To think I’ve ruined my son’s life/relationship with me?

[Annoy]

My son is 11. When he was 6 I smacked him. Yes I’m awful, yes I regretted it as soon as I did it and yes I showered him with love and apologised to him. I was stressed, alone and overwhelmed (no excuse I know)

Since then (and before then) I have never laid a finger on him and although I do tell him off if need be I have rarely shouted at him.

Well yesterday he told me that he remembered when I smacked him as we drove past the area where it happened (near our village, we were in the car). I asked him how he felt at the time and he said scared and sad! He’s never mentioned it before and now I realise that I’ve scarred the boy for life!!

He’s taller than me now, and stronger and it makes me shudder at the thought of him being half my size and scared of me!

There are so many far worse things you could do to a child than a smack

I said some awful things to my DS when he was 5 and I also put him in his room and closed the door when he was 3.

He doesn't remember the incidence when he was 5 but I'm still scared it has scarred him. He remembers me putting him in his room and thinks I left him there for an hour. It was actually 10 minutes.

I say this to show you are not alone and I'm sure many parents have done things they regret. You are not being dramatic - your feelings are valid. I have terrible guilt for the things I have done. But I also know they are things I can't change and I need to let go of the guilt and stop torturing myself. I think oyr relationships with our DC are more than just isolated incidences. If we show them everyday we love them and care about them and how important they are to us and provide a secure and stable home life for them then this will have a much bigger influence on their lives and our relationships with them.

Give yourself permission to forgive yourself

I got smacked on more than one occasion when I was little. I think my DM and DF are awesome. Please don't worry too much.

You haven’t scared him for life. Use it as a parenting opportunity. Discuss with him about what happened and how people make mistakes etc etc

I remember my brother and I being smacked and our utter disbelief because we were just "having fun". Years later I understand exactly where she was at, a stressed and tired single parent who lost it on that occasion. I too had a massive wig out at the end of a long journey and terrified my own kids. They remind me of that, I apologised and still do. I hope they will also understand if and when they have children. If this are memorable events because they were unusual or unexpected, in an otherwise loving and secure family, then I think you're doing okay.

Dh and I remember being smacked as kids and we still love our mums. I must admit we’ve never smacked our dcs, but being smacked didn’t ruin our lives.

This is what makes me laugh about all the #makingmemories on social media. Our kids will remember what they remember, and a lot of what they remember will be the shit stuff 😂

I was smacked twice as a child and once I remember my mum lost her temper with me, lashed out and caught my head (she didn’t mean to).

I remember all three very clearly however I also remember I was being an absolute pain in the neck, I remember the apologies and regret from my mum. I know as an adult she was human and lost her temper.

I also know she had to deal with ‘remember that time you hit my head’. .

Three mistakes don’t stop me remembering a childhood filled with love and having excellent, loving relationships with my parents as an adult.

I know and knew it should not have happened as a child but meh it’s just a random memory now and it was a one off(or a three off!)

@soopedup

You haven’t scared him for life. Use it as a parenting opportunity. Discuss with him about what happened and how people make mistakes etc etc

Thanks, yeah we’ve had a chat about it and he’s perfectly fine, I’ve apologised and explained. I think he’s forgiven me, he says he has!

My DM smacked me once as a child. I do vaguely remember it, but not the context, I think I was about 5. I remember her apologising for it at the time and when I was older and it came up in conversation. I know now as a parent I must have been really pushing it and she lost her temper. My DM is and always was very patient and calm and rarely even shouted at me.

She felt (and continues to feel) far worse about it then I ever did. It didn't traumatise or damage me and we have a very good and close relationship. It was an isolated incident. I certainly don't condone smacking and have never smacked my DD but I can say that incident had no damaging effect on me - probably as it was a one off and she was active in her apology and remorse.

I agree, melodramatic.

I know i was smacked, my mum was a bit of a smacker, but i dont feel scarred ir abused, she was right: i shouldnt have been endangering myself or being a little shit! I wouldnt have listened to any words she chose. I dont remember specific occasions.

This is ridiculous and over the top. You need to get some perspective. He’s remembering it because it was so out of character - which is a good thing surely?
My ds still brings up the time years ago when I rolled down the window and shouted at another driver who pulled out and nearly crashed into us. Hardly the biggest of deals, but it’s stuck in his mind because I don’t shout very often and certainly not at strangers.
Surely you’d rather he remembered a singular smack because it was so rare than to not remember that episode because it was a regular occurrence? Turn it around and look at it that way!

You're being silly, he is clearly a normal functioning human being. That's not a scarred for life person. FWIW. I can remember being smacked on 2 occasions as a child, and no they weren't pleasant, but as an adult I can understand the circumstances and I hold no grudges.