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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I’ve ruined my son’s life/relationship with me?

213 replies

Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:02

My son is 11. When he was 6 I smacked him. Yes I’m awful, yes I regretted it as soon as I did it and yes I showered him with love and apologised to him. I was stressed, alone and overwhelmed (no excuse I know)

Since then (and before then) I have never laid a finger on him and although I do tell him off if need be I have rarely shouted at him.

Well yesterday he told me that he remembered when I smacked him as we drove past the area where it happened (near our village, we were in the car). I asked him how he felt at the time and he said scared and sad! He’s never mentioned it before and now I realise that I’ve scarred the boy for life!!

He’s taller than me now, and stronger and it makes me shudder at the thought of him being half my size and scared of me!

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 23/12/2020 19:21

[quote 1950s1]**@Annoy* you can't change what you did. And I know what trauma is he is clearly* traumatised[/quote]
What are you basing your assertions of trauma on? Have you met the child? Observed interactions with his mother over a prolonged period of time? Interviewed him? Observed his interactions with peers and teachers? No? Thought not.

The OP is not trying to justify smacking her son so you really need to stop giving her a hard time. She feels great remorse and knows it wasn't right. Just because he remembers it doesn't mean he's still suffering years later, it just means he's a normal human with the ability to recall past experiences, good, bad and indifferent.

As someone who experienced sexual, physical and emotional abuse as a child I find your insistence that one isolated smack has caused years long trauma utterly ridiculous.

Lemmeout · 23/12/2020 19:26

You need to calm down. Do you suffer from anxiety usually ?

SimplySusanna · 23/12/2020 19:32

I can remember having a slap to the back of my bare legs with each step, as my mum chased me up the stairs...probably aged 8 or 10.
I also remember her slapping me round the face, Eastenders style, when I was 15 (and I remember that I thoroughly deserved it that time!).

I don't hate her and I'm not damaged by it. Move on.

One2Three4Five6 · 23/12/2020 19:33

I am in my 30s and remember being smacked by my DM at a similar age, but I am absolutely not scarred nor am I traumatised by it, and I have a fabulous relationship with my mother (I also remember the reason I got smacked, I was being an absolute cow, and I'm not saying I 'deserved' it, but I totally understand why my DM lost it and smacked me)
Cut yourself some slack, no one is perfect and it sounds like you handle things in a much better way now.

KeepLosingThings · 23/12/2020 19:46

I still remember the one time my dad smacked me. He still feels guilty about it! It didn't scar me in any way and I have a good relationship with him and love and respect him and think he's a kind person. And I've turned out ok (I think) and have never been violent towards anyone and have harmonious relationships with my own husband and dc as well as my parents. Everyone makes mistakes - don't worry - it'll be fine.

Buddytheelf85 · 23/12/2020 20:11

Some of these posts are bizarre. Noone’s defending smacking as an acceptable method of discipline in 2020. OP bitterly regrets smacking her son (once, 5 years ago). She’s not excusing herself. The question is whether she’s caused him lasting trauma and damaged their relationship permanently (and if so, what she should do about it). I think the answer is very unlikely.

Having grown up with a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic for a father (so I definitely know what trauma looks like) it doesn’t sound like this child is traumatised.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 23/12/2020 20:31

I've not RTFT, but like at least one PP I was smacked regularly throughout my childhood, and it's still the non-smacking punishments that stick out in my mind. (Toys taken away, outings cancelled etc)
It took me years to forgive my mother for a missed cinema trip I'd been looking forward to (I deserved the cancellation, though at the time I thought it unfair), but smacking was just normal and was forgotten about minutes later.

I'm not justifying smacking now, I wouldn't smack a child myself, and I would never question anyone else's experiences, but I have trouble seeing smacking as something traumatic. (Usually when these threads crop up those who have suffered trauma seem to have also had abusive parents in general - I've seen comments aplenty along the lines of "I was deeply affected by being smacked as a child, my parents used to hit me round the face with a belt").

Most likely the OP's DC remembers the incident either because it was unusual, or because OP was upset afterwards by her actions.

Apollo440 · 23/12/2020 20:47

My mother hit me once when I was 6 or 7. I remembered it because it was so unusual. She was stressed and freaking out because my baby brother had pulled a pan of boiling water on himself. I felt slightly aggrieved because it wasn't my fault but even at that age I could understand how she felt. I teased her about it in later years, when she was lecturing me about child rearing. Honestly it won't have any affect on your relationship, he just remembers because it was unusual.

covidaintacrime · 23/12/2020 20:48

Noone’s defending smacking as an acceptable method of discipline in 2020.

Read the "To hate smacking?" thread in AIBU (here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4113809-To-hate-smacking) and you'll find that isn't true. A fair few think it's acceptable.

covidaintacrime · 23/12/2020 20:50

(sorry don't know why the link doesn't go to it directly but scroll down a little and you'll see the thread)

InFiveMins · 23/12/2020 20:55

YABU because you are overreacting. It was once. I was hit several times by my parents - not particularly nice but certainly didn't cause me mental or emotional harm. If you regularly beat your kids I am sure it's a different kettle of fish but it was a one off!

Sounds as though your child may now be using it to try and guilt trip you or emotionally control you. It was in the past, it happened - you need to move on from it and so does your child.

FuckinGoddess · 23/12/2020 20:55

Yes, you’ve ruined your son completely. Forever. Your relationship with him will be forever damaged and you should bear the weight of your guilt for the rest of your life. Your son will be forever scarred and will likely end up in lifelong therapy.

... now seriously, are you always this OTT and melodramatic? 🙄

user1473878824 · 23/12/2020 21:52

In the nicest possible way: get a grip. He remembers it, so what? Is he now an 11 year old alcoholic because he was so traumatised? You’re being melodramatic about something very small.

duggeeallday · 23/12/2020 21:56

My mum only ever smacked me once, I did something really wrong and I think she did it out of fear of me getting hurt more than anything, I still remember it nearly 20 years on but it hasn't scarred me! I think just because it was such a one off that I really remember her reaction🤷‍♀️
My father hit me quite frequently and although I remember being smacked, I never really remember why or how old I was, defo had more of an effect on me, he was very mentally ill at the time and has made a massive attempt to fix our relationship and works very hard to be the best dad he can be, so even that hasn't exactly scarred me.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 22:07

@MattBerrysHair

The OP mentioned her son felt 'scared and sad' when passing the place in which the event happened, that is trauma. I didn't want to mention it because it is none of your business or anyone else's I also experienced every one of those things you listed.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 22:09

It was an isolated smack but it was clearly a big deal to her 11yo son otherwise he would not feel scared and sad passing the area in which it happened.

MattBerrysHair · 23/12/2020 22:26

@1950s1 Im sorry you had those experiences too.

Feeling scared and sad in the moment doesn't equate to lifelong trauma. Many of our experiences throughout life evoke such feelings, but they are generally fleeting and pass fairly quickly. The biggest influence on whether or not those feelings develop into trauma is how our caregivers respond afterwards. If love, comfort, empathy and safety are provided we generally recover without further upset. One solitary smack isn't going cause trauma unless other emotional abuse and rejection is at play, and judging by the rest of OP's posts there's none of that.

Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 23:17

[quote 1950s1]@MattBerrysHair

The OP mentioned her son felt 'scared and sad' when passing the place in which the event happened, that is trauma. I didn't want to mention it because it is none of your business or anyone else's I also experienced every one of those things you listed.[/quote]
He wasn’t scared or sad the other day when we passed it 🙄... he was normal when he told me.
He was scared and sad at the time it happened when he was 6z

He says he’s fine now

OP posts:
covidaintacrime · 23/12/2020 23:30

Maybe have a look at ACEs, see what childhood trauma is
He wasn’t scared or sad the other day when we passed it 🙄
Yeah, I have apologised... I think he’s milking it 🙄

So are you actually apologetic? Sorry, I've just never seen someone use this "🙄" as much as you do, especially in this context, OP.

Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 23:54

@covidaintacrime

Maybe have a look at ACEs, see what childhood trauma is He wasn’t scared or sad the other day when we passed it 🙄 Yeah, I have apologised... I think he’s milking it 🙄

So are you actually apologetic? Sorry, I've just never seen someone use this "🙄" as much as you do, especially in this context, OP.

🙄Sorry Hun
OP posts:
covidaintacrime · 23/12/2020 23:58

🙄Sorry Hun

On second thought, ignore my post upthread. You are not as remorseful as I had previously thought.

Original poster
Annoy · 24/12/2020 00:11

@covidaintacrime

🙄Sorry Hun

On second thought, ignore my post upthread. You are not as remorseful as I had previously thought.

Because of my over use of an emoji?
OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 24/12/2020 00:20

Kids who were only smacked infrequently remember it. Kids who were beaten black and blue often block out most of it. DH doesn’t remember anything negative about his childhood but both his siblings said he used to get beaten with a heavy walking stick everyday by his dad whenever the guy was at home

Original poster
Annoy · 24/12/2020 00:27

@covidaintacrime

Maybe have a look at ACEs, see what childhood trauma is He wasn’t scared or sad the other day when we passed it 🙄 Yeah, I have apologised... I think he’s milking it 🙄

So are you actually apologetic? Sorry, I've just never seen someone use this "🙄" as much as you do, especially in this context, OP.

Not sure if you’ve noticed either but each of your examples are my replies to the same poster who seems to be antagonising me rather than helping me. I’ve asked them what they think I should do to resolve thos but I’ve received no answer from them.
OP posts:
ItisRainingAgain · 24/12/2020 01:08

You’re being completely ridiculous 🙄