To think I’ve ruined my son’s life/relationship with me?

[Annoy]

My son is 11. When he was 6 I smacked him. Yes I’m awful, yes I regretted it as soon as I did it and yes I showered him with love and apologised to him. I was stressed, alone and overwhelmed (no excuse I know)

Since then (and before then) I have never laid a finger on him and although I do tell him off if need be I have rarely shouted at him.

Well yesterday he told me that he remembered when I smacked him as we drove past the area where it happened (near our village, we were in the car). I asked him how he felt at the time and he said scared and sad! He’s never mentioned it before and now I realise that I’ve scarred the boy for life!!

He’s taller than me now, and stronger and it makes me shudder at the thought of him being half my size and scared of me!

I’m 36 and I vaguely remember being smacked once, must have been under 6 by the house we were in but it only happened once and now I’m a mum I know that my mum must have been so stressed and at the end of her tether to do it. Please don’t worry, we’ve nearly all lost our tempers and either shouted too much or done something we wouldn’t usually. Your son isn’t sustaining frequent beatings and abuse and I’m sure he realises that.

I feared the shouting and disappointment, I’d have preferred a smack.

Was a pretty good child, very rare they ever shouted and had the best childhood. I doubt he will hold it against you OP.

Don't you have a similar memory to share with your ds OP? It could be a way to open a conversation about it, like why you resorted to it at the time and how it made you feel then and now so he can talk about it and get over it. It might help him ease the bad memory. Just a thought if it is making you both feel sad.

I still remember the place my mum smacked me when I was about 6 after I bit her hard. I just view it with amusement and certainly as largely deserved, certainly hasn’t scarred me and I’m super close to her.

I remember being smacked by my dad once. It was very unpleasant. He’s still one of my favourite people and I have no qualms about leaving my DC with him. Don’t worry, OP, I’m sure you haven’t scarred DS for life!

@Suzi888

I feared the shouting and disappointment, I’d have preferred a smack. Was a pretty good child, very rare they ever shouted and had the best childhood. I doubt he will hold it against you OP.

Oh God YES. When you got hit with the 'Im not angry...just disappointed' 😂😂 that was the worst. NOO BE MAD AT ME PLEASE. Anything but disappointed!!

Hard to say... was it discipline or violence?

Both me and dw were smacked as children. It was the norm and our parents never smacked us when they were 'angry'. We don't smack dd and never will. The grandmas might though... we had a long talk with both grandmas, and the outcome was that we would prefer that they didn't but there wouldn't be a huge family fallout if they did.

If you 'lashed out' at him then that was definitely different, it's not the smacking that's the issue imo it's that you crossed a line between discipline vs attacking.

@shrill

Don't you have a similar memory to share with your ds OP? It could be a way to open a conversation about it, like why you resorted to it at the time and how it made you feel then and now so he can talk about it and get over it. It might help him ease the bad memory. Just a thought if it is making you both feel sad.

Thank you x

Thanks everyone, feeling less melodramatic now (and a bit pathetic 🙈)

This is ridiculous on your part and on his part it's a slight overreaction.

My DM recalls smacking me once as a toddler (I vaguely recall it) and says she felt so guilty she saw the GP about it... I think she also smacked me later on but forgot about this.

My stepdad on the other hand smacked me and DB more (not hugely but enough and he did have a temper) - it was different times then though as 70s. Stepdad now insists he didn't smack us but I know he's told my DM that he wished he was more mature and knew more when he was younger (he's 10 years younger than DM).

You both really need to move on from this - I'm sure your parenting skills are great but it worries me slightly that though you tell him off you never shout at him! I hope there's not a one sided relationship here with him having an advantage. Please ignore me if there's nothing like this happening!

Be kind to yourself, it's life and no one is perfect!

I remember my grandmother smacking me a couple of times. I long forgave her even though I categorically don't agree with it. It was just one of those things.

I lost count of all the times my mother was physical. Smacking, hair grabbing, tried to break my arm in a door, dug her fingernails into my hand until she drew blood, never mind the threats of 'what she'd do' or the endless mental abuse.

