing they need for 48 hours. Plus cleaning, housework and so on. Then see what you think.

I don't have kids, and don't plan to, so I'll not get the chance.

I imagine it's extremely hard work involving many aspects that can't be anticipated/appreciated until one does it first hand. My thoughts just come from the fact that no amount of hard work or sleepless nights seems to stress me out more than being in situations where I feel socially anxious or feel 'judged' by others (which is weird because generally I'm quite happy in my own skin).

I hear you. I agree you can change your mind too! If you could stretch to childcare, would part time work for you? You would get a change of scene?

I used to feel the same and wish I had someone to pop in for an hour or so that I didn't have to brief and could just let me have uninterrupted time! I had two DC very close together (15 ms difference). It could take me three hours to load a dishwasher due to interruptions etc! I have a v supportive DP, but found parts of mat leave hard. It gets easier. It really does. Could you look at working part time? My favourite bit of going back to work was an uninterrupted cup of tea, sad as that is! It's also an exceptionally isolating time. My baby DC3 has just turned one and there is fuck all places to go and it was only recently the rules were changed from babies counting in the numbers, which meant I was rarely able to meet up with anyone. This shite year may be exacerbating your situation. It will get easier though.