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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I’ve ruined my son’s life/relationship with me?

213 replies

Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:02

My son is 11. When he was 6 I smacked him. Yes I’m awful, yes I regretted it as soon as I did it and yes I showered him with love and apologised to him. I was stressed, alone and overwhelmed (no excuse I know)

Since then (and before then) I have never laid a finger on him and although I do tell him off if need be I have rarely shouted at him.

Well yesterday he told me that he remembered when I smacked him as we drove past the area where it happened (near our village, we were in the car). I asked him how he felt at the time and he said scared and sad! He’s never mentioned it before and now I realise that I’ve scarred the boy for life!!

He’s taller than me now, and stronger and it makes me shudder at the thought of him being half my size and scared of me!

OP posts:
CleverCatty · 23/12/2020 16:22

[quote 1950s1]@CleverCatty
Yes really. And if you think you can justify hitting a child, you don't sound like a decent person. If someone hit you, wouldn't you have a different opinion? Just because they were six, it doesn't mean they don't deserve respect.[/quote]
I'm not justifying hitting a child at all. In fact if you read my posts quite the opposite but my childhood like others in the past treated smacking as 'normal'. I did say that what I found scary about my childhood was my stepdad losing his temper in an extreme way.

I'm just saying it was unacceptable behaviour from her, but in context of their relationship it was a one off and she apologised afterwards.

OP has also said she was under lots of pressure etc.

randomer · 23/12/2020 16:23

Nonsense, are you very bored?

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:24

This reply has been deleted

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CleverCatty · 23/12/2020 16:24

@Cyw2018

I'm nearly 40 and would still struggle to bring up the smacking incidents, I remember vividly, with my mother. The fact your son feels safe enough to mention it is a huge, positive, reflection on your relationship with him.

Use it as an opportunity to talk to him about emotions and when you don't manage to hold things together.

That's the thing with me - my DM recalls one incident (I swear there were a few others!) and is sorry for it.

But my stepdad when I've brought it up - the smacking I don't think was that bad but his outbursts (with no smacking!) certainly were terrifying. Don't think I've mentioned the outbursts but the one time I mentioned the smacking he flatly denied it and said I was lying...

NotMeekNotObedient · 23/12/2020 16:25

Oh my god the drama...🙄 This is a non issue.

Booboobibles · 23/12/2020 16:25

I can remember my mum smacking me once but it’s not had any effect on me or made me feel any differently towards her.

There would be psychologists who would try to convince me that it’s had an affect (they have done for other things) but I read the other day that Jung thought that we are most affected by current circumstances and if bad circumstances are changed, then we are not always affected. Within reason of course or PTSD wouldn’t exist.

We’ve all done and said things that we regret when we’ve been stressed.

knittingaddict · 23/12/2020 16:26

I think you need to give yourself a break op.

We had children in the late 80's and we smacked them. Rarely (literally a handful of times) and not hard, but it was more common then. They are in their 30's now and would say that they were scared when we did it and it did upset them, but our relationship with both is close and strong. I think it helps that we wouldn't dismiss their perfectly valid feelings about one aspect of their childhood where we failed a bit as parents.

I regret that we did it and would never smack now, but also don't dwell on it. A friend of mine damaged her children far more by withdrawing love and affection from her children when they did something wrong. Literally pushed them away while they sobbed at her feet and took hours to "forgive" them.

The most important thing is that you recognise a bad moment and move on.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:27

@clevercatty

she cant justify it shes trying to justify it obviously but she cant she has traumatised her child it's good that she knows better now but it doesnt change the past

StockTakeAndWatermelons · 23/12/2020 16:31

YABU. I was also smacked a few times as a child, and remember it. I am anti-smacking now but cannot honestly say I have any emotion at all connected with my own smacking. I also have great, joyful and loving relationships with both parents. It's what they did the rest of the time that has defined how I feel about them now.

