To think I’ve ruined my son’s life/relationship with me?

[Annoy]

My son is 11. When he was 6 I smacked him. Yes I’m awful, yes I regretted it as soon as I did it and yes I showered him with love and apologised to him. I was stressed, alone and overwhelmed (no excuse I know)

Since then (and before then) I have never laid a finger on him and although I do tell him off if need be I have rarely shouted at him.

Well yesterday he told me that he remembered when I smacked him as we drove past the area where it happened (near our village, we were in the car). I asked him how he felt at the time and he said scared and sad! He’s never mentioned it before and now I realise that I’ve scarred the boy for life!!

He’s taller than me now, and stronger and it makes me shudder at the thought of him being half my size and scared of me!

I remember my mum once losing it with me. She smacked me. Can’t remember what about though OP.

I have a great relationship with her. Wouldn’t have it any other way and it no way impacts our relationship. I also remember she said sorry the next day when she walked me to school so it was primary age

My dad shouted at us almost every day. Raising his voice. That's all it was. 110% not abusive.

I refuse to believe that the sanctimonious posters on here have never raised their voice at a partner or child.

Why do people compare smacking a child to a man slapping is wife? Parents have to discipline children from time to time, and while smacking is disapproved of and not an effective method at all imo some parents do resort to it occasionally. Men do not need to discipline their wives ever, so it is a stupid comparison.

@tempnamechange98765

My dad shouted at us almost every day. Raising his voice. That's all it was. 110% not abusive.

I refuse to believe that the sanctimonious posters on here have never raised their voice at a partner or child.

that is abusive

My mum and dad often lost patience with me as a child, my dad once hitting me too. He still to this day apologies and asks for forgiveness, although I do remember, i don’t hate him and have long since forgiven him. I had many happy memories with my mum and dad and that over rides the times they lost patience and either smacked me or shouted. It didn’t ruin me and I don’t hate either of my parents. Forgive yourself and your son will soon too. I’m sure you’s have had many happy memories since and many more to come. You haven’t ruined his life OP.

My dad shouted at us almost every day. Raising his voice. That's all it was. 110% not abusive.

'I shout at my wife almost every day. Raising my voice. That's all it is. 110% not abusive'

I think it would really help if you told him that you would never do that again. I spent most of my childhood in fear of being hit and never knew when it had become the time where they wouldn’t do that anymore.

I can remember all sorts of terrible stuff from my childhood. I suspect my kids will be exactly the same.

I think it would really help if you told him that you would never do that again. I spent most of my childhood in fear of being hit and never knew when it had become the time where they wouldn’t do that anymore.

No, you don't feel like this. It's fine honestly! Loads of people hit their kids, and it hasn't done them any harm. You're just attention seeking.

seriously, probablylateagain, I'm really sorry you went through this. Some of us understand. Others don't want to.

Don’t be so melodramatic 😂

It’s interesting that there are posters who think that slapping a child once is different than slapping your wife once.
I was mentally, emotionally and physically abused by my father and step mother all my childhood. Slaps across the face that left hand prints, being beaten with a leather belt until I bled and being hit around the head with a wooden spoon were common occurrences. I was terrified of, and hated the pair of them with equal measure. I’ve tried to speak to them as adults and their response was “you were naughty” and “you were not an easy child to love”. I don’t have contact with them any more and I’m happier for it.

OP I don’t see that what you did was necessarily the same and certainly not the same amount of repeat incidents. I think you made a mistake, lashed out in anger and have regretted it ever since. I’m not saying what you did was right or ok, I suppose only your son could say how he feels about it.

I went on to work in child protection and never really understood that it was ok to hit your child (within reason) under the guise of reasonable chastisement, but not your wife. Personally I don’t think parents should be hitting children but I probably feel like that because of the abuse I suffered, rather than it being an objective viewpoint.

I was expected to be roasted on here for smacking my child.... Thank you all of you

If you were claiming it was a good way of doing discipline I'd happily get the toasting fork out. If you didn't know what else to do we'd all tell you how to do effective discipline and point you at books and parenting groups. If you really couldn't help making a habit of it we'd be telling you to get help, pronto.

But you already know it was a bad idea and you've parented fine without smacking for the last 5 years. So what's to roast?

Culturally I grew up being smacked. He was smacked once I’m sure he’ll get over it.

@Spaghettibetty345

Culturally I grew up being smacked. He was smacked once I’m sure he’ll get over it.

he's traumatised and remembers the event 6ish years later I don't think this is something he's going to 'get over'

I also got smacked and it didn’t traumatise me at all. Other things did, that didn’t.

I got smacked for telling my brother to piss off. And I damn well deserved it and will never ever say I was abused because of it. Stop the dramatics!!

Actually I’ll add the shit that traumatised me just incase some of you who are happily patting yourselves on the back for never raising a hand might think about other things that can impact children.

The fact my parents were unhappily married. Rowed frequently and intensely and then used time to mediate between them both throughout my childhood and teenage years. That traumatised me far more than a slap in the legs a handful of times.

*used me

I wasn't going to comment on this thread because OP seemed truly regretful, but I think that's hypocritical.

It's never OK to hit or physically harm your child. Even if it's once, even if they don't seem "that traumatised", it's never OK. Where I am at least, if you did this today it would be abuse.

You need to make a promise to yourself that you're not going to do this again, because it's unacceptable. From what you've said it seems you already know that, so the most you can do now is research coping mechanisms in case you get to that point of anger again and reassure your child that you love them and it will never happen again.

So, understand the severity of what you have done but focus on what you can do now and how you can make things better. You are capable of change and adaption given your seemingly genuine regret, so keep working towards the goal of having a healthy relationship with your child and demonstrating appropriate parenting techniques.

That's all I have to say, I wasn't going to say anything as I didn't want to appear goady but that's my opinion. But truly, never let this happen again.

Awww OP I totally get it.

A few years ago when my youngest dd was about 11 we were out in town practicing the bus route for secondary school. We did a bit of shopping too and she was in the worst mood, pestering for expensive stuff etc, she wouldn’t let up. For some reason my patience was thin that day and I walked off without her saying she could find her own way home. I stormed off but from afar I kept my eye on her. At the corner she lost sight of me even though I could see her and I knew she was scared. I Calmed down soon after, went and got her and we went home. But she remembered the exact spot where it happened and we often go past. I still feel terrible about it but I apologised and can’t turn the clock back.

My own mum often lost her patience and hit and shouted at me. I don’t think she ever apologised or showed any remorse.

We all lose it as parents from time to time. Be kind to yourself.

This is a wind up , surely 😂

You know what, I once yelled so much at DD when she was 3, about something that wasn't even her fault, that she wet herself and then obviously I felt awful. But I have never felt I ruined her life or our relationship because of it, she's nearly in her teens now and it's fine and she's fine. You won't help anything by feeling super guilty about it - the fact that he remembers it probably just shows how rare it was!

Human beings are resilient, if our relationships with our parents/lives could be destroyed because our parents got overly angry a few times we'd all be basketcases by the time we were 12. It is good that you talked about it but honestly, there is no need to bring it up again unless he does.

I remember only one time of mum really losing it with me and TBH I just see it as a sign of what a good parent she was that she managed not to lose it in front of us the rest of the time.

Christ on a bike... I remember tonnes of things from being little. Some bad. Some good. I remember running into my room to hide from my dad when he was after smacking me. It’s funny now and I’m not traumatised at all. Life sometimes goes wrong and how we learn to deal with it is vital. Before my dad died we even laughed about it. Reminisced about what a horrid teen I’d turned into (I was hideous to be fair) and I loved my dad so very much. I’m glad I was raised the way I was. Seriously, if a one off smack when he was 6 ‘traumatised’ him for life you’ve got bigger issues.

Dont be so melodramatic. My parents weren't smackers but I can remember clearly how shocked I was the one time they did it. Not scared for life. No damage to our relationship.