There's a difference. It sounds to me that you fall under the very mild category of 'adult who lost it once'. Kids tend to understand that more as they grow, that most parents are just human and once in a blue moon they do something stupid/irresponsible/out of character. It's not unforgivable, even if it's not forgotten.

When I was growing up, getting a smack was normal. It was no big deal. It's actually kinder than harsh words can be. Beating is different of course, but that's not what you did. The problem is you showed him you thought it was wrong, so now he thinks you did something awful, when you didn't.

OP, I think you will be ok. It was the wrong thing to do but you did it and you haven’t made excuses and you haven’t done it again.

I’d love to see the replies if the OP had said she was a man. They would be very, very different.

Your behaviour traumatised him. You were in a position of power and you physically abused him. You're sorry, but what you did was unacceptable, no matter how stressed you were. You can't justify hitting a child.

Hey OP, Are the rights still available for this post as the Hallmark Channel are interested

Just to clarify here, in my case smacking was 'accepted' at the time and probably some of the times it was fair punishment for us.

However my stepdad would get really uncontrollably angry a couple of times a year (jumping up and down, yelling, throwing stuff and screaming!) - I think it was the sudden outbursts that scared me and my DB - more than the smacking to be honest! He scared us and he knew he scared us! But he thought it was ok.

He and DM did smack me - but unsure who - DM says no not her apart from once... but I know it happened and we were naughty enough to warrant it at the time. Stepdad only got caught by DM one time slapping me round the face when I was under 10 because I backchatted him and he apologised and bought me a cuddly toy .

The strange thing is - DM isn't good with conflict, avoids it, but she told me her DF never hit her, her DGM whom she grew up with smacked her with a tea towel a few times but that was it!

You really really don't seem to have scared your DS here!

@1950s1

Your behaviour traumatised him. You were in a position of power and you physically abused him. You're sorry, but what you did was unacceptable, no matter how stressed you were. You can't justify hitting a child.

really?!

Don't worry. You made a mistake. You acknowledge it was the wrong thing to do and you've all moved on.

For those saying kids sometimes deserve to be smacked, I think that's outrageous. You can't go round hitting adults, so why should children be fair game?

I remember the last time my mother smacked me (an occasional gentle tap was the ultimate punishment in our house. I didn't know it at the time but my grandfather used to belt his kids so hard that there were times mum couldn't go into school with the welts and bruises. In the 1950s that must have been something. Smacking was a normal punishment in the 70ds but she hated to do it)

I was 14 and was being absolutely vile to her. It was a slap across the face and it shocked me more than hurt. I realised how stupid I was being and apologised. I then pointed out I was several inches taller than her and weighed more and perhaps hitting wasn't the best way forwards... Not a threat to her but a 'how ridiculous is this?' while laughing. I think that was the turning point in our relationship and we became better 'friends' and began separating from the parent/child dynamic.

So sometimes there can be a good(ish) outcome. In your case perhaps your son learned that mum has a boundary limit, and if mum does then everyone else will too. Smacking isn't ideal but if you've both learned something from it

@CleverCatty
Yes really. And if you think you can justify hitting a child, you don't sound like a decent person. If someone hit you, wouldn't you have a different opinion? Just because they were six, it doesn't mean they don't deserve respect.

@Liverbird77

Don't worry. You made a mistake. You acknowledge it was the wrong thing to do and you've all moved on.

For those saying kids sometimes deserve to be smacked, I think that's outrageous. You can't go round hitting adults, so why should children be fair game?

I AGREE

You sound utterly ridiculous. Get a grip.

I am a child of the 50s
I often laugh with my siblings about mum “ smacking our legs “ after 2 warnings. Not unusual at all at that time , and we knew when we’d pushed too far.
Please don’t be too melodramatic OP. Just tell him you love him.

@1950s1

Your behaviour traumatised him. You were in a position of power and you physically abused him. You're sorry, but what you did was unacceptable, no matter how stressed you were. You can't justify hitting a child.

You sound even more ridiculous than the OP!

Jesus wept, no wonder this world is turning to shit.

I'm nearly 40 and would still struggle to bring up the smacking incidents, I remember vividly, with my mother. The fact your son feels safe enough to mention it is a huge, positive, reflection on your relationship with him.

Use it as an opportunity to talk to him about emotions and when you don't manage to hold things together.