BrumBoo · 23/12/2020 16:34

[quote 1950s1]@clevercatty

she cant justify it shes trying to justify it obviously but she cant she has traumatised her child it's good that she knows better now but it doesnt change the past[/quote]
@1950s1, are you for real? It sounds to me like you have no idea what trauma from childhood actually is Hmm.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:36

@Brumboo

I have trauma myself. I know what it is. The OP describer her son and being scared and sad and remembering the event. That's trauma. Yes I'm for real. And if you think you can justify hitting a child you're a nasty piece of work.

DonLewis · 23/12/2020 16:36

Dude. My son still accuses me of putting him in a baby jail. It was a cot. He's nearly 10!

Honestly. You've both learned something from it. Try and see it that way?

Cyw2018 · 23/12/2020 16:36

[quote 1950s1]@clevercatty

she cant justify it shes trying to justify it obviously but she cant she has traumatised her child it's good that she knows better now but it doesnt change the past[/quote]
She hasn't traumatised her son, because he clearly feels comfortable enough in his relationship with his mother to mention it to her without fear of gaslighting or reprisal.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:38

The event was clearly traumatising for her son he remembers something abusive that she did to him when he was 6 years old and still feels sad and scared when they drive past the place in which it happened

BrumBoo · 23/12/2020 16:38

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CleverCatty · 23/12/2020 16:40

[quote 1950s1]@Brumboo

I have trauma myself. I know what it is. The OP describer her son and being scared and sad and remembering the event. That's trauma. Yes I'm for real. And if you think you can justify hitting a child you're a nasty piece of work.[/quote]
As I've stated before - the smacking wasn't justified but although it was traumatic I certainly don't think it warrants the guilt OP is feeling now.

Trauma for me was seeing my stepdad losing it on more than one occasion - smacking by him and DM - yes unpleasant but it can't have been that traumatic really.

Again - I didn't say there was justification in hitting a child but none of us are saints as parents or children.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:41

@Brumboo

I think if someone smacked you right now, you'd have something to say about it.

CleverCatty · 23/12/2020 16:42

@1950s1

The event was clearly traumatising for her son he remembers something abusive that she did to him when he was 6 years old and still feels sad and scared when they drive past the place in which it happened
This is because it was a one off!

Also - compared to past times parents don't tend to smack their kids now - so I think a few children do think smacking is awful.

For me - it was my stepdad losing his temper and sarcastic comments all the time...

He's now much better...

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:43

@CleverCatty

I'm glad she feels guilty. She deserves to feel guilty she did a terrible thing to a 6 year old and it traumatised them. Her son is a person. No one can justify smacking them.

Craftycorvid · 23/12/2020 16:43

Well, your son feels safe and confident enough to tell you his feelings about what happened. You apologised at the time. That sounds like pretty successful parenting to me.

My mum would from time to time utterly lose the plot and lay about me (not often) and I think it scared her a bit. Her own childhood was marked by the sort of physical violence that would definitely (and rightly) attract the attention of Social Services. Mum’s solution to managing me was the silent treatment and lots of yelling as an alternative - I think a quick slap might have been less harmful, though not ideal. I don’t remember what I did to get punished though! Lost in the mists of time.

CleverCatty · 23/12/2020 16:43

This reply has been deleted

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Craftycorvid · 23/12/2020 16:44

Ah, there was a ‘these days’ missing in my pp - right after social services. Drat!

CleverCatty · 23/12/2020 16:44

[quote 1950s1]@CleverCatty

I'm glad she feels guilty. She deserves to feel guilty she did a terrible thing to a 6 year old and it traumatised them. Her son is a person. No one can justify smacking them.[/quote]
It was a one off, she had extenuating circumstances, she apologised.

She didn't beat or smack him all his lifetime - now then she would be justified in feeling guilty and rightly so!

speakout · 23/12/2020 16:45

I'm nearly 40 and would still struggle to bring up the smacking incidents, I remember vividly, with my mother. The fact your son feels safe enough to mention it is a huge, positive, reflection on your relationship with him.

I agree- my mother was a smacker, daily, hard.
She denies it all now though- very convenient!

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:46

@CleveryCatty

hitting is awful it is abusive and against human rights. If this was a husband-wife situation, I think comments would be saying LTB.